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That's exactly it. And I was a lot like Becker when I was 19, but I'm amazed by how minor his problems seem to me. Maybe that's just being a teenager, because Becker does mirror a lot of my college experiences. I don't know. (I actually have the doc up now for the next "Best Four Years" chapter, which is the beginning of a wonderful tailspin on Becker's part, kickstarted by the last line of this "Against the World" chapter. Still dabbling a bit.)

Thanks—that messiness of the ending is what I was going for! I really hate wrapping things up so neatly—especially because Kevin’s still a young guy figuring himself out—but I like where he ends up here. (Though I feel like Matt needs more closure. Undecided.) Hope to head back to Becker at some point. It’s hard because I started writing him so long ago that college feels far off (and, not to be my own worst critic, but I feel like the writing is just *so much worse* than this story.)

Thanks. In some ways, it does feel right to me to end the story here, because I love how this chapter leaves Kevin: hopeful but uncertain. (Which is, I think, the only way he’s going to wind up.) But, whether it ends here or has another chapter, I’m also glad I ended it—I hated how I left it (for months!) unfinished.

Glad you liked it! It’s been a great story to write: Kevin felt so real to me too, even when I was writing him. You just have to feel bad for the guy, I think.

Thanks—I appreciate that, and glad it stuck with you. (It stuck with me after I wrote it, too.) One of the reasons I wrote this story, actually, was because of the response I got on here to the breakup chapter in “Becker,” and I thought Kevin’s perspective was needed. I never thought he’d turn out so deep, to be honest, considering he was written as “the love interest.” And yeah, it’s the Matt storyline that I feel didn’t quite end as satisfying as it should. That’s the part I keep feeling like I have to go back to, even as the rest is fairly wrapped up.

Thanks—I’m glad I could pull it off. He’s a been an interesting character to get to explore. An emotionally-taxing one to write, for sure.

Thanks. I think that’s what Kevin always needed: someone who actually gets that he’s in pain, in a way that Matt and Becker never did or could. I like where this chapter ends him, looking towards the future with hope rather than something he'll eventually need to run away from.

CHAPTER TEN “You have to do it,” Ben scolded me, as he stirred his vodka-soda ferociously with the straw. “Here I was, thinking we’d fuck tonight, but you haven’t even told your boyfriend it’s over.” I’d made the mistake of getting drunk the other day and telling Ben Farber that I was planning to end things with Becker before I went to Paris. In the clear light of (relative) sobriety, it seemed like a mistake. And yes, there was so much about Becker that drove me insane, but the

It was a tough chapter to write, that’s for sure! High school really was Kevin’s first attempt to create something good and permanent, and it ended so painfully and humiliatingly for him. Really awful. I was surprised by how zen Kevin turned out being, though, when leaving things behind. Like, he’s upset with Matt for all of a couple paragraphs, and then he’s just ready to go, and his biggest gripe is basically that he can’t and has to stare the ugly past in the face for two more months until graduation. I always thought, in “Best Four Years,” that Kevin’s relationship with Becker was really doomed after the New York summer chapter, when Kevin essentially ruled out living as a closeted rich kid. But I didn’t realize, until I wrote this chapter, that Kevin understood that too on some deeper level. And so he basically manufactured the study abroad just so he could shake up his life the only way he knew how: make a clean break, leave everything, and reinvent himself better, without having to stare this ugly past (Becker) in the face too. Obviously, that’s not healthy, especially because he carries all of that hurt with him. I can’t promise Kevin will heal, or even that there will be a ton of closure (I go back and forth.) But I think a lot of this story has been about him learning to accept himself and the world around him in a more mature way. We didn’t get any “present day” in this chapter, but I do think he’s on his way for that. Though you’ll all be the judge.

Don’t Fucking Do Stupid Shit. Fucked that to hell, didn’t I. Lynn Barber had taken off, run down the hallway, but Matt and I were frozen. Pained seconds. “What do we say?” I whispered to Matt, as we both quickly and quietly pulled our clothes back on. I could tell the lines in Matt’s face. The worry. But of course he was worried: as we had to go downstairs to face his mom. I debated climbing out the window and disappearing, maybe forever. Take the Tercel and drive:

Glad I am too! I’ve missed this story.

I don’t mean to shit too much on Becker! Haha. It’s a good story, and I’ve loved writing it. It’s the same thing, though: it’s a lot of harnessing your cringey old self into a story, which is sometimes fun nostalgia and sometimes an ugly mirror. I just have to be in the right mindset, and I’m less and less in it, is what I meant. But I do hope to finish it, at some point. And Becker hooking up with Tripp’s friend always makes me laugh because… that’s also something pulled from real life. Oops.

Yeah, that's totally it. I've actually written very rough first drafts of Becker all the way through the beginning of his senior year. Basically, the story is my college memories with a loose plot laid on top of it. Especially early on in the story, where there's some random events that don't really add to the main plot--those things generally happened to me or my friends. But yeah, the older I get, the less interesting I find a closeted 19-year-old, and the less fresh and life-shaping my college memories seem. Part of life, I guess. BUT THAT SAID, yes, there is a chapter of "Becker" almost done. Problem is, how Becker was originally structured, the original Sophomore Spring Chapter 2 follows the events of Chapter 9 of this story. I tried to add some fluff to stall for time but could never get it into a rhythm, so I just stopped updating. Basically: Chapter 9 of this story has to come first, BUT I think I might release both that and the next chapter of Becker simultaneously. Because I think it'd be fun to read them in tandem: Against the World first, then Best Four Years right after. (No spoilers though.)

