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JeffsFort

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81 Moving On Up

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About JeffsFort

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    Member

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  • Age in Years
    46
  • Gender
    Male
  • Sexuality
    Gay
  • Favorite Genres
    Sci-Fi
  • Location
    Massachusetts
  • Interests
    Writing, web design, auto repair & restoration... being lazy ;)

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  1. JeffsFort

    Shared Blankets

    It's funny, I think so many of us have that "...and then moved on..." experiences in our past. Remembering them is bitter sweet no matter how many years come between today and then. This story really captures that "Well, that just happened." moment that we all have in awe of what we either didn't expect to happen or had hoped for but thought that hope was for the impossible. Thanks for sharing it with us
  2. How many times do we need to mention how old all this is before it stops sounding unreal?
  3. Hehehe, yeah. From way back it was something that I was convinced everyone did. You know, compare and brag. The earliest example I can come up with was with a couple of cousins. We had some bet going who was the biggest and to record the results, we put our measurements of them on an etch-a-sketch "Measured line to represent graphically". How's that for record keeping? The weird thing was that we almost got measuring ourselves right without an internet to "Google" how to. Had to be hard, duh, but we measured along side instead of from the abdomen along its upper side. It was in fun and gave us all a giggle. From then on, if I was curious about a friend (and yes, it had to be a close friend) I'd find a way get the spirit of the competition up. "Yeah, I bet I'm bigger than you..." Hehehe! If it's a buddy, the bet is already on, just waiting on the right time for the gauntlet to be dropped. I was actually above average for my age once I started to go through puberty. Almost as if that part of me got the growth spurt before the rest of me cause I was way shorter and skinnier than my friends. (I won quite a few of those bets!) Then as the rest of me caught up, I ended out being pretty average in size as an adult IMO. It's really never been anything important to me though. Honestly, from the hand full of actual experiences I have had with other guys, smaller is actually nicer to deal with. (Yeah, you heard me. LOL!) Sure, that big 10" pole that Mr. Wonderful may be sporting is awe inspiring but I'll be honest, too much work to deal with. A sexual partner I had for a short period of time was so insecure that he was barely hitting the 5" mark and no matter how much I tried to tell him it not only didn't matter but was actually more pleasurable for me, he remained insecure about it. Even intimidated by mine, which is only an inch bigger. It killed the relationship which I considered myself so lucky to actually find. But, life goes on right? So, if you think you are too small or worried about what you are packing, remember that for many people, it doesn't matter. And if you want a second opinion, I will inspect it and end your concerns, free of charge! Hehehe!
  4. Tough question because it can mean different things for different people. Sure a crush can open the door, and it may take opening X number of doors before you find one that you just feel you "HAVE" to walk through. Your question is, how do you know which one? For me it involves having a sort of "Ah-ha!" moment. When I realized I had gone from the "Man, I hope he likes me" and "OMG, he's so cute" to "I don't want exist without him." Which sounds a little dramatic but, you really begin to realize that there is a truth to it. And I'm not talking the "I'll just die without him..." tragic kind of separation anxiety that some people can feel. It begin's with the little things. You go from looking forward to time spent together to not knowing what to do with time spent apart. You go from realizing how happy you can be in the presence of someone, to forgetting how you were happy before that source of happiness was within your reach. You see a source of amazement in the small things you never noticed before in another person and it overshadows all those quirky little things that normally would irritate or turn you away. You realize that with this person in your life, you like who you are a little bit more. I always defined "True Love" as having all that be true, as well as having it all be mutual and acknowledging it. Even giving yourself to it freely. Does that mean all sunshine and flowers? God no. You are still two separate beings with different personalities and likes and dislikes... But your existence becomes a co-existence that overshadows the need to be "Just Me". We all need to be "Me" and learn to become just that as we mature. Then we learn that the "Me" becomes something treasured when you realize it has become "Us". My mother once told me, when an early crush turned out to be nothing more than just a crush: "If you are driving a car, it's nice to have a passenger to talk to. Friends and crushes keep you company on the long drive and help to pass the time. When you find love, you find the passenger who does all that AND also shares in the driving." As a kid I didn't look deep enough into what she was saying. Its companionship mixed with trust and for everyone, it is a different path to find both. Hope that makes sense
  5. I love how this story just gives you a smile and a sigh, no matter what... "K, see ya then." And with only a brief pause, I said, "I love you, Jesse." He melted. "Oh wow...I love you too, Tristan. I love you so much." "Awesome..." I whispered. "See you tomorrow, k?" ...this chapter is no exception *HUGZ*
  6. I have always used the saying “I’ve worn the mask for so long that I don’t know who I am without it anymore.” which sucks sometimes. I did learn to open up and vent the side I hid from the ‘real’ world in online communities that I had started to find and eventually created as time went on but even that isn’t entirely who I am. Put the two together and I think you just might find out who I am as a person overall. On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m about a 4 in real life. I don’t express to anyone who I think is cute or hot, even to the hand full that know I am gay. I have known from a seriously young age back, when I developed an attraction to teenage boys that it was best to keep those thoughts and feelings to myself. An attraction that just never seemed to age with me and got less understood or tolerated the older I got. But on the flip side of that coin, I am able to express myself online to friends who are a part of the community that get it. But the funny thing, even then it is with ‘very’ few people that I will actually say “wow, he’s cute” and even then I feel guilty for saying it out loud. I think it has a lot to do with how I was raised. “Never objectify people...” was drilled into my head from very early on. Couple that with an attraction that I can’t act on and it is like my brain mentally slaps me anytime I even think of some teenager as being desirable. Being around others that have the ability to say that someone I find attractive actually is does make it easier but, I’ve