Daniel & Thomas - 4. Chapter 4

Thomas insists that he isn't gay, but I am not so sure he is right. The
real problem I have is that there is no barometer, for which I can measure
our relationship, sexually speaking that is. It's not as if we sit around
with our friends at school and ask, "hey, do you guys reckon you're gay?"
Asking that would be like painting a red bull's eye on our foreheads. At
thirteen a guy's sexuality is definitely something he needs to work out for
himself.

Waking early, I decided to talk to Thomas about last night. "Thomas! Are
you awake?" I whispered. But Thomas didn't stir he was still asleep. I
stood next to his bed, staring down at him. Man Thomas looks so gorgeous
when he's asleep I just couldn't resist the urge to touch him. So I stroked
Thomas cheek lightly with the back of my hand, causing him to sigh. When he
still didn't stir I became even braver and gently stroked his face. With my
fingertips I traced the little creases around his throat, until my fingers
rested lightly on the veins on the side of his neck, I could feel them
pulsing in rhythm with his heartbeat. I knew I was taking a risk as I bent
over and brushed my lips lightly against his throat, his skin was cool and
tasted salty. Thomas sighed again, he was right on the edge of wakening,
his eyelids fluttered, cautiously I moved my head away from him and
waited. When he still didn't wake up, I once again planted little kisses on
his skin, this time my tongue traveled down into the small V at the base of
his neck.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Thomas shouted.

I was so surprised that I jumped off Thomas bed and landed painfully on my
butt on the floor. terrified of the consequences of what I had just
done. "Thomas I, I'm sorry I didn't mean to.." I stuttered, turning as
pale as a ghost.

I looked at Thomas grinning at me. "You bastard" I yelled at him as I leapt
up from the floor jumping on top of him. Thomas was laughing so hard that
he was too slow to defend himself as I pinned him under the sheets with his
own blankets, one knee on either side of his shoulders. I grabbed a
handful of his hair and yanked it hard.

"Owe, ouch, stop that you sissy, only girls pull hair" Thomas complained.

"Oh sorry" so instead I twisted his nose painfully with my fingers, " is
that better?"

"You're so going to pay for thi... ouch, ouch" Thomas stopped mid sentence
to cry out in pain.

I sat back and let him calm down, before continuing my reign of terror on
his defenseless carcass. "Did I hear you call me a sissy?" I asked, glaring
at him maliciously.

"uhmm, no I said silly not sissy" Thomas giggled as he pleaded his
innocence, hoping that I would stop terrorizing him.

"Daniel, I have a very important question for you." Said Thomas trying to
avoid being attacked again.

"What're you going to do when you have to let me up? You cant keep me
pinned down here forever, maybe you should start begging for mercy now?"
Thomas offered helpfully.

I had to admit he did have a good point, the moment I let him loose I was
going to pay. All of a sudden an escape plan jumped into my mind, I looked
mischievously at Thomas then grabbed hold of his head with both my hands. I
leant down and kissed him right on the lips as hard and as passionately as
I could. Initially Thomas resisted, then slowly I felt his body relax
underneath me as he started to get into the kiss. I pushed my tongue
playfully into his mouth and tickled him. Thomas moaned and opened his
mouth wider to receive my kiss.

I leapt of Thomas, catching him totally by surprise. He sat up but was
still too stunned to do anything. Suddenly Thomas made a lunge for me, but
he got tangled up in his bedcovers and fell in a heap on the wooden floor
at my feet. Giggling, I did a pirouette and as I spun around grabbed my
backpack of the bed and ran into the bathroom, locking the door behind
me. I heard Thomas, who had untangled himself from the bedcovers, grumbling
from the other side of the door.

"You can't hide in the bathroom forever you know, when I get hold of you,
you're dead meat squirt," Thomas threatened me, through the door.

"Yeah well two minutes ago you said I wouldn't be able to get off you,
without being killed, so there." I yelled back at Thomas, immaturely
blowing him a raspberry sound, same as what babies make, causing Thomas to
growl even louder and me to crack up laughing.

