His True Colors - 1. Chapter 1: The Prelude

His True Colors

Chapter 1:The Prelude

It’s truly an odd feeling, not remembering the past. My life had changed, and definitely for the worse. But, I can’t remember much before five years ago. It’s there, but it’s a distant memory, faded and blurred to the point where it’s just a few images here and there. Sadly enough, I can clearly remember when I was four, because I said to this kid in my class: “I’m four!!!!” That’s because I just cannot imagine myself different from the way I am now. I can’t remember being happy. I can’t remember joy. Inside, I just feel…Broken…..

My name is Kayden Jones, I like to be called Kade, Kayden sounds so mushy like a puppy or something…eh. I just turned fifteen, so yay! I have been depressed for five years! You see I moved to Michigan five years ago from Illinois due to my Dad’s company being absorbed by a larger one. He is a pharmaceutical scientist, so now we have decent money. But for the nice house, (We are not rich, mind you!) I still felt hollow. The material possessions briefly satisfied me, but the hard, cold truth would eventually settle in, that I Kade, was nothing but a pathetic loser doomed to fail in life. No one could ever like me, let alone love me. Perhaps my parents do, but it hasn’t helped one bit. My mother is bipolar or something. She can be the sweetest thing in the world, but then she can turn and stab you in the back, shocking you, crushing you and enraging you all at once. My dad? He is boring. All he cares about is work, school and education. It’s not bad, but I try to escape from such monotony in life. My parents lately have always been disappointed in me since we moved here. Moving here took everything from me. I didn’t have friends back in Illinois, but I didn’t know it, I was blissfully unaware of myself. We had lots of family friends, so I thought everything was fine and dandy, I didn’t think much of anything to be honest. That’s why I can’t remember anything past five years ago. All these emotions, this pain, the suffering that I never felt before, and it occurs so much that it has become who I am now, and forever.

I just want a friend more than anything else, Hell I want a best friend! I want someone who will love me, and make me feel good inside. Sounds so childish eh? Deep down, I feel that I am just a baby wailing for love and attention. In fact, I sometimes fantasize about being a baby. So squishy and cute, everyone would pinch my chubby cheeks and squeeze me! I was so cute, and so adorable! Kade Jones looked his own personal best at the studly age of ONE! After that it was all down hill…

I have extremely blond hair, it could even be called golden-yellow at times…., I am however very proud of my most precious feature….My eyes! I have heterochromia, meaning I have two different eye colors! My left eye is green and my right eye is blue. It gives me hope you know, that maybe I will stop being so ugly when puberty is done ravishing my body. My skin is the typical white boy of America, but with a little more glow to it. However, my body was horrible. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get muscle. I was a skinny scrawny little brat. I wasn’t skinny to the point where my ribs were popping out, but I still felt shame. My eyesight unfortunately wasn’t the best, so I wore glasses, I really wanted contacts, but my eye-doctor told me to wait a bit longer, due to the changes in my body…pfft. So really the only people who notice my eyes are lady teachers, and that always makes me embarrassed. Why do my glasses make my eyes unnoticeable to most people? To top it off I haven’t really you know, hit *it*. I’ve gotten perhaps like traces of puberty in occasional acne, but since I’m a man possessed when it comes to my skin, those usually go away. But what I mean is, I look like a middle school kid. I have a baby face, so the ladies love to pink my cheeks. It’s fucking annoying. I’m really short, at just 5 ft. I know I will at least get to 6 ft. because my dad is, but at least I’m not as short as some of the other tiny kids in my grade.

Don’t forget that I am a nerd, a loser who delves in fantasy and sci-fi to escape the pain, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, superheroes, videogames, tv and books were my heaven. No sports, I was abysmal on that front. I couldn’t even throw a football properly!

So Kade Jones the loser, the nerd and the freak! How could it get any worse? I wish it didn’t but it does. Turns out that I am gay. Yep! Kade Jones is not only a pathetic excuse for a human being, but a faggot to top it all! I have already planned out my future. I will not get married, I will have no spouse, no partner. No love. Just me. I will try and become famous, and rich for good measure. I will do it to prove them wrong. To prove I can be someone. But I can never let anyone know the truth. I hate myself and I dream of death, but I am a loving person. I can love even if one would not love me, which is why I want kids. Maybe they will be the first to love me.

Or I die. My idealistic dreams are too good to be true, and to my horror, I always fail. That’s why I am so pessimistic.

But maybe someday I can find something or someone that can change me. No matter how bad things have gotten, I am grateful that I am not physically abused or starving. I never have physically harmed myself, because I have hope, no matter how futile it could be. I have hope for better days that might yet come.

This is my story.