The Donling

I'm trying something a little different for this blow-by-blow (job) review. Just about every line of dialog is pure gold. I would end up transcribing the whole damn chapter if I pointed out which lines I liked, so I'm not going to devote one paragraph to just the banter. The banter between characters is often laugh out loud hilarious! It has the effect that when things grow serious, they become very serious. Jackson is suffering inside his own skin and I'm at a loss for exactly why. Things might be better these days but openly gay kids still risk bullying--or worse--in the South. That said, Weston seems pretty "out" and comfortable, at least in his circle of friends. Cash just quietly let Jackson know that he knew and it was okay. So, Jackson knows he has love and support in his immediate circle. Why keep it all bottled up inside? It can't only be Blake Buckley since Jackson has a history of being "broody." Maybe he wants more from life than what he has at home? I'm sticking a pin in this and keeping an eye open for more clues. A word about Cash. By all that is sacred I want to lick this boy from head to toe and make him mine. Yes, he schtupped an unnamed girl in the bushes with the speed and efficiency of a racing pit crew but Blake Buckley plowed Colton in the back of his van while chasing Daisy Bell. Bisexual is a thing. I will lust for Cash and you will respect it. Anyway, I'm scratching my head. Jackson declined every invitation to go to the rodeo and as soon as his mama is gone, he throws on his best Johnny Cash black outfit and is out the door. Did he finally succumb to temptation? If so, it didn't take very long. That boy is weird (two syllables "wee-urrd"). Blake's smile faltered. Barely, but it did. His jaw ticked. He reached up, tugged slightly at the collar of his shirt like it suddenly fit wrong. He might as well have written his disappointment across his forehead in dayglow pink. These women study the reactions of men with the grave intensity of nuclear physicists. Blake wasn't fooling anyone, least of all, Daisy. He hadn't even realized he was holding his breath. His eyes scanned Jackson's body once, then again, slow, devouring, like he was watching fire crawl up a field of dry wheat. What is with this guy? Last night he barely glanced at Jackson. Now he is all but rolling his tongue out in front of God and the IRS. Two and two do not add up to bananas, people. "We look like hope, baby," Marla said, tossing her hair. "And hope ain't never overdressed." "I didn't know hope smelled that desperate." 😜 But no one, not a soul, saw how Blake's fingers dug into the railing. Or how Jackson's shoulder brushed ever-so-slightly against Blake's arm when Daisy pulled back. I think "unreliable narrator" is in play here because Cash is watching, very closely I wager. It was like their bodies had started orbiting. CW frequently writes love as like gravity pulling souls inexplicably into orbit around each other, no matter how different they might be. This reminds me greatly of Luca and Devin from "Futile Devices", the scene in the river where they drifted toward each other. "Sweetheart," Marla said with a smirk, "I been ridin' heartbreak and disappointment for thirty years, I can handle a few horns." I know, I know, I dedicated a whole section to how good the banter was. I couldn't help it in this case. Consider it an "honorable mention." "You wanna run that mouth?" Daisy continued, stepping into full queen mode now, arms crossed. "Then do it in the ring. Enter the bull ride. Show us what all that real man talk amounts to. But you won't, will you, sugar? 'Cause you know you'd last about as long as your last girlfriend did on prom night, thirty seconds and cryin'." Firstly, DAY-UM, Daisy! Spit the boy's balls out already! Secondly, I felt tears at this. I love Daisy. Thou shalt not fuck with a Southern woman's child in front of her. Colton should have known better. Daisy leaned into him, clapping furiously, radiant. "Did you see that? My God, baby, he rode that thing like it owed him money!" I'm sticking a pin in this for the inevitable sex scene coming up. Blake won't only be riding bulls like that.... Their mouths collided, not soft or sweet, but hungry. Jackson's hand fisted in Blake's shirt, yanking him forward with a ferocity that surprised even him. Blake groaned low in his throat, his grip tightening as their bodies slammed together, shoulder to chest, hip to hip. THAT didn't take long! I bet they aren't alone down there either. My guess is Colton, Cash, or both. Cash stood at the edge of the shadow, arms crossed over his chest, jaw clenched so tight the muscles twitched like coiled snakes. His eyes flicked from Jackson to Blake. I was right, hehe! Cash caught Blake and Jackson en flagrante delicto. Seriously though, this can't end well, mother and son wanting the same man. It's the stuff that ruins families forever and this little family is too beautiful to ruin. "Listen here, Buckley." He said the name like it tasted bad. "I don't care how many bulls you ride, how many girls scream your name, or what the hell you think you're doin' playin' this game with Jackson. But let me make one thing real clear, if you hurt him? I'll bury you so deep the only thing left of you'll be a belt buckle and a damn rumor." This is why I want Cash to give me his babies. Buckley blew off the other boys. Cash got his attention. And I ain't ever let anyone break him, not his daddy, not this town, and sure as hell not you." This takes me back to why Jackson hides so much. How has the town tried to break him? So far, outside of Colton, everyone calls him the Golden Boy. He seems universally adored. Also, I like that Cash pointed out that Buckley wasn't only shaking up Jackson, he was shaking up their whole family. Unfortunately, Blake and Jackson are caught in one another's gravity. They couldn't break away if they wanted to. Whatever this is, wherever it goes, nothing can stop it now. That's all for now. I'm left with a few thoughts as the story deepens. We haven't seen how the town treats Jackson yet. His immediate circle might not be relation by blood but they are family where it counts. I'm fascinated by characters like Weston. His existence in a story like this seems incongruent and yet he thrives unapologetically. He also transforms Jackson's conflict into a mystery. His angst can't only be about having gay feelings since his friends and family have said as loudly as possible without just saying it out loud that they don't care who Jackson loves. They love him and they are willing to fight for him. There seems to be more going on. I can't wait to see how it unfolds. My thanks to CW for making this story available where I can enjoy it. See ya next time!

