CLIMAX

[Christian000]

(p.s.- this story was originally about two guys but since i only use pronouns i changed it so the reader does not get confused)

 

CLIMAX

 

He bit his lip at the sight of her

Fearlessly, their eyes dived into each other

His heart

dropped.

ross.

and throbbed.

Once

Twice

Thrice

He quickly approached climax as his mind ventured through her clothes.

.

Down to her core,

through her skin,

to her flesh,

He wandered.

 

. . .

Adoring her flesh,

He made contact.

Ripe vigor and skin

Like dogs, they pulled on each other.

Raping her heart of all it's love- he entered her bosom.

With a breathe- With his tongue

He entered her soul

And There

He found Her

 

.

!

.

 

Bang

Like quick thunder

Cupid's arrow ate through his core

And wrenched his heart to the surface.

 

.

On the floor of the janitor's closet

His skin and brawn still tight and wet

His clothes drenched in juice.

 

 

 

-- He never learned what happened that day.

[Christian000]

interestingly enough, i post 3 poems all around the same time. and the latest poem get the most views. why? simply because it is titled CLIMAX. : )

[corvus]

You have potential. I think some parts work better than others. The many short lines is a bold stylistic decision, and I rather like it, even though I think you should be careful not to overuse it. I particularly liked these two lines: "On the floor of the janitor's closet / His skin and brawn still tight and wet." I would also try to decide what it is actually going on, especially because some parts ("He quickly approached climax as his mind ventured through her clothes.") sounds like a mindrape. " -- He never learned what happened that day." is not a bad ending at all, but I want to know that the poet does know what happened -- or, if he doesn't in straightforward terms, that he knows on a gut level that I can trust.

 

Nice job, I liked it.

[Christian000]

I think some parts work better than others. The many short lines is a bold stylistic decision, and I rather like it, even though I think you should be careful not to overuse it. I particularly liked these two lines: "On the floor of the janitor's closet / His skin and brawn still tight and wet." I would also try to decide what it is actually going on, especially because some parts ("He quickly approached climax as his mind ventured through her clothes.") sounds like a mindrape. " -- He never learned what happened that day." is not a bad ending at all, but I want to know that the poet does know what happened -- or, if he doesn't in straightforward terms, that he knows on a gut level that I can trust.

The audience can assume what happens, but in the poem the poet challenges the audience to take the perspective of the character. To fantasies as an adolescent and be helplessly taken away by sheer blood rush.

 

With this in mind, CLIMAX, the title, does not accurately introduce the more euphorically vague poem. Instead i used it as a one word preface to catch the reader (who expects this poem to open up at a fast pace) in a slightly awkward position -to give the sense of a man/boy who is not under the Complete influence of teenage hormones (otherwise it would have been Much more awkward) yet still unexperienced.

 

As I reread this poem I feel that some mechanics did not work as consistently as I hoped, yet, because it was nothing specific in the poem I was not able to point it out; thank you very much for mentioning this the way you did! -simply the way you articulated click in my head. (about my short lines in this poem)

I delivered this poem Exactly how I wanted to (this was the rhythm and structure I chose for particular reasons), yet at times it does not seem as fluid nor as lucid as I hoped.

 

-"mind-rape"- I did not intended to make it appear that way. I wanted a strong vivid description of tension. . .

 

Am glad you mention these line (He quickly approached . . . He wandered).

When I wrote this poem I wanted it to entice a wide degree of readers, both average and sharp readers. These lines I used as a point of departure -indicated by the pause then sudden raise in tempo also it is the break where fantasy turns into questionable reality(to the character)- , from this line on the main character, the curious dumbfounded young man, loses his sense of reality.

 

Again, Thank You for your comments and interests!!!

(I will post others I have left out now.)

 

- Christian000

Edited April 8, 2008 by Christian000

[knight1234]

Bravo Christian000... Well done. Yes it immediately caught my attention too but I should tell you that it's well written...

[Tiger]

That's an interesting poem. You have the potential to be a good poet. Keep up the good work.

[AFriendlyFace]

Actually I rather like the ambiguity of it.

 

Upon reflection it could be about a guy who sneaked into the janitor's closet to fantasize about a girl (or boy I suppose as your notes indicate) and, shall we say 'take care of business'. Then at the climax he suddenly and unexpectedly fell in love (as opposed to lust)? That wasn't the original interpretation I took, but actually I think I like it better

 

Anyway, good job!

Kevin