Curved Balls - 1. Story

Curved Balls

By Nephylim

JOE’S BLOG: APRIL 24 2008: 23.50

Oh man, being single sucks. It’s now been 9 months 12 days and 14 hours since Bobbie moved out and the house still feel so damned empty. Actually, I have been thinking that maybe it’s time for a move. I have always felt the house is too big for me. I should have sold it right after Mum and Dad died but I wasn’t in a place then where I could bear to let it go. It held so many memories, it still does, but now, instead of reminding me of the innocent days of childhood, the hugs and kisses of the two people who loved me most in all the world, it just reminds me of Bobbie and the caresses of the one person who betrayed me more than anyone else in the world.

Sometimes it feels like I can still feel him, still hear his voice, smell his cologne, feel his hands in the night. God he was a good lover... too good, clearly he felt the need to share it around. I just wasn’t enough for him. And if you are reading this you cheating, double crossing, son of a bitch... you weren’t THAT good.

And yes, I am feeling bitter and I am feeling down and I am feeling goddamn angry... about Bobbie, about life, about everything. Maybe it is the approach of Bealtinne but the sap is rising guys and there is only so much fun you can have with a lump of rubber and five fingers.... well, by yourself anyway. Bobbie and I.... well enough of that.

Anyway, I was thinking maybe it was time to put the house on the market and move on, make a fresh start somewhere. It’s not as if I have anything to stay round here from. No, family, no friends to speak of, and work still sucks.

Ah well. It’s almost midnight and I have work tomorrow. Rant over. Perhaps tomorrow I will meet the man of my dreams. Hah! Yeah right!

JOE’S BLOG: APRIL 29 2008: 22.48

Hehe. Thanks guys... for the offer and the warning. You made me smile if nothing else. Well, life is looking up... kind of. A new guy started at work yesterday. He’s a computer whizz and is already making my life easier...and more difficult. WOW he is some looker. I almost fell off my chair when Roach brought him over and introduced him. His name’s Tarren McAlistair and his first words were.

“Hi, call me Taz, everyone does.”

Now, you wouldn’t think that was too earth shattering, would you? But oh Gods guys... that voice... those eyes...!! I was literally speechless. Given my recent sex starved condition my libido went through the roof and I literally had to clench to keep my body from betraying just how pleased I was to see him.

He’s probably a couple of years younger than me, but at least a head taller. He has this long red hair... not ginger but a rich mahogany that seems to catch fire whenever the sun hits it. It flops over his face when he bends forward to look at the screen and he’s got the cutest habit of flicking it back behind his shoulder.

His eyes are wicked, a kind of amber colour that change with his mood. Sometimes they are almost gold and sometimes almost brown but they twinkle all the time and, up close they are a mix of all those colours. I have never seen that before, so many colours in one eye... well two. And if you are wondering how I got to see them up close, don’t get too excited; it was only when he was leaning over my shoulder explaining something about the new programme we are working on. He has this knack of making complex things sound easy.

Did I mention that he has a body to die for? He wears these tight black tshirts that should be outlawed. Roach has, apparently, not told him about the ‘no tshirt’ rule and I don’t blame him. I kid you not my friends, this guy could be on the cover of Vogue. But he’s not vain. He seems really sweet and uncomplicated; always ready to help, eager to please. WOW. I know how he could please me, but he doesn’t seem interested and, believe me, after the first embarrassingly crass mumblings I have been heaping on the charm in buckets. Sometimes the poor kid looks really confused by it.

I have no idea if he’s straight or not, knowing my luck lately it’s inevitable. Haven’t picked up on any signs yet, and it’s not really the kind of thing you can come straight out and ask... well I know it’s what YOU would come straight out and ask Alex, but not me.

Anyway, still no action but I think I might put my moving plans on ice for a while. The view is getting better and better here *Wink*.

JOE’S BLOG: APRIL 30 2008: 22.47

Aaargh, this guy is driving me nuts. Keep catching him looking at me. He gives me these cute little glances from under his hair, you know the kind. What do they mean?!!!! Is he interested? Just curious? Scared?

The boy’s a frigging genius. Not only does he know computers inside out but he has an absolute gift for, not only explaining things in a simple, straightforward way, but actually making it sound interesting. I’m in love guys. At least I am in crush mode big time.

Bealtinne tomorrow and I have a date... well in my own mind anyway. Have to stay on after work to sort out some glitches in the new programme. Roach, in his infinite wisdom, has decided that we have to fix them outside work hours. Taz is staying on with me to give me a hand so there is likely to be some steam. I am hot under the collar just thinking about it. Me... my crush... a big old empty office. *sigh*

Count me in for The Gathering Bob. This place has been the only thing keeping me sane this last year. I can’t believe I have never actually met any of you and it is definitely the highlight of my social calendar for this year. That is unless the incredible Taz succumbs to my obvious charms and sweeps my off my feet, in which case you’re all dumped and I won’t be seeing the outside of my bedroom until December.