Needless to say I had a long, long shower. I considered climbing out the
window, but seeing how the bathroom was on the second floor I thought the
better of it. In the end it was Sara who saved me, she came up to Thomas
bedroom, at her mother's insistence, to rouse us for breakfast. As soon as
I heard Sara I opened the bathroom door and slipped in behind her. Thomas
eyed me like a predator would a prey, every time Sara turned I turned with
her, meanwhile Thomas circled like a vulture.

"What are you doing Daniel?" Sara was becoming annoyed, as she tried to
push me out of the way.

"Uhmm Thomas is going to kill me" I blurted out while holding onto her
waist and spinning around behind her.

Sara looked at Thomas, recognized that he was up to no good and put her arm
around my shoulder protectively. "Come on Dan, lets go and get breakfast,
you'll be safe with me" Sara said.

As we walked out of Thomas bedroom I turned around and poked my tongue out
at Thomas causing him to throw a pillow at us, but it was to late, we were
already in the hall.

By the time we had finished breakfast, cleaned up the dishes and done some
other things, his mum has asked us to do, Thomas, whose short-term memory
was bad at the best of times, had forgotten that he had an agenda to kill
me. It wasn't until later that night that Thomas chose to once again open
up the subject of his sexuality.

We had just finished playing Star Wars Pod racer, on his computer when he
turned around to face me.

"Dan I want to show you something," Thomas said.

"Should I close my eyes?" I asked playfully.

"I'm not kidding around, seriously Dan I want to talk to you about this gay
thing" Thomas said irritably.

"Ok, sorry." Thomas opened the drawer of his desk and pulled out a
book. "What's that?" I asked curiously.

"Its called 'How to raise happy boys' its my mums, it's one of those
positive parenting things, you know like an instruction manuals on how to
raise teenagers," Thomas chuckled.

I looked at the book but failed to see what it had to do with us, I was
perplexed.

"There's a section in here on homosexuality, I want to read it to you"
Thomas said, as he flipped through the pages to find the section he was
looking for.

I looked worried, "OK, read it".

Thomas proceeded to read the chapter to me, without getting into to much
detail, basically the book suggested that pubescent boys go through
distinct phases on the road to discovering their sexuality, one of these
phases being homosexuality. The book said that it was perfectly normal for
a straight boy to become curious and experiment with other boys
sexually. In fact the book almost made it sound like a rite of passage,
suggesting that boys at our age relate to each other better then they do
girls and therefore its logical that two boys will experiment with each
other. Eventually the boys sexuality start to take on a direction either
homosexual or heterosexual. In the meantime a parent should not be
concerned if they find their teenage son is involved in clearly homosexual
activities with their friends. The book basically then went on to discuss
the proper way in which a parent should handle this absolutely normal
situation. Finally Thomas finished reading and looked over at me.

"You see Dan, its like totally normal for us to fool around, I mean it
doesn't mean we are gay it only means we are horny teenagers" Thomas
laughed.

Thomas may have been so sure about it, but I was far from convinced. The
book dealt only with sexuality on a purely sexual basis, it did not deal
with the emotional aspects. It did not give any clues as to what a person's
sexuality may be, should they discover for example that they spend all
their time thinking about boys rather then girls. Nor did it say anything
about being in love with your best friend. At best I felt the book was a
cop out for guys who used it as an excuse to not have to think about their
sexuality.

"Thomas, I'm not so sure the book is right, I mean what about feelings and
stuff. What I mean is, well, well I love you. Sorry I can't help it, I know
you don't like me saying stuff like that but its exactly how I feel, I
don't think about girls when I masturbate I think about you" I said
blushing bright red and suddenly feeling very awkward and shy.

I thought Thomas was going to recriminate me for what I said, but instead
he reached over and put his arm around my shoulders.

