Being Bisexual

[Pete Bruno]

I would like to try and understand what you are trying to say. Would you please elaborate?

 

I'm very sorry, but I was typing fast and failed to proof read. I t should have read "Show me".

They were talking about a guy that Arnold was having an affair with who claimed to be bi. It was his way of saying that a lot of men who claim to be bi are really gay. Now I do now a few men who are truly bi-sexual, but it has been my experience (espec. between the ages of 18 and 30) that more often than not it was a cover when someone was afraid of coming out.

[Mark Arbour]

I think it's absurd for a person to question another person's sexuality. You have some greater knowledge of them that gives you that right?

[Pete Bruno]

I think it's absurd for a person to question another person's sexuality. You have some greater knowledge of them that gives you that right?

 

Well I think you're entire post is absurd. Firstly, all I did was quote a very famous GAY actor, writer,and director from a equally famous GAY movie, I never once questioned anyone's sexuality. Secondly, I spoke of my experience as a gay man. If I'm not mistaken I'm clicked on the forum tab and entered the lounge section of this website. Silly me, I thought it was a place were one could speak freely about themselves, their lives and their opinions.

[Mark Arbour]

Well I think you're entire post is absurd. Firstly, all I did was quote a very famous GAY actor, writer,and director from a equally famous GAY movie, I never once questioned anyone's sexuality. Secondly, I spoke of my experience as a gay man. If I'm not mistaken I'm clicked on the forum tab and entered the lounge section of this website. Silly me, I thought it was a place were one could speak freely about themselves, their lives and their opinions.

 

Sorry Pete. I didn't mean to direct that comment specifically at you, which is why I didn't quote your post, but I can see where you would think that. It was more my rumination on the topic as a whole.

[Russell Timm]

I'm very sorry, but I was typing fast and failed to proof read. I t should have read "Show me". They were talking about a guy that Arnold was having an affair with who claimed to be bi. It was his way of saying that a lot of men who claim to be bi are really gay. Now I do now a few men who are truly bi-sexual, but it has been my experience (espec. between the ages of 18 and 30) that more often than not it was a cover when someone was afraid of coming out.

Yes Pete, that's how I read it. Yes there is a major disconnect IMHO between how many people describe themselves and what they actually are.

 

However, in my little 'world' I can count on one hand the number of times I have discussed sexuality issues with a male partner over 40 odd years and that was never before 'doing it'. That he came home with me (or whatever) is for me all that matters. That he may see our having sex as an aberration in a moment of alcohol excess as part of his gay self denial or a natural outflow of his bi-sexual self with which he is comfortable or even just him being his normal gay self is of no consequence to me.

 

I really don't care whether he wants to stay in the closet or not.

 

Again, I do agree that in this still very homophobic world a lot of gay men would rather be 'outed' as bi-sexual rather than as gay and if that means they have to go through the motions of being totally heterosexual with marriage and kids and the whole nine yards then so be it.

[Pete Bruno]

Yes Pete, that's how I read it. Yes there is a major disconnect IMHO between how many people describe themselves and what they actually are.

 

However, in my little 'world' I can count on one hand the number of times I have discussed sexuality issues with a male partner over 40 odd years and that was never before 'doing it'. That he came home with me (or whatever) is for me all that matters. That he may see our having sex as an aberration in a moment of alcohol excess as part of his gay self denial or a natural outflow of his bi-sexual self with which he is comfortable or even just him being his normal gay self is of no consequence to me.

 

I really don't care whether he wants to stay in the closet or not.

 

Again, I do agree that in this still very homophobic world a lot of gay men would rather be 'outed' as bi-sexual rather than as gay and if that means they have to go through the motions of being totally heterosexual with marriage and kids and the whole nine yards then so be it.

 

Then you're very lucky my friend. My experience has been quite different; it seems that my father was either gay or bisexual (I'm going with gay since it was gay porn I found in his closet) and I'm sure he got married in 1946 because he had to hide who he was. It did not result in a good marriage; I think they both were miserable, and I think he resented me because I was able to explore my sexuality while he felt trapped in a unwanted marriage.

 

Then I met a man, in a gay bay no less, we went back to my place and well you know the rest. We began to see each other regularly, and imagine my surprise when I found out he was married and had four young children. By this time I was well on my way to being in love and was devastated; if he had told me from the beginning I would have never seen again. What made it worse was he continued to call me for two months, begging for me to see him. The answer was no, when your single give me a call; the sad part was not only was he very handsome (and porn star hung) but we had quite a bit in common, we both like sports, both playing and watching and he loved to get fucked; a marriage made in heaven, except that I was being used.