JOE’S BLOG: MAY 5 2008: 22.53

OMG!!! OMFG!!! You guys will NEVER believe what’s been going on in my life these last few days. I can barely believe it myself.

As you know I had to work late on Thursday and it was just me and Taz. We got stuck in... to the work that is you dirty minded buggers... and he was amazing. He was wearing the tightest black jeans and tshirt and the way his body moves is.... aaarggh which way to the cold shower?

Anyway, he kept giving me these looks, you know.., the ones I was telling you about. We were sitting really close and I could smell his musky scent. Yeah, I know I’m getting poetic but Tarren McAlistair is a poem in living form. There was this one time... I looked up and he was looking at me with the strangest expression in his eyes. I had no idea what it meant but it made me feel hot in places I really shouldn’t be getting hot in front of company.

I came over all peculiar and suggested we take a break. Taz followed me to the kitchen to get a coffee and we were chatting about nothing. I turned around from the sink and he was standing in the doorway, leaning on the frame and, I kid you not my friends, he was the hottest thing I have ever seen in the flesh, so to speak. He had his hand on the frame, over his head so that every line of his body was accentuated and he kind of had his head hanging forward to he was looking at me through a curtain of hair.

I almost passed out. There was this feeling in the air between us, talk about chemistry!! I don’t know what came over me. In my defence I can only say it was Bealtinne and I was not in full possession of my senses. Before I knew what I was doing I was across that kitchen and kissing him. Yes, I know... I know it was a stupid thing to do but COME ON guys, I’m only human and he is.... fucking awesome.

And do you want to know the amazing thing, the wild thing, the insane thing? He only kissed me back.... oh YEAH baby.

We stood there, right in the doorway, sucking our faces off and eating tongue pie for god knows how long...long enough for the coffee to go cold. And then... AND THEN... we abandoned the programme and he came home with me.

What a night. What a fucking night!!!!! If I thought he looked good with his clothes on, boy was I not prepared for what he looks like with them off. He is... aaarggh there are no words to describe. He was so sweet, not like Bobbi at all, not controlling and experiences and concerned with technique and appearances. He was soft and sweet and hesitant and unsure. It was almost as if I was his first, maybe I was. We didn’t go all the way but we went far enough. Gods he sent me through the roof.

At first, when we got home, it felt a bit strange. I mean Bobbi is the only man I have ever taken back there... it was our room our bed... hell it was HIS. He owned it, if you know what I mean, just like he owns everything, including, at one point, me. Needless to say he doesn’t own any of it any more. You know I was saying that everything in the house reminds me of Bobbi, well, not any more.

Oh hell... I do this all the time don’t I? I fall in love far too easily but... well this time... this time... *sigh* We didn’t talk much, we were too busy and afterwards too exhausted. I lay and watched him sleep for hours. He is just so beautiful.

On Friday morning everything was awkward and we kind of just danced around each other. Taz was acting weird and I didn’t want to press him, although every time he ducked his head and gave me that ‘what the fuck have I done’ look he drove a nail into my heart.

He was weird all day in work and pretty much avoided me. I didn’t get a chance to speak to him alone and I went home Friday night feeling like crap... to be honest feeling like a fool.

When the phone rang I was in no rush to answer it and, when I did and saw an unfamiliar number I didn’t bother to ring back. When it rang a second time I hesitated, because I didn’t want to speak to anyone, I was too submerged in self pity and misery. I couldn’t believe it when I picked up the phone and heard Taz’s voice on the other side. He sounded... odd but he asked me to meet him for a drink. God I was out of the house so fast I forgot to turn the oven off... fortunately it tripped the circuit when it overheated.

I had never seen Taz out of work before and he was... Breathtaking is a very overrated word but I can honestly tell you that when I walked into that bar and saw him sitting there it was like someone hit me in the belly and drove all the air out of my lungs. I literally couldn’t breathe. He had obviously taken a lot of trouble and, god, was it worth it.

I got a drink and sat down and ... just looked at him. I couldn’t take my eyes of him, and he just sat, with his head down, looking embarrassed and so young and uncertain. He kind of made me feel uncertain too... was I doing the right thing? Was he just too young and naive for me?

And then he looked up and, fuck me, he actually had tears in his eyes. He started to talk and all the words came tumbling out, falling over each other. I had to get a couple of stiff whiskey’s down him before he even started making sense.

It seems like he’s had a couple of bad experiences. His last ‘relationship’, if you could call it that, to me it sounded like pure abuse, did not end well and he hasn’t been near a man for over a year. He had his self confidence knocked so badly he just couldn’t face the rejection any more.

