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Luc

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Blog Entries posted by Luc

  1. Luc

    Crawling out of my cave

    By Luc,

    I guess I’m tired of hiding from the world. It was bound to happen eventually. The silence in my head was hurting my ears. It is somewhat good to hear a voice again, though I’m not quite certain just yet what voice it is. Might be mine.
     
    I realize just how out of touch I am with everyone and everything. I don’t even know if my ‘friends’ are out there anymore. I know some very important ones are not. Wish I could fix that. But you know what they say, “If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.” But I’m going to make a sincere attempt to rejoin the living. This is the only place I can think to do that.
     
    So… am now in Georgia instead of New York. Yeah, when I run away, I run FAR away. Georgia I about as far from NY as you can get—geographically and ideologically. it is warmer here. NY was cold. Ok, I slightly miss the snow, especially at Christmas. But it is a small price to pay for not freezing my ass off. My cats prefer it also. Only have 3 now: Meep (my pic), Baby Kitty Beast (long hair black boy) and KK (short for Kitty Kitty—a big fat grey sort-of tiger girl). KK recently moved in. She has no tail and I could not say no to her.
     
    My son has graduated from school and has been accepted at SUNY. He will be studying physics. God help the world.
     
    I haven’t written anything creatively. Maybe that is gone. Not sure, but will make an attempt to begin again. I do like to hear my own voice-hence this blog. So maybe I will be able to write again. Hope so, I miss it.
  5. Luc

    so...

    By Luc,

    Not brilliant words, but the first I have written in ages. I am hoping they have made enough of a crack in the wall for me to get through. Maybe it has, because I just finished sending a long email to someone I haven't really "talked" to in a while.
     
    I've been avoiding most everyone for a while. Mostly because I have been withdrawn inside myself. I'm trying to get out of there because "inside myself" is a really anoying place to be. You all are much more interesting that I am and I would rather spend time talking to you than rooting around in the dark, moldy soil in my head.
     
    You know, I miss the chat room. I've never been great at talking one-to-one but really enjoy talking with people--as long as there is a background I can fade into if needed. Otherwise I tend to end up having long silences that tend to make people think I find them boring or that my attention is elsewhere. What it really is, though, is that I get amazingly insecure and freeze up.
     
    But anyway... I am really hoping to do some writing tonight. I managed that little bit last night, so I am hopeful.
  6. Luc

    Priorities

    By Luc,

    So every once in a while priorities need to be adjusted, which is why I haven't been 'around' much lately.
     
    Sam has always been a good student. He still is. But it seems that he has had some difficulty with his math class from the beginning of the year. Now, I knew he didn't like the teacher's style. He said that the first week. But what I didn't know was that he was finding it difficult to follow him and was getting behind because he hadn't been doing the math homework. Apparently he felt overwhelmed and just didn't do it. I had asked him more than once about his math homework, but he told me he either didn't have any or he had done it in study hall. Didn't feel right to me, but Sam learns the hardway. So his mark in math (which is 8th grade math, he is in 7th grade) for the first half of the marking period was a D. so we figured out where is issues were and have been working on correcting them. That takes time and attention. With Sam, who has ADHD, it takes a lot of time and attention on my part.
     
    So today he came home and told me he got a 92 on his math test. The next highest grade in the class was 62. Most of the grades were in the 40's. I am very proud of him. He took his D as a serious warning and has made extra effort to do better.
     
    I'm also pleased that he has been willing to put a little more effort into his writing assignments for English While Sam may have inherited my imagination, he did not inherit my love of writing. To him, writing is a chore to be completed with as little effort as possible. If 5 sentences are required for a paragraph, he will count them. I have told him for years that he needs to stop focusing on things like that and just tell the story. I THINK he may be getting the idea. More or less.
     
