Johnathan Colourfield's Writing Exercises - 3. Session Three: 27th June 2011

Exercise One: Read the following extract. Then with absolutely minimal additions or subtractions of fact and detail, rewrite it in a bitter style. No length requirement.

Extract

My paternal grandmother, Florence, was a stout, mercurial woman who handed me a present nearly every time I came into her sight, with the probable exceptions of my birthday and Christmas. She was not a great believer in special occasions. Or rather, she believed in them but saw no reason to be overly literal about their observance. “This is for your birthday,” she would say for the thirtieth time in a year, handing me a box of Fanny Farmer lollipops or ordering me to try on a new pair of dungarees. My father may have exaggerated the details of his childhood, but to hear him tell of it, Florence was forever chasing him around the house to show him some “surprise”that he longed instead to find wrapped under a Christmas tree, preferably on Christmas. My grandmother didn’t have much use for wrapping paper either.

Rewrite

My paternal grandmother Florence was a picture. She was short, which wasn’t helpful plus this wasn’t helped by her mercurical stout nature. She gave me a present every time I came into her sight. But never on the more important dates like my birthday or Christmas. She didn’t believe in that sort of celebration and didn’t see a reason to celebrate. ‘This is for your birthday’, she would say for the thirtheth time in a single year. She would hand me a child’s present like Fanny Farmer lollipops or buy me a ridiculous pair of dungarees. My father may have exaggerated the details of his childhood, but to hear him tell of it again and again. It bored me. Florence would forever chase him around the house trying to show him some ‘surprise’. He always wanted to find it wrapped under a Christmas tree, preferably on the day and not on any random day. My grandmother because of this, obviously didn’t have much use for wrapping paper either.

Exercise Two: Write a paragraph in which each word begins with the last letter of the preceding word.

Singing gay Yiddish haunting gas songs, since evil lane epidemic caused death here. Each human nationalist teaches serious songs selling goaded dreams since evolution, near revolution, need dear revolutionary yarns. Soon, near reconciliation.

Excercise Three: Write a paragraph in which every word starts with a vowel. (For Maria)

On each insidious evening, an evil oulu’ian understands and even interprets our earth, in another office, an evil oulu’ian comprehends an insidious overture and a evil underscore; on each iniquity each iniquitous olu’ian, overtakes evolved angels.

Exercise Four: Write a paragraph in which every word starts with a consonant. (For Mark)

Because cruel dogs stalk the floor contained by pigs, the secret zany Yiddish woman had to sacrifice dogs for the world to forgive her due to her lacking knowledge. Pity the girl who took the risk and worry for the girl whose cruel dogs stalk the floor contained by the evil pigs.