movieguy47 Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 Christmas Pageant Parts Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!" Rudolph's Operation Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job. Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks. However, it wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed. He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the average reindeer, or bear, for that matter. So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the reconstructive surgical procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as... New Ears Day. The Week After Christmas It's the week after Christmas, I'm crabby and I'm broke. I'm so full of ham and fruitcake I think I'm gonna croak! It's nice to see the relatives - I wonder when they'll leave. They've been camping in my bathroom Since early Christmas Eve. They're eating everything in sight And sleeping in my bed. I'm sacked out in the basement With a blanket o'er my head. Now the relatives have all gone out And left their screaming brats, The toilet bowl is all plugged up And I can't find the cat. It's Christmastime at my house, The family is all here. They eat me out of house and home, And drink up all my beer. My mother-in-law is snoring In my favorite TV chair. Those kids are stringing lights on her And tinseling her hair. I oughta wake her up Before the fireworks begin, But I wanna see the sparks fly When they plug her in. Now the kids are in a free-for-all, The girls against the boys, They're fighting over boxes 'Cause they're bored with all their toys. I love the Christmas spirit And the sleigh bells in the snow But I wish those pesky relatives Would take their kids and go! More Signs You're Sick Of The Holidays * Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photocopies. * You're busted for running through town wearing nothing but mistletoe. (Really?) * Your standard response, "And happy holidays to you too," as you flip them the bird... * Even with your eyes closed you see flashing Christmas lights. * You feel like punching the next twit that says, "Ho,ho,ho." * You want to overturn in the Salvation Army pot. * You replace all the batteries in the kid's new toys with dead ones. * You put a Santa Claus headstone on your lawn to scare the kids. Dear Friend, A Letter From Santa Dear Friend.....I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been very good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird sh*t. On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my act together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your butt down to Walmart before everything is gone. Sincerely, Santa Claus Signs You Bought A Bad Christmas Tree 10. It's two feet tall, forty feet wide 9. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?" 8. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers stuck into it 7. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride 6. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it 5. It keeps heckling while you try to do a lame top ten list 4. It's very small and says "Air Freshener" on it 3. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours 2. Some guy named Akbar puts a cheap Statue of Liberty on top of it and number one reason, you bought a bad christmas tree: 1. It's constantly bragging about its "trunk size" Cat's Favorite Christmas Songs 1. Up on the Mousetop 2. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas 3. Joy to the Curled 4. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus 5. The First Meow 6. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful 7. Silent Mice 8. Fluffy, the Snowman 9. Jingle Balls 10. Wreck the Halls Christmas Quickies When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas. ____________________________________________ It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner. ___________________________________________ T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care. They'd been worn all week and needed the air. Santa Claus Is Wearing A Gown You better come out, you better not cry, You better not pout, I'm telling you why Santa Claus is wearing a gown. He's making the switch, He's leaving his wife, He's gonna come out, to start a new life Santa Claus is wearing a gown. A secret he's been keeping, It's made him awful tense. He knows it will be better now, When he comes down off that fence. So you better come out, You better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling you why. Santa Claus is wearing a gown. A Winter Wonderland - New Jersey Style Driver's swear ..... are you listenin', At the Mall .....folks are bitchin', A miserable sight ..... they're sorry tonite, Drivin' in New Jersey's TrafficLand! Gone away ...... are your tires, meter has ...... just expired, They towed you away, while you shopped today, Parkin' in New Jersey's TrafficLand! On the Parkway we will have a breakdown, We'll be stuck and threathened on the side, If we're lucky, someone might come mug us, And if we plead they may give us a ride! Santa's sleigh ..... was impounded, All the Elves ...... were surrounded, He's now in a cell .... for ringin' his bell, Living in New Jersey's TrafficLand! Oh Little Bank Americard (sung to the tune "Oh Little Town Of Bethlehem") Oh, little Bank Americard You bring me Christmas Cheer Without your clout, I have no doubt No gifts I'd give this year. Your credit line allows me to run up bills quite large And when I'm through exhausting you, I'll use my Master Charge. (Same tune, sung in late February) Oh, little Bank Americard, you bring me discontent I calculate your interest rate is over twelve percent. Each month, your cry for payments, my letter-box bombards; I'm one more sap, caught in your trap. Next year I'll just send cards. Holiday Party FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director TO Everyone RE Christmas Party DATE December 1 I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! _____________________________________________________________________ FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE December 2 RE Christmas Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party". ___________________________________________________________________ FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE December 7 RE Holiday Party What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party...the days are so short this time of year...or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. ___________________________________________________________________ FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE December 8 RE Holiday Party So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice... Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our earth-based, Goddess-worshipping employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. ____________________________________________________________________ FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director Date December 9 RE Holiday Party People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan", there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit". It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up? ____________________________________________________________________ FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE December 10 RE Holiday Party Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table farthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them...I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now...! ____________________________________________________________________ FROM Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director DATE December 14 RE Pat Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Chanue-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas! Little Johhny's Letter To Santa Little Johnny's mother was cleaning one weekend and found this letter that he had sent to Santa the previous year, when they were living in California: Dear Santa, You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year, not only was I the first in my class but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you Santa, there were no kid in the neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity! What balls you have leaving me a f*cking yo-yo, a lame a*s whistle and a pair of socks! What the f*ck were you thinking, you fat a*s, that you'd taken me for a sucker the whole f*cking year to come out with some sh*t like this under the damn tree. As if you hadn't f*cked me enough, you gave that little sh*thead across the street so many f*cking toys, that he can't even walk into his damn house! Please don't let me see you trying to fit your huge a*s down my chimney next year! I'll throw rocks at those corny a*s reindeers of yours and scare them the hell away, so you'll have to walk your big fat a*s back to the north pole, just like I have to do since you didn't get me that damn bike, you punk b*stard!! You know what Santa, F*ck You!! Next year you'll find out how bad I can really f*cking be! So watch your back next year, Beeyaaaaatch!!!! Sincerely, Johnny Ding Dong There was a lady who was in bed with her lover one day, when she hears a noise and realizes that her husband is home early from work. She has no idea what to do with her lover so she sticks him in the closet and successfully covers up every part of his body except his balls. Thinking quick, she paints his balls red with some spray paint. Her husband comes up to the bedroom and opens the closet doors to get out some clothes and notices the red balls hanging there. "What are these?" he asks. "Oh, those are just some Christmas Bells I picked up on sale this afternoon," she answers. He toys with them for a second and realizes that they are not making noise, so he pulls them apart and clangs them together, but all he hears is "uuuggghhh". He says, "Honey, these things aren't working right, let me try again." So he pulls them farther apart and bangs them together. Still the only noise made is "UUUGGGHHH". He is beginning to get a little annoyed and he says, "I am gonna try once more and if these things do not chime, I am gonna throw them in the fireplace and burn them." So he stretches them as far apart as he can and slams them together. At that moment, the guy sticks his head out of the closet and screams, "DING DONG, DING DONG, DING DONG!!!!
miguelsanchez55 Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 God Movieguy, where did you find these. It took me 10 minutes to stop Take care dude, Mike Sanchez :sword:
movieguy47 Posted December 23, 2004 Author Posted December 23, 2004 Want More Ken c/o Mattel, Inc. El Segundo, CA 90245 Santa Claus North Pole, North Pole December 23, 1998 Dear Santa: I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires. First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before. In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night. Sincerely, Ken 7 Ways To Annoy At Christmas 1. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..." 2. Hang a stocking with your roommate's name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. 3. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games. 4. Sing "All I want for Christmas is your two front teeth..." 5. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first. 6. Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally. 7. Take some miniature marshmallows and put them in a little baggie. Attach a note to the bag that has a picture of a snow man and this poem: 'You have been naughty, and here's the scoop All you get is the snowman's poop!' The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen (to the tune of "God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen") The Restroom Door Said "Gentlemen", so I just stepped inside I took two steps and realized I'd been taken for a ride I heard high voices, turned, and found the place was occupied by two old nuns, three old ladies, and a nurse -- what could be worse? Two old nuns, three old ladies, and a nurse! The Restroom Door Said "Gentlemen", it must've been a gag 'cause when I walked right in there, I ran into some old hag She sprayed me with a can of mace and slapped me with her bag I could tell this just wouldn't be my day, what can I say? This just wasn't turning out to be my day! The Restroom Door Said "Gentlemen", and I would like to find that crummy little creep who had the nerve to switch the signs 'cause I've got two black eyes and one high heel up my behind Now I'll never sit with comfort and joy -- boy o boy! No, I'll never sit with comfort and joy! Christmas Songs for Dogs 1. Grandma Got Run Over by a Rottweiler 2. We Three Canines 3. Oh, Holy Fire Hydrant 4. Duke, the Red Nosed Doberman 5. Sniffing Around the Christmas Tree 6. Jingle Bones 7. Wreck the Halls! 