    He has recently had two writing assignments that he has actually worked hard on. *laughs* Ok, yes, I made sure he did. But despite what Scott tried to imply the other night, I did not tell him what to write. What I did was prod him into thinking about what he was writing and think about how words were used to convey meanings. I let him use my laptop and use Word because he really hates the physical act of writing and Word makes it easier for him to edit. Without Word, his first thoguht is what he keeps--since he is too lazy to erase and re-write. The end results were pretty good and really reflect his own style and his growing willingness to put a little more effort into his creataivity. So....i will play the good dad and post my little boy's (the little boy who is now 12 and outweighs me and is nearly as tall as I am) two stories here. Could be worse, I could be postinng pictures
     
    This one was for one of those horrid assigments where you have to use all the vocabulary words. I always hated those:
     
  7. Luc

    Things come in 3's

    By Luc,

    Nothing profound here tonight Sorry.
     
    Things come in 3's, or so they say. I really hope that is true. Last night my nearly 3 year old cat Tribble died suddenly, and I mean suddenly. I went upstairs to watch hockey and she was fine. About a half hour later, Sam comes out o his room and then comes running into me saying that Tribble fell over on the landing. Sure enough, there she was just lying there. I gave her some water and she drank it, turned over and died. She was always healthy.
     
    A few minutes later I notice Babes lying by herself in a corner of the hall. I touched her and she stood up and meowed plaitively and fell over. I gave her some food and water, she ate and drank. I put her in a box in the bathroom near the litter boxes--hoping she would use them if needed, and found her at 5 am in the litter box, dead. She has been on borrowed time since she was a week old. She had a huge swelling in her anal gland then and the vet gave very little hope for her survival. He told me all I could do was hot pack the swelling and hope it was an infection and rub her stomach gently with a warm, wet washcloth. I did that and her 2 mamas washed her and fed her and kept her warm. She spent the first 4 months of her life either on my shoulder, inside my shirt or in between her mamas. She was never quite right. she would fall over (her grandfather had balance issues that he passed on to many of his descendents) and had a herpes infection in her eyes that left her blind in one eye. Her tail drooped from her early problem and when she wanted to flick it around, it would spin and whip like a propeller. She was the most loveable pain in the ass you can imagine. As needy and clingy as they come. She was 2 years old. So she had nearly 3 years longer than she was expected to have.
     
    So I have been fairly shut down emotionally all day. I talked to Snowy last night and actually had a conversation about math. It made use of that other side of my brain and actually kept me distracted enough that i could sleep--having engaged in very satisfying brain sex. Which was a good thing.
     
    Thrn tonight i went down into the basement to do laundry before the Islanders game. sam comes down a few mnutes later in a panic and says that Miss Kay is dying. I had him bring her down to me. Sure enough, she was. I held her until she died. I talked to her a lot. She was my baby. I would sit at the dining room table and she would launch herself from wherever onto my shoulder, or she would climb up my side to sit on my chest with her head on my shoulder. That is how she died, with her head on my shoulder. She kneaded a little while i talked to her. Then she just died. She would have been a year old next week. She was always small and not always well. She was on antibiotics of one form or another most of her life. She was very inbred, which I know weakens them. but she was special, so very special to me. Every day I would hold her and talk to her and tell her she had 'big ass footies' which she did. no princess feet there. And I would tell her she looked just like her daddy--which is also her older brother. She was special. My favorite kitten. i completely lost it while holding her in the basement.
     
    So tomorrow is another day. I'm going to play Chess with Sam now and hope he doesn't kick my ass like he did the last time. It's sad when a 12 year old can beat you at games. The little shit.
  8. Luc

    A reminder to one I love

    By Luc,

    A reminder to someone I love that hearts have infinite capacity to love and that love is never diminished when it is shared with others.
     
    The Capacity of the Heart
     
    What is the capacity of the heart?
    I think of those I
  9. Luc
    You Are The Emperor
     

     
    You are an authority figure, and other people look to you for what to do.
    You are strong and powerful. Crossing you is not a good idea.
    You have worked hard to get to your position, and you're not about to give it up to anyone.
    Though you have a warrior heart, you are gentle to those who treat you well.
     
