movieguy47

Hello acfan and welcome to GA

Last i look it was # 133 on the Top Site List

Welcome GunRunner to GA he has a good site that listed in the GA link glad to have you aboard

Hi ya mark9 Welcome to GA and join in with us here and post

That's Not Your Name It was the first day of the school year and the teacher was asking her first grade students their names. "What is your name?" she asked a little boy in the first row. "Peter Break," the little boy gleefully answered. The teacher said, "Young man, I don't think that's your name. Now, what is your real name?" Again, the little boy responded, "Peter Break." Frustrated, the teacher went to the principal's office and asked, "Mr. Jones, do we have a Peter Break here?" The principal replied, "Heck, we don't even have time for a coffee break here!" Game Warden A farmer and his friend were leaning on a fence chatting. Suddenly, the local Game Warden showed up and insisted on checking the farmer's property and, in particular, a certain field. The farmer refused to allow him access to the field. The Warden insisted he had the right, saying, "I'm the Game Warden and I have a card! This card allows me to go in." Before the farmer could stop him, the Warden was off into the field. Soon, a horrifying scream pierced the air and the Warden, being chased by a massive bull, reappeared running for his life. "Help, help!" he cried. The farmer laughed and shouted back, "Show him your card! Show him your card!" Two Little Balls What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? . . . . . . . . . . . A man's complete attention! Showing Off His First Kilt In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is permitted to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!" So, the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case ye want anything else made of it." So, the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear. When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?" "Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed. "Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show her. "Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly. Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on, he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!" Pardon A flat-chested woman was delighted when her Fairy Godmother said her breasts would increase in size every time a man said 'Pardon' to her. She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven! She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior." The next day, the headline in the local newspaper read, "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!" Bubba's First Time Bubba pulled the car over to the side of the road and showed Billy-Bob where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Bubba recalled. "That sounds wonderful," said Billy-Bob. "Yes. It was great until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us." "Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?" "Baaaaaaa." The Pretzel Hold A few years ago at the World Amateur Wrestling Championship, there was a pairing of an experienced and undefeated Russian heavyweight wrestler going up against an inexperienced, upstart American heavyweight. The main reason for the Russian wrestler's success was a hideous hold he had developed called the 'pretzel hold'. He had pinned every wrestler he had faced using this hold. It was called the 'Pretzel hold' because when the hold was applied, his opponent's body would resemble the shape of a pretzel. Once applied, no wrestler had ever been able to escape the hold. When the match between the Russian and the American began, it was evident that the American had superior quickness, but the Russian was stronger and was just laying in wait for the American to make a mistake so he could apply the pretzel hold. Sure enough, that opportunity soon came to play and the Russian grabbed the American and applied the hold. The crowd groaned and the American wrestler's trainers had to look away in horror as they couldn't bear to watch their wrestler's certain demise. Unbelievably, once the Russian tried pinning the American and the referee had reached the count of two, the American escaped the hold and with what can only be described as superhuman strength, grabbed the Russian, made a hold reversal, and pinned the Russian. After the match, the media surrounded the American wrestler and one reporter asked him, "How did you do it? You've never faced this Russian wrestler before and he applied the pretzel hold on you. No one has ever escaped the hold and you escaped it with apparent ease." The American wrestler replied, "Well, I was in so much pain that I was trying to find the referee to submit the match, but when I was trying to find him all I could see was a pair of balls right in front of my face." "I sensed an opportunity and bit them as hard as I could." "They were mine." Safari Adventure Having just returned from an African safari, Steve went to see his friend, Bill, to tell him of his adventures. "There I was, out in the jungle," he said, "when I suddenly heard a noise in the bush behind me. I looked back and saw a huge lion, licking his chops and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit. The lion started gaining on me once more, and as he got closer, he slipped again. I happened to see a house not far away, so I ran towards it. I got close to the house with the lion almost on top of me when he slipped for a third time. With my very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion's face." "That's quite a story, Steve," Bill said. "I would have crapped in my pants." "Well, what do you think the lion kept slipping on?!?" Little Boy in Church One Sunday morning, a little boy goes to church with his mom. While sitting in the service, he looks up at his mom and says, "Mommy, I have to pee, Mommy, I have to pee!!" His mom replies, "Johnny, it's not polite to say pee in church. From now on, when you have to pee, say 'you have to whisper'." The following Sunday, the boy is sitting in church with his dad and the urge to go comes to him. He looks up at his dad and says, "Daddy, I have to whisper." "Alright, son," his father says, "right here in my ear!" Three little mouse spent the night in a bathroom, each one sleeping in it own place to rest the next morning the first mouse who slept in the tub jump up doing push up, boy i feel great this morning the second mouse coming up from the sink wiggle his tail and dance i slept good too, i feel wonderful the third mouse coming out of the toilet looking as if he died and went to hell what the hell happen to you ask the first mouse man everything was going great, then all the sudden it got very dark the wind started to blow, it begun to pour down raining. then a whirlpool started. and if somebody didn't throw that damn log in there i've would had drowned

