The Saga Continues?. Rising Doom!

Saga Archive:4/23/2002

By Nevin Jefferson

The stocks of Viagra are rock hard thanks to the many users in the gay community. The rate of the users sexual partners rose to an average of 5.4% . Living up to its 'rep as a sexual stimulant those not suffering from the limp noodle syndrome are popping em like crazy. This paid off dividends in the sum of a new STD to 50% of the users. The At Risk payoff is in the sum of overdose benefits , priapism, an erection that lasts for hours with extreme pain adding interest to potentially disabling effects. Speed, Ecstasy, and Poppers are used as a catch which is odd because the above three drugs are the major cause of impotence. Which is why Viagra is a buy for poor judgment in the Bull Market. When Viagra is combined with Poppers this could pay off in the sum of a drop in blood pressure , crashing into fainting, heart attacks, and strokes. And that's it for the Cock Market News! Underneath the tip of the iceberg lay the real problem, here gang. The chilling factor is Self-Destructive behavior in the gay community. With the participates being from Oh, to be Young and Suicidal? with the screw you attitude to the Old Enough to Know Better, but never learned?

Creating the I don?t give a damn anymore sect. There's a cruel adage in the gay community that goes; ?Older Queens are into AAA and Drug Rehab, while the Young Princesses take their place to be next in line. Substance and Alcohol abuse is a way of life for some who need something more to make it through the day. Abusive relationships exist because one believes that they deserve it and will never do any better. And besides, it beats being alone. In a world filled with hatred, bigotry, ignorance, and major stupidity of the worst degree, it's no wonder that some people get excessive in their behavior. Being the odd man out and the puzzle piece that doesn't fit in the picture, has it's effects. One can get a feeling of being lost, alone, and empty. Everyday problems mount as tensions build causing a raging inferno inside one's self. An escape is needed, something to make everything go away. Via substance or alcohol you seek the rush that will numb you with the hurt not being as bad. You need your own private world where you can seek refuge and solace from life. The thing is that problems don?t go away, they get worst and so do you! Misery loves company, so you'll attract negative likes of people who completely gave up and plan to stay that way. They hold you down and during the process, point out that you have a problem when their habits are twice as bad as yours. Welcome to the world of Hell! In order to break free of substances that you can't live or have fun without, you need a timeout. A time to soul search and put things into perspective by going deep inside yourself and making changes. You'll pull yourself up with your inner strength and slowly begin to put things into balance. You have to cut the cords that bind and set yourself free of those who don't have your best interest at heart. You want to stay on the positive side eliminating the negative as it arises in your life. Life isn't easy, you're going to have challenges which life is all about. Conquering those challenges and standing victorious as the rumble and dust clears makes you a winner. In the process, you'll learn to love yourself, others, and have a loving relationship with another person. This is hard work, but the payoff is worth it as you cash in on a better you.

Once upon a time, I was a depressed, suicidal, sissy lost of all hopes and dreams. I couldn't deal with my sexuality, myself, or pretending to be the person that everyone wanted me to be. I feared that if I told anyone that I was gay, no one would like me or have anything to do with me. I already felt alone and I really didn't want end up abandoned by those who supposedly loved me. I knocked off a half a gallon of rum and a case a beer a day. I hit the lines standing in a pretty roll from a mirror and I did poppers on the dance floor and in the bedroom. I did it all, I didn't care! Then one morning while laying in bed feeling like over done crap I cried out to God, who heard me and answered my prayers. With wisdom, I realized that I preferred men and I shouldn't be ashamed of it. I was the same person with nothing being different except the fact that I LOVE MEN. If a person truly cared about me, it wouldn?t make any difference what-so-ever. The kicker to this was, that I was grown, took care of myself, and was responsible for myself. What I did was my business! I lost the desire to drink and do the drugs that made life bearable. I went into therapy with my problems ending as my sessions came to an end. This was my happy ending. This was 18 years ago, which I refer to as my Days of Low where I hit bottom and bounced myself back up into a better me. Life became a gift which I cherish each and everyday. I'm not giving anyone or anything the power to take this gift away from me. It's mine! I got a life in the process of becoming the person that I am now. I joined a gay bowling league, joined and became a Board Member of two social organizations, have Thanksgiving and Christmas Dinner for people who don?t have anywhere to go or have a family to share the day with. I got active and involved in the gay community determined to help make a difference by being different. Being who I am, and transforming into the individual that I am today. Yes, I'm still in therapy to help me deal with things while continuing to build myself into the better person that I am. So, to those of you with self -destructive tendencies, I strongly give you the advice that it isn't that deep! Imagine the best for yourself with treasures bestowing upon you each and everyday. Then start living by setting your mind to do something and accomplish it. You can do anything that you want to, if you really want to. This isn't easy, if it was, everyone including their mother would be doing it. As a whole, the gay community has a lot going for itself with people like you and I to make it a better place. Aim and make your mark in life. I did and I'm proud of it.

Nevin Jefferson (living verb); Continual Survivor who has been HIV+ since 1991 with treatments failing in 1998 and not giving up by becoming involved with The Aids Clinic Trails Units at Harborview sponsored by the UW. He is now undetectable, healthy as a horse, and loves his life. Columnist of The Saga Continues? for The Seattle Gay News and www.gaypride.com . . Activist, Volunteer for Lifelong Aids Alliance (15 years), Pierce County Aids Foundation (8 years), Advisor for Act-up Seattle with Terry Kennedy. Keynote Speaker for Coming Out Day, Keynote Speaker for Pierce County Aids Walk (1998 & 2001), Poster Boy for Aids Awareness for POCCAN (People of Color Against Aids Network (1997 & 2000) Practicing to be an Episcopal Minister at St. George Church in Maple Valley, WA. Single and patiently awaiting his soul mate for a relationship with substance.