Lessons In Life - 2. Chapter 2

I don’t like you. The words rang in my ears and reverberated inside my head. A small ache in my heart threatened to worsen. So this is how it feels? I used the words a lot of times to a great deal of people without any regard to their feelings. Is this karma? If I knew then how much they hurt, would I had said them?

I turned around and faced him, pretending that the indifference on his face had no effect on me. “Understood. There’s nothing I can do about it though so... I think it’d better if I don’t bother you anymore. I can go to town by myself. If I can ask just one favor, would you mind pointing out its general direction? Don’t worry, I’m not gonna runaway. There’s nowhere to run to anyway.”

His expression changed and I saw compassion settle in his eyes. I met his gaze with mustered rebelliousness, but the intensity of his pity made me avert my eyes. Unsure what to do, I showed my back to him and let my feet take me to nowhere in particular. When was the last time someone look at me and really see me?

From the corner of my eyes, I spied him catching up to me. We didn’t say anything, but we didn’t stop walking either. He would look at me from time to time, noticed him open his mouth only to change his mind and close them again. After the fifth time, he shook himself vigorously.

He cleared his throat. “Look, I’m sorry for what I said. You just... Anyway, I’d like to go with you to town. Not because I don’t trust you, I just thought you might want some company since you’re new.”

“Really, Sir, you don’t have to.” I spotted a rock on the unpaved road and I kicked it as I passed by. “I’ll be fine on my own. Don’t trouble yourself, Sir.”

He quickened his steps and stood in front of me. I tried to avoid him, but he placed a hand on my shoulder to prevent me. “Clive, can we talk, please?”

“I’m not gonna apologize for what I did.” The force of my voice made him step back. “Just leave me alone.”

Wanting to stop me from walking away, he wrapped his arms around me. I squirmed from his embrace, trying to free myself. After a while, I stopped, doubtful whether it was because he wouldn’t let go of me or I didn’t want him to.

A sigh escaped him and his breath brushed against my neck and shoulder. “Ok, just to clarify, I’m not asking you to apologize. What I want is to explain my attitude toward you.”

Tentatively, he let go of me, but his body tensed, ready to bolt should I decide to run. I thought about it, but the prospect of getting to know him kept me rooted on the spot I stood on. After some time, his body relaxed.

“For starters, can we go in the other direction? The town is that way.” With his index finger, he pointed at somewhere behind me.

I could feel his eyes on me, trying to discern what I would do next. The mix of emotions which raged within me clouded my judgment. It would be better for me to just walk away, forget about this guy and move on with my life. After all, there were plenty of guys in school that I could victimize. But I couldn’t deny the allure of the guy standing in front of me. With a sigh and a shake of my head, I walked toward the opposite direction.

For a while, we walked in silence. The verdant surroundings made me homesick for the city life I was used to. But as I allowed myself to enjoy the scenery, I felt a sense of serenity which lightened my mood.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” His voice held a note of nostalgia.

“Yeah.” My eyes took in the snow-capped mountain in the distance. “Do you live around here, Sir?”

He flinched when I called him ‘Sir.’

“I live in town.” With a sideways glance at me, he added, “Clive, would you mind calling me Philip when we’re not in school? I’m not that old you know.”

I felt a smile on my face. “Sure thing, Phil. How old are you exactly? I’ll be twenty-one in a couple of months.”

“I’m twenty-five.” He matched my strides without paying any attention at me. Something bothered him, that was certain.

I waited for him to say more, but he lapsed into silence. “You look younger than twenty-five, probably the reason why I thought you were a student. Why didn’t you mention you’re a professor yesterday? We wouldn’t be in this mess if you said you were in the first place.”

“I... don’t know.” His voice betrayed the confusion he wanted to hide.

“Are you sure?” My gaze lingered on his face and I watched as he bit his lips unconsciously. “Never mind. But you wanted to explain something to me?”

The town loomed in a corner, but Phil stopped in his tracks. “Ok. Is it alright if we sit down?”

Together, we moved toward a wooden bench and sat down side by side. A gust of wind went by and I raised an arm to protect myself against it. When it passed, the ground was littered with dead leaves of various colors. The artist in me wanted to recreate the scene I beheld.

Reluctantly, I focused my attention on the guy sitting next to me. He was oblivious to those around him, especially to me. I opened my mouth to say something, but he beat me to it.

“Did you know that I studied in that school too?” His gaze was on the horizon where my school was barely visible.