Can you believe it... he actually said that he had been knocked off his feet by me and he tried to seduce me? Seduce ME! And then, when he succeeded he had felt... scared. He was actually scared that he had made a fool of himself. I mean the cutest thing on two legs and he was afraid I would mock him.

He wouldn’t listen of course. I told him that he is the most incredible person I have ever met, that he looks good enough to eat and that, as a lover I would give him a good 50 out of 10 in any ranking scale. But he wouldn’t listen. He just kept looking at me with those wide eyes, tearful and afraid. Fuck me but by the end of it he was actually shaking. Mind you, that could have been the whiskey, he had knocked back quite a few more by then.

In the end I took him home...mine that it. Yeah, I know I was taking advantage of him but at that point I didn’t care. He was too pissed to do anything so I put him to bed and sat there all night just staring at him, stroking his hair and talking to him. Crazy I know, but that’s what this kid does to me. Turns out he’s not as young as he looks, only a year younger than me, so I didn’t feel so bad about that.

We had an amazing weekend. Saturday we spent the whole day in bed... and no, we didn’t spend it all screwing. We talked. All day we talked and cuddled and he cried and I comforted him and.. yeah, ok we had amazing sex. The same thing happened Sunday and by the time I took him home Sunday night I was completely, hopelessly, scarily in love.

I couldn’t stop smiling all day today, and neither could he. It was great. We were like kids. I have never been so happy in work.

So there you have it. This sad loser has hit the motherlode. I am in love with the most amazing person in the history of the word ever and he s in love with me... at least that’s what he says and I am not about to call him a liar.

Life’s good guys. Woo Hoo.

JOES’S BLOG: MAY 14 2008: 20.50

Wow! Things are just getting better and better. Did I mention that I’m in love? Did I mention that Taz is fucking awesomely amazing. Sorry I haven’t been around much but I’ve been kind of tied up. *wink*

Trying to get Taz to sign up so I can introduce him to you guys. He says he has enough of computers during the day and doesn’t want to spend half his evenings bent over a terminal as well. Personally I get hot at the thought of him bent over a terminal, but that’s me.

JOE’S BLOG: May 21 2008: 22.45

Why does life keep throwing me these curved balls? Just when everything is going so well, better than it has... well forever... it’s only ever a moment away from all turning to shit again.

Things have been so great between Taz and me. I mean really great. He is so sweet and gentle, so thoughtful and kind and loving and so, so goddamned beautiful.

I really thought that this was it, my forever man. I couldn’t see anything that could get between us, that could spoil what we have. I know it’s only been a couple of weeks but I prepared to swear that we would be together forever.

Only... suddenly, suddenly there is something coming between us. I don’t know what it is but it scares me. There are things that keep cropping up. Times when he isn’t around, when he doesn’t answer his phone or when he can’t see my but won’t say why. There are little things, all the time. I don’t know. It’s like there are parts of his life that are closed to me, that he keeps secret and sometimes they intrude and he goes weird and closes down and won’t talk to me.

I know that he is entitled to his privacy, to have a life separate from me but... it feels.... I don’t know. I am afraid. I am so afraid. It’s as if I can’t quite accept that someone as wonderful as Taz is in my life and I am so afraid of losing him that I am just looking for signs, for reasons. I am so tired of it but I just can’t stop myself. And yes, I have tried to talk to him about it but he just won’t go there, he closes down straight away.

I know that I am being foolish over this, I know it.... but that’s what Taz does to me.

JOE’S BLOG : MAY 23 2008: 22.45

I am officially in hell. I was round at Taz’s place after work today and I found... well okay, I admit I was searching around a little... and I found his phone bill. I checked it out to see how many times my number figured and there was another one he called more. I got curious and made a note of it. Later I checked his phone and found it was some girl called Siani. I went a little nuts and we had this huge arguement. I stormed out and here I am... in hell.

I know I was wrong to look... for so many reasons, and I know I shouldn’t have said anything but I can’t keep anything from him. I just look into his eyes and I have to come out with it. I have never seen anyone look so hurt, so.... Dammit he’s the one who’s been keeping things from me. He’s the one who has been keeping secrets. He’s the one who has been phoning some dumb girl every day. He’s the one.... so why am I feeling so guilty for being responsible for that look in his eyes?

I’m through with love. It sucks big time.

JOE’S BLOG: MAY 30 2008: 19.50

Well, got hit right in the face by another of those curved balls... and this one was a shocker. I just couldn’t handle seeing Taz looking so hurt and confused. I could tell all day at work yesterday that he was suffering and in the end I couldn’t bear it any more. He kept sending me these looks... really sad and hurt and in the end it broke me down.