"Dan, blind Freddie could see that you are in love with me and despite what
the book says I know it doesn't apply to you, I mean you're just so gay
Daniel. I have a sister remember and you're more like her then a guy, next
thing you will be trying on dresses with her" Thomas retorted.

I was about to get mad at him, but then I realized his teasing was
good-natured and Thomas wasn't trying to be mean to me.

"Look Dan all I am saying is that maybe you are gay, maybe you're not, I
mean like who knows. I just reckon that you think about it too much. Me I
really like girls, but I really like getting off to, I just accept the fact
that we are two guys fooling around looking for ways to get off. Do you
understand?" Thomas said looking me straight in the eyes.

My eyes moistened a little. " Yeah I understand, according to the book
we're on the road to discovering our sexuality, in you're case you're on
the expressway going straight, and I am going up a one way street to
gaydom. " I said.

"Yeah, good parable dude" Thomas laughed as he squeezed my shoulder harder.

"I was being sarcastic," I said indignantly.

That following Monday, I had decided that if I spent any more time thinking
about the whole gay straight issue, I would go crazy. I decided to adopt an
entirely novel approach for a 13-year-old, when all else fails speak to
dad. The subject of sexuality and ones parents is scary enough, I mean none
of us like to even hear the words dad or mum and sex in the same sentence
its just to scary to even contemplate, but the fact is, I am desperate. So
Monday night found me sitting on the couch in our lounge room, waiting for
my dad to get home. I was going over in my mind ways to bring up the
subject. I could try the straight out approach. "Dad I am a poof! Are you
ok with that? Ok maybe not, how about, Dad, I really think Mrs. Watson's
twins are way hot, Jennie? No not jenny Dad, her brother Max. I guess not.

I picked up my favorite photo of Thomas, it is a picture of him and me
skiing last year. In the picture he has his arm around my shoulder and I am
looking up into his face. For the longest time I sat there just staring at
the picture. "Oh Thomas I love you so much" I said tearfully, "why does it
have to be so damn hard, to be me."

"it doesn't have to hard Daniel, " Dads voice startled me from behind. All
the while I was expecting him to come in through the front door and
meanwhile he had sneaked in through the kitchen door.

"DAD! I. Its, its not what it seems dad I meant, that I love him as a
friend" I stuttered.

"I'm sure you do Dan. Love him as a friend that is, but I think there is
more to it than that. Do you want to talk about it?" Dad said, sitting down
next to me on the couch.

"There's nothing to talk about dad. Really there isn't. " I said
defensively.

Dad looked at me, studying my face, I knew he could tell that I wasn't
being truthful, but he decided to leave it up to me, "OK Dan, I'll take
that as a no." He said, rubbing the top of my head as he got up.

I could feel the opportunity to talk slipping away. "No dad, wait please,
I. I want to ask you something" I stuttered.

Dad looked down at me, then sat down next to me and put his arm around my
shoulder. "Daniel there is only you and me, if we cant talk to each other,
then who can we talk to? Tell me what is on you're mind son."

It was a hard subject to broach, but I guess my comment about loving Thomas
kind of already broke the ice, so I lunged in headfirst. "I think I might
be gay dad" I said, pausing to see what his reaction was.

Dad looked speculative. "Dan, I think you are to young to place a label of
that magnitude on you're head. If in time you are proven to be gay and I
hope that doesn't happen, we will have to deal with it."

The last comment bit hard, dad was saying that if I was gay we would have
to deal with it like it meant I was mentally diseased or something, that I
would have to be put on medication or even worse put into a an asylum, I
got angry.

"So you don't want a little faggot for a son, is that what you're saying?
If I turn out to be gay then I will be a bad person, someone you will be
ashamed to call your son! " I blurted out.

Dad looked surprised by the bitterness in my voice. He started to say
something, but instead changed his mind and got up from the couch and sat
on the coffee table opposite me, where he could look me straight in the
eye.

