"Derailed" by LemonFresh

[Agincourt]

This discussion concerns the story "Derailed" by LemonFresh.

 

There may be spoilers so you may not want to read this message before reading the story.

 

The story is set in some unspecified time and place, presumably in the future. The narrator is 14-year-old Cameron, who is hiding with a number of others deep in an abandoned subway system. He and the others are hiding because they have been infected with some sort of virus that gives them special powers. His is a kinetic power that allows him to pick up and move (or smash to bits!) other physical objects near him.

 

The group he is with operates a sort of Underground Railroad to locate and smuggle to safety others on "the surface" who are infected. This group is run by an archetypical moody and somewhat inscrutable leader named Corbin. Young Cameron is unhappy because he has not been allowed to accompany the teams that go to the surface. He is told that his power is not sufficiently under his control. An experiment run by another denizen of this group, computer whiz Mark, demonstrates that emotions have a strong effect on how Cameron's power manifests itself. This is especially true if something triggers a memory of Cameron's mother, who was lost (we're not entirely sure how) some 10 years earlier, probably in conjunction with Cameron's presence underground.

 

Cameron is secretly fond of another young lad named Seth. The two of them tend to hang out together, and share a sleeping tent (though nothing happens between them). Cameron is afraid to say anything to Seth for fear he will lose the boy's friendship if his attraction is revealed. For his part, Seth does some things that cause the reader to wonder whether the feeling is mutual.

 

After the experiment run by Mark, which culminates in Mark's electronic laboratory being smashed to pieces by Cameron's mental power that lashes out due to strong emotions, Cameron is sent to see another inscrutable figure named Magashi. This 60-year-old "master" is highly reminiscent of Laurence Fishburne's "Morpheus" character from The Matrix. Indeed, we see Cameron and Magashi engage in a training session involving physical combat that echoes the similar session that Neo and Morpheus engage in during The Matrix.

 

Magashi tells Cameron that he's not ready to go on missions because his powers are not sufficiently under his control. Mark shares this view. Nonetheless, as Chapter 5 closes, Cameron is summoned by Corbin and told that he will be going on the next mission to the surface, a supposedly routine mission to pick up a new group of infected people on the surface. Cameron overhears a heated debate between Corbin and Mark, who opposes having Cameron go on this mission. Mark accuses Corbin of having a double standard involving another character named Andrea, a gifted healer (who has several opportunities to heal Cameron during these early chapters). The implication is that Corbin and Andrea have a secret love affair going. It's not entirely clear why such an affair would be wrong, much less why it would have to be secret. Corbin is unswayed, and as the chapter ends Cameron is on the train headed for "the surface," swallowing some nano-technology potion containing little gizmos that will fool the sensors of the bad guys on the surface who try to round up infected people.

 

Even by chapter 5 there are still a number of unanswered story questions. What really happened to Cameron's mother? What is this infection, and how does it spread? Why are the people on the surface so terrified of those who have enhanced powers because of the infection?

 

In many ways, the story seems to be a blend of the misunderstood mutant of X-Men fame, with the dystopic world of The Matrix, complete with bad guys (similar to Agents) ready to pounce on anyone who deviates from the norm.

 

The one towering issue in this story is one of craft -- it is riddled with typographical errors, missing words, misspelled words ("breaks" instead of "brakes"), and some general sloppiness. Nonetheless, it is a promising saga, and if one can overlook the technical problems it appears to offer some interesting reading.

 

A

[LemonFresh]

This discussion concerns the story "Derailed" by LemonFresh.

 

There may be spoilers so you may not want to read this message before reading the story.

 

The story is set in some unspecified time and place, presumably in the future. The narrator is 14-year-old Cameron, who is hiding with a number of others deep in an abandoned subway system. He and the others are hiding because they have been infected with some sort of virus that gives them special powers. His is a kinetic power that allows him to pick up and move (or smash to bits!) other physical objects near him.