Why thank you @FanLit! The check is in the mail. 😉

Oh, gosh, flattery will get you everywhere, darling!

Huzzah, a fresh chapter of ABE arrives and I feel well enough to give it one of my patented blow-by-blow (job) reviews! Let's get to work, shall we? We open five years in the future and Adrian is back in therapy. The rain falling in the background sets a sorrowful mood for what transpires within. Adrian sits straighter, his physical recovery progresses apace but he continues to struggle in his mind. Adrian is more introspective. He is cooperating with Dr Rainer which surprises the hell out of me. I remain suspicious, though, because NPD sufferers are masters of performance and deflection. "No one leaves someone who doesn't care." Dr. Rainer nodded gently. "That's not untrue. But no one can love someone who doesn't care, either." I appreciate how CW peppers his work with lines that inspire me to think deeply. I would frame these lines to look at every day but I would quickly run out of room. I could wallpaper the insides of skyscrapers and still require more space. Adrian shifted in his chair, discomfort crawling over his skin. "You're going to tell me what I felt wasn't love." "No. Because we already know it wasn't," she said. "I'm going to ask you why it felt like love." Damn, last session Adrian danced around the difficult topics. Now he is facing them head-on. This feels like a considerable length of time has passed since that first session. Adrian's physical improvement supports this. "You and Bobby," she continued softly, "share a wound. But when two wounded people try to dress each other's injuries, often all they do is reopen old cuts. What you mistook for intimacy may have been recognition. And recognition, for someone starved of affection, feels like love." How can someone who never knew love know what it feels like? Perhaps we go by what others say is love, by what we read and what we see in media. That depiction is a paper doll, a facsimile lacking in substance but it is all we have, all we know. Obsession, passion, adrenaline, hot, pumping blood--it can be rapture...or rage. Adrian flinched. "I never seduced him." "That's a lie," she stated. I winced when I read this. It is my understanding that therapists avoid issuing statements that can be taken as judgmental or combative. Rainer could have gotten the same result from "You didn't?" Then drag Adrian through every instance to see how he did in fact, seduce Bobby. Let Adrian see for himself that he lied. Make him say it. Always make the client say it. That said, we all make mistakes in the moment. Rainer looks more human through her word choice. I also trust her to know her client. I'm sure Adrian drove her to an early happy hour drink more than once. Adrian's voice broke as he whispered, "I didn't mean to betray him." This is what breaks my heart about NPD sufferers. Most have good intentions. It is what makes them so convincing. They believe their own lies. This is why breaking away hurts their victims so much. We see the real person inside, who is suffering, we naturally want to help. Nick loves Adrian. Bobby does too. They tried so hard but Adrian used their love and concern as a garotte. There comes a point when all we can do is get away. Adrian showed true remorse at last. Too little, too late to save his relationship with Nick and Bobby but as long as there is life, there is hope. Speaking of Nick and Bobby... "Well," Nick said softly, already kneeling beside him. "Morning…" It hit me just when I read this. Nick has become like what @J Le Roy said about when one finally catches on to the NPDs tricks. Adrian has become obvious to Nick, transparent. He can predict exactly what Adrian will say and do next because Adrian uses the same tricks over and over. Nick just isn't affected by him anymore. That isn't saying that being around Adrian is easy. It isn't, it's exhausting and heartbreaking. Imagine taking care of someone with dementia. It exacts an emotional toll. "I tried calling," Adrian rasped. His voice was hoarse, strained. "You didn't hear me." Oh, hell, here we go. Adrian is winding himself up to lay the biggest guilt trip of his life. He has had hours to seeth and stew and rehearse his lines. "Where's Bobby?" he asked, too casual. Of course, his victim if choice. He can't rile Nick up anymore but Adrian can still sink his hooks into Bobby and shred his tender heart. I begin to think that Nick made a terrible mistake in convincing Bobby to seek closure. Adrian won't let him. Nick paused. "He went for a swim." Interesting, now Bobby enjoys swimming in the ocean now. naked except for the thin towel draped across his lap, already damp from the slow, practiced motions of the nurses' sponges I felt seen here. I'm bedbound, the left side of my body twisted and virtually useless, the right side fully functional, and overall my sense of touch is decreased, leaving behind a sensation of rubbing sandpaper over every inch of my body. Maybe it is because Adrian is wealthy but the nurses don't bother covering me when they give me "bed baths" (their words for sponge baths). It took months to get used to having strange women touching every last inch of my body. Believe me, there is nothing enticing about it. The sponge glided over his thigh, the inner hollow of his hip, and then nothing, just the mockery of flesh that would not respond. A