Christmas Pageant Parts
Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their
Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who
had the most important role.
Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister,
"Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a
virgin than it is to be an angel!"
Rudolph's Operation
Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to
rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job.
Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a
long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because
he was so sensitive about his looks.
However, it wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed.
He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because
of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much
more prominent than the ears of the average reindeer, or bear, for
that matter.
So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the
reconstructive surgical procedure, and since that time, January
1st has been celebrated as... New Ears Day.
The Week After Christmas
It's the week after Christmas,
I'm crabby and I'm broke.
I'm so full of ham and fruitcake
I think I'm gonna croak!
It's nice to see the relatives -
I wonder when they'll leave.
They've been camping in my bathroom
Since early Christmas Eve.
They're eating everything in sight
And sleeping in my bed.
I'm sacked out in the basement
With a blanket o'er my head.
Now the relatives have all gone out
And left their screaming brats,
The toilet bowl is all plugged up
And I can't find the cat.
It's Christmastime at my house,
The family is all here.
They eat me out of house and home,
And drink up all my beer.
My mother-in-law is snoring
In my favorite TV chair.
Those kids are stringing lights on her
And tinseling her hair.
I oughta wake her up
Before the fireworks begin,
But I wanna see the sparks fly
When they plug her in.
Now the kids are in a free-for-all,
The girls against the boys,
They're fighting over boxes
'Cause they're bored with all their toys.
I love the Christmas spirit
And the sleigh bells in the snow
But I wish those pesky relatives
Would take their kids and go!
More Signs You're Sick Of The Holidays
* Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy
make photocopies.
* You're busted for running through town wearing nothing but
mistletoe. (Really?)
* Your standard response, "And happy holidays to you too," as you
flip them the bird...
* Even with your eyes closed you see flashing Christmas lights.
* You feel like punching the next twit that says, "Ho,ho,ho."
* You want to overturn in the Salvation Army pot.
* You replace all the batteries in the kid's new toys with dead
ones.
* You put a Santa Claus headstone on your lawn to scare the kids.
Dear Friend, A Letter From Santa
Dear Friend.....I have been watching you very closely to see if
you have been very good this year and since you have I will be
telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your
tree at Christmas.
I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas,
but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all
come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the
11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9
pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7
swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French
hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up
to my sled runners in bird sh*t.
On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my
reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and
some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas
for the 5th of January.
Maybe next year I will be able to get my act together and bring
you the things you want.
This year I suggest you get your butt down to Walmart before
everything is gone.
Sincerely, Santa Claus
Signs You Bought A Bad Christmas Tree
10. It's two feet tall, forty feet wide
9. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"
8. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers
stuck into it
7. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for
a joy ride
6. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it
5. It keeps heckling while you try to do a lame top ten list
4. It's very small and says "Air Freshener" on it
3. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours
2. Some guy named Akbar puts a cheap Statue of Liberty on top of it
and number one reason, you bought a bad christmas tree:
1. It's constantly bragging about its "trunk size"
Cat's Favorite Christmas Songs
1. Up on the Mousetop
2. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
3. Joy to the Curled
4. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
5. The First Meow
6. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
7. Silent Mice
8. Fluffy, the Snowman
9. Jingle Balls
10. Wreck the Halls
Christmas Quickies
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for
Christmas.
____________________________________________
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,
"What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the
defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this
shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
___________________________________________
T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care.
They'd been worn all week and needed the air.
Santa Claus Is Wearing A Gown
You better come out, you better not cry,
You better not pout, I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.
He's making the switch,
He's leaving his wife,
He's gonna come out, to start a new life
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.
A secret he's been keeping,
It's made him awful tense.
He knows it will be better now,
When he comes down off that fence.
So you better come out,
You better not cry, you better not pout,
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.
A Winter Wonderland - New Jersey Style
Driver's swear ..... are you listenin',
At the Mall .....folks are bitchin',
A miserable sight ..... they're sorry tonite,
Drivin' in New Jersey's TrafficLand!
Gone away ...... are your tires,
meter has ...... just expired,
They towed you away, while you shopped today,
Parkin' in New Jersey's TrafficLand!