8. I Saw Mommy Licking Santa Claus 9. Away in a Dog House 10. All I Want For Xmas is My Own Chew Toy Smart Kid! Timmy, age 4 went to see Santa for the first time, and he asked Santa for lots of toys. The next day, his mother and Timmy had to go out and do some more shopping. They saw Santa again and Timmy sat on Santas lap a second time. When Santa asked Timmy what he wanted for Christmas, he said in a questioning voice "But I told you what I wanted yesterday!?" Santa quickly covered himself by quickly saying that he thought Timmy might have thought of something else to add to his list. When they went out again a few days later, Timmy asked his mother if Santa was going to be there. She promptly told him he would. Timmy thought a bit then said "I thought of something else to add to my list then." "What is that?" asked Mom. "Why an elf, of course." replied Timmy. "An elf? Whatever do you want an elf for?" queried Mom. "Why ask for toys when I can ask for elves," replied Timmy, "and have them build me all the toys I'll ever need?" Department Store Santa As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a full month of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in the spirits of children as they visit toy stores and toy departments all over the country. It was with particular urgency that little Little Johnny dragged his mother to the toy department in a big department store. Mother quickly steered Little Johnny into the line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Little Johnny was far more interested in the hobby horse. As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Little Johnny vanished from the Santa Queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse. His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Little Johnny ignored her. She began to beg; Little Johnny paid no attention. She began to make promises of sugarplums, etc., if only Little Johnny would get off the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her. Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Little Johnny's mother, "Perhaps I can persuade your son to cooperate." "I doubt that," said the mother, "but you're welcome to try." Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Little Johnny's ear. Little Johnny's eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his mother's hand. Together, with no fuss, they left the store. As they drove home, Mama asked Little Johnny what Santa had whispered to him. Little Johnny was silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and German Chocolate cake) if Little Johnny would only tell Mama what Santa's words were. Little Johnny turned pale and wouldn't utter a word. What had Santa said? Little Johnny's mother was determined to find out. She had never been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great deal of effort on her part to discover what magic Santa Claus had used on Little Johnny. She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Little Johnny's stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say? Little Johnny now answered "He said, 'Listen, you little son of a B*itch, if you don't climb your a*s the hell down off that horse right this second, I'm going to kick the living sh*t out of you!' " A Few More Christmas Groaners Jimmy was a very smart boy, and he enjoyed church very much, but when the choir began singing "Gladly the Cross I'd Bear," he didn't concentrate on singing the song as he should have; instead, he wondered why Gladly didn't go to an ophthalmologist and why they were singing a song in church about a woodland animal with an eye problem anyway. (By Timothy House) "Mike, I've got a strange tale. Heard it from a Klingon last night, and I thought the folks might appreciate it." "It has to do with those two famous characters, Anakin and Luke Skywalker. The tale concerns that time when Anakin was going by the name of Vader, specifically the light saber battle they fought in the cloud city. The depiction of that fight in the Lucas film was fairly accurate, but it left out a few details." "It seems that, during the course of the fracas, more words were exchanged while the two of them were temporarily clenched with their weapons locked against each other, and apparently the director must have felt that some editing would make the dialogue a bit snappier, so some of them were snipped out." "So here's the rest of what they said to each other." 'Luke, there is something that you do not know.' 'What's that?' 'Luke, I know, beyond doubt, what you are getting for Christmas.' 'You're wrong. You can't know that.' 'Nevertheless, it is so.' 'I don't believe you! This isn't possible!' 'Trust me, Luke, I do know what you are getting for Christmas. I know it with the same degree of certainly as I know of the inevitability of the failure of your pitiful rebellion.' 'You can't know that. The rebellion will succeed!' 'I know a great many things, Luke. Join with me, let me show you the true power of the Dark Side of the force, and together we can destroy the emperor!' 'Is that why you think you know what I'm going to get for Christmas? You think your mastery of the Dark Side can show you the future?' 'The Dark Side shows me many things, Luke, but I did not need it for this.' 'Then how do you know what I'm getting?' 