Here some more
Grandpa
There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the table.
The children (naughty little rascals) sneak a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink.
After a while, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom.
When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over.
"What happened, Grandpa?" asked his concerned children.
"Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom to pee. So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back."
At The Music Store
A man enters a music store to purchase an old-school vinyl record. As he gets ready to check out, he realizes that he doesn't have his wallet. Instead of running back home to get it, he decides to steal the record by sticking it down his pants.
The cashier spots him on the way out and shouts, "Hey! Is that a record in your pants?"
The man replies, "Well, I don't know if it's a record, but I sure haven't heard any complaints."
Stay of Execution
An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for his client, Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door, his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak - pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath the phone rang. His wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"
What Do You Want Out Of Life?
A teacher asked the students in her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A young girl in the front row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four animals."
"Really?" asked the teacher. "What four animals would that be?"
"A mink on my back, a jaguar in my garage, a tiger in my bed and a jackass to pay for it all," the girl replied.
The Morning After
Sam wakes up at home with a huge hangover. Forcing himself to open his eyes, the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and notices his clothes in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, all spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Sweetheart, your breakfast is on the stove. I had to leave early to go shopping. Love you."
So, he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating.
"What happened last night, son?" Sam asks.
His son replies, "Well, you came home after 3:00 AM, very drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Sam asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
"Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady, leave me alone. I'm married'," his son replies.
Tasty Fries
There was once a sheep farmer who required assistance with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. Finally, he hired a French guy. Although he didn't speak much English, he was a very good worker.
After the first day, they had successfully castrated 16 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the "parts", when the sheep farmer yelled, "Wait! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious. We call them 'sheep fries'."
Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and, sure enough, the 'sheep fries' were tasty.
The following day, they castrated 18 sheep. That evening, they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'.
On the third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was. She replied, "It's the strangest thing. I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries.....that's when he ran like hell!"
The Name Says It All
A young Native American boy went to his mother with a puzzled look on his face.
"Mom, why is my big brother named Mighty Storm?" he asked.
"Because when he was conceived, there was a mighty storm," the mother explained.
"Why is my sister called Moon Child?" he asked.
"That's because your father and I were watching the moon landing when she was conceived," replied the mother.
"Then why is my other sister called Cornflower?" asked the young boy.
"Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when she was conceived," she replied.
The mother paused for a moment, then asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you asking so many questions today?"
Where's Mom and Dad?
A little boy came to the breakfast table and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" Grandma replied, "They're still in bed." The little boy snickered and started eating his breakfast.
At lunch the boy asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" Grandma replied, "They're still in bed." The boy snickered again and started eating his lunch.
At dinner the boy asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" Grandma replied, "They're still in bed." The boy laughed out loud boisterously then started to eat his dinner. The grandma then said to the boy, "You've laughed every time I've told you that your Mom and Dad were still in bed - what's going on here?"
The boy replied, "Last night dad came into my room and asked if he could borrow the tube of vaseline I keep in my dresser? I told him to go ahead and take it. This morning I looked in my dresser and the vaseline was still there - but my super glue was missing."
Detective Wong
Suspecting his wife of having an affair with another man, a husband hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Wong, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, the husband received this report:
Most Hon'ble Sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree - look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip she.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree.
No see.
No fee.
Using The Ladies Room
A man traveling by plane urgently needed to use the restroom, but each time he tried, it was occupied. Aware of his predicament, the flight attendant suggested he use the ladies room, but cautioned him against pressing any of the buttons.
In the ladies room, he noticed four buttons marked WW, WA, PP and ATR. Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, he let his curiousity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
Cautiously, he pressed the WW button. Suddenly, a gentle flow of warm water sprayed his entire bottom. "Wow," he thought, "these women really have it made." Still curious, he pressed the button marked WA. Warm air blew gently and quickly dried his behind. He thought this was terrific. He then pressed the PP button. A soft powder puff swung out and lightly dusted his bottom with talc.
Obviously, he just couldn't resist the last button marked ATR.
When he awoke in the hospital, he panicked and immediately buzzed for the nurse. As soon as she appeared, he cried out, "My God, what happened to me? The last thing I remember, I was using the ladies room on a plane."
"Yes, you were," the nurse replied, "and you were having a great time until you pressed the ATR button which, by the way, stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. You'll find your penis under your pillow!"
Babies Are His Specialty
The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."
"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.
"You have?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked a blushing Mrs. Jones.
"You just leave everything to me," he replied. "Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for George and me," stated Mrs. Jones.
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Jones.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Jones. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area," he proudly declared.
"Oh my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with," he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph.
"She was difficult?" Mrs. Jones asked.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers.
"Yes," said the photographer. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
"You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?" Mrs. Jones asked.
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod?" asked a very worried Mrs. Jones.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action."
"Madam, madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"
Try To Relax
A man was feeling very stressed out, so he decided to take a hot bath.
Just as he got comfortable in the tub, the doorbell rang. He got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door, only to find a salesman selling brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
As soon as he settled in, the doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and the robe, and he started for the door. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the tub.
Cursing under his breath, he struggled into his street clothes, called a taxi, and headed to his doctor's office.
After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you're very lucky. You could have suffered a serious injury but, fortunately, nothing is broken. What you really need to do is try to relax. Why don't you go home and take a nice, long, hot bath?"
Nursing Home Sleeping Aids
Peggy was visiting her father at the nursing home. "How is everything, Dad," she asks.
"Everything's fine," he replies. "I've been sleeping very well the past few weeks."
"That's good news, Dad. Have they been giving you something to help you sleep?" Peggy asks.
"Yes," he replies. "Every night the nurse gives me a glass of warm milk and Viagra."
"Viagra? Why are they giving you Viagra?" asks Peggy.
"I don't know," replies her father.
Peggy finds a nurse and asks to know more about their sleeping aids.
"We give him warm milk which helps him sleep," the nurse says.
"But why the Viagra?" Peggy asks.
"Oh, that just keeps him from rolling out of the bed," explains the nurse.
Looking For Crisco
An old guy was wandering around a supermarket calling out - "Crisco? Crisco? CRIS--CO!!"
Finally, a clerk approached him and said, "Sir, the Crisco in on aisle seven."
"Oh," the old guy said, "I'm not looking for Crisco. I'm calling my wife."
"Your wife's name is Crisco?" the puzzled clerk asked.
"Hell, no," the old guy said. "I only call her that when we come to the supermarket."
"Oh? Well, what do you call her when you're not in the supermarket?" asked the clerk.
"Lard Arse!" replied the old guy.