Shaking my head, I imagined a younger Phil frolicking in school and the thought made me smile. When I turned to him, he gaped at me with so much passion that all I could do was blush. He noticed the blush and surprise crossed his face before he looked away.

“You look a lot like him.”

A part of me knew that this was the explanation he mentioned earlier. I wondered who I reminded him of. Judging from his reaction toward me, that person did something bad to him. Perhaps he saw that guy in me because he sensed the same malice hidden within my deceitful facade?

Pushing aside the thought of leaving, I put on a friendly smile for him. “Someone you like?”

“Yes. A... friend.” He sounded a little doubtful. “That was a long time ago, back when I was still a student in your school. I guess that’s why memories of him came back to me when I saw you.”

“Well now I find your attitude toward me as unfair.” I didn’t mask the incredulity in my voice. “You like that guy, but you dislike me. How come?”

He drained his lungs of air. “Sorry. You’re right, I’m not being fair. That’s why I want to explain myself, make you understand. I’m letting my personal bias prevent me from dealing with you with equality.”

Uncertain of what to do, I didn’t say anything. Although he appeared to be lost in his thoughts, I patiently waited for him to say more.

“He’s an American like you. Same gray eyes, short chestnut hair, build and height. You even have the same gait. We were classmates back then. I was... drawn to him. We became close, but in the end, he just played me.” Phil looked at me and the hurt in his eyes shocked me.

How is it possible that I feel hatred toward a guy I don’t know when my intention toward Phil is the same? I ignored my conscience nagging at me to forget what I had planned for Phil. Why should I start now when I didn’t listen to it in the past? “Phil, are you gay?”

If my question shocked him, he didn’t show it. I had an inkling he was, but I needed to hear him say it. My plan of seducing him would work better if he was gay. Holding him might have a negative effect so I fought the urge although every cell in my body wanted to.

“Yes,” he said in barely a whisper.

Things were all going in my favor. The fact he disliked that other American was a minor clink in my plan. Now that I know he’s gay, it’s easier to make him fall for me. “You said I look like him, but I’m not him and I’m not like him. I’d never do such a thing. If you give me a chance, I’d like to be your... friend.”

He looked at me with a confused expression on his face. Does he suspect anything? Surely not. “Look, you said you wanted to treat me fairly. Just let me prove myself and I promise you won’t get hurt.”

His expression changed into shame and I knew he had made up his mind to give me a chance. “We can be friends, but nothing more. I’m still your teacher.”

I noticed his sense of decency, but I didn’t care for it. “I understand. Just out of curiosity, what subject do you teach?”

“Literary writing.” He stood up. “Let’s go. You have a lot of stuff to buy.”

He walked in front of me while I trailed behind, my mind busy with plans on how I could get us indoors, just the two of us. I smiled when I thought of a good idea. “Phil, do the shops close for lunch?”

“Unfortunately yes so we have to hurry if you want to be finished before that time. Don’t worry, I think we have ample time.”

Not if I can help it.

We arrived in town and I was struck by the simplicity of it. Up front and easily accessible were the shops which were small and shabby-looking. The alleys provided entry to houses at the rear.

Phil escorted me to the first shop, a bookstore. Even though the books I needed were listed in a piece of paper, I took my time gathering them. I leafed through each books and pretended to read. When I had collected all the books on the list, I skimmed through others which caught my fancy. If Phil caught on with my delaying tactics, he didn’t show it.

After an hour in the bookstore, we stepped out laden with paper bags full of books. I looked at my wristwatch then turned to Phil. “Hey, it’s almost lunch. Can we still make it?”

He shrugged. “Probably not. I had no idea you were that interested in books. It came as a surprise, but your enthusiasm was impressive. At least I’m impressed.”

His warm smile started a fire within me and I felt myself wanting him more. The need was so great, I knew it was time for me to make my move. “I’m starving. Is it ok if we go get lunch?”

“Sure. I’d recommend the bar to your left. Food’s great and the ambience is conducive for eating. It’s one of my favorites.” He was friendlier at me than before. His smile seemed more natural and the discomfort on his body movements vanished.

“Good, I wanna try that. But,” I put on an embarrassed smile for him, “can we take out the food instead? I was hoping to get a tour of your place.”

Suspicion emanated from him and the force of his gaze could have made the faint of heart falter, but I kept my cool. “Look, you’re my professor and on top of that, older than me so you’re in control. I’d rather eat at your place anyway than in a half-empty bar full of people who likes to gossip.”

I knew I got the message across when he made his way to the bar without a word.