 

One of the biggest lessons as a gay man I have ever learned is that no matter you’re your straight buddies say; they are never really totally okay with you being gay. I’ve been lucky in some way’s, I’m six one, 220lbs, and look like your typical linebacker, and have spent a lot of time in the gym. When people find out I’m gay they always say, “But you don’t look/act gay.” To which I reply, “It’s funny, you don’t look/act straight.” It either gets a big laugh or they get pissed off, but I don’t care. So yes, they are still your friends; they still play ball with you or shoot a round of golf, and watch football and drink beer, their wives invite for dinner and the kid's call you uncle. But I guarantee that when you are showering together at the gym, many of them still feel a bit uncomfortable, I know this because there have been times when I’ve called a few of them out on it. It’s because, I think, they can never see you as just their buddy, they only picture the sex acts you perform; and I do believe they try not to, but it’s just how they are wired. In the same way I could never, ever, ever lick a women’s vagina, they could never, ever think of sucking cock.

 

So I guess what I’m trying to say, for me anyway, I’d be happy to play with a bi-sexual man as long as he tells me straight up that’s what he is, if after that he wishes to stay in the closet, fine. Also, I must admit that I may have a small problem with bi-sexual men because I am 100% gay, have always been and can’t change that reality; and while I live a very happy and productive life, it has not always been easy living with the prejudice, the slurs and condemnation that follows gay men and women around their entire life. Finally, I guess that I am just a tiny bit jealous, that a bi man can just ‘drop in for the weekend’ so to speak and have his fill of hot man to man sex and then go back and live his life in straight society and not be looked at like a freak. That said, I will admit that is the main reason for my skepticism of bi-sexual men is unfounded, even maybe unfair; but at least I’m honest, and most of all very human.

Edited October 31, 2011 by Pete Bruno

[Mark Arbour]

Then you're very lucky my friend. My experience has been quite different; it seems that my father was either gay or bisexual (I'm going with gay since it was gay porn I found in his closet) and I'm sure he got married in 1946 because he had to hide who he was. It did not result in a good marriage; I think they both were miserable, and I think he resented me because I was able to explore my sexuality while he felt trapped in a unwanted marriage.

 

Then I met a man, in a gay bay no less, we went back to my place and well you know the rest. We began to see each other regularly, and imagine my surprise when I found out he was married and had four young children. By this time I was well on my way to being in love and was devastated; if he had told me from the beginning I would have never seen again. What made it worse was he continued to call me for two months, begging for me to see him. The answer was no, when your single give me a call; the sad part was not only was he very handsome (and porn star hung) but we had quite a bit in common, we both like sports, both playing and watching and he loved to get fucked; a marriage made in heaven, except that I was being used.

 

One of the biggest lessons as a gay man I have ever learned is that no matter you’re your straight buddies say; they are never really totally okay with you being gay. I’ve been lucky in some way’s, I’m six one, 220lbs, and look like your typical linebacker, and have spent a lot of time in the gym. When people find out I’m gay they always say, “But you don’t look/act gay.” To which I reply, “It’s funny, you don’t look/act straight.” It either gets a big laugh or they get pissed off, but I don’t care. So yes, they are still your friends; they still play ball with you or shoot a round of golf, and watch football and drink beer, their wives invite for dinner and the kid's call you uncle. But I guarantee that when you are showering together at the gym, many of them still feel a bit uncomfortable, I know this because there have been times when I’ve called a few of them out on it. It’s because, I think, they can never see you as just their buddy, they only picture the sex acts you perform; and I do believe they try not to, but it’s just how they are wired. In the same way I could never, ever, ever lick a women’s vagina, they could never, ever think of sucking cock.

 

So I guess what I’m trying to say, for me anyway, I’d be happy to play with a bi-sexual man as long as he tells me straight up that’s what he is, if after that he wishes to stay in the closet, fine. Also, I must admit that I may have a small problem with bi-sexual men because I am 100% gay, have always been and can’t change that reality; and while I live a very happy and productive life, it has not always been easy living with the prejudice, the slurs and condemnation that follows gay men and women around their entire life. Finally, I guess that I am just a tiny bit jealous, that a bi man can just ‘drop in for the weekend’ so to speak and have his fill of hot man to man sex and then go back and live his life in straight society and not be looked at like a freak. That said, I will admit that is the main reason for my skepticism of bi-sexual men is unfounded, even maybe unfair; but at least I’m honest, and most of all very human.

 

Thanks for sharing that. A fascinating story!

 

Do you think that guys in the gym are looking at you nervously because they're thinking about the things you do with guys, or because they're worried that you're looking at them? I've known some guys who are pretty much exhibitionists and love to be looked at by damn near anyone, while others seem to see it as a form of sexual foreplay, so if another guy watches him "in that way" it's like they're committing a sex act.