On the Parkway we will have a breakdown,
We'll be stuck and threathened on the side,
If we're lucky, someone might come mug us,
And if we plead they may give us a ride!
Santa's sleigh ..... was impounded,
All the Elves ...... were surrounded,
He's now in a cell .... for ringin' his bell,
Living in New Jersey's TrafficLand!
Oh Little Bank Americard
(sung to the tune "Oh Little Town Of Bethlehem")
Oh, little Bank Americard
You bring me Christmas Cheer
Without your clout, I have no doubt
No gifts I'd give this year.
Your credit line allows me to run up bills quite large
And when I'm through exhausting you, I'll use my Master Charge.
(Same tune, sung in late February)
Oh, little Bank Americard, you bring me discontent
I calculate your interest rate is over twelve percent.
Each month, your cry for payments, my letter-box bombards;
I'm one more sap, caught in your trap. Next year I'll just send cards.
Holiday Party
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO Everyone
RE Christmas Party
DATE December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue.
No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional
carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up
dressed as Santa Claus!
_____________________________________________________________________
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE December 2
RE Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party".
___________________________________________________________________
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE December 7
RE Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim
holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight
hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this
time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps
Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party...the days
are so short this time of year...or else package everything for take-home in
little foil swans.
___________________________________________________________________
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE December 8
RE Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice... Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit
the burning of sage by our earth-based, Goddess-worshipping employees, but
we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's
breaks.
____________________________________________________________________
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date December 9
RE Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan", there is
no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit". It's a tradition,
folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving
turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
____________________________________________________________________
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE December 10
RE Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party
at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly
at the table farthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, and
you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know,
tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them...I've heard
them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now...!
____________________________________________________________________
FROM Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE December 14
RE Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her
stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the
sanatarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday
party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Chanue-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas!
Little Johhny's Letter To Santa
Little Johnny's mother was cleaning one weekend and found this letter that
he had sent to Santa the previous year, when they were living in California:
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well,
I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the
beginning of the month. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair
of roller blades and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the
whole year, not only was I the first in my class but I had the best grades in
the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you Santa, there were no kid in the
neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers,
my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the
elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for
humanity!
What balls you have leaving me a f*cking yo-yo, a lame a*s whistle and a pair
of socks! What the f*ck were you thinking, you fat a*s, that you'd
taken me for a sucker the whole f*cking year to come out with some sh*t like
this under the damn tree.
As if you hadn't f*cked me enough, you gave that little sh*thead across the
street so many f*cking toys, that he can't even walk into his damn house!
Please don't let me see you trying to fit your huge a*s down my chimney next
year! I'll throw rocks at those corny a*s reindeers of
yours and scare them the hell away, so you'll have to walk your big fat a*s
back to the north pole, just like I have to do since you didn't get me that
damn bike, you punk b*stard!! You know what Santa, F*ck You!! Next year
you'll find out how bad I can really f*cking be!
So watch your back next year, Beeyaaaaatch!!!!
Sincerely,
Johnny
Ding Dong
There was a lady who was in bed with her lover one day, when she
hears a noise and realizes that her husband is home early from
work. She has no idea what to do with her lover so she sticks him
in the closet and successfully covers up every part of his body
except his balls. Thinking quick, she paints his balls red with
some spray paint.
Her husband comes up to the bedroom and opens the closet doors to
get out some clothes and notices the red balls hanging
there. "What are these?" he asks.
"Oh, those are just some Christmas Bells I picked up on sale this
afternoon," she answers.
He toys with them for a second and realizes that they are not
making noise, so he pulls them apart and clangs them together, but
all he hears is "uuuggghhh".
He says, "Honey, these things aren't working right, let me try
again." So he pulls them farther apart and bangs them together.
Still the only noise made is "UUUGGGHHH".
He is beginning to get a little annoyed and he says, "I am gonna
try once more and if these things do not chime, I am gonna throw
them in the fireplace and burn them." So he stretches them as far
apart as he can and slams them together.
At that moment, the guy sticks his head out of the closet and
screams, "DING DONG, DING DONG, DING DONG!!!!