Haha, I’ve said it before: Kevin writes himself. I’m just along for the ride.

I am too, actually. It gets harder and harder writing Becker, the older (and more removed from college—ten years!) I get. Kevin’s a meatier and more interesting character to me, at this point of my life. I’ve thought about where Kevin would be in 2020, and it’s something to think about. But who knows!

Thanks! That means a lot. We’re getting to the point where the storylines do start to overlap with the next one chronologically, so we’ll see that semester a bit. And yeah, that in particular been tough to write. I’ve been avoiding it, to be honest. (I also avoided Becker and Kevin’s breakup in “Best Four Years” for similar reasons.) I will say: I know this cliffhanger probably seems to set up a bad 90s conversion therapy melodrama, but that’s not where we go. Hope the ending (likely two chapters left) doesn’t disappoint!

Thanks! Glad you’re enjoying it. The way it’s plotted out, we’ve got two more chapters left, so things should be falling into place pretty quickly now.

Aw, thanks. It's been fun to write this story, and it's great to have a place to share it. I love Kevin too. And I also worry about him. In a weird way, he's writing himself--what happens is going to happen where I let it or not. That's part of why I had to edit a few Paris scenes, and a large part of why this chapter in particular was hard to write: everything in California is finally coming together for Kevin in this chapter--Matt, and a car, and a godson, and a college acceptance--and it's like, he's finally happy for probably the first time in his life... I knew I had to shit all over it in that last sentence. Which was hard to do to him. But it makes for a good story (I hope.) And I will keep writing! I promise that much.

I love that: outwardly resilient. It's just kind of funny, because he was written initially (and I think this is still true, if you look at his first appearance in "Best Four Years") as a kind of "hot, charismatic love interest," but I just fell in love with his character. There's definitely more development for him--both in this story and, in a few chapters, when he gets folded back into "Best Four Years."

Thank you! I think that’s such a defining part of Kevin: wanting to let go of the past, but being utterly unable to do so. It’s unexpectedly taxing writing this story, actually, just because Kevin’s memories are so heavy (and I think that’s why I needed a break.) And they’re not getting much lighter in the 2-3 chapters we have left, unfortunately, which just makes it hard to get the motivation—it’s tough writing all the bad things that happen to him.

Sneak up on him. Baby steps. Get him a toothbrush. Was Ben Farber’s advice. Maybe I was being too literal. Or I just wanted to see Becker’s reaction. As expected: the panicked and confused look of someone who had just been handed heroin at airport security. He seemed to sniff out a trap: “What do you mean, you got me a toothbrush?” “For when you’re here.” He was so close to melting down. So I downplayed: “It’s gross that you don’t have one. Because, if you think about it,

Ha, I never know what notifications people get, I thought I was being so stealthy. Yes, I'm currently working on chapter 8 and it should be soon-ish... I've been fine-tuning the Paris sections just a bit, and am just finishing that up. It shouldn't change too much in the grand scheme of where the story currently is, but I started realizing I needed a few things to fall a little bit differently to set up the ending. Duncan dragged me a little too far into the weeds that I lost the plot a bit.

Haha, sorry to disappoint about Becker and Baker. (If it's any consolation, the guy Baker is loosely based on is married now.) Most secondary characters, including Baker, do get at least one arc, so there's still a lot to come with him. And yeah, I agree: Ryan's openness is definitely in contrast to Becker's closetedness... and I think it is a generational thing too (ugh, are we a different generation? I guess so.) Becker's intrigued by the specter of an openly gay guy in his fraternity, but also very threatened by it. (And, of course, openly gay Austin is now in the fraternity as well.)

1) So Rob and Ryan was totally something I had going on in the background since they were introduced (there are little hints whenever they're in a scene together in "Becker," and the scene with Rob's very Christian parents in St. Louis was also part of his secret character development.) It was going to be a late reveal in Becker's senior year but, when I revisited this particular scene, I realized that Kevin would absolutely have known they came into the room to hook up. That said, I can't reveal which--if any--other Iota Chis are gay... but sorry to disappoint: Chris Baker is straight--he's based off a friend of mine from college that really was just that bad with women. 2) Ryan is one of my favorite minor characters, because he's kind of the opposite of Becker--unapologetically gay, but still one of the boys, and one of those people who might not say much but always knows exactly what the deal is. I imagine that he has impeccable gaydar--would've guessed Becker was gay from the moment he met him, and figured out Kevin fairly quickly too. (And sniffed out Rob too, obviously.) That said, he suspects Kevin and Becker are banging, but he certainly doesn't know that they're in an actual romantic relationship. Becker obsessed about the eventual Austin-Kevin reveal but, in Ryan's mind, I don't think he was thinking about Becker at all when he said it.

They’re different, right? I started writing Becker 6(!) years ago when I was only two years out of college, with no intention of ever letting anyone see it—just to get words on a page. Which is why it’s semi-autobiographical and the first few chapters read almost memoir-like. Kevin’s less like me than Becker is, but I think he’s more fun to explore as a character: he’s deeper, darker, and funnier, and the stakes are higher. (And, honestly, the editing is just so much better in this story—there are whole chapters of Becker that should’ve wound up on the cutting room floor.)