Sonrisa

[MGM]

My arms tremble as the blood boils inside running through my veins past the muscles provoking them to move and I want to but I can't because you tied them up with tape you found in your box where you keep your paints and your other tools that you use.

 

My brain feels dizzy and dizzier and my vision blurry as I stare at you, staring at me while you carve and carve out of that block even though the shavings bleed down to the ground making a mess, you know you're father hates that.

 

My back, my back, oh it hurts. It hurts so much because of how hard you squeezed and I asked you to let go but you just laughed and laughed and laughed and then squeezed harder and I finally gave up and just let you do what you wish with me, throw me around like a rag doll and I just smile and smile and smile.

 

God make it stop. Please just make it stop. I like the Spanish sonrisa that we shared a while back, we played around with it until our faces hurt and our skin wrinkled and our eyes teared and our hands hurt and our bodies sweat.

 

Our lists they have our names written together almost inseparable, ridiculously together and I see it and you hide it because you don't like to show me and I laugh, and cry and tremble and scream and call and yell and boil and breath and sigh and wish and then keep wishing and eventually, hopefully I will forget.

[Menzoberranzen]

Not a bad poem. You have some nice turns of phrase in there, but since its a poem I think that more emphatic/creative punctuation and fewer conjunctions would make it read less like prose. Remember, this is a poem and you don't need to feel bound by conventional rules of grammar and sentence structure. I'm a big fan of free verse, but I think that this skirts the line between verse and prose.

 

Good imagery and emotion.

 

Menzo

[MGM]

Not a bad poem. You have some nice turns of phrase in there, but since its a poem I think that more emphatic/creative punctuation and fewer conjunctions would make it read less like prose. Remember, this is a poem and you don't need to feel bound by conventional rules of grammar and sentence structure. I'm a big fan of free verse, but I think that this skirts the line between verse and prose.

 

Good imagery and emotion.

 

Menzo

 

Thanks for the advice. Yeah, I'm not entirely educated as to the difference i failed English terribly haha. But I'm not lying to you when i say this is seriously how the poem (or prose) came out haha. I don't actually try to write as in make drafts or anything like that. It sort of pops into my brain exactly like this and then i just write it down. I guess for some reason I have Jane Austen living in my brain feeding me lines. looool.