slab of himself, robbed of its purpose. I felt seen in this regard too. I still get boners thank the universe but the second I touch it, it goes away. I also share a room with someone else so I never get any private time. They wonder why I cry I night. That man was gone now, dead, yet maddeningly conscious. I don't feel dead but I think often about my restricted quality of life. I relate to Adrian in that regard. Some might say "he brought it on himself" and I won't dispute that. I choose to show compassion because I want others to show me that same compassion. I've made terrible mistakes in my life. Are they as bad as Adrian's? What does that matter? It isn't compassion when it is parceled out to those deemed "worthy." "You're quiet today," the older nurse said kindly, drying his arms with a thick towel. The quiet before the storm. I see Adrian whipping himself into a froth. He needs that energy for the biggest show in his life. And in his fury, he felt the sharp sting of a needle in his arm. He looked down. The older nurse was holding the syringe with steady hands. Adrian opened his mouth to protest, but the word never came. FAFO Adrian! The T-Rex is toothless. On another note, I live in terror of that where I am. The nurses will ignore verbal abuse to a point. If it looks to be growing violent they will call security and they will knock your ass out. I watched once as my original roommate escalated his verbal abuse until the facility admin arrived with two cops. They packed up a senile old man's last earthly possessions and frog marched him to the back of a police car. They dumped him at a bus station without alerting his family. They weren't legally obligated. These people are cold motherfuckers. Nick's face blurred at the edges, a ghost hovering in a doorframe. If Nick didn't know before that Adrian saw him and Bobby fucking, he knows now! Adrian's small fingers clutched the toy tighter. His lip bled where he'd bitten it. His knees hurt. He'd been there a while. I already want to lower Little Adrian's parents into a wood chipper, feet first. He stood again, stepping back. "A man is who he pretends to be. And if you don't start pretending soon, the world's gonna do it for you." I come from a broken family. My father came from a rough family, cold and cruel. The kind of family where one brother kills another in cold blood and gets away with it. I still don't get where Adrian's Dad is coming from. His assertions are cowardly, the recipe for success of a weak man. He is a bully. The mother is worse, she is apathetic to her child's suffering. She exhaled, already bored. "You'll figure it out. Boys like you always do. Just be charming, say the right things, make them laugh. You'd be surprised how little people need to believe in something. Make them think you're special. They'll do the rest for you." JFC what a mind fuck! "Boys like you" meaning what, exactly? "Make them think you're special" says "you're nothing special." Every word out of her mouth reinforces that Adrien is worthless. If he wants anything then he must trick others to get it. It burns me that people like this exist in the real world! His father laughed. Laughed. A short, sharp thing like a cough. "Columbia? Don't waste their fuckin' time." Adrian blinked. "I...what?" I want to gut this man like a fish. "You start dreaming too big, you'll forget where you came from. And that's when you really get hurt." What the fuck is it with this asshole? GRRR!!! Marcus's face shifted. Hurt bloomed, immediate and raw I want to hunt down Marcus and hug him so much. He dodged the bullet, though. More, this is where I stop feeling sorry for Adrian because he isn't a victim anymore. He has become the perpetrator. And then a strange, tamed yet cold smirk took hold of his lips. "Good," Adrian added. Chilling. Now we come full circle and I finally understand the meaning behind the title of the story. Adrian received a bad education. That makes me wonder--has this story been about Adrian all along? "So...if you've got something to say," Bobby added, finally leaning forward, elbows on his knees, eyes locking on Adrian's. "...now would be a good time." Famous. Last. Words. Oh, this is going to be bad. CW ended it a cliffhanger! This chapter yanked me all over the place. Mostly I cried for Little Adrian. That boy deserved a better life but as a man he made his choices. Those choices have come home to roost. That is it. My first thought is to compliment CW for listening to his readers. Some of us urged him to break from an arbitrary ten chapter limit and take his time, allow his characters to "breathe" and realize their full potential within the story. That is on full display here and it is a thing of beauty. Next, I applaud the insight and attention given to mental illness. We saw how it infects the most vulnerable and how, if left untreated, it does lasting harm to everyone the infected comes into contact with. It must be caught early and treated before it becomes incurable. I fear it is too late for Adrian. The life he led before, the people he loved are gone but he is getting therapy and shows evidence of getting better. He has a chance at a new, happier life. I hope Nick and Bobby get that chance too, preferably together. As long as there is life, there is hope. My gratitude to CW for sharing this story. Thank you, I look forward to seeing you next chapter!

