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About this blog

A prayer for the wild at heart, kept in cages.

Entries in this blog

On May 12th 2011, I OD'd.

Hitting rock bottom at 21 is pretty impressive I think. No? Well...ok. Maybe not.   On what you ask? Thats for me to know. But it was, to be completely honest, the worst experience of my life, and considering how much I've been through, that's really saying something.   I'll start from the beginning:   Here in Los Angeles there is this thing called L.A. Artwalk. Google it. In Downtown ,every gallery is open for anyone, there's tons of music and food trucks and it's all just groovy. My best

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Depression: A 21 year odyssey

It really just sucks the life out of you. To be completely honest, Ive been finding it harder and harder to care about things - and this entry will be a bit scattered and Im sorry for that, but I just had to get my thoughts down.   I was pretty close to voluntarily committing myself because of all the issues in my head, but I got over it. But now its back.   Ya know that saying, time heals all wounds, or whatever? Well thats bullshit with depression. It doesnt get easier to deal with, it jus

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My life: an update. And I'm in need of a hero! (or beta reader/editor)

Its been a while.   Hi people!   Um...some new things that's happened...   I got new tattoos and piercings. School is going well. Got new roommates. And a boyfriend. Still a ProSub. (If you're wondering, see my last entry). Found an old story that I started, so now I'm editing it and looking for editors/readers.   Um...that's pretty much it.     Oh...hahaha. Uh...new meds. I was hospitalized for a while. 2 weeks. Fun! But that was months ago. I'm okay again.   There's a few other

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I'm a Sex Worker! And a Tattoo.

So I'm a sex worker.   Yeah.   "Schedule" is a funny looking word. I think its the "sch" and the "du". It looks German. Or Yiddish....Sorry...   I have a job now. I'm an intern in the legal department of a medical research company.   I got another tattoo. It's on my neck. It says "Howl." I love it. Got it on Halloween afternoon.   My weird mind wanders...sorry. And catchy title, no?   Back to the point!   I have no problem talking about my many sexual exploits but I have yet t

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Novels, BDSM Clubs, Family, Whoredom, Music and Tattoos.

Ugh. I have started this entry at least 21 times since my last entry. But I really dont know what to update you on. Dunno if a lot has changed since then. f**king depressing now that I think about it...   Reread a series called The Doctrine of Labyrinths by Sarah Monette. It's completely queer and fantastic. Her writing is so immersive (is that a word?). And the characters are as complex as...something really complex. But I mean, truly. These are some f**ked up people. It is fantasy, and for a

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Foundations and I

Foundations   Thursday night, everything's fine Except you've got that look in your eye When I'm tellin' a story and you find it boring You're thinking of something to say You'll go along with it, then drop it And humiliate me in front of our friends   Then I'll use that voice that you find annoyin' And say something like: "Yeah, intelligent input, darlin' Why don't you just have another beer, then?" Then you'll call me a bitch And everyone we're with will be embarrassed And I won

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An update...I guess.

So J is in a mental hospital and has been for a week or so. But its not my problem cause he isnt my friend. A while ago he went behind my back and talked shit about me to a mutual friend, who I was, at the time, messing around with. That person then told me and I confronted Jon about it. He said that everything he told Shawn (the guy I was f**king) was the truth, that I really was insane and untrustworthy and evil, and that he wouldnt ever mess around with anyone like me. Lets ignore the fac

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Suicide attempts, shootings and drag races, and stuff...part 1.

But first: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQF0ZuL8vus   A hilarious commercial.   Anyway.   If you know me, one thing you can count on, is that Ill tell you the truth. People know Ill tell them what I think. And I try to be as honest as possible. Now, one of the things that comes with that is telling the things that have happened to me, not so much for the few who read this thing, but more for my own sanity. So here we go:   But first, some background:   My parents kicked me out of th

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My demedification, John Paul and some rambling

Its nearing 3am and I can't sleep.   I went off the meds again. It's been two weeks since my "demedification" and there hasnt been any major disasters (yet) but I think Ill keep off them for a while. Why you ask? Because. I have this thing where when Im off the meds I can get a little - some might say - overwhelming? But when Im on the meds I feel nothing at all. Which was part of the reason I started to hurt myself, it was to feel something. Not really the commonly accepted explanation of cu

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And Toby Goes Down . . .

So... I cant accurately describe how life has gone to shit so quickly over the past few weeks. But I'll try:   -I get locked out of my house. Now for those who don't know, getting locked out is one of those things that I have a problem with. Why? Because thats how my parents kicked me out. I came home at like 4:00 AM and they had changed the lock and put all my stuff in a bag in front of the door. So when I got locked out again at like 1:30 AM it took me back to that time and a ton of feelings

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I'M the f**ked up one here! B*tch, know your place!

. . . sorry. When I get angry I get all . . . ghetto. Sorry. And let me back up.   My friend Jonathan (the one who recently broke up with his boyfriend, moved out of his parents place and into mine and whose cousin recently died) is going a little nutty. Nutty meaning depressed. And stressed. And, well . . . let me explain something about Jonathan. Now this might not be very nice to say, but I don't count him as a friend. More someone I hang with to not be lonely. But I know he counts me as o

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A question on mourning etiquette.