trained myself to keep it where it belongs: to myself. Now, if someone were to ask me, I won’t lie about it. “Are you gay?” To me doesn’t have a simple way of being answered. I’ve had crushes on both males and females throughout my life. I don’t consider myself ‘Bi’ but then again gender doesn’t hold a drastic importance when it comes to being beautiful as a person. I am strongly attracted to teenage males and have been ever since being introduced to ‘sex play’ by older males in my pre-teen years but, that attraction has always just opened the door to an attraction aimed at who that person is inside, not out. I’ve learned that my feelings towards someone I was physically attracted to doesn’t seem to fade as that person becomes a man. Which is odd because I normally have no attraction to adult males, quite the opposite unless, I like what I see deeper than the skin. In turn, I choose to not share how many pages are in this book with the people around me unless I think it can help. I made it okay to talk about it online because, I turned to the internet to find people who ‘get it’ and since I actually found that; I decided to continue to be that for others who need to find the same. So, I wear the mask in real life to just blend into the crowd. Draw no extra attention and don’t answer the questions that would get people curious enough to ask more. If asked, I’ll give the simple answer and let the trailing silence close the book on the conversation naturally. Online, I can put on the extreme opposite mask and be happy, and proud, and more vocal but, the real me is somewhere in the middle wishing there was never a need for a mask or a reason to have to stay in the shadows. It took many years, and many mistakes to teach me where and how I need to draw clear boundaries between me and absolutely everyone else and now it’s as practiced as a religion for me. One that I reluctantly use to appear normal to the unenlightened. I guess the candle is lit, but I keep it in a shaded box and probably always will.
  7. Oh wow, I just watched that tonight on my way home. It was really well done! They are looking for support To start doing larger projects so hopefully we’ll see more
  8. “That felt like a man slap, didn’t it?!?” OMG...
  9. That was a great podcast and I think the topic was very tastefully done. Hyper92 picked out the highlight that echos through my mind after it all and it isn’t something that was unknown, just unsaid. It’s the double edged sword that we have always battled. “How can people accept us if we can’t accept ourselves?” Not as easily accomplished as it would seem. Being gay in and of itself back in the 80’s and 90’s was reason enough for most of us to stay in hiding but add to that your new found sexual attraction in school being toward same sex peers and then not having that attraction age with you. When you don’t even completely fit in with the gay community, it becomes a challenge to not hate yourself, never mind accept. Many interesting conversations come from those podcasts. Since listening to Comsie, I’ve begun listening to the others and can say that I’m excited that they are attempting to put a face on a very real variation on the LGBTQ+ that I just can’t for the life of me see being supported by the rest of the community. Less feared, maybe. A little more understood, possibly. But, as it all too often happens, age difference equates to violent encounters in the minds of the majority. For every 1000 friendships that involve what is being referred to as a MAP with anyone under the legal age of consent, 1 instance of manipulation and force discolors all the rest. That’s a tarnish that I can’t even imagine being removed in my lifetime. The first step toward understanding needs a meaningful and informative medium. As has often been the case, Comicality is pioneering once again and helping to provide that medium. While providing his usual “love all” vibe. I intend to keep an eye on these podcasts and what these people do with this newly found voice. Thanks for sharing this with us all Comet
  10. Only when I was young enough to not care, was I ever happy with my looks. I was a skinny little kid with shaggy brown, un-interesting hair. I remember in the forth grade beginning to wish I was "as cute" as him or, wishing my hair looked as nice, as shiny, as soft, as neat... as anyone else's. Basically, I learned to simply wish I was anyone but me. I lived in a rough situation at home that already had me hating my life so, not liking how I looked was the icing on the cake for me. I think the biggest thing I hated about myself was the fact that I had to wear glasses. I was about 6 when I got my first pair and wore them up until my freshman year of High School. "Nerd" was the term I heard more in my head when I looked in the mirror at home than I did at school, but I heard it enough from a few insensitive kids to validate applying it to myself. When I no longer needed to wear them, I always found other things about me not to like. I was horrible with compliments as no matter how sincere someone was, I always waited for the "but" in their statement. It sort of comes with the territory I guess. "I can't find anything like-able about myself so how can you?" I have tons of examples of when this would happen. "You have the bluest eyes... but..." "I love your sneakers... but..." "You look nice... but..." When the statement didn't come with a personal shot, I'd run one through my head. "...but, you're still a skinny little nerd." Do I like what I see in the mirror today? Not really, no. Not at all. I mean, I should. But I don't. I'm not fat but I hate my body size and wish it was more like it was when I was younger. I began losing my hair young and now wish I had back that hair that I hated back then. I don't look my age as many people love reminding me but I look for the age in my face and because i am looking, I'm guaranteed to see it. Do I hate who I am? Not entirely. I've made mistakes in my time, I've made some people angry and fallen short of others expectations but, I have always tried to be kind and respectful. I just don't like what I see in the mirror most of the time and probably never will. The difference between now and back when this issue reared its ugly head? Now if someone pays me a compliment, I thank them and know that they don't see what I do. Which is a very good thing in the end.
  11. Heh, I’ve had this in my “watch” list for a couple of months now and haven’t had the time to watch it. Looks like I have to now *HUGZ*
  12. Hey Comet! If you get a chance, watch some Naruto. There is a really great life lesson to be learned from it as the main character has everything against him but is aiming to become the most powerful in the highest position to be had. "Someday I will be Hokage! Believe it!" I bet like me it won't take you any time at all to get into it and then you both will really have something to talk about.
  13. It's actually sad to see that address go. I mean sure, there are a ton of younger Shackers who have no idea what WebTV was or that it was even a thing one upon a fetus internet I know they aren't going to jump to restore service but the least they can do is allow you to get what was stored on it. 🙄 *HUGZ* The new one is all you now, take that WebTV or Outlook... or whoever actually owned the domain last!
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