We went out for a drink after work and we talked. It transpires that he does have a secret... a huge secret but it isn’t what I was expecting. He’s not cheating guys, not seeing someone behind my back... well he is but it isn’t who I was expecting.

The thing is... the fucking crazy thing is.... Taz is a dad. He has a son. Five years old and cute as candy from the photos he showed me. Siani is the mother and he rings every day to speak to Josh. Yeah, I know. You could have knocked me down with a feather. I felt so bad, so guilty for having doubted him and forcing him into this situation. He had tears in his eyes when he was telling me abut it.

It seems that Taz grew up in foster care and children’s homes. When he was fifteen he met a girl in the children’s home where he was living at the time. They were both pretty angry with the world, with life and they turned to each other. One thing led to another and she had a kid. They were both sixteen and she was moved to another home and they lost touch. Just about drove him crazy.

A couple of years later, out of the blue he got a call from Siani. She had a place of her own by then, a job, a husband... but she had always felt bad for having denied Taz the chance of knowing Josh and vice versa. It turns out they weren’t living that far from each other. Taz started seeing Josh and it’s gone on from there.

He absolutely adores him and gets on pretty well with Siani, even more so since he accepted he is gay because he isn’t a threat any more. He seems to have a great relationship with both of them... that is Siani and her husband... he clearly has a great relationship with Josh. So there you are. Fuck.

Seems like I am going to be an ‘uncle’. Scarey thought. I have never had to share a bf with another man before  Hehe.

Seems like you were right Nikki. I should have known, you usually are. In future I am just going to have to learn to trust. On the other hand this has all turned out so well I am finding it hard to regret what I did. Taz must have been in hell.... keeping Josh secret, worrying how I would react when I found out, hating to sneak around behind my back... and he was under pressure from Siani to tell me. It’s so much better now. Our relationship has changed completely. Everything is more open, more intense.

Oh God, I am falling in love. I am falling so hard and so fast I can barely handle it. Every day he does something that surprises me, every day he gets cuter, ever day he gets sweeter. Everyone loves him and it’s not surprising. He’s amazing. I know I keep on about it but it’s so freaking incredible. After Bobbi I had kind of lost faith... in men, in love.... and here I am. I can barely believe my luck.

I am so looking forward to The Gathering this year. Taz is a little nervous about it but he says he’ll come with me. I can’t wait to see all of you... and to see your faces when you get to see him. I will be the one with the smug expression because he’s mine, mine, mine.

JOE’S BLOG: JUNE 9 2008: 21.30

WOW! What a weekend. Guess what I have been up to... nah you won’t, not ever. I have been getting to know a completely awesome little man. His name is Josh and he is five and he is every bit as cute as his dad.

Taz took me over to Siani’s on Saturday to introduce us. We spent a couple of hours together, getting to know each other and we really got on well. We went to this pub for lunch and it had an activity centre kind of thing... with ball pools and slides and nets and all sorts of weird things. You should have seen Taz. He reverted to childhood and played like a kid, crawling through tunnels, climbing ropes...he’s pretty limber.

One of the attendants came to tell him off because the equipment was only supposed to be for under twelve’s and he turned on the charm, fluttered his eyelashes and before you know it the guy is on there with him. Josh ate it up... he was so proud and I think Siani was too... I know I was.

I got to talk to Siani while Taz was fooling about and she told me some things about him, when he was young. She didn’t have a bad word to say... well a couple but I am keeping those to myself for later blackmailing purposes.

On Saturday evening we brought Josh back to Taz’s flat... he has his own bedroom there, and we had the most fun ever. Taz is so natural with him and Josh so clearly adores him. When Taz took Josh up to bed, he gave me a kiss (Josh that is) and he was so sleepy and smelled of soap. I fell in love with him, I couldn’t help it. And then when Taz didn’t come down for ages I went up and he had fallen asleep reading to Josh. He was lying on the bed and Josh had his arm around him and they were both fast asleep. It was the cutest thing I have ever seen.

Sunday morning we went for a walk in the park and played football. Josh is so full of energy... like his dad. I had the most fun I have had in ages. We had a picnic for lunch and Josh got completely fascinated by some ants that came to investigate. He and Taz watched them for ages. Taz knows an amazing about of stuff and he was telling Josh all about ants. I, of course wasn’t watching the ants, I was watching Taz and just fell even deeper. I felt as if my heart was so full it just couldn’t hold any more and it would burst, or split or something, but it didn’t and we got Josh safely home.

Last night was the sweetest night I have ever had. We took some wine out into the garden and I sat with the most perfect man in the whole world in my arms, and the stars like jewels above us. We talked about... everything. We found out that we have both always wanted to travel but never got the opportunity so, next year, in the spring, we are going to take a month of work, pool our savings and go travelling. It was wonderful to see how excited he got. I felt so... so... special to be able to bring that look into his eyes. When he tilted his head back and looked up at me his eyes were brighter than any of the stars.