I'm only a fellow reader but I live to read your comments. Beautiful, simply beautiful.

This comment is as beautiful as the chapter. I'm not versed on the literary nuances. I thank you for pointing them out to me. Now I can more deeply appreciate how great this chapter is. I can say nothing to add to what you have already written so I echo your sentiment. This chapter is flawless in what it doesn't say. I know of few writers confident enough to step back and let the story tell itself. Magnificent.

I was happy to see how confident and "together" Future-Bobby was. It makes sense that he masters cinema like how Nick masters books. They compliment each other. Though, it saddened me that they seem to lead separate lives. I was pleased to see Nick become successful in his own right. In chapter one he called himself something like "token trophy husband". It made sense--Adrian would insist that he was the only one to have fame and acclaim. I smiled at how Nick's book was titled after this story. So very meta! I wonder why Dean was so breathless about Nick's event? Why rush to tell Bobby? I have my thoughts but I'm still curious. These future vignettes are building toward something. We've seen Adrian, now Bobby, that leaves Nick. Might his scene bring present and future together? I can't close without commenting about how sweet this whole chapter was between Nick and Bobby. Nick knows Bobby's favorite sandwich. Adrian knew nothing about him. Nick never intruded, he let Bobby choose how much contact he wanted. They grieved together, nothing needed to be spoken. They knew, they understood. I don't know if there will ever be sex between Nick and Bobby but it will be Bobby's decision, as it should have been all along. The contrast with Adrian last chapter is shocking and damning. Where would any good review be without acknowledging the bestest boy, August, and his human friend, Richard. As usual, Richard planted a seed of wisdom and backed off. August did the heavy lifting with Bobby. Beautiful chapter, thank you for the pleasant surprise!