Jonathan, my good friend who has been living with me, his cousin died today from medical problems. She's had these issues all her life. Over the past few days she steadily got worse and I just heard 10 minutes ago that she died. Question: What do I say or do?   Im taking him out to eat in 20 minutes cause hes been at the hospital hasnt eaten in a while. Then Im guessing back home for a shower or something but after that I dunno. Give him space?   Saying 'sorry' sounds trivial and asking if h

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Manslaughter?, The Model, Family Dysfunction and Other Randomness

--So this guy I know killed his father. Accidentally. The father had medical problems and they got into a fight which turned physical and he hit him too hard and killed him. He didnt know he killed him and left and the next day he found out when he was arrested. He was put in jail for a few days but was let go for now. So - theres that.   -----What else has happened . . . oh! Uh, met a model who works at Bob's [big Boy]. Names Vianney. Italian. 6'2. Gorgeous. *sigh* Went out a week ago and go

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Hi, Im Torb, and Im a whore.

[everyone] Hi Torb!   Ugh.   Seriously though. Sex with 7 people in one night? Thats insane. And that was on a Tuesday. A Tuesday for f**ks sake! Ill start from the top:   I went on a road trip to New Orleans. We (me, Joey, Rafa, Jake and Michael (virtually every boy Ive had sex with in the past year (except the "straight" Rafael and more on him later))) packed the convertible and drove. Took about 30 hours of nearly nonstop driving and switching drivers of when one got tired. Driving tha

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A lot has happened:

Graduated high school.   ------The least interesting thing thats happened.       Rafa, my best friend, got stuck in my handcuffs. Thankfully found the key, then I gave them to Jake to be used on his girlfriend.   ------We were all pretty high if that helps explain anything.       Got into UC Berkeley.   ------Im excited but cant really afford it. So Ill probably go to community college to get GEs out of the way and transfer.       Was invited to 2 3somes.   ------In the same

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"You're high functioning for being mentally ill.", and the weekend

-------Swear to god, someone told that to me the other day. I just kinda looked at him, a questioning look on my face, confused and surprised and offended. I guess I just don't consider myself "mentally ill." It sounds so, wrong. But I suppose it's true, bipolar disorder is mentally ill, though it's a mood disorder. It's most notable when people meet me for the first time. I've seen it many times. Hard to maintain relationships too. People are kept at a safe distance.   -------So Friday night

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My psychiatrist hates me, movie quotes, sex and the countdown

Yes he does. He told me so. -----Well, he didnt really TELL me per say, but he wrote it down in his notes. How do you know you ask? Because I HAVE his notes. How you ask? Because I stole them! (Long story short, I took them and photocopied them. That was actually pretty short. Nevermind.) Ok he didnt say he hates me exactly he just said I'm one f**ked up nutbag and I should kill myself just to spare everyone the pain and misery of having to deal with me. -----Well, okay, he didnt really say

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Richard Jeni, JFK, Red Hair and Weeds Finale stuff

Forgot to put this into the last post which was about politics (thus this part is like, Politics II). Funny and true: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhw8DFSGzvg   I was going to put up another vid of Richard Jeni, but for some reason it is not working. So, if you want, look up "richard jeni gay baby" on youtube. Very funny.   And Now, For A Public Service Announcement:   "The very word "secrecy" is repugnant in a free and open society; and we are as a people inherently and historically o

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Politics

I was talking politics with a friend of mine and I think I want to explain my views. I am pretty liberal, but I can usually understand both sides of an argument. Here's just what I think of a few things:   The President I think that people don't give him enough credit. I mean honestly, he's doing the best he can. I doubt he had some ulterior motives when getting into office. People expect him to make these godlike decisions and forget he's just a man. Can you imagine how stressful that job mu

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Mentally Ill?, Hookah and Knott's

I recently got in to a conversation with an acquaintance about the nature of insanity and the mentally ill, and I guess he didn't know about me (bipolar) because the stuff he was saying was really unnerving. I mean, I don't think of myself as mentally ill. But I guess I am. And is that what others say about me? I'm crazy? That I'm mentally ill? I am going to think more on this . . .   I think I've decided on a tattoo design for my 18th birthday.   Smoking hookah and pot with your pseudo/sem

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Chicago, love(?), depression and New York

Chicago - Sufjan Stevens     I fell in love again all things go, all things go drove to Chicago all things know, all things know we sold our clothes to the state I don't mind, I don't mind I made a lot of mistakes in my mind, in my mind   you came to take us all things go, all things go to recreate us all things grow, all things grow we had our mindset all things know, all things know you had to find it all things go, all things go   I drove to New York in

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So . . . school and dating or something.

"You have 7 more seconds to decide for your life Before my tongue becomes a blade and your brain gets sliced. I warned you before I'm addicted to war I was praying for Armageddon on the day I was born."     School starts in a week. I will be a senior. I feel nothing.   Joey came out here from Hawaii to see how I live. I think his first experience was a bit too much for him. Our deal was that I go out to see him in Hawaii for a few weeks and afterward he comes out to L.A. for a while. On

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Alone

Alone   From childhood's hour I have not been As others were; I have not seen As others saw; I could not bring My passions from a common spring. From the same source I have not taken My sorrow; I could not awaken My heart to joy at the same tone; And all I loved, I loved alone. Then- in my childhood, in the dawn Of a most stormy life- was drawn From every depth of good and ill The mystery which binds me still: From the torrent, or the fountain, From the red cliff of t

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