Hello gemini And Welcome to the gang here

Duh Which One Is Which? A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black. How To Wash The Cat! 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water. 3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. Sincerely, The DOG The Cukoo Clock The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "promise!" Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh f**k,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more.... then farted." Cool Cat A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly. When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up. She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day." Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself". What is the definition of embarassment: When you run in into a wall with an erection and you break your nose first. There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. " She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family." Farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over. The cop asked the farmer, "Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?" The farmer replied, "No, I didn't know that." The cop asked the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis". The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis." So the farmer promised he would. Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again. The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis." The farmer replied, "I did and we had so much fun, I taking him to Kings Island now" FAMOUS LAST WORDS! "I'll get a world record for this." "The odds of that happening are a million to one!" "It's not flammable." "What does this button do?" "I'm making a citizen's arrest." "So, you're a cannibal." "It's probably just a rash." "Are you sure the power is off?" "He's probably just hibernating." "I saw them do this on TV." "Don't worry, it's not loaded." "These are the good kind of mushrooms." "Rat poison only kills rats." "It's strong enough for both of us." "Let it down slowly." "This doesn't taste right." "I can make it before the light changes." "I can do that with my eyes closed." "I've done this before." "Well, we've made it this far." "Hmm, that's odd." "Don't be so superstitious." "Watch this!!!" "A duck? Where?"

Welcome Bobby24 To GA Jump in and post with us

Welcome gstrdr15 To GA come in and enjoy the forum and posr with us

Welcome to the first new member of 2005 Rogue988 Glad to have you here and post with us too

Happy New Year Myr and hope you feel better soon

Happy New Year to you Mike and Rainbow and everyone else here at GA i've enjoy being here with all of you and look forward in the new year to staying here with you as well

Welcome dbeck to GA glad you are here

Hello Finding and welcome to GA

lol Well with this being the Hoilday weekend most of the other are busy, i hope they are busy having fun and getting good presents

Welcome Novelty To GA

Hi Cris L and welcome to GA

Same to you Dave have a good one

Good to have you and look forward to the story the longer you write the better you get, so don't worry about it just write as you feel and it will be fine