"Daniel. I will love you for the rest of my life, no matter what you're
sexuality. You misunderstand me. No sane parent would want their child to
be Gay, we live in a world of homophobes, being gay will make you're life
that much harder, we all want the best for our children. If and I do mean
If you turn out to be gay then we will fight that emotional battle
together. You have no choice in you're sexuality, you are what you are.

I looked into my dad's eyes searching for any signs of insincerity, when I
found none I softened my resolve to argue any further, and I let my temper
abate.

"Daniel I have know for some time that you idolize Thomas, for a while I
thought it was because he has defended you against the bullies, but even
when the two of you are not in school I can see that you love him more then
just a friend." Dad explained.

"Is it that obvious dad?" I asked.

"Yes Dan, it is"

It came as a shock to me that my feelings for Thomas are so transparent,
Thomas words came back to me, and blind Freddie can see you love me. Thomas
had said.

" Dad I don't know what to do about it. I spoke with Thomas and he says its
just a phase I am going through, and that I will get over it. But dad it
isn't getting easier its getting harder, when I am around him I just feel
so, well so, I don't know I can't explain how I feel but it's a good
feeling. " I told him.

"Does Thomas mind?" Dad asked.

"He doesn't seem to dad, I mean I think he is a bit flattered about having
someone that worships him, but he denies feeling the same way about me, he
reckons we are just really good friends, having fun together. "

"From his point of view that is probably correct, Daniel. Thomas may view
you as someone he loves in an undefined way, not in a gay or heterosexual
way, he may not see you're relationship like that, do you understand?"
asked dad.

What dad seemed to be trying to tell me was that, Thomas is my friend,
despite the fact that I may or may not be gay. And that his friendship
should not be considered as a green light for me to hit on him and to force
him to declare his own sexuality. It really boiled down to having Thomas as
a friend on his terms or not being with him at all. Life sucks I thought to
myself.

"Look Daniel, it doesn't matter that Thomas is a guy and not a girl, the
same rule applies. You cannot push him one inch further than he wants to
go. To do so would be wrong. Just as surely as you are you, Thomas is
Thomas, you can't change him anymore then he can change you. My advice to
you is simple. If you want to keep Thomas as a friend then don't push him,
let him set his own pace. If being around Thomas is stressing you out to
much then you need to back away, before you ruin your relationship with
him." Dad said rhetorically.

"Dad. Do you think that mum would be disappointed in me, if I am Gay?" I
asked dad-changing topic suddenly.

Dad lifted my chin up so I was looking him straight in the eye. "Daniel,
when you were 7 years old you're mother and I discussed the possibility
that you may have a slightly effeminate personality, we discussed what this
meant in terms of you're future sexuality and what would it mean if you
turned out to be gay. The words I said to you before are echoes of that
conversation. Both you're mother and I, rest her soul, will love you until
eternity, even beyond death son. Never ever believe otherwise." Dad said in
a croaky voice.

I became emotional and threw my arms around dad, until finally dad pushed
me back, "Now onto more important matters Dan, what's for dinner?" I
laughed at dad's priorities, his stomach followed by my emotions.

"Nothing dad, I was too emotional to cook anything" I told him.

"Now that truly is a friggin disaster," dad said frowning.

That night laying in my bed, I played over and over in my mind all that dad
and I had spoken about. The really cool thing in my mind was that dad would
accept me regardless of what my sexuality. The other thing I couldn't get
out of my mind was how naïve I was to think that mum and dad didn't know
me if not better as least as well as I know myself. It blew me away to
think that long before my sexuality even occurred to me, it had already
been discussed by them.

I thought long and hard about Thomas and what to do. In my mind there was
only one real difference between us. Thomas, only has a physical point of
view about our relationship, whilst I have a physical as well as an
emotional viewpoint. So it seems logical to me for the short term, to only
pursue the physical aspect. I figured that as Thomas had so crudely put it,
he was a teenager looking to get off, may as well be me helping him to do
it. Besides I could still have my feelings albeit they wouldn't be
reciprocated. Next weekend, I decided, I would test Thomas resolve.

Continued in Daniel tests Thomas resolve...