There I go being poetic again. I guess he just brings out the best in me... or the worst...whatever. 

JOE’S BLOG: June 15 2008: 22.45

Sorry I have been neglecting you guys. Things have been really busy. Work is crazy... we have new customers and new programmes to develop. Taz and I are rushed off our feet. We have been working late most nights and he hasn’t been home in a week.

In between the work we have been planning our trip. I can’t believe how excited I am. I know it’s not going to be for another six months but we have been looking at travel brochures. A different country every night, and making a pile of the places we both want to go to. When we’ve been through all of them we are going to narrow it down to half a dozen and then find out as much as we possibly can about each one of them.

Taz suggested that we try to learn at least a few basic phrases in the languages of all the countries we are going to... hmm.. not so sure about that. I mean he already speaks four languages fluently, and that doesn’t count computer code, but me... I never got to grips with French and I didn’t get past the first term of German. He’s been trying to teach me some phrases in Italian and French and we have post it’s all over the house. He is being so cute about it that I am trying, really trying but not too sure how well it will turn out.

Oh, and we’re going to the seaside for a week in the Summer holidays and Josh is coming with us. Apparently Taz takes him every year. You know, I’m almost as excited about that as about our epic journey. I can’t wait to build sandcastles and stand, holding hands, staring out over the ocean. I have always loved the sea. Bobbi was never really interested, to be honest he wasn’t interested in anything much that wasn’t directly feeding into his self esteem.

I tried to get Bobbi to walk on the cliffs I don’t know how many times. These days I wouldn’t do it because the temptation to throw him off would be too great. I didn’t have to try too hard with Taz. He is well up for it. I can’t wait.

JOE’S BLOG: JUNE 25 2008: 21.50

Phew! What a time, what a time? I have been negligent again haven’t I but, in my defence I have been busy and... I have news.

Taz has moved in with me! Yeah, I know.... amazing. Well, he was spending less and less time at home and in the end he was only going there to pick up stuff or if Josh stayed over. So we decorated one of the spare rooms for Josh and, last weekend moved all his stuff in. It’s been intense. Really intense.

I know that you guys are going to say it’s too soon and I would too if it was one of you but it feels so right. It wasn’t even as though we stressed over the decision. It wasn’t a big thing like it was with Bobbi, it was completely natural, utterly right. One night we were sitting in the garden and Taz was whinging about having to go home and... well I just looked him in the eyes and said... you don’t have to go home, you don’t have to go anywhere... this could be your home.

For the longest moment he just looked at me but I wasn’t scared, I had no doubt what he would say and, in the end he just smiled, shrugged and said... Ok.

The next day we called round at Siani’s and talked to Josh and he was more than happy with it. We talked to him about how he wanted his room and then spent four days decorating and moving his stuff in...and then we moved Taz’s stuff and....voila... we’re a proper couple, living together and everything.

Life is so good. And only 3 days to The Gathering. I’m really looking forward to it. Taz hasn’t been too well, a miserable throat virus... he’s been croaking at me all day. He could do with something to pick him up again. He’s fast asleep right now, bless him, I’m looking down on him while I’m typing and I just can’t keep my hands of him. He’s smiling and I bet he’s not asleep at all. As soon as I finish typing this I am going to do a Snow White on him. I am so excited... about life, the universe and everything.

JOES’S BLOG: JUNE 27 2008: 22.30

Well, we’re all set and ready to go. Taz seems better today, at least he can speak which is a good thing. I have been dosing him on whatever meds I can get my hands on and force feeding him jelly and ice cream so he’ll probably be tranked and fat but still good enough to eat.

We’re both VERY excited and just can’t wait. I didn’t sleep much last night. One minute I was excited and the next terrified. I am always like that when I’m meeting someone new for the first time... and there are so many of you. I have had pictures of you in my head for so long and now I am going to get to see the real thing. It’s scary, but exciting. I hope you won’t be too disappointed in me. I KNOW you won’t be disappointed in Taz.

He’s not nervous at all, he never is. He seems to take everything in his stride, the good and the bad. He is good for me, a stabilising influence. It’s only now, with him, that I realise what a mess I have been over the last couple of years. Bobbi was bad for me, and not just because he cheated. I needed someone who was calm and stable, someone I could trust, lean on. I was in bits after my parents died and I needed someone I could talk to and cry on. Bobbi never gave me that, he was too wrapped up in his own shit.

I’ve come further in the last couple of months with Taz than I did in three years with Bobbi. I never thought I would say this but Bobbi leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me. Thanks Dude!!

See you tomorrow everyone.