 

The group he is with operates a sort of Underground Railroad to locate and smuggle to safety others on "the surface" who are infected. This group is run by an archetypical moody and somewhat inscrutable leader named Corbin. Young Cameron is unhappy because he has not been allowed to accompany the teams that go to the surface. He is told that his power is not sufficiently under his control. An experiment run by another denizen of this group, computer whiz Mark, demonstrates that emotions have a strong effect on how Cameron's power manifests itself. This is especially true if something triggers a memory of Cameron's mother, who was lost (we're not entirely sure how) some 10 years earlier, probably in conjunction with Cameron's presence underground.

 

Cameron is secretly fond of another young lad named Seth. The two of them tend to hang out together, and share a sleeping tent (though nothing happens between them). Cameron is afraid to say anything to Seth for fear he will lose the boy's friendship if his attraction is revealed. For his part, Seth does some things that cause the reader to wonder whether the feeling is mutual.

 

After the experiment run by Mark, which culminates in Mark's electronic laboratory being smashed to pieces by Cameron's mental power that lashes out due to strong emotions, Cameron is sent to see another inscrutable figure named Magashi. This 60-year-old "master" is highly reminiscent of Laurence Fishburne's "Morpheus" character from The Matrix. Indeed, we see Cameron and Magashi engage in a training session involving physical combat that echoes the similar session that Neo and Morpheus engage in during The Matrix.

 

Magashi tells Cameron that he's not ready to go on missions because his powers are not sufficiently under his control. Mark shares this view. Nonetheless, as Chapter 5 closes, Cameron is summoned by Corbin and told that he will be going on the next mission to the surface, a supposedly routine mission to pick up a new group of infected people on the surface. Cameron overhears a heated debate between Corbin and Mark, who opposes having Cameron go on this mission. Mark accuses Corbin of having a double standard involving another character named Andrea, a gifted healer (who has several opportunities to heal Cameron during these early chapters). The implication is that Corbin and Andrea have a secret love affair going. It's not entirely clear why such an affair would be wrong, much less why it would have to be secret. Corbin is unswayed, and as the chapter ends Cameron is on the train headed for "the surface," swallowing some nano-technology potion containing little gizmos that will fool the sensors of the bad guys on the surface who try to round up infected people.

 

Even by chapter 5 there are still a number of unanswered story questions. What really happened to Cameron's mother? What is this infection, and how does it spread? Why are the people on the surface so terrified of those who have enhanced powers because of the infection?

 

In many ways, the story seems to be a blend of the misunderstood mutant of X-Men fame, with the dystopic world of The Matrix, complete with bad guys (similar to Agents) ready to pounce on anyone who deviates from the norm.

 

The one towering issue in this story is one of craft -- it is riddled with typographical errors, missing words, misspelled words ("breaks" instead of "brakes"), and some general sloppiness. Nonetheless, it is a promising saga, and if one can overlook the technical problems it appears to offer some interesting reading.

 

A

 

First i would love to say thanks for reading my story and im glad your enjoying it so fay (You are enjoying it right?) secondly you werent kidding when you said spoiler alert LOL i dont know if i would have given a exact play by play of each chapter in a review but ehhhh its your choise. as for elements of other stories and things X-men yeah ill own up to it i do take influence from diffrent things i think now and days with all the wonderful stories we have its hard not to take influence from certain things at least in part. i mean look at the lion king it was a glorifide Disney retelling of Shakespears McBeth, so i am in no way shape or form to proud to admit yes i did use several elements form an assortment of things but i think its the combination of the elements that givesway to new tails. (TRON+Bruse Lee films+Judge Dread= The Matrix).

[LemonFresh]

This discussion concerns the story "Derailed" by LemonFresh.

 

There may be spoilers so you may not want to read this message before reading the story.

 

The story is set in some unspecified time and place, presumably in the future. The narrator is 14-year-old Cameron, who is hiding with a number of others deep in an abandoned subway system. He and the others are hiding because they have been infected with some sort of virus that gives them special powers. His is a kinetic power that allows him to pick up and move (or smash to bits!) other physical objects near him.