Welcome jessehotty To GA

Welcome to Ga StPaulKid and patrickth Make yourself at home and post with us

You Ask for it, no i don't spend all day looking for them-hehe- What to give an optimist & pessimist A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked. "Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin. Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!" Pray For Gifts Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..." His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!" Christmas Ticket Christmas morning a boy rides down the road on his brand new bike when a cop on a horse rides up beside him and says "Did Santa bring you that bike?" "yea" the boy replies. "Well maybe next year you can ask Santa to give you a helmet for that bike" and proceeds to write that boy up a 20 dollar ticket. As the boy rides away on his bike he turns around and says to the police man "Did Santa bring you that horse?" humoring the boy he says "sure" "Well maybe next year you can ask Santa to put the dick on the bottom of the horse a instead of on top!" What did the floor say to the christmas tree? A: I can see your balls!!!!!!!! Happily Addicted to the Web (to the tune of "Winter Wonderland") Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin', From my mouth, drool is glist'nin', I'm happy--although My boss let me go-- Happily addicted to the Web. All night long, I sit clicking, Unaware time is ticking, There's beard on my cheek, Same clothes for a week, Happily addicted to the Web. Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man! Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?" With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man; I just discovered letterman-dot-com!" I don't phone, don't send faxes, Don't go out, don't pay taxes, Who cares if someday They drag me away? I'm happily addicted to the Web! CHET -- THE CHRISTMAS PARROT One day a husband decided to go to a pet store and get his wife a bird for Christmas. He knew she loved animals, birds in particular, and decided this would be the perfect gift for her. He goes to the pet store and asks the manager if he has anything special in the way of birds. The manager tells him that in fact he does, it's a bird named Chet who sings. The guy is very interested and asks to see Chet. The manager brings him over to a beautiful bird and tells the husband that this is Chet. The husband asks what is so special about him and the manager tells him that Chet can sing, and that he'll show him. The manager then takes a cigarette lighter out of his pocket and lights it a few inches underneath Chet's right foot. Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way..." The husband says that it was great and asks, "Does Chet sing anything else?" So the manager then lights his lighter under Chet's left foot, and Chet begins to sing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..." The husband is very impressed, sure that his wife will absolutely love this bird, so he buys Chet. He brings the bird home and presents it to his wife as a Christmas gift. She is very happy and says the bird is beautiful. The husband tells her that the bird can sing, and he takes his lighter and lights it beneath Chet's right foot, and Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way..." The wife is thrilled and asks if he can do anything else. The husband then lights the lighter under Chet's left foot and Chet begins to sing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..." The wife is overwhelmed and asks, "What would happen if you put the lighter under both of his feet at the same time?" The husband says that he doesn't know, but they could try it. So the husband puts the lighter under both of the birds feet and the bird begins to sing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...." The Twelve Thank-you Notes of Christmas Dec 25 My dearest darling Edward, What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you. Your deeply loving Emily. Dec. 26 Beloved Edward, The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful! With undying love, as always, Emily. Dec. 27 My darling Edward, You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely. Your devoted Emily. Dec. 28 Dearest Edward, What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am. Love from Emily. Dec. 29 Dearest Edward, The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings. Bless you, Emily. Dec. 30 Dear Edward, Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we? Love, Emily. Dec. 31 Edward, I am quite sure I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no fewer than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop! Your Emily. Jan 1 Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing. Emily. Jan. 2 See here, Edward, This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless hussies cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (though less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once! Emily. Jan 3 As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again. Emily. Jan 4 This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance to a home for the bewildered. I hope you're satisfied. Jan. 5 Sir, Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the London Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock. I am, Sir, yours faithfully, G. Creep Attorney at law. An older woman was cruising around a busy parking lot just before Christmas. She was driving in her new Mercedes-Benz looking in vain for a parking space. Finally, the woman saw someone, who was loaded with packages, heading for a car. She patiently followed him, put on her blinker and waited patiently until he pulled out. Just as he pulled out a young man in a sleek black Porsche zipped in to the space ahead of her. She was dumbfounded and outraged. Then the women jumped out of her car shouting, "How could you do that? Didn't you see me waiting there with my signal on?" He replied, "That's what happens when you're young and fast." As the young man was about to enter the store he heard the hideous crunch of metal striking metal. He ran back, horrified, to see that the woman had gunned her Mercedes and smashed it right into his beautiful black Porsche. He ran back and cried, "How could you do that?" She smiled and said, "That's what happens when you're old and rich!" Star Wars Christmas Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father and son chats... light sabers drawn and sparks flying. Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, "I know what you're getting for Christmas, Luke," he said, "Ohhh, yes! I know!" Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platform just out of Vader's reach, "How do you know!?" Luke yelled at him, "How do you know what I'm getting for Christmas!?" Darth Vader shot Luke an icy glare, "The force is with me... I felt your presents." Fictitious Characters Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist! Christmas Cookie Dough Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs. ''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.'' "Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it.'' "Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came. ''Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!''