JOE’S BLOG: JUNE 29 2008: 23.00

It was so amazing to get to meet you all. I am sorry that I didn’t post this last night, I meant to but we were both exhausted when we got home. Taz slept the whole way in the car and I had a devil of a job to wake him and get him inside. You wore him out ... you bad.

I can’t believe how wrong I was in some of my imaginings about you lot. You are all so hot... wow. Just as well I met Taz when I did.

Taz loved you and hasn’t been able to stop talking about you all today. It took it out of him though, the trip. He’s slept all day. I don’t think that virus has quite gone. He’s got an appointment with the doctor tomorrow but there’s not really anything they can do with a virus... just have to wait it out.

I am so sorry about what happened with you and Jay, Luke. It was a hell of a fight. I hope you got it all sorted out. I’m sure it must have been difficult for you to keep cheerful after he stormed off. You did a great job.

Sean... you are adorable. If I wasn’t with Taz I would have stolen you away right there and then. I can’t believe you are still single. The guys were you live must be all deaf and blind. You have such an amazingly sexy voice...what IS that accent... just a hint but OMG how sexy. And your eyes... woohoo. I looked into my crystal ball and predict you won’t be single for long. There was A LOT of attention coming your way.

The rest of you were pretty much exactly as I had imagined you. Nikki and Alex, you guys are made for each other. Nikki you are an absolute saint.... you should worship him Alex, he’s the only one who would put up with you... you are a TERRIBLE FLIRT.

Anyway, my angel is snuggling up to me looking so tired, but still good enough to eat... so I had better go eat him before he passes out. Lots of love and kisses.

JOE’S BLOG: JUNE 30 2008: 17.45

OMG! Those curved balls just keep on coming. What have I done to deserve this? Just when everything was going so well. Oh God! Oh God! I am in a state. I don’t know what to do.

Calm down Joe and talk sense. Oh God this is hard. I went to work this morning, after a GREAT night, if you know what I mean. Taz was going to the doctor’s appointment and I didn’t think anything of it until it was getting on for lunchtime and he still hadn’t shown for work.

I started to get a bit worried and I called him. He sounded really weird but he said he was okay and he’d be there soon. Told me he couldn’t talk right then. I was slightly miffed to be honest and curious but... hey, I’ve learned my lesson when it comes to Taz and his secrets.

And then... then... It was about three o’clock and Taz called. I didn’t take the call because I was being bollocked by Roach at the time and so I rang him back about ten minutes later. He was crying and... I thought at first that something had happened, you know an accident or something and I went a bit crazy. In the end it was he who had to calm me down enough to listen to what he had to say.

It seems that when he went to the doctors this morning they were worried about some things and they sent him straight to the hospital for some tests. When he rang me they had just told him they wanted to admit him and he was panicking. Well... I panicked too. I dropped everything and just walked out. I went straight to the hospital and by the time I got there they had actually fucking admitted him.

We talked to this doctor who said that they think he has something wrong with his heart. They think it could be the virus. They’re doing more tests as we speak and I am frigging FREAKING OUT. I am all alone in this room, with no one telling me what’s going on and it’s been over an hour and I just want him to be here. I want him to be okay.

FUCK What am I going to do if something happens to him? What am I going to do?

JOE’S BLOG: JUNE 30 2008: 21.15

Ah shit man! What a fucking day. I’m sitting here, at home, all alone, thinking... what the hell? They made me come home. They said there was nothing I could do there. Well, maybe so, but I could have BEEN there. No chance of sleep tonight.

I wanted to stay, oh God I wanted to stay. They said...what’s the use of just sitting there watching him sleep? Have they ever done that? Have they ever watched the cute way his eyelashes flutter when he’s dreaming, got lost in that beautiful face and found that hours have passed? Have they ever stroked his face and smiled at the way he murmurs and snuggled into your hand? I have.

I’m at least allowed to go back first thing in the morning. I can’t bear to be away from him. If I thought the house seemed empty before, how much more so now? I keep picking up his things and just holding them, smelling his scent on his clothes.... I called Siani and she asked me if I wanted to go stay there tonight, but I need to be on my own..... apart from your guys of course.

I’m scared guys, scared. I feel dead inside... lost. He is the better part of me, my safety, my security. Without him I have nothing.

JOE’S BLOG: JULY 1 2008: 12.18

Don’t worry Luke. We all deal with things in our own way. No offence taken. I read your comments to Taz and it made him smile so... no worries.

I’m stuck here waiting again. They’ve taken him for more tests, been gone most of the morning. They think that the virus damaged a valve in his heart . They’ve been talking surgery and all sorts. I can’t believe how calm he is. He just seems to take it all in his stride and HE’S reassuring ME... can you believe it. He’s so strong. I’m just falling apart and he’s always smiling.

The nurses are all in love with him... of course. They keep coming in to check on him and I’m sure it’s more than they actually need to. One of them, this wicked hippy type says she’s coming in for her dose of sunshine and he is like that. He’s like sunshine on a dark day. It’s such a dark day.

I’m so tired. I didn’t get any sleep last night. I couldn’t wait to get here this morning. I didn’t care that we was still asleep. I just sat here and drank him in until he woke up and it was like the sun rising. He’s just the same. He doesn’t actually seem to be ill. In fact he seems better than he’s been. It’s hard to believe what’s going on.

They’ve got him hooked up to all sorts of machines and I hate it. I hate to have to sit here and listen to them and worry about what I am going to do if they go bad. It’s like a bad movie. I keep expecting to hear that sound, you know... like in the movies when someone dies.... I keep.... But no... I have to stop thinking that way. Taz gets cross with me ... and he always knows. He can read me like a book.

I feel so alone. I am in a building full of hundreds, maybe thousands of people and it seems as if the only ones who exist in the whole world are me and Taz... and now he’s not here so it’s only me.

Thanks for the call last night Nikki and Alex. It meant a lot to me. I think I might have gone insane if I hadn’t spoken to you. You really calmed me down. You guys are great.

JOE’S BLOG: JULY 1 2008: 23.45

You guys are the best! I couldn’t believe it when you walked in. You could have knocked me down with a feather. I still can’t believe that you all took time out of your lives to actually come down. I’m sorry that nurse was so aggressive, she’s kind of protective of ... well both of us I suppose and there were quite a crowd of you.

Taz says he’s sorry he wasn’t more sociable. He’d got sedated for some of the tests and wasn’t really on the same planet. He was really pleased though. He didn’t stop talking about it all evening.

I’ve just got home and I actually think I might get some sleep tonight. I’m exhausted. It’s looking a bit brighter tonight. They’ve started him on some drugs that they think might fix things without needing surgery. Taz is delighted. They keep warning him not to get his hopes up too high but he was in his indestructible mode.

We talked about the trip and we’re thinking of brining it forward to the Autumn. Taz is going to need something to keep his mind occupied and, when he comes out of the hospital he can keep busy with planning everything. It will do him good.

I am going to leave the laptop with him tomorrow, have to go into work for a couple of hours to troubleshoot. He’s going to do some research. I think it will pick him up a lot because he’s really bored at the moment. Yeah... I know... wouldn’t believe it would you, with all this going on, with me like a crazy man around the place...he’s actually bored.

Anyway, thanks again. We both really appreciated it.

JOE’S BLOG: JULY 2 2008: 10.20

Hey guys. It’s me, Taz. Joe left me the laptop so I thought I would take a minute to say my own thank you for yesterday. I know I was a bit off planet but I really did appreciate the visit.

While I remember... when are you going to wake up and smell the coffee Luke? Are you really so blind? I know you have just come out of a bad relationship but don’t miss out on something good, something that’s right in front of your face because you’re too scared to see it.

Feeling like shit today but I’m told that’s normal with the drugs they’re pushing on me so trying not to let it get me down too much. The worst thing is that they won’t let me get out of bed because of all the wires and such. I am bored and stiff and sore and fed up.

It feels lonely here without Joe but I think it will do him good to go to work, be normal for a couple of hours. He’s looking so tired. I feel bad about that but there’s not much I can do about it. I’m really trying hard to get better as quickly as I can so that we can go home and I can make sure he gets some rest.

I’ve been trawling through some travel sites but I’m bored with that now. Actually I’m quite tired so I think I’ll try and get some sleep... have to look my best when my man comes calling.

Thanks again for thinking of us.

JOE’S BLOG: JULY 2 2008: 13.13

Hi, it’s me again. Joe’s got caught in work and I am bored, bored, bored. Feeling better but that just makes the frustration more acute.

Actually I am engaging in illicit activity. I have been told not to use wi fi in here as it interferes with the medical equipment. I mean, come on... techie here. I tried to explain that it's rubbish. I even looked it up on the internet but.... just between you and me I found that some GPRS and RNID signals do interfere so I resorted to lies.

Most of the nurses are completely untechnical so I just tell them that the dongle is a memory stick and I’m writing a novel. I’ve made up characters and everything. That’s the thing about lies isn’t it? They keep having to get more and more involved to stay believable. Ah well, if nothing else this experience is teaching me to be a better liar.

I have been doing some ‘epic trip’ research. I have found some amazing places and I have posted some pictures on the forum. Take a look and just imagine me and Joe in our shorts on that beach looking out over the sea. I would like to say we will be thinking of you but somehow I doubt it. More likely we will be thinking of getting off the beach and into our hotel room for more sweet, sweet loving.

