So pretty much all my life I've liked really lively, fast, up tempo music. Which means I was actually very much into the "pop punk" scene because even though the lyrics are usually a little grim, the beat is (IMO) infectious. Actually I usually like the lyrics too, they may be dark, but they're usually witty and full of word play. Anyway as a result of my musical preferences few people would describe me as a sophisticated listener. Does that matter? Nope not a bit, I like it and that's all that really matters to me. Anyway on that note, I've been addicted to "dance, dance" by Fall Out Boy. I've listened to it probably about 25 times or so in the last 6 hours. I'm always like that with music. When I like a song I just keep playing it and playing it. Once a few years ago my roommate (back when I used to have a roommate), was leaving for church (which lasts an hour, plus commuting time to and from), anyway I was listening to "Hero" by The Verve Pipe (another fine song IMO) upon the time of departure and darnit if I didn't realize THAT was the only song I listened to (over and over) the ENTIRE time, upon the home arrival. I actually like most types of music though, including the exact opposite, really sad, slow, melencholy songs. About the only stuff I don't like is "easy listening" as they call it, I think it's because I need music to actively engage me, if it doesn't it just seems like a distrubing background noise to me, and stresses me out. Which is probably why I can't read or write with any music playing, all the songs I like make me focus (and thus divide my attention too much,,,,heck I'm already distracted enough to start with), and I simply don't like music I don't actively focus on. So where was I going with this? I can't remember Anyway "Dance, Dance", good song, especially if you want to....well dance, dance.

I actually don't dance though, not in public anyway. I sing and dance a lot in my apartment (and sometimes my truck), but usually not where anyone else can see.....well for one thing the majority of the time I'm dancing I'm naked anyway, so I wouldn't want too many people watching in the first place. Anyway all this seemingly pointless rambling is serving a purpose. It's distracting me from the fact that I've got to come up with a really good, really short fictional story FAST. I need said story to apply for grad. school. Which I'm still not sure I'm making the right decision with in the first place. It's so messed up, I remember when I graduated from High School and had to pick a major in the first place, there were like a hundred things I all really wanted to do, and I had to try to pick my favorite. I mean I wanted to do the psychology, I wanted to teach, I WANTED to (but didn't think they were practical) write and act. I wanted to maybe do marketing/advertizing. and a whole bunch of other things. Of course I ended up doing the psychology and eventually double majoring with sociology. Then a few months ago I realized I was "selling out" by not pursuing writing, so I decided I'd be applying to grad. school for writing instead of psyc. or socio. Well great except now I'm wondering if that's really best either? It's like I went from wanting to do EVERYTHING to trying to figure out what I can force myself to do and enjoy. I mean I would like to write, and I think I'm a rather creative writer, and I enjoy the process. The only problem is my ever shrinking attention span. I'm just not that focused anymore, I don't know if I can sit down and bash out a few pages at a time without wandering away to see if I turned the stove off (which I'm getting better about BTW).

It's really messed up, when I was a kid I used to have amazing powers of concentration. Seriously, I could easily sit quietly and read ANYTHING for hours and stay totally focused on what I was reading. I could also complete most tasks in one good chuck without getting distracted. Now I feel like I've got a 3 second short term memory, and I'm constantly being bombarded by random, distracting, usually pointless thoughts. I used to ALWAYS make it a point to read something to the end of the next chapter, now I literally stop mid-sentence sometimes and walk away.....It's like "He opened the door to find a ve...." hey I wonder where I left my glass of water and off I go in search of before mentioned water. Of course I usually find something else to get distracted by in the kitchen (where I've often left the freshly filled glass sitting near the fridge), then I usually drop by the bathroom, then decide it's time to call so and so, which of course means trying to find my phone, which I usually find somewhere in my room, at which point I see the opened book and instead of calling whoever, I begin to wonder what he found when he opened the door. It's gotten so bad that I've literally begun to forget what question I asked when people give me an answer. "yeah, last Wednesday"....."uh sorry, what'd I ask?" Granted that usually happens when they finish their previous thought before going back to my question, but still. So what's wrong with me? Seriously?

I'd guess ADD/ADHD and indeed that would make sense if I was like 9, but like I said I was a calm, focused kid, it's only in the last couple of years I've become a walking commercial for Concerta. Another interesting thing to note is that as a kid I didn't have a particularly large amount of energy. I just kinda sat around and prefered the lazy modern stuff, TV, Video games, as well as reading and board games and stuff. Now I actually am a big ball of energy. I'm all over the place, and I often feel like running if I'm going somewhere (I usually don't because it'd be kinda odd and socially unacceptable to just sprint into the bank, run up to the counter, and while swaying back and forth exclaim "I wanna make a deposit please!" Heck it actually sounds like fun though, when I was a kid I've thought I was an idiot.......I'd have probably been right too Oh I actually did have a theory on it though (almost got distracted and forgot,,,,go figure ) Ridlin and other meds that work on ADD are stimulants, as is caffiene of course. Well I USED to drink a lot of caffiene, as a small child I drank like litters of Dr.Pepper, and I got on Coffee and Tea pretty early. But about a year ago I gave up drinking caffiene entirely (I still get some with my chocolate addiction though). Anyway is it possible that I was like "self medicating" all along with the caffiene? And now that I truly am, for the most part, stimulant free I can't focus??

Of course the really messed up thing is that I'm happier this way. Who wouldn't rather feel like running than feel like they could barely lift their feet? Besides I'm healthier now too. But is it worth my mind?? Oh well I'll forget about it soon anyway :wacko: