Mal

Well, seeing as how my son is about six months old, I have no idea. And yeah friends is definitely batter. I'm working on myself for a while, then looking for a man, though it is wierd to be single after five years. Wierd, and lonely.

Well, here is an update. We have decided to split. She is taking the decision really well, and is even dating. She was going to move to school with me this semester, but now she is going to move down next fall instead. A whole semester to myself to meet new people and explore will be great, but I will miss my kid alot. However, it is less time than most troops spend away from their families, so I can do it. We're on decent terms, and it looks like we will be friends. I am much a happier at this point than I have been for quite some time. Just to let anyone know who has posted, and thank you all for the words.

My scary creepy movie is It, and the puppet movies. particularly a scene where the drill puppet drills through a guys eye. Creepy as hell. Though there is something to be said for killer clowns being the most creepy thing ever, because they infect the normal clowns with creepy.

I second the hate of Kurt. I kinda think he can be cute, when he is silent, and dressed normal. The second he opens his mouth, I want to hit him for being so gay. Jk. But he really is irritating. But Glee is teh shiznit. I love to sing and am glad this show is bringing singing back to being cool.

Good advice as always Graeme. But yeah, she is moving accross town(not as bad as it sounds, still only five minutes away, tiny ass town. Explains why it is so hard to find anyone else who is gay) and taking time apart. The kid stays with me for the most part so we are focused on him first. In everything I decide he is first and foremost on mymind. There is no decision where I leave my child, that is not a physical possibility. I used that scale too, and it was 80/20. Good job sir! And thank you Tiger. You two have been a pretty good help.

Trust me, the future of my child weighs constantly on my heart. I know he is the main responsibility. That is part of my problem. I will never leave my child. However, I am headed to college five hours away, and my wife/child is supposed to come with me. She says even if I choose to be gay she will move down there. But I am scared she won't. I believe she will, but fear is sometimes irrational. And by choose to be gay, I mean choose to leave her for men. I know I would not choose to feel this way if i could. I would give anything to change it, and honestly hate myself right now. Just myself though. Still love teh gays. Thank you comic fan for your reply. And I know nobody can tell me I am gay but me. Or bi. I asked everyone to make judgement because I am curious, and it would help a little more if you guys still answered what you guys think. I'm not making any decisions based on what somebody on the internet said, so don't feel like you are influencing me towards anything. I just want to know what the gay community here thinks on that. So please do tell what you all think I am. Thank you all once again.

Thank you everyone for your words. If it goes to divorce, we both know it won't be bad, or drawn out. We will still be friends, as we have a great friendship connection. She is my best friend. I do love her, Neph, but you can't discount the physical part either. Sex is a major part of a relationship, and it's not fair for me not to be all in with her in that respect. She deserves much better than I can give her if that is the case. I fear I am building the gay sex part up in my mind. I know that that is definitely possible. However, I feel like it will be a coming home of sorts when it does happen. I just don't know. I am a decently large guy, 6ft 280lbs. i have self confidence issues so I won't be exploring until I am comfortable in my body, and that won't be for a few months. We are both moving to college together regardless of what happens, but she wants me to know when we get there. When we get there is when I am going to start figuring it out. It also doesnt help that I hate casual sex. Or at least am to insecure. I prefer a relationship or feelings to be there. Makes me sounds like a woman(or a gay man), but there you go. To those crying divorce, I understand and it might go that way, but it is hard with how much pain I am putting her through. Seems like no right decision. But anyways, thank you all for your words.

I don't want to divorce because of the kid, however I know growing up in an unhappy household is bad too.

I'm just gonna go for broke here. I am going to describe absolutley everything, all the contradicting evidence to see what you guys think. I am 21, married, and a father. We were mostly happy before my sexuality became an issue. I first came out to her as bisexual. She was kind of shocked but accepted. I was still confused at this time, and was talkig to a friend whom I recently heard was gay. She read my message and discovered that I was leaning more towards male and possibly gay. I don't know, and still don't right now. After much assurance from me, we got back together righ after that, and I told her that my feelings wouldn't be a problem any more. However, the almost immediately resurfaced. I have been ignoring and denying my feelings for men for years, and now that I acknowledged them, it seems like a floodgate has been opened. I keep going back and forth about my sexuality, and I feel so bad for hurting her. She recently found a craigslist ad I posted in MM. I didn't plan on cheating, but I was entertainig the idea(crap I know. I feel terrible). She found it, and has now moved out and is splitting up with me until we move to another town for school in four months. She said that I need to figure myself out before she could be with me because she doesn't deserve to have to wait and wonder if I will choose her. I love her. She is my best friend. The mother of my child. I do find her sexy.(Ithink) But here are my problems. All of them dealing with sexuality. Whenever I hear a song about romance, I imagine to men. 9/10 times anyway. I hate most women, because they act like a stereotypical woman. Don't hate, that's just how I feel. Their general womanness irritates me. Dont take this the wrong way ladies, as I know not all of you are like this, and don't hate you.I would much rather hang around guys. Whenever I read romance fiction, I read gay fiction because straight fiction bores me. I watch straight and gay porn, however gay is what I've been watching more often than not. I feel better at the end with gay porn, more fulfilled and excited. If you get my drift. I feel as though kissing my wife is boring, and that I don't really want to kiss girls and feel like i want to kiss guys instead. Sex is the same. I like it, but imagining and fantasizing about gay sex is way more of a turnon. These have been urges I've always felt, but have gotten stronger over time. I once had a gay guy hit on me in highschool, and the thought of that excited me more than anything with women. I'm a bottom i feel, and when I am with my wife, I end up wanting to do that with her too. I like being the man during sex, don't get me wrong, but I would rather have gay sex I feel. I am friend with a guy who, even though it was when we were stoned, I wanted to kiss more than anything. I still like him when I'm sober though too. The feeling just wasnt as strong. I can have sex just fine with my wife, but I don't feel happy, or at least as happy as I imagine one should. I always want a guy. Maybe not immediately or during, but the thought almost always crosses my mind after. The thought of being with a man is the hottest thing too. I want ot be hugged from behind by a pair of strong arms, not always doing the hugging or being the dominant one. However, these thoughts are things I've pushed away for a long time. The case for me being gay is pretty strong, but here goes the contradictions. I don't think of men all the time, and I do like some women I see in the streets. I feel as though I could not be with a man relationship wise. Though I don't know if thats because I have never seen a gay relationship in real life, and my imagination sucks when it comes to how i would act in a gay relationship. I can't see it, but I've never done it either.I feel like i want to try it out, but I don't know how it would work. I sometimes have no desire to look at gay porn, even though i look at it the majority now. I rever to straight then. But one thing is for sure, lesbians dont really turn me on at all anymore. I always second guess or doubt my gay feelings, as I've had feelings for women, but it kind of felt like what I had to do. I do end up liking women, and do love my wife. I get crushes and can have sex just fine, I just feel like it gets boring and keep going back to guys in my mind. I cant imagine being with a guy in public, but that might just be my fear of being hated and discriminated against. I'm definitely scared about being that open and vulnerable to another man. I still feel attraction to women, but I'm not sure if its mostly because of their personalities. The women that everyone says are so hot are ugly as hell if they are bitches. Also, most women that the general populace find attractive I hate. Megan Fox. Kierra Knightly. Jessica Alba. Jessica Biel. All bore me and I think look generic. I like the unique beauty of women. The only few women i find attractive in hollywood are Natalie Portman, Sometimes Angelina Jolie, and Jennifer Aniston. I still get turned on by my wife and find her attractive. I still feel lacking though. I could use another's perspective, and thank you all in advace for your replies. I understand you can't define gay bi straight narrowly and whatnot. But give me a percentage of where you think I might lie. Point out some inconvenient truths if you will. I need to get to the bottom of this. I hate hurting my wife, but at the same time I need to be happy. I don't know if I will be happy with her or with men.I am so confused and could use some words. Thanks again. Mal

Astronaut for sure. I've always been amazed when I look up at the night sky. So many stars, such a vast space. It really put the earth and humanity in perspective for me at an early age. I love anything to do with space, and I believe humanities future lies there. Now the only way to really get on a shuttle is to be an engineer, and that sounds boring as hell. I am going into physics to become an astrophysicist. So unless I invent the gravity-manipulation drive, I doubt I'll be in space any time soon. But being an astrophysicist is the next best thing. Of course, most of my childhood was spent wishing I could fly.

Your back in the day is my day. Though it is for medical reasons. Doesn't mean I don't enjoy it though. Then I relax like none have ever relaxed before. Recline in my chair and play some games.Then I do that all night unless the wife bothers me for something, as its her turn to watch the kid.

I agree that there is too much suffering. But the joy of my son has no comparison. It is difficult, and I do wish I had more me time, but at the same time it is totally worth it. I want to change the world and make it less cruel and less suffering. To bring a child into the world, and instill in him values that might one day compell him to do good in the world, is fantastic. Each to their own though.

I know what you go through. Suicide, sometimes seem like the easiest, greatest thing ever. You just drift to sleep, the protective arms of nothingness to hold you. Never a care in the world anymore. That being said, suicide is for Pu****s with a capital p. I'm in a situation right now that sometimes make it seem like a viable option. But here is the thing.You are a human being. You are perfect. Never mind your faults, never mind what other people say, you are amazing. You are the perfectly arranged cells, molecules, and atoms that make up a unique human being. There are no other you's and there never will be. Stand up, take a look at yourself, and declare that you are worth happiness, worth somebodies love, and that you are an amazing human. You can endure, you can overcome and you can triumph. Never give up and always remember that you are amazing, and worth the world. Also, GTFO of that situation. That really helps. I wish you luck and happiness in your future.

Nope, no abuse here. There were a couple of odd incidences, but none of them resulted in touching. I just never gave it thought. Been reading gay fiction since I discovered they had gay romance for DBZ when I was twelve. In different situations I have had the gay feelings going back to 7ish maybe before. I liked girls, and I pursued them like I felt I should. But there was a gay kid in highschool that liked me, as my gf of the time told me. The idea of that happening was more exciting than any girl I could think of. Girls bore me. It kind of felt like what I was supposed to do. That and coupled with my childhood and low self image, I ended up liking anyone who was nice to me and decent looking. But i never gave it much thought, because I focused on surviving highschool and home rather than myself. Then I met my wife at 16. We immediately talked all night the first night we met. We were so compatible. However, when the time came for marriage, I didn't really want to get married but ended up saying "I don't mind, we can get married because you want to and I love you. I don't mind if I didn't want to marry you I wouldn't." Same goes for having a kid. I was actually done trying and ready to pack up and head to Cali with nothing to start over with her when she wound up preggers. While the kid is the main thing keeping me in this situation, I still wouldn't trade it for the world. I sometimes wish I didn't have him, but when i go for a day without seeing him, i go batshit just a little. I know, especially after my therapist asked me, what I saw for myself if i could do it all over. I would not be married, I would be in college pursuing a science degree, and I would be gay as hell. So i figured the background info would help as a couple of you wondered about how i didn't really know. Thanks everyone. The support is great, and it feels like a weight lifted.

The reason I opened with that is because I first thought I was bisexual, then after a while and the feelings didnt go away and got stronger, I faced the fact that I was "gay". I came out to my wife and family, and we made the decision to try an open marriage. That failed, and I decided not to because it would hurt her too much. That and she wanted to sleep with other men. i know that makes me a hypocrite, but I said no way in hell. Then I rationalized my way back to bisexual, with no need to be with a man. Since then, and through many reassurances, nohthing has changed. The feelings keep coming back, forcing their way into my mind. It's not a need, but it feels like a massive compulsion, a temptation that won't leave. I see myself with a guy, and at least in my mind, I feel happy to be that way, and to focus on me. Something I have never done before, as my existence as been about trying to survive for the longest time. Thats what the therapist says. Also, I hear alot of poeple say if I were married the vows would be the most important. I am an atheist, and I believe in one life. One short, insignificant life. Why spend years in pain, or denial, over a promise made to a court. Essentially when you take religion out of it, that is all it is. Not to mention marriages weren't religous for the longest time. My first responsibility above all is too my son. parents can split and the child can still live a happy life. But as some poster said above, the kid will be affected by the unhappiness. That, and not being married or in that situation, you can't really give advice. Not to be rude or anything, and sorry if it comes accross that way. Ashi, for the most part you hit it right on the head. Trust me though, I have thought through how much I will be hurting other people. It is what is on my mind constantly. It is what prevents me from doing what I want. She already told me she would move with me for college, ten years, so i wouldn't have to miss my son. We would even be friends. But fear paralyzes me. Also, you can't really just forget about your sexuality. It can make you miserable. Why do you think so many republicans and anti-gays are gay? But i am looking for some support. I thank you all for taking the time to converse with a stranger about this. I appreciate it.

The only thing that killed my religion was using my brain. I looked at the world and saw that no god could possibly create this. At least not any god I would bother worshipping. I could go more in depth, but this thread isn't about religion. As for your second question, no, I was not.How did you come to that conclusion? Just curious.

Most of what has been said has been done. We are communicating. I've told her all these things. We both talk to a counselor, and she specializes in gay issues, so it is the right kind of counseling. Not really marriage counseling, because we talk to her at seperate times(thereapist is in Holland), but she gives us both issues to talk about and steps to take together. Also, I already came out. Everybody knows and there aren't really any issues in that area. As to happiness, I am happy but I'm not happy. I've had a pretty shitty childhood, and unresolved issues throughout my teen years coupled with an emotionally abusive house at my mothers. I don't think I've ever really been happy, and this is an issue my counsellor and I are working on. The only issue is I have no comparison for what a happy life should be like. I can't imagine walking around with positive thoughts and not having a negative outlook on life in general. So it's hard to think things completely through without the whole picture available. Our dependency on eachother is part of why we got married, because we both came from effed up homes, and were looking to eachother to heal ourselves and fill a void, when that expectation is unrealistic. Now we don't know if we want to stay together because of our fear of being alone. We know we want to stay together for our child, but I also know that the unhappiness affects the child. Thank you all for your feedback, and Chase, I think you are right for the most part. I should do what makes me happy If we didn't have a kid, we more than likely would have split. Also, the c'thulu reference made me lol. Once again, thank you everyone for commenting.

I don't know these days. I am more irritated with her than not these days. I am a person who loves learning and knowledge, and she loves star magazine and keeping up with the kardashians. I feel like I love her. She is cute, does the cutest things that make me laugh, and she loves me. We just don't really like eachother lately. I feel she doesnt share any of my passions, and she is content to achieve a nice house and nice things, while I hate materialism and buying nice things for its own sake. I don't want to leave her though. I already hurt her, and it tears me up. I care for her and want her to be happy. But the fighting, the doubt and insecurity about my sexuality(which apparently is warranted, but it makes it harder/hurt more when she doesnt trust me with these issues), are taking its toll. I want to be with someone who can keep an intelligent conversation, thinks of things bigger than themselves, and has at least some of the same interests as me. I feel like I need more in the relationship, but I don't want to leave either. We have agreed to move to college together, and assuming I get my phd there too, thats ten years of seeing my son without interruption. At the same time, I want to learn piano, I want to get in shape and further myself. I want to explore the world and myself. And i feel trapped, not able to really do these things. So I feel like its all one big clusterf*** with no right answer, and pain no matter what happens. I feel like I might be happier in the long run if we split, but i also fear that being the wrong decision, and causing more harm than good. So there is that lost factor for you.

Thank you all for your input. First off, she knows about me, and we are working to be together. I talk to a therapist and whatnot. Plus, she wants me to figure it out so she doesnt have to worry anymore. I understand you have to look at it differently with a child in the picture, but at the same time I need to be happy too. I'm just torn between what will make me happy. I think it's okay for a while, but the same issues creep up again. I agree that 18 is too young to marry(when I did). And yesjames, i was in denial. I suppressed a lot of things for quite a while. And no I didn't go hyper masculine, and I didn't hate gays or anything, and have been an atheist since 17. I agree that I need to be a standup guy. There will be no running around on my wife. If that bridge is crossed, that is one we will do together. I also understand there are no perfectly defined versions of sexuality. I just feel like there is no right choice. The feedback is nice. Feels good to discuss it. Thank you everyone.

So here we go. New here, and need a place to get a few things off my chest. I am married, 21, bisexual as far as I know(never experience gay) and a father. I think I am more attracted to men.I like women, and they arouse me too, but when i imagine it being a guy, it seems so more intense, and it stirrs more emotion from me. I findmore women on the street attractive than men, but my feelings are stronger for men usually. I don't know how to figure that out. I don't know if I could be in a relationship with a guy. i like the idea, but have a hard time envisioning it. I like the male organs better than the female ones by far too. i am all sorts of confused. Some input would be nice. Nice to meet you all by the way.