Thanks for the heads up about Bali. It's amazing... as you will see from the fact that most of the photos are from there. I have been looking up the language and Balinese is really beautiful. Guess I have no chance of persuading Joe to learn any.... which is okay... looks like I will be having plenty of time to learn enough for both of us.

Thinking of splitting the trip in two.... one half for sheer beauty... in which Bali is winning hands down... and one half for adventure/mind broadening. I have always wanted to go to Rome... see the Coliseum and baths. I fancy a bit of Renaissance investigation in Italy too... can just see me and Joe on a gondola.

I’m rambling now... all excited, lit up like a candle. The nurse is going to be complaining about my blood pressure rising, so I had better take a break. Come to think of it I’m tired now, really tired.

Take care of Joe.

JOES’S BLOG: JULY 3 2008: 23.49

Thanks for the calls. Sorry I haven’t answered. I’m just... I feel.... Yeah.

JOE’S BLOG: JULY 15 2008: 15.30

I’m sorry I haven’t been around. I wanted to... I know I should have... but... well, it’s taken me a long time to even be able to bear to sit at a computer again. Every time I look at a screen I feel him looking over my shoulder.

It was such a shock. He was so cheerful when I left him that morning. I gave him the laptop and told him that he really wasn’t supposed to be using the wifi and he looked like a naughty schoolboy. He rang me at lunchtime (yeah he smuggled in his mobile too) and he was so full of the holiday. He wanted me to learn bloody Balinese would you believe? Well, yeah you would... you’ve seen the posts.

I’ve only just read them... I couldn’t.... Oh God! Why? Why did this happen? Why, when he was getting better, when he was so full of life, so happy, so excited... why did he have to...?

I got a call at about half past one, less than half an hour after I spoke to him. They said... they said that... that Taz had taken a turn for the worse and I should get there as soon as I could. And I tried... I really tried. I dropped everything and just ran. I broke every speed limit and it’s a miracle I made it alive. But I was too late. I tried so hard but I was too late.

They said his heart failed... just stopped. Maybe it was all the excitement. They said that it was very sudden and quick, that he probably didn’t even know it was happening. They said they did everything they could... and I’m sure they did. But I wasn’t there. He died all alone when I wasn’t there.

I want to thank you all for coming to the service. I really appreciate it, and I’m sure that Taz would have too. Having read his posts I know that he would have been really happy to see you two together at last Sean and Luke. He had a knack of knowing when people are right for each other.

I couldn’t believe how many people were there. I didn’t know Taz had so many friends. Siani looked beautiful and Josh... I’m so glad she let him be there. It must have been hard for him but he got to say goodbye to his dad. There were so many flowers, everywhere.... so bright and colourful... just like him. I put the picture of Bali on the coffin because that’s where he was going, where his mind was.

I’ve decided to take the trip... for both of us. I’ve quit my job and put the house on the market.... I’m leaving it in the hands of agents. I just can’t bear to be in it any more. I know we didn’t live together for long but the house is so full of him, far more than it ever was of Bobbi. I can’t deal with it.... I just... can’t....

So I’m staying in a hotel for a couple of days until the final arrangements are made and then I’m off to Bali on Saturday. I feel somehow that I owe it to him, that if I take the trip, somehow he will be there with me, somehow his spirit will be free.

I won’t be in touch for a while because I am not taking the laptop with me. It’s part of the.... I don’t know... the quest I suppose....to do it without technology. I’ll let you know how it went when I come back. I hope by then I will be more.... I hope I will be.

Thank you again.

JOE’S BLOG: FINAL ENTRY: JULY 19 2008: 06.15

I’m on my way. The adventure of a lifetime hey!? See you on the other side.

IN MEMORY OF TARREN MCALISTAIR

2^nd FEBRUARY 1987 – 2^nd JULY 2008

There is no way to express how I feel. I miss you is so inadequate. I feel you with me all the time and I know you will be with me every step of the way on this, our last great adventure together.

I have known you such a short time but that was the only time in my life when I was ever truly alive.

I have spoken to Siani and she has told me that I can still be a part of Josh’s life so I can take care of him for you. I promise you that. No matter where I go or what I do I will make sure that Josh is okay. Allan is a good man and will be a good father to him but I will make sure that there is always someone who will keep you alive for him, and I will die before I let him be hurt... by anyone... ever.

I will walk on the beach and watch the sun set, just like your sun has set. And I will walk on the beach and watch the sun rise. Your smile has always been the rising of the sun for me and every time I see it I will think of that smile, the one you saved just for me. I would give anything to see that smile again.

There is so much I can say but there is little that you don’t already know so I will just say this: I love you Taz. I will always love you and I will miss you until I take my last breath. When life throws those curved balls at me, with you at my back I will just hit them straight back... right into the heart of the sun... where you are.

Goodnight my love.

© 2009 Nephylim

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