I met Scott online, through a chat room. It started off pretty innoxiously, chatting now and again. The more we spoke, the more we realised how much we had in common. IM’s became web cam chat, which sometimes went on all night, not a day passed when we wouldn’t talk. It soon became apparent we were falling for each other, hard.
We started meeting up at least one weekend a month, usually somewhere between Southampton (where I lived) & Liverpool. The chemistry we shared online spilled over into the real meetings. We could talk about anything & often did, even as I reflect now I can never remember an uncomfortable silence, or any silence between us. In bed we were totally compatible, and even 12 years later there has never been anyone who has rocked my world more than Scott did. In truth, I loved him & he returned it.
He had my heart, and once I realised that, the distance & the length of time we spent apart started to become a problem for both of us. Web cams are all well and good, but they cannot replace physical contact, and I craved that.
What you have to understand is that both our careers were just starting off. We both worked for good companies with superb prospects, so one of us moving was impossible. Sometimes our jobs would interrupt our plans for the weekend that we set aside, at its worst we went 3 months without seeing each other. I’ll admit now that I was lost during these separations, the longer it went the more agonising it became, to the point where it was actually making me physically ill. I know I’m the kind of guy that needs physical contact with the man he loves, back then even more so. A month was just about bearable, but 3 was a killer & was our undoing.
He cheated first, a drunken one night stand he said, and that admission just about killed me. He could have kept it to himself, but he was at least honest with me. I was furious though. The separations were bad enough, but adding those sprinkles on top of the cake was too much. So what did I go and do? I made the worst mistake of my life.
I decided in my totally rational mind that what was good for him was also good for me. Perhaps it would have been if I didn’t go totally overboard. I went out that Friday night in my sluttiest outfit, and got home Monday afternoon after spending the weekend boozed & drugged up. I have no idea how many guys I had sex with, but certainly more than 5 from what I was told later.
At the time I didn’t feel guilty… until I decided to rub his nose in it. Simply put, it was game over.
You want to know the worst of it? He was the one. In 12 years I have never loved a man like I loved him. I’ve had plenty of lovers and 2 partners since, but not one could even come close to how he made me feel when we were together. I was young and stupid, I just never realised what it would cost us in the end. That is my biggest regret. Even now I still love him, and I guess he’ll always have a place in my heart.
If I met him now instead of then, then things would be very different. I have a good job that would allow relocation if necessary, but after that experience I would never contemplate a LDR for a second time. Good luck to those who go for it, but I cannot afford to be in that situation again.
And before you condemn me for being an emotional basket case, I know already. That said, I’ve never had a problem with confidence, but when it comes to love I need my man near. Don't get me wrong I never smother or get possessive, I’m not needy or jealous, it's just that my mentality is really very hard to explain. I guess I feel more content when I can get instant access when I want & vice versa, probably a comfort thing. lol
Anyway, that’s my story… and why, for me at least, LDR’s just won’t work.
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