 

The group he is with operates a sort of Underground Railroad to locate and smuggle to safety others on "the surface" who are infected. This group is run by an archetypical moody and somewhat inscrutable leader named Corbin. Young Cameron is unhappy because he has not been allowed to accompany the teams that go to the surface. He is told that his power is not sufficiently under his control. An experiment run by another denizen of this group, computer whiz Mark, demonstrates that emotions have a strong effect on how Cameron's power manifests itself. This is especially true if something triggers a memory of Cameron's mother, who was lost (we're not entirely sure how) some 10 years earlier, probably in conjunction with Cameron's presence underground.

 

Cameron is secretly fond of another young lad named Seth. The two of them tend to hang out together, and share a sleeping tent (though nothing happens between them). Cameron is afraid to say anything to Seth for fear he will lose the boy's friendship if his attraction is revealed. For his part, Seth does some things that cause the reader to wonder whether the feeling is mutual.

 

After the experiment run by Mark, which culminates in Mark's electronic laboratory being smashed to pieces by Cameron's mental power that lashes out due to strong emotions, Cameron is sent to see another inscrutable figure named Magashi. This 60-year-old "master" is highly reminiscent of Laurence Fishburne's "Morpheus" character from The Matrix. Indeed, we see Cameron and Magashi engage in a training session involving physical combat that echoes the similar session that Neo and Morpheus engage in during The Matrix.

 

Magashi tells Cameron that he's not ready to go on missions because his powers are not sufficiently under his control. Mark shares this view. Nonetheless, as Chapter 5 closes, Cameron is summoned by Corbin and told that he will be going on the next mission to the surface, a supposedly routine mission to pick up a new group of infected people on the surface. Cameron overhears a heated debate between Corbin and Mark, who opposes having Cameron go on this mission. Mark accuses Corbin of having a double standard involving another character named Andrea, a gifted healer (who has several opportunities to heal Cameron during these early chapters). The implication is that Corbin and Andrea have a secret love affair going. It's not entirely clear why such an affair would be wrong, much less why it would have to be secret. Corbin is unswayed, and as the chapter ends Cameron is on the train headed for "the surface," swallowing some nano-technology potion containing little gizmos that will fool the sensors of the bad guys on the surface who try to round up infected people.

 

Even by chapter 5 there are still a number of unanswered story questions. What really happened to Cameron's mother? What is this infection, and how does it spread? Why are the people on the surface so terrified of those who have enhanced powers because of the infection?

 

In many ways, the story seems to be a blend of the misunderstood mutant of X-Men fame, with the dystopic world of The Matrix, complete with bad guys (similar to Agents) ready to pounce on anyone who deviates from the norm.

 

The one towering issue in this story is one of craft -- it is riddled with typographical errors, missing words, misspelled words ("breaks" instead of "brakes"), and some general sloppiness. Nonetheless, it is a promising saga, and if one can overlook the technical problems it appears to offer some interesting reading.

 

A

 

First i would love to say thanks for reading my story and im glad your enjoying it so fay (You are enjoying it right?) secondly you werent kidding when you said spoiler alert LOL i dont know if i would have given a exact play by play of each chapter in a review but ehhhh its your choise. as for elements of other stories and things X-men yeah ill own up to it i do take influence from diffrent things i think now and days with all the wonderful stories we have its hard not to take influence from certain things at least in part. i mean look at the lion king it was a glorifide Disney retelling of Shakespears McBeth, so i am in no way shape or form to proud to admit yes i did use several elements form an assortment of things but i think its the combination of the elements that givesway to new tails. (TRON+Bruse Lee films+Judge Dread= The Matrix).

[LemonFresh]

This discussion concerns the story "Derailed" by LemonFresh.

 

There may be spoilers so you may not want to read this message before reading the story.