'It's very simple, Luke. ... I have felt your presents.' Newly assigned officers to a Naval Air Station are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a Lieut. Commander, kind-of became an Uncle to the family's only 4 year old daughter. One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. She said she had learned all about ... the ten commanders, and that they were always broke. This same little girl, was told to draw her conception of the Hebrews flight into Egypt. She came home with a picture of an airplane, the passengers all with halos and one person up front without one. When asked about it, she explained, ... "Oh, that's Pontius, the pilot." The Lord's Prayer has always been easy for kids to misinterpret, either through poor enunciators or from mumbling congregations. One little boy, always a classic joke, said, ... "Harold be Thy name." Two other lesser known prayers though are a little girl saying ... "Give us this day our jelly bread." Or the little New York boy who petitioned God to ... "Lead us not into Penn Station." After hearing the Christmas story, and singing "Silent Night" a Sunday School Class in Sao Paulo was asked to draw what they thought the Nativity Scene might have looked like. One boy did a good likeness of Joseph, Mary and the infant, but off to the side was a roly-poly figure. The teacher, afraid that he had somehow worked Santa Claus into the scene asked him who that was. She wasn't sure whether she was relieved or even more worried when the boy responded, ... "Oh, that's Round John Virgin." A few years ago my husband and I were invited to a very small dinner party in honor of Christmas. The hostess was one of those "Martha Stewart" types and had squares of cheese with a toothpick topping looking like little trees. "Sam," she says, "why aren't you eating any cheese?" Knowing my husband couldn't find an elephant in the tub, I explained, ... "He can't see the cheese for the forest". Morris Crisp was very sad when his father passed away. When his mother remarried to a retired Navy captain named Arthur Ness, and made Morrie take the name of his step-father. Morrie felt she was betraying the memory of his father. After he grew up, and his mother died, Morrie had Arthur committed to a nursing home and bilked him of his life savings. When he was caught, the newspapers read , ... "Morrie Crisp-Ness fleeces Navy Dad!" You should always test the goose's skin for doneness before "giving your guests the bird" at dinnertime, because a soggy-skinned goose is not only unappealing to eat but violates the spirit of Merry Crispness. A wealthy yacht owner decided to give his crew a Christmas party in port. He went ashore to round up evergreens, food, musicians and gifts. When he returned, he found all the greens being installed, but on the wrong ship. "Ahoy," he shouted, running down the dock, ... "you're treeing up the wrong barque." A penguin was driving through Arizona on a hot, summer Sunday when he noticed his oil light was on. He got out of the car and, sure enough, it was leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drove around the corner to a service station and asked the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic said he had a few others to look at first but if he came back in an hour, he could tell the penguin what was wrong with the car. The penguin agreed and went for a walk. He found an ice cream shop and thought a big bowl of ice cream would really hit the spot, since he was a penguin and it was Arizona in the summer after all. He sat down at the counter and started in on the ice cream. Of course, he had no hands so it was rather messy. By the time he was done, he had ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth was a total mess. He walked back to the service station and said to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?" The mechanic replied, "It looks like you've blown a seal." "No, no", said the penguin, "It's just ice cream." Why the angel is on top of the tree Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems every where... four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule....then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit... This stressed Santa even more...when he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where...more stress. And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys...so, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey...but he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink...and in his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor... he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door ..he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel said: Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas tree?? And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree
miguelsanchez55 Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 I had to ask Movieguy. I still have tears in my eyes from The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen. Do you spend all day looking for these things? And before you ask, sure find some more. Take care, Mike S. :sword:
movieguy47 Posted December 24, 2004 Author Posted December 24, 2004 You Ask for it, no i don't spend all day looking for them-hehe- What to give an optimist & pessimist A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked. "Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin. Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!" Pray For Gifts Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..." His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!" Christmas Ticket Christmas morning a boy rides down the road on his brand new bike when a cop on a horse rides up beside him and says "Did Santa bring you that bike?" "yea" the boy replies. "Well maybe next year you can ask Santa to give you a helmet for that bike" and proceeds to write that boy up a 20 dollar ticket. As the boy rides away on his bike he turns around and says to the police man "Did Santa bring you that horse?" humoring the boy he says "sure" "Well maybe next year you can ask Santa to put the dick on the bottom of the horse a instead of on top!" What did the floor say to the christmas tree? A: I can see your balls!!!!!!!! Happily Addicted to the Web (to the tune of "Winter Wonderland") Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin', From my mouth, drool is glist'nin', I'm happy--although My boss let me go-- Happily addicted to the Web. All night long, I sit clicking, Unaware time is ticking, There's beard on my cheek, Same clothes for a week, Happily addicted to the Web. Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man! Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?" With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man; I just discovered letterman-dot-com!" I don't phone, don't send faxes, Don't go out, don't pay taxes, Who cares if someday They drag me away? I'm happily addicted to the Web! CHET -- THE CHRISTMAS PARROT One day a husband decided to go to a pet store and get his wife a bird for Christmas. He knew she loved animals, birds in particular, and decided this would be the perfect gift for her. He goes to the pet store and asks the manager if he has anything special in the way of birds. The manager tells him that in fact he does, it's a bird named Chet who sings. The guy is very interested and asks to see Chet. The manager brings him over to a beautiful bird and tells the husband that this is Chet. The husband asks what is so special about him and the manager tells him that Chet can sing, and that he'll show him. The manager then takes a cigarette lighter out of his pocket and lights it a few inches underneath Chet's right foot. Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way..." The husband says that it was great and asks, "Does Chet sing anything else?" So the manager then lights his lighter under Chet's left foot, and Chet begins to sing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..." The husband is very impressed, sure that his wife will absolutely love this bird, so he buys Chet. He brings the bird home and presents it to his wife as a Christmas gift. She is very happy and says the bird is beautiful. The husband tells her that the bird can sing, and he takes his lighter and lights it beneath Chet's right foot, and Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way..." The wife is thrilled and asks if he can do anything else. The husband then lights the lighter under Chet's left foot and Chet begins to sing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..." The wife is overwhelmed and asks, "What would happen if you put the lighter under both of his feet at the same time?" The husband says that he doesn't know, but they could try it. So the husband puts the lighter under both of the birds feet and the bird begins to sing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...." The Twelve Thank-you Notes of Christmas Dec 25 My dearest darling Edward, What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you. Your deeply loving Emily. Dec. 26 Beloved Edward, The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful! With undying love, as always, Emily. Dec. 27 My darling Edward, You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely. Your devoted Emily. Dec. 28 Dearest Edward, What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am. Love from Emily. Dec. 29 Dearest Edward, The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings. Bless you, Emily. Dec. 30 Dear Edward, Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we? Love, Emily. Dec. 31 Edward, I am quite sure I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no fewer than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop! Your Emily. Jan 1 Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing. Emily. Jan. 2 See here, Edward, This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless hussies cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (though less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once! Emily. Jan 3 As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again. Emily. Jan 4 This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance to a home for the bewildered. I hope you're satisfied. Jan. 5 Sir, Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the London Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock. I am, Sir, yours faithfully, G. Creep Attorney at law. An older woman was cruising around a busy parking lot just before Christmas. She was driving in her new Mercedes-Benz looking in vain for a parking space. Finally, the woman saw someone, who was loaded with packages, heading for a car. She patiently followed him, put on her blinker and waited patiently until he pulled out. Just as he pulled out a young man in a sleek black Porsche zipped in to the space ahead of her. She was dumbfounded and outraged. Then the women jumped out of her car shouting, "How could you do that? Didn't you see me waiting there with my signal on?" He replied, "That's what happens when you're young and fast." As the young man was about to enter the store he heard the hideous crunch of metal striking metal. He ran back, horrified, to see that the woman had gunned her Mercedes and smashed it right into his beautiful black Porsche. He ran back and cried, "How could you do that?" She smiled and said, "That's what happens when you're old and rich!" Star Wars Christmas Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father and son chats... light sabers drawn and sparks flying. Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, "I know what you're getting for Christmas, Luke," he said, "Ohhh, yes! I know!" Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platform just out of Vader's reach, "How do you know!?" Luke yelled at him, "How do you know what I'm getting for Christmas!?" Darth Vader shot Luke an icy glare, "The force is with me... I felt your presents." Fictitious Characters Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist! Christmas Cookie Dough Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs. ''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.'' "Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it.'' "Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came. ''Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!''
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