[Russell Timm]

Then you're very lucky my friend. My experience has been quite different; it seems that my father was either gay or bisexual (I'm going with gay since it was gay porn I found in his closet) and I'm sure he got married in 1946 because he had to hide who he was. It did not result in a good marriage; I think they both were miserable, and I think he resented me because I was able to explore my sexuality while he felt trapped in a unwanted marriage.

Nothing on my parents other than they could not work out why I have never married.

 

Then I met a man, in a gay bay no less, we went back to my place and well you know the rest. We began to see each other regularly, and imagine my surprise when I found out he was married and had four young children. By this time I was well on my way to being in love and was devastated; if he had told me from the beginning I would have never seen again. What made it worse was he continued to call me for two months, begging for me to see him. The answer was no, when your single give me a call; the sad part was not only was he very handsome (and porn star hung) but we had quite a bit in common, we both like sports, both playing and watching and he loved to get fucked; a marriage made in heaven, except that I was being used.

Not as a criticism of you but from my bi perspective that would have been fine. Had a relationship with a guy over years with one gap of a year being the first one after he married. Again from my perspective it was a wonderful no complications relationship. The times we could be together were sometimes odd but we managed. He was married and I was seeing girls and guys and we found time for each other. He moved away and I pined for him. The bottom line with him and others is that I needed no monogamous relationship with them or anyone. Also I once was in a relationship with a woman who was seeing another woman. On the one occasion the three of us were together the 'other woman' tried to get a little (how should I say) funny with me. So we just resolved that the three of us would never get together again. I recounted this to a straight wife of a friend of mine some years later and she was astounded that I could tolerate such a situation. To me it was simple. I could not fulfill all her needs just as neither could the 'other woman'. But I guess in this case the three of us knew what was going down... but that has not always been the case.

 

One of the biggest lessons as a gay man I have ever learned is that no matter you’re your straight buddies say; they are never really totally okay with you being gay. I’ve been lucky in some way’s, I’m six one, 220lbs, and look like your typical linebacker, and have spent a lot of time in the gym. When people find out I’m gay they always say, “But you don’t look/act gay.” To which I reply, “It’s funny, you don’t look/act straight.” It either gets a big laugh or they get pissed off, but I don’t care. So yes, they are still your friends; they still play ball with you or shoot a round of golf, and watch football and drink beer, their wives invite for dinner and the kid's call you uncle. But I guarantee that when you are showering together at the gym, many of them still feel a bit uncomfortable, I know this because there have been times when I’ve called a few of them out on it. It’s because, I think, they can never see you as just their buddy, they only picture the sex acts you perform; and I do believe they try not to, but it’s just how they are wired. In the same way I could never, ever, ever lick a women’s vagina, they could never, ever think of sucking cock.

I think for them it is a little like showering with girls. Men traditionally have been the ones to ogle the girls. From the wolf-whistle from the building site to the passing female to the likes of Playboy and Penthouse. (Most) Men feel distinctly uncomfortable being naked in circumstances they are not in control. (Relying on my military background) that is why the first thing you do to a captured enemy is to strip him naked and blindfold him. This has a significant psychological effect on most men.

 

So I guess what I’m trying to say, for me anyway, I’d be happy to play with a bi-sexual man as long as he tells me straight up that’s what he is, if after that he wishes to stay in the closet, fine. Also, I must admit that I may have a small problem with bi-sexual men because I am 100% gay, have always been and can’t change that reality; and while I live a very happy and productive life, it has not always been easy living with the prejudice, the slurs and condemnation that follows gay men and women around their entire life. Finally, I guess that I am just a tiny bit jealous, that a bi man can just ‘drop in for the weekend’ so to speak and have his fill of hot man to man sex and then go back and live his life in straight society and not be looked at like a freak. That said, I will admit that is the main reason for my skepticism of bi-sexual men is unfounded, even maybe unfair; but at least I’m honest, and most of all very human.

 

When he gets into bed with me I know all I need to know about him. As stated somewhere above in this thread there seems to be a need by some gay men to take positions and make political statements (which is understandable from a persecuted minority) it is quite often counter productive. It is like this business of 'outing' men who have guys on the side. Why? The only possible reason for this would be IMHO a person who through his actions contributes to the ongoing persecution of gays while himself playing both sides... but to out a family man trying to raise a family who has the odd guy on the side is plain criminal and should be treated the same (again IMHO) as those bastards who out gay guys. For example an old school girlfriend of mine got a call from some little critter (after having had a relationship over years with her husband) that her husband was gay. They had fallen out. Her world fell apart what with the kids and all so she came running back to her first lover for a cuddle and reassurance... which I willingly provided

 

I say: 'ask no questions, hear no lies.'