Want More Ken c/o Mattel, Inc. El Segundo, CA 90245 Santa Claus North Pole, North Pole December 23, 1998 Dear Santa: I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires. First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before. In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night. Sincerely, Ken 7 Ways To Annoy At Christmas 1. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..." 2. Hang a stocking with your roommate's name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. 3. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games. 4. Sing "All I want for Christmas is your two front teeth..." 5. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first. 6. Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally. 7. Take some miniature marshmallows and put them in a little baggie. Attach a note to the bag that has a picture of a snow man and this poem: 'You have been naughty, and here's the scoop All you get is the snowman's poop!' The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen (to the tune of "God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen") The Restroom Door Said "Gentlemen", so I just stepped inside I took two steps and realized I'd been taken for a ride I heard high voices, turned, and found the place was occupied by two old nuns, three old ladies, and a nurse -- what could be worse? Two old nuns, three old ladies, and a nurse! The Restroom Door Said "Gentlemen", it must've been a gag 'cause when I walked right in there, I ran into some old hag She sprayed me with a can of mace and slapped me with her bag I could tell this just wouldn't be my day, what can I say? This just wasn't turning out to be my day! The Restroom Door Said "Gentlemen", and I would like to find that crummy little creep who had the nerve to switch the signs 'cause I've got two black eyes and one high heel up my behind Now I'll never sit with comfort and joy -- boy o boy! No, I'll never sit with comfort and joy! Christmas Songs for Dogs 1. Grandma Got Run Over by a Rottweiler 2. We Three Canines 3. Oh, Holy Fire Hydrant 4. Duke, the Red Nosed Doberman 5. Sniffing Around the Christmas Tree 6. Jingle Bones 7. Wreck the Halls! 8. I Saw Mommy Licking Santa Claus 9. Away in a Dog House 10. All I Want For Xmas is My Own Chew Toy Smart Kid! Timmy, age 4 went to see Santa for the first time, and he asked Santa for lots of toys. The next day, his mother and Timmy had to go out and do some more shopping. They saw Santa again and Timmy sat on Santas lap a second time. When Santa asked Timmy what he wanted for Christmas, he said in a questioning voice "But I told you what I wanted yesterday!?" Santa quickly covered himself by quickly saying that he thought Timmy might have thought of something else to add to his list. When they went out again a few days later, Timmy asked his mother if Santa was going to be there. She promptly told him he would. Timmy thought a bit then said "I thought of something else to add to my list then." "What is that?" asked Mom. "Why an elf, of course." replied Timmy. "An elf? Whatever do you want an elf for?" queried Mom. "Why ask for toys when I can ask for elves," replied Timmy, "and have them build me all the toys I'll ever need?" Department Store Santa As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a full month of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in the spirits of children as they visit toy stores and toy departments all over the country. It was with particular urgency that little Little Johnny dragged his mother to the toy department in a big department store. Mother quickly steered Little Johnny into the line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Little Johnny was far more interested in the hobby horse. As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Little Johnny vanished from the Santa Queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse. His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Little Johnny ignored her. She began to beg; Little Johnny paid no attention. She began to make promises of sugarplums, etc., if only Little Johnny would get off the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her. Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Little Johnny's mother, "Perhaps I can persuade your son to cooperate." "I doubt that," said the mother, "but you're welcome to try." Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Little Johnny's ear. Little Johnny's eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his mother's hand. Together, with no fuss, they left the store. As they drove home, Mama asked Little Johnny what Santa had whispered to him. Little Johnny was silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and German Chocolate cake) if Little Johnny would only tell Mama what Santa's words were. Little Johnny turned pale and wouldn't utter a word. What had Santa said? Little Johnny's mother was determined to find out. She had never been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great deal of effort on her part to discover what magic Santa Claus had used on Little Johnny. She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Little Johnny's stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say? Little Johnny now answered "He said, 'Listen, you little son of a B*itch, if you don't climb your a*s the hell down off that horse right this second, I'm going to kick the living sh*t out of you!' " A Few More Christmas Groaners Jimmy was a very smart boy, and he enjoyed church very much, but when the choir began singing "Gladly the Cross I'd Bear," he didn't concentrate on singing the song as he should have; instead, he wondered why Gladly didn't go to an ophthalmologist and why they were singing a song in church about a woodland animal with an eye problem anyway. (By Timothy House) "Mike, I've got a strange tale. Heard it from a Klingon last night, and I thought the folks might appreciate it." "It has to do with those two famous characters, Anakin and Luke Skywalker. The tale concerns that time when Anakin was going by the name of Vader, specifically the light saber battle they fought in the cloud city. The depiction of that fight in the Lucas film was fairly accurate, but it left out a few details." "It seems that, during the course of the fracas, more words were exchanged while the two of them were temporarily clenched with their weapons locked against each other, and apparently the director must have felt that some editing would make the dialogue a bit snappier, so some of them were snipped out." "So here's the rest of what they said to each other." 'Luke, there is something that you do not know.' 'What's that?' 'Luke, I know, beyond doubt, what you are getting for Christmas.' 'You're wrong. You can't know that.' 'Nevertheless, it is so.' 'I don't believe you! This isn't possible!' 'Trust me, Luke, I do know what you are getting for Christmas. I know it with the same degree of certainly as I know of the inevitability of the failure of your pitiful rebellion.' 'You can't know that. The rebellion will succeed!' 'I know a great many things, Luke. Join with me, let me show you the true power of the Dark Side of the force, and together we can destroy the emperor!' 'Is that why you think you know what I'm going to get for Christmas? You think your mastery of the Dark Side can show you the future?' 'The Dark Side shows me many things, Luke, but I did not need it for this.' 'Then how do you know what I'm getting?' 'It's very simple, Luke. ... I have felt your presents.' Newly assigned officers to a Naval Air Station are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a Lieut. Commander, kind-of became an Uncle to the family's only 4 year old daughter. One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. She said she had learned all about ... the ten commanders, and that they were always broke. This same little girl, was told to draw her conception of the Hebrews flight into Egypt. She came home with a picture of an airplane, the passengers all with halos and one person up front without one. When asked about it, she explained, ... "Oh, that's Pontius, the pilot." The Lord's Prayer has always been easy for kids to misinterpret, either through poor enunciators or from mumbling congregations. One little boy, always a classic joke, said, ... "Harold be Thy name." Two other lesser known prayers though are a little girl saying ... "Give us this day our jelly bread." Or the little New York boy who petitioned God to ... "Lead us not into Penn Station." After hearing the Christmas story, and singing "Silent Night" a Sunday School Class in Sao Paulo was asked to draw what they thought the Nativity Scene might have looked like. One boy did a good likeness of Joseph, Mary and the infant, but off to the side was a roly-poly figure. The teacher, afraid that he had somehow worked Santa Claus into the scene asked him who that was. She wasn't sure whether she was relieved or even more worried when the boy responded, ... "Oh, that's Round John Virgin." A few years ago my husband and I were invited to a very small dinner party in honor of Christmas. The hostess was one of those "Martha Stewart" types and had squares of cheese with a toothpick topping looking like little trees. "Sam," she says, "why aren't you eating any cheese?" Knowing my husband couldn't find an elephant in the tub, I explained, ... "He can't see the cheese for the forest". Morris Crisp was very sad when his father passed away. When his mother remarried to a retired Navy captain named Arthur Ness, and made Morrie take the name of his step-father. Morrie felt she was betraying the memory of his father. After he grew up, and his mother died, Morrie had Arthur committed to a nursing home and bilked him of his life savings. When he was caught, the newspapers read , ... "Morrie Crisp-Ness fleeces Navy Dad!" You should always test the goose's skin for doneness before "giving your guests the bird" at dinnertime, because a soggy-skinned goose is not only unappealing to eat but violates the spirit of Merry Crispness. A wealthy yacht owner decided to give his crew a Christmas party in port. He went ashore to round up evergreens, food, musicians and gifts. When he returned, he found all the greens being installed, but on the wrong ship. "Ahoy," he shouted, running down the dock, ... "you're treeing up the wrong barque." A penguin was driving through Arizona on a hot, summer Sunday when he noticed his oil light was on. He got out of the car and, sure enough, it was leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drove around the corner to a service station and asked the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic said he had a few others to look at first but if he came back in an hour, he could tell the penguin what was wrong with the car. The penguin agreed and went for a walk. He found an ice cream shop and thought a big bowl of ice cream would really hit the spot, since he was a penguin and it was Arizona in the summer after all. He sat down at the counter and started in on the ice cream. Of course, he had no hands so it was rather messy. By the time he was done, he had ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth was a total mess. He walked back to the service station and said to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?" The mechanic replied, "It looks like you've blown a seal." "No, no", said the penguin, "It's just ice cream." Why the angel is on top of the tree Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems every where... four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule....then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit... This stressed Santa even more...when he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where...more stress. And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys...so, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey...but he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink...and in his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor... he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door ..he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel said: Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas tree?? And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree

Hello To Xiamise and welcome to GA

Here a cute one http://web.icq.com/shockwave/0,,4845,00.swf