 

The story is set in some unspecified time and place, presumably in the future. The narrator is 14-year-old Cameron, who is hiding with a number of others deep in an abandoned subway system. He and the others are hiding because they have been infected with some sort of virus that gives them special powers. His is a kinetic power that allows him to pick up and move (or smash to bits!) other physical objects near him.

 

The group he is with operates a sort of Underground Railroad to locate and smuggle to safety others on "the surface" who are infected. This group is run by an archetypical moody and somewhat inscrutable leader named Corbin. Young Cameron is unhappy because he has not been allowed to accompany the teams that go to the surface. He is told that his power is not sufficiently under his control. An experiment run by another denizen of this group, computer whiz Mark, demonstrates that emotions have a strong effect on how Cameron's power manifests itself. This is especially true if something triggers a memory of Cameron's mother, who was lost (we're not entirely sure how) some 10 years earlier, probably in conjunction with Cameron's presence underground.

 

Cameron is secretly fond of another young lad named Seth. The two of them tend to hang out together, and share a sleeping tent (though nothing happens between them). Cameron is afraid to say anything to Seth for fear he will lose the boy's friendship if his attraction is revealed. For his part, Seth does some things that cause the reader to wonder whether the feeling is mutual.

 

After the experiment run by Mark, which culminates in Mark's electronic laboratory being smashed to pieces by Cameron's mental power that lashes out due to strong emotions, Cameron is sent to see another inscrutable figure named Magashi. This 60-year-old "master" is highly reminiscent of Laurence Fishburne's "Morpheus" character from The Matrix. Indeed, we see Cameron and Magashi engage in a training session involving physical combat that echoes the similar session that Neo and Morpheus engage in during The Matrix.

 

Magashi tells Cameron that he's not ready to go on missions because his powers are not sufficiently under his control. Mark shares this view. Nonetheless, as Chapter 5 closes, Cameron is summoned by Corbin and told that he will be going on the next mission to the surface, a supposedly routine mission to pick up a new group of infected people on the surface. Cameron overhears a heated debate between Corbin and Mark, who opposes having Cameron go on this mission. Mark accuses Corbin of having a double standard involving another character named Andrea, a gifted healer (who has several opportunities to heal Cameron during these early chapters). The implication is that Corbin and Andrea have a secret love affair going. It's not entirely clear why such an affair would be wrong, much less why it would have to be secret. Corbin is unswayed, and as the chapter ends Cameron is on the train headed for "the surface," swallowing some nano-technology potion containing little gizmos that will fool the sensors of the bad guys on the surface who try to round up infected people.

 

Even by chapter 5 there are still a number of unanswered story questions. What really happened to Cameron's mother? What is this infection, and how does it spread? Why are the people on the surface so terrified of those who have enhanced powers because of the infection?

 

In many ways, the story seems to be a blend of the misunderstood mutant of X-Men fame, with the dystopic world of The Matrix, complete with bad guys (similar to Agents) ready to pounce on anyone who deviates from the norm.

 

The one towering issue in this story is one of craft -- it is riddled with typographical errors, missing words, misspelled words ("breaks" instead of "brakes"), and some general sloppiness. Nonetheless, it is a promising saga, and if one can overlook the technical problems it appears to offer some interesting reading.

 

A

 

First i would love to say thanks for reading my story and im glad your enjoying it so fay (You are enjoying it right?) secondly you werent kidding when you said spoiler alert LOL i dont know if i would have given a exact play by play of each chapter in a review but ehhhh its your choise. as for elements of other stories and things X-men yeah ill own up to it i do take influence from diffrent things i think now and days with all the wonderful stories we have its hard not to take influence from certain things at least in part. i mean look at the lion king it was a glorifide Disney retelling of Shakespears McBeth, so i am in no way shape or form to proud to admit yes i did use several elements form an assortment of things but i think its the combination of the elements that givesway to new tails. (TRON+Bruse Lee films+Judge Dread= The Matrix).