[Pete Bruno]

Thanks for sharing that. A fascinating story!

 

Do you think that guys in the gym are looking at you nervously because they're thinking about the things you do with guys, or because they're worried that you're looking at them? I've known some guys who are pretty much exhibitionists and love to be looked at by damn near anyone, while others seem to see it as a form of sexual foreplay, so if another guy watches him "in that way" it's like they're committing a sex act.

 

Honestly, I have no clue and would never ask them. But I think deep down the problem is that these guys secretly have always wanted to try gay sex, but are afraid, mostly because one, they may like it and two, they can't get past the societies/religion attitude towards homosexual sex. Edited November 1, 2011 by Pete Bruno

[Cia]

Pete, I think a common thread in your comments is that 'bi' men are hiding who they are. Not all men who are bi don't want others to know they like men and women. It's not always a case of... oh, I got caught with a man, better just say I'm bi so then the guys still think I like women too and I'm only a little bent, not all the way. Sometimes... a man just likes men and women. Sometimes a woman just likes women and men. Those of us who identify as bi don't always hide it. I can't call myself a lesbian because I'm not one, I call myself a bisexual. That's what fits even if I don't 'act' on it.

 

I married a man, I have kids with him. I've been with him for a LONG time, 14 years to be exact. We've stood the test of time so far and I've never been tempted to cheat just because I miss being with a woman anymore than I miss being with a different man. That's just me, I have a strong sense of loyalty and for me, being with anyone else would be wrong and against the vows I took. A situation like Russel described, where it's an open relationship and both partners know the others are going extracurricular, that's their choice and what makes them happy. I don't have that relationship and I find I do just fine with it.

 

I'm also sort of in the closet. I have friends and some family who know that I am bi. Some even know I write mm stories, which tends to weird them out more, oddly enough. I had one sister call me a freak. *shrugs* I don't scream it from the roof tops that I like women because it would cause rifts with some people that I just don't want to lose in my life and right now, since I'm not in a relationship with a woman, it doesn't really hinge on my life. If I ever was, that'd be different. I'm not ashamed or feel the need to hide who I like, I just don't see the point of sharing it with everyone.

[Pete Bruno]

Pete, I think a common thread in your comments is that 'bi' men are hiding who they are.

 

Sorry, sometimes I have a problem articulating my position. Plainly stated, I do have a problem with men who are gay but pretend to be 'bi' in order to hide; and the reason is I do not have to the luxury of hiding behind the 'bi' tag. Over the years I have met quite a few truly bi-sexual men and have no problem with them, but you see, I know who I am, I am not ashamed of my sexuality although I do no shout it from the tree tops.

 

 

Not all men who are bi don't want others to know they like men and women. It's not always a case of... oh, I got caught with a man, better just say I'm bi so then the guys still think I like women too and I'm only a little bent, not all the way. Sometimes... a man just likes men and women. Sometimes a woman just likes women and men. Those of us who identify as bi don't always hide it. I can't call myself a lesbian because I'm not one, I call myself a bisexual. That's what fits even if I don't 'act' on it.

 

I married a man, I have kids with him. I've been with him for a LONG time, 14 years to be exact. We've stood the test of time so far and I've never been tempted to cheat just because I miss being with a woman anymore than I miss being with a different man. That's just me, I have a strong sense of loyalty and for me, being with anyone else would be wrong and against the vows I took. A situation like Russel described, where it's an open relationship and both partners know the others are going extracurricular, that's their choice and what makes them happy. I don't have that relationship and I find I do just fine with it.

 

I'm also sort of in the closet. I have friends and some family who know that I am bi. Some even know I write mm stories, which tends to weird them out more, oddly enough. I had one sister call me a freak. *shrugs* I don't scream it from the roof tops that I like women because it would cause rifts with some people that I just don't want to lose in my life and right now, since I'm not in a relationship with a woman, it doesn't really hinge on my life. If I ever was, that'd be different. I'm not ashamed or feel the need to hide who I like, I just don't see the point of sharing it with everyone.

 

And I agree, I never tell anyone I'm gay, if they ask I tell the truth but feel no obligation to share the information unless asked.

 

 

[SkittlePrincess]

I only started feeling attraction towards women as well as men a couple of years ago, but I tend to have very different 'criteria' (so to speak) for each gender. I prefer sporty women but more feminine men. I think I'm equally attracted to both, but could easily fall in love with a man and not crave a woman and vice versa. x

[Russell Timm]

... could easily fall in love with a man and not crave a woman and vice versa. x

 

At 20 you know this for sure?