    Your fortune:
     
    In the near future, you need to be willing and able to defend those you love.
    This may be the time for you to step up and be the authority figure to those around you.
    It is time for you to be independent, to become your own person.
    You may need to look at your relationship with your father, or your relationships as a father.
     
     
    http://www.blogthings.com/whattarotcardareyouquiz/
     
     
    interesting
     
    What Tarot Card Are You?
     
    You Are The High Priestess
     

     
    You represent mystery - secrets that are yet to be revealed.
    You find yourself sitting between two worlds: one dark, one light.
    You tend to hold these two worlds in balance, reconciling the two.
    Open and welcoming, you invite others to learn your secrets.
     
    Your fortune:
     
    Something hidden, or latent, in your life is about to come forward.
    You need to pay more attention to your dreams, thoughts, intuition, and imagination.
    And if that involves tapping into your dark side, it will all balance out in the end.
    You have a lot of potential dying to be unleashed, so let those gates open!
     
    What Tarot Card Are You?
     
    http://www.blogthings.com/whattarotcardareyouquiz/
     
    also interesting.
     
     
    Now...the difference is in the names I entered for myself. One most people know me as and the other only a few people use. Which one, do you think, is the real me?
  11. Luc

    Labor Day Weekend

    By Luc,

    The Labor Day weekend was pretty good. I did some organizing of paperwork, which is a nice, relaxing anal-retentive task. Scott and Sam think I am nuts for finding that relaxing.
     
    We spent a lot of time outside this weekend. The weather was great and the pool was nice. I don't have a bandage to worry about anymore, so took advantage of the pool. We had a water balloon fight at one point. Scott accidentally hit me in the hand, which ended my participation. Stung like hell and I had a puss about it. *laughs* He was aiming for my balls, though, so I suppose I am glad he got my hand instead. Instinctive reaction when seeing a water balloon heading for your balls: cover with your hands. Ouch. But I survived, though my hand did hurt for a while. But part of that is from the lifting of files and folders, too.
     
    We played cards and board games a lot. *laughs* I beat Sam 3 out of 4 times at chess. Now...you may be thinking 'so what? he's 12' but he is in the chess club at school and has beaten the teacher. I am a mediocre player at best. I just know his style and can take advantage of his tendency to focus on one piece or one area of the board. Got his queen twice. *scowls* He got mine in 3 moves in the game I lost. We also played Chinese Checkers. Now...that is a game I have played maybe once or twice in my life. Turns out Sam and Scott are experts at it, the bastards. So the first game we played Sam killed me. I don't mind losing but all through the game he kept making a point of telling me how much I sucked. He is hell to play with when he gets like that. So i told him I wasn't going to EVER play it with him again. Of course, a few hours later I challenged him to another game. I beat him. Yes, I am a quick study. BUT, what I did--that he didn't catch on to--was to copy his moves as long as I could. *laughs* Actually, until I screwed up. But I did manage to beat him. *pats self on back*
     
    The highlight of the day, though, was about 11 pm when Sam was being a pain in the ass. I sent him into the living room for some stupid made up reason and whispered to Scott to get me a water balloon. I had to send Sam back into the living room a couple of times--I'm good at finding annoying little 'chores' for him to do. During this time, Scott filled a water balloon and snuck it to me. I held it in my lap under the dining room table. When Sam came back into the dining room I pointed to the window and said, "Is something out there?" He looked and I said, "Do you see it, moving by the trees?" Sam watches a lot of horror movies and has an active imagination. So while he was looking intently out the window, I threw the water balloon at him and it hit him in the back of the neck. *laughs* He was NOT expecting that. Most of the water went out the window. No big mess. But even if there had been, it would have been worth it.
     
    So, all in all, a good weekend. Sam and I are going to patch the concrete in the driveway tomorrow. I had him removing the broken bits with a hammer and a screwdriver today. He loved doing that. Nothing like giving a 12 year old a hammer and screwdriver and saying, "pound away." He has kept all the pieces and has hidden them in his 'secret place.' He THINKS it is secret, but I found it ages ago. Whenever something is missing, it's the first place I look. So tomorrow we play with concrete. Should be fun.
  13. Luc
    The greatest frustration is to be without words to express what you are feeling. I have a dictionary full of words. I have a thesaurus full of words. All the words in the world are at my fingertips. I can find any word I want with the turn of a few pages or the click of a few keys. Yet I am at a loss for how to put them together to say what I feel.
     
