Emotional Cruelty

[Tiger]

cru

[Myk]

I would say the problem is these people, cruel individuals but honestly, you can't hope to change or get away from them all in this world. So....

 

the problem is you!...or rather your mindset. You simply can't let what any one person says destroy your world. So, show some confidence and learn to be rubber, not glue

[Dion]

When someone has been cruel to you, how do you move past it?

You spend a little time feeling hurt and then write it off as a bad experience.

 

And if you see that the perpetrator is likely to treat others in a similar manner, people that you care about, how do you deal with the issue without suffering some kind of backlash?

Try to tactfully explain to the other person that they may want to be on guard with the 'perpetrator'. Prepare for the backlash. If it doesn't happen you'll be relieved.

 

Why are some people so cruel...

People are cruel for two reasons: Because they themselves are hurting and can't stand to see others content or because hurting others gives them a temporary feeling of power.

 

...and how do you protect yourself and others from such people?

Sadly, you can't, unless you want to go through life not trusting others as far as you can throw them.

 

Short answers, I know, but these questions have a shade of rhetorical in them. There are cruel people out there - a lot of them - and that isn't going to change. There always has been and always will be cruelty in the world because man is a cruel animal.

Edited April 19, 2009 by Dion

[kitten]

Why are some people so cruel, and how do you protect yourself and others from such people?

 

Personally, I don't think the 'why' is of any practical significance to the way I would deal with it, though it may be of some academic interest.

 

You can't protect yourself or others completely, but after you experience it for the first time you can reduce the chance of further such episodes by taking a severe and unrelenting vengeance. Just as bullies can't deal with being bullied, cruel people usually don't cope well when they are made to suffer. Make sure that you hurt them many times more than they hurt you and let them know that you are prepared to go to any lengths to make them pay dearly for any hurt they cause to you or to those you care about. That way the perpetrator will hopefully be so scared of further reprisals that they will be driven away or at least they won't be inclined to risk hurting you or those close to you in future.

 

Basically, it's a little like weapons of mass destruction; once the bad guys know you have them and that you are prepared to use them then they won't start a war.

 

Kit

[AFriendlyFace]

I think Dion's post and responses most closely reflect my philosophy on this topic.

 

Generally I would say that when you get hurt the best course of action is to acknowledge the hurt, feel it, and then let go of it. When you think someone you care about might be in danger all you can do is try to express concern and gently warn them. You can't 'avoid' such people in the first place, but you can get over the pain they inflect. You can then avoid those people. It's not perfect, but it generally works, at least for me.

 

To go into further detail on each point (because as we're all aware brevity isn't my strong suit ), I think one way to help yourself get over the pain is to see the other person as more of an individual. It may really have been an accident, a misunderstanding, or simple insensitivity. Which doesn't change the fact that they hurt you, but it may make it easier for you to get over it. Another point is to remember that as people none of us is perfect. You yourself have probably behaved cruelly too. I also find it helpful to think about what might be their motives. Are they insecure? Scared? Angry about something? Basically I suggest humanizing the offending party. It will give you a greater sense of control over the situation and won't seem so much like a random act that you're powerless against. I find doing these things also generally makes it easier to move past the pain and let it go. As the old expression goes,

 

"resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

 

I really do believe in the other old adage that, "living well is the best revenge." Blow it off, forget about the other person, and move on with your life. (after you acknowledge, accept, and feel the hurt that is)

 

 

Regarding the warning of friends and loved ones, I think that what is important is that you acknowledge that you can't protect them 100%. People do need to make their own mistakes sometimes and sometimes even if you can stop them, it doesn't mean that you should because regret and uncertainty can often be harder than pain to get over and move beyond.

 

Another important point to remember is that you may not know what is best for the other person. You may have your own very strong opinions, but interpersonal dynamics vary between people. It's quite possible that this cruel person was cruel in part because of the way your personalities interacted. With this other person the 'cruel individual' may actually be very kind and gentle. Apart from differences in personalities it's also helpful to remember that people act differently at different times and for different reasons. Maybe the cruel person hasn't so much 'changed' (because you may or may not think that that is possible), as they have moved beyond the situation they were originally in which led to their behaviour.

 

Here's an example of that last point. Let's say you meet a guy and have a relationship with him, but he hasn't completely come to terms with his sexuality or generally feels negatively about it, and as a result he ends up behaving cruelly and hurting you. Naturally you might not want your best friend to date him a few years later, but there really is every chance that the person has now accepted himself and moved beyond a lot of those negative feelings he was dealing with when the two of you were together. It doesn't 'excuse' him for his behaviour to you, but it does effectively remove the likelihood that he will 'sin again' at least with regards to those motives and reasons.

 

So people are different and interact differently, and sometimes cruel people 'change' and situations themselves definitely change so maybe your loved one won't get hurt after all.

 

Ignoring those first two general conditions (the first being that maybe your loved one needs to find out for themselves and the second being that maybe your loved one won't actually get hurt in the first place) let's turn to what you can say if you feel you have to.

 

I generally think that it's best to start of by acknowledging that you're not trying to control the other person, that you acknowledge that they may know more about their own situation than you do, and that you'll ultimately respect their decisions. That helps put the other person at ease and makes them less defensive to what you're trying to say. Next express that your concern isn't founded on your own dislike of the person but from a genuine concern for their well-being. You care and that's why you want to say what you're saying. Finally, honestly express your concern, relate your own story, and tell them that regardless you'll continue to be there for them.

 

If you can't generally say and do those things honestly, then perhaps it would be good to examine your own motives in wanting to stop them.

 

Lastly, do continue to be there for them and be supportive regardless of what happens. If everything turns out great, then let go of your suspicion and try to express honest happiness for your friend. If things turn out poorly, resist the urge to say "I told you so" (in any of its forms) and just genuinely try to be there to make them feel better.

 

 

Regarding the last point, the part about avoiding these people, yeah you really can't. You're always going to get hurt and meet people who treat you less than ideal. However, if you develop good coping skills and a general sense of confidence then you needn't be fearful of these experiences and these people. Face them when they occur and then pick yourself up and go on.

 

 

Anyway, those are just my thoughts, based on my experiences and perspectives; they may not work for everyone I suppose.

 

Take care and have a great day

Kevin

[Tiger]

Life can be complicated. It's worth noting that there may have been some ulterior motives. I don't want to get into too many specifics, but let's say that I was at a point where I was easy enough to manipulate. People who know how to take advantage of that have an opening to basically bring you up a bit and then kick you back down. I'm not really angry. I don't tend to stay angry for long. I've had time to reflect on it, and I have clarity, and it's opened my eyes to signs of a person who lies. If you talk to a compulsive liar long enough, you can recognize their inconsistencies, and inconsistencies are definitely a sign of untruthfulness. People who lie and manipulate, in my experience, do not suddenly stop lying and manipulating. They simply get better at it.