So many emotions clash inside me. A cruel, vengeful part inside me takes gleeful pleasure in Adrian's suffering. Karma is a bitch and she never shortchanges. The compassionate side of me puts myself in Bobby's shoes. No matter how much he hates what his father does to him, he still loves Adrian. I've felt this moment of chilling panic. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and found my mother cold and barely breathing, having collapsed in the bathtub. I don't wish that terror on anyone, least of all an emotionally compromised youth. I look back at the opening scene and I wonder--is this the night the therapist asked about? Adrian was unable to speak about Nick. Nothing has happened yet with Nick that might render Adrian mute. The same goes with Bobby. Whatever happens between him and Adrian occurs within the next six months. Then it occurs to me--the night isn't over yet. I assumed Nick and Bobby call for help immediately. What if Nick doesn't? What if Nick put something in Adrian's food again or in the drink he made? What if Adrian only thinks he is having a heart attack? Adrian is frail and walking with a limp in the therapist's office, who says that happens as a result of a heart attack? What if getting therapy was the condition Nick demanded for letting Adrian go? There is so much going on and everything is up in the air. This is such an incredible chapter, thank you, CW!

You woke up screaming aloud A prayer from your secret God You feed off our fears And hold back your tears, oh Give us a tantrum And a know-it-all grin Just when we need one When the evening's thin You're a beautiful A beautiful fucked up man -- "Building a Mystery" by Sarah McLaughlin I hear that song every time I think of Adrian. I think it suits him, only he isn't as mysterious as he thinks he is. After seeing their relationship from the beginning helped me understand why Nick chose to stay with Adrian. Only now, 20 years later, it isn't enough. I saw that final passage and thought "oh, Nick, what have you done?" Adrian has all of the classic indicators of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Serial cheating, gaslighting, love bombs, jealousy, possessiveness, pathological lying, given to theater, clingy, using guilt like a weapon. NPD turns malignant when one becomes premeditated, planning out things like drugging a spouse. Adrian has hung on to Nick all this time by convincing him that he is keeping Adrian from getting worse. Just the opposite, I fear he enabled Adrian to keep at it without having to worry about Nick. That enabling led to this mess with Bobby. That leads me back to my initial question. What. Has. Nick. Done? I don't know but I suspect the worst is coming. Normally, the only way to deal with NPD outside of therapy is to go no contact. That won't work with Adrian. We've already seen he goes to ridiculous extremes to keep what he thinks is his. He has money and connections to ferret out any information he wants and he won't abide by restraining orders or national borders. Nick is intelligent and ruthless when he needs to be. Has he thought of something more permanent? I'm bitng my nails and what about Bobby? He is following Nick around like a puppy, utterly smitten. Adrian slapped him for just gawping at Nick. The kid might be in actual danger now. I have no clue what is happening next and it's thrilling! Ominous as hell but thrilling! Thank you for yet another incredible chapter!

Correct that it is Caleb Carter post "Man Up" or correct that Nate never looked at Caleb's school work? 😉

I bit my nails, fearing Nick poisoned their asses. Actually, he still could have! Anyway, there is plenty of blame to go around but in general I like Nick because his sin might only be passivity, of waiting for things to get better instead of taking action years ago to make things better. Adrian appears to be the most egregious sinner in that, same as Nick, he failed to take action years ago and in addition, he hid what he was doing with Bobby. Bobby has the least to atone for. He never wanted to hide anything and he called bullshit the moment he stepped into the house. Bobby's problem seems to be his willingness to see everything burned to the ground. He acts like a person who has had up to his eyeballs so fuck it all! He can't leave we'll enough alone.

I wrote chapter 8 and 9 back to back, ao it'll be here before the weekend hopefully. I think I might break my 10 chapter record with his story! You say that like it's a bad thing! 😜 This story is incredibly rich and intimate. I'd rather see it properly revealed than to stick to an arbitrary limit.