    That is maybe not quite true. I can say words that would get the point across. I might even be able to say them prettily or with some sense of emotion. But that is not enough. I want them to be beautiful words, words that make you feel the beauty of the rose alone among the weeds. Not just picture it, but feel it. And not just feel it, but have it surround you, wrap you up and hold you until the feeling becomes part of you, so embedded in you that it will always be with you.
     
    But for hours I sit staring and no words form. I tell myself it is because there are no words to convey that. Language is limited. Words are not big enough, strong enough, deep enough.
     
    But the truth is it is the writer, not the words. It is my inadequacy that fails, not the words themselves. I am unable to manipulate them properly.
     
    It is impossible to describe perfection with mediocrity.
  14. Luc
    I'm going to whine now, so be forewarned.
     
    My hand hurts. Well duh...I suppose it is supposed to hurt still. But it hurts when I do stupidly easy things like folding towels. It also hurts while typing and driving. The driving is a joke because really, Sam has to turn the key in the ignition and shift for me--but it still hurts to steer the damned thing.
     
    So I asked the physical therapist this morning and he said I am doing things that are pulling or pushing... Well...in general most things you do involve one or the other. He said he doubted I should be doing things I am doing and said I should call the doctor who did the surgery. So I did that. He says I should NOT type with my right hand at all just yet. And he went on to explain that that meant uusing ANY fingers on my right hand on the keyboard. Ok, fine. Except I really cannot type on my laptop with one hand--the keys suck and some don't work well. And I am not good at typing with one hand on my desktop because I can't seem to make myself NOT use my right hand. In my defense...HALF OF MY KEYS HAVE THE LETTERS WORN OFF OF THEM. That's not a problem when I use 2 hands because my fingers know where the keys are, but apparently my brain isn't as certain and it takes forever to tind the right keys. And he said NO driving since I am pressing and pulling on my hand too much. So I have to go back to being driven around--which is not going to go over that well with my chauffeur.
     
    So, I want to write. I have things to write. But it hurts and I am not supposed to be typing. I also want to talk to people online. I hardly ever get to talk to some people and I miss them.
     
    Yeah, I did say I was going to whine. I know it could be worse. And it IS because some annoying little animal (squirrel or whatever) stole my two biggest red tomatoes--found them half eaten tonight when I went to pick them for my sandwich! So tomorrow I am taking action. Will get to Home Depot somehow and get some screening and put it around my garden beds. Haven't worked out the details of how I am going to keep the critters out and still let myself in, but will figure that out. NO ONE TOUCHES MY TOMATOES WITHOUT INCURRING MY WRATH! Well, the wrath came after the whine and the near tears (ok, they were slightly more than just "near" because I REALLYwanted those tomatoes).
     
    So, going t o not be online as much as I want to. I am going to TRY to do what the doctor says. The pain in my hand at the moment is telling me that I should listen to him.
  15. Luc

    Who are we? Who am I?

    By Luc,

    Who are we? I mean, who ARE we, really? Are we our feelings, our thoughts? Are we our bodies? Which defines us?
     
    The answer would seem to be that we are a combination of those things. But what about those people who are mismatched? What about people who look out of eyes that don
  16. Luc
    Well, that was fun. Remind me next time to just let the cat hang by his hind foot until he falls out of the blinds on his own.
     
