Dreaming of hope

[darkfoxprime]

Even though the colors and sounds and everything were muted, it was still a vividly-felt dream, one that I've had every few months for years.

 

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I woke up with the alarm clock, hitting it and wishing I'd gotten rid of it, but it didn't matter anyway. Rolled out of bed, checking that the roomie was really gone before pushing down the sweats I slept in and mechanically getting dressed. Sitting down at the dorm room desk, I realized I didn't even know what I had on. Didn't matter anyway. Looked at the paper on the desk, the scribbles from the last time I'd been to class. Random geometric figures, various renditions of "I hate this", places where I'd blackened the paper with the pen so hard that it had torn holes. Looked from there to the stack of books. Picked up the top one, wondered if I should even bother trying to go to English class today, since I'd only made it twice in the last month. Didn't matter anyway. I was going to fail all my classes and get kicked out of college because of academic probation and it didn't matter anyway.

 

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Like I said, it was a vivid dream, if only because of the intensity of the non-emotion.

 

I've never been in this situation. I have no real idea where the dream comes from. The one time I ever fell that far, due to a bunch of stuff all coming down at once, I was suicidal for about a week before I decided I was too much of a wimp to actually carry it out. I didn't want the pain, didn't want to hurt people I cared about. Then sunshine came into my life again in the form of (as Grasshopper writes) my OTL, my one true love, and I've not been down that road in the 16 and a half years since.

 

I guess the only reason I wrote this up is to say that I hope that everyone who's feeling this way can find someone to talk to, someone who can safeguard their trust, help them to see that there are reasons to care about the world, reasons to find a way to get help getting past what they're going through.

 

With love and hope.

dfp