    The infection in my hand was so bad it needed 2 ops and iv antibiotics. I am getting whirlpool therapy everyday, which feels good and seems to be helping. Saw the dr on Friday. He squeezed everything to the point of tears but said he didn
  17. Luc

    can'ttype

    By Luc,

    just making an entry here because ican't use my right hand.have spent the day at my old dr in cobleskill who then sent me to the er inschenectady. majorinfection in thumb area--had to openit and irrigate it. good news is they let me go homeas long as i go back rto erfor followup tomorrow am. am on augmenin and hydrocodome so that should help.
     
    iam about 2/3 through my anthogy story--hopefully will be abletotype to get it in by thedeadline.
     
    so. anyonewhowoneers whyim not onlime,this is why.
     
     
    thefunny thing iswatxhing sam shift the car for me.
     
    *whines* i miss you
  18. Luc
    So Sam wants to know a couple of very important things:

    "Is Scott still going to Niagara Falls with us this weekend?
    "Is Scott still taking me night fishing for my birthday?"

    You see, THAT is one of the big problems with having a relationship (or trying to have one) when you have a kid. Your kid gets attached, too.
     
    I don
  19. Luc
    I JUST discovered the "Gallery." I am not going to ask how long it has been there because then I would have to face the exact degree of my slowness.
     
    But now that I have found it... Been happily scanning pictures from various photo albums. There are SO many more, but I promise only to post the ones I really like. I am by no means a great photographer. But every once in a while my camera accidentally finds something that is beautiful (take enough pictures and that will happen by random chance--and believe me, I have taken ENOUGH pictures).
     
    I'll probably do my kitten pics next. Most of them were taken with a digital and are already on my computer.
     
    Then there is this HUGE box (I mean one of those big storage boxes that you pack a house in) filled with photo albums and photos that have never made it to albums... Pray I don't get to that box...
  24. Luc
    Well, Scott and I had a major argument today. Not sure where things are going to go from this point. But I guess the root of all my evils is the time I spend on the computer. From my perspective, the amount of time I spend on the computer is the effect and not the cause, but who am I to know anything. But I'm tired of the argument. So, I'm going to be staying off the computer for a while. Not completely, because I don't want to lose touch with some people. So will still be on long enough to send emails. I doubt I'll be doing much writing for a while. Can't really do that without being on the computer. Not that anyone is waiting for my next words with bated breath.
     
    And I do need to spend more time making sure Sam stays off his ass. Apparently I don't do enough with him and that is why he is the way he is. I suppose he is right there. Sam is a straight A student, but that isn't as important as 'doing things.' And yeah, I suppose that is true. I was a straight A student who had no social life to speak of--and look where it has gotten me. So yeah, good point there.
     
    And you know what started all this TODAY? Apparently Scott has to tell Sam what to do more times than he thinks he should. But Scott rushes his instructions and tells Sam more than one thing to do. I'm sorry, but Sam needs to be given instructions one step at a time--or he will rush ahead in his mind to the next step and the next one and will then forget the first one. It has something to do with his ADHD. And he IS lazy. But he will do things if you tell him to and tell him one step at a time. Yeah, it's annoying as f**K, but it doesn't help if you just yell at him and then end up doing it yourself. *laughs* Because then it becomes MY fault because I have made things too easy for him.
     
    *shakes head* It really is all a bunch of babble. The real issues have nothing to do with the ones being argued about. But no one will listen to me on that, so whatever. I'm going to play the game and alter MY life for everyone else because really, that is the only thing that I have control over. So we'll see if anything changes. I'm just tired of the arguments.
  25. Luc
    When I first looked at my herb garden this year I discovered that my catnip had not over-wintered. This surprised me because catnip is a very hardy herb. Most forms of mint are. So I replanted it a little bit ago. The day after I planted it I noticed it looked like someone had trampled it. Several pieces were broken and it had fallen over. I started wondering whether there was some mysterious disease in my soil or whether the cinder blocks that surround my herb garden were toxic in some way. But a good watering seemed to help revive it, so I bought a couple more plants and planted them in a different part of my yard (in the bed with the snow peas and the peppers), just in case there WAS something wrong in the herb garden.
     
    A few days went by and all my catnip seemed to be thriving. So I figured that Sam had over picked it last year and probably stepped on it this year (without telling me, of course). Today I went out to look at my garden and THE CATNIP WAS GONE! I don
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