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    jian_sierra
  • jian_sierra
  • Author
  • 07/08/2011
  • 604 Words
  • 1,408 Views
  • 13 Comments
Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

Flash Story Collection - 1. In The Desert

For my first flash story, let me take you to the place where I work. I love the desert, there's just something so peaceful and beautiful about it.

In the middle of the night, two shadows from different directions darted between tents and crates until they met at the pen holding the camels. Without a word or looking at each other, one of them opened the gate while the other collected a half-asleep camel.

Thankful for the howling wind which masked the sound of their footsteps against the sand, they made their way east. After an hour of walking, they helped the camel lower itself on the sand and they both got on its back. As the camel righted itself up, the young man on the rear wrapped his arms around his loved one.

This was the only way the two young men could think of to be together. Oh yes, they were both young and beautiful to behold too. The young man in front had thick lashes and deep brown eyes which matched the color of his longish hair that ended in curly tufts. While the only thing that could be seen of the young man holding him were his piercing blue eyes as his face were covered with a patterned cloth of red and white. But the blue orbs that peeked through slits were enough to indicate the handsome face hidden within.

Through the night they traveled accompanied by gusts of wind here and there. They knew not exactly where they were going, just the general direction of an oasis found by one of their tribesmen due east, a twelve hour trek by camel. As the sun peeked from the horizon, the sudden change in temperature could be felt and the heat just got stronger as the day wore on.

Heat waves floated all around them and the two travelers felt its intensity. Their throats hurt from lack of water, but they ignored it thinking it was only a matter of time until they spot the oasis. But after a couple hours of nothing, the two started to panic. The camel kept its steady gallop across the sand, but its riders felt sluggish, thirsty and the start of hunger. The curly-haired young man almost gave up hope after two more hours, but then the love of his life slumped against his back and the head of blue eyes rested against his shoulders.

That gave him a bit of strength and though his arms felt like deadweights, he steered the camel on another direction. After some distance and just as the sun set down to the west blanketing the seemingly endless desert in eerie orange light, something sprouted far ahead that was not sand dune, dead animal bone or cactus. As they approached, the ‘something’ grew bigger until it was revealed to be the oasis they sought.

Slipping down the camel, curly hair helped his lover on his feet, but blue eyes collapsed on the sand. Heart pounding against his chest, curly hair half-dragged the body of the young man he had grown to love. When they were inches from the water that mirrored the darkening sky above, he unfurled the cloth that hid blue eyes’ beautiful face then scooped a handful of water and made him drink it. Pressing his ears against blue eyes’ chest, the faint heartbeat brought tears to his eyes. He gazed at blue eyes’ full red lips, the lips he had dreamt of kissing for so long. As the tears fell down his cheeks, he placed the softest kiss, almost a whisper, on blue eyes’ lips. Though he wished in his heart to get a glimpse of the blue eyes he fell in love with, the lids which hid them were closed forevermore.

As you probably noticed, this is unedited so if you found anything off, please don't hesitate to tell me. Any feedback is highly appreciated.
Copyright © 2011 jian_sierra; All Rights Reserved.
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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
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Chapter Comments

jian_sierra
On 07/09/2011 01:00 AM, comicfan said:
Awww. The heat of the desert killed the one with blue eyes. So sad. They tried to find a place to be and died for it. Romantic but depressing, John. And here you were just telling me that you were unable to write. Guess you got past your mental block. This was fun and would enjoy more of your flash fiction. :)
Hey thanks for the feedback. I'm really glad you enjoyed this one. As long as people don't tell me my flash stories suck, I'll write one every time I'm stumped about how to proceed with my other stories. Thanks again :2thumbs:
Dannsar

This was a lovely wee story that just got at me. I wanted to .... I dunno, I just wanted to ...

 

Anyway, its captivating elements aside, there are a few coments which should really be made:

 

I know you said it was unedited, and I might be being picky, but unedited should not be put up as finished work in my opinion. There are often too many things to grate. I had actually worked out its status before the end note.

 

Flash fiction ... does that mean it cannot be left to simmer a while? I know some people have trouble going back and polishing, but I think that is part of the job of flash fiction ... to polish your skills, and the last polish is part of the polishing, if you see what I mean!

 

Now to something more structural. I was quite struck by the contrast of the natural and the human in this piece. It seemed to me that they did not quite integrate. Of course, metaphorically that is a very apt method. However, you opened with something as ethereal as shadows, which hinted at fleeting sensation, and for me, the sensation lacked.

 

I think there were two factors involved. Firstly, the language interrupted too often. Too much 'which' and 'that'. It might seem like an odd thing to say, but it formalised the language and added to the second thing.

 

Those parts where you were allusive rather than descriptive were very much the more successful. The fleetingness, transience, and stealth of the shadows. The hiding of all but the blue orbs. The feel of bodies together. These were things which allowed inner feeling and an opportunity to meet with the characters on an emotional level. However, there was too much description of physical things and impediments.

 

It was almost as if the language and the difficulties of the landscape were coming between me and the characters, rather than between the characters and their goal. Thhat left me a bit dissatisfied.

 

Lastly, I am not sure I saw the real point of their journey. I know it was to be together alone. But why so far, and if it was a bit of midnight madness, why push on to a far off goal in a dangerous landscape? There's nothing wrong with that, but a little touch of backstory to illuminate the need they obviously felt would have been useful.

 

All of that said, it was a very touching piece. It was thin and airy and enveloping and caressing. The unspoken love was almost palpable and it was a piece to cry over. Flawed, but isn't every diamond :)

jian_sierra
On 07/09/2011 05:07 AM, Dannsar said:
This was a lovely wee story that just got at me. I wanted to .... I dunno, I just wanted to ...

 

Anyway, its captivating elements aside, there are a few coments which should really be made:

 

I know you said it was unedited, and I might be being picky, but unedited should not be put up as finished work in my opinion. There are often too many things to grate. I had actually worked out its status before the end note.

 

Flash fiction ... does that mean it cannot be left to simmer a while? I know some people have trouble going back and polishing, but I think that is part of the job of flash fiction ... to polish your skills, and the last polish is part of the polishing, if you see what I mean!

 

Now to something more structural. I was quite struck by the contrast of the natural and the human in this piece. It seemed to me that they did not quite integrate. Of course, metaphorically that is a very apt method. However, you opened with something as ethereal as shadows, which hinted at fleeting sensation, and for me, the sensation lacked.

 

I think there were two factors involved. Firstly, the language interrupted too often. Too much 'which' and 'that'. It might seem like an odd thing to say, but it formalised the language and added to the second thing.

 

Those parts where you were allusive rather than descriptive were very much the more successful. The fleetingness, transience, and stealth of the shadows. The hiding of all but the blue orbs. The feel of bodies together. These were things which allowed inner feeling and an opportunity to meet with the characters on an emotional level. However, there was too much description of physical things and impediments.

 

It was almost as if the language and the difficulties of the landscape were coming between me and the characters, rather than between the characters and their goal. Thhat left me a bit dissatisfied.

 

Lastly, I am not sure I saw the real point of their journey. I know it was to be together alone. But why so far, and if it was a bit of midnight madness, why push on to a far off goal in a dangerous landscape? There's nothing wrong with that, but a little touch of backstory to illuminate the need they obviously felt would have been useful.

 

All of that said, it was a very touching piece. It was thin and airy and enveloping and caressing. The unspoken love was almost palpable and it was a piece to cry over. Flawed, but isn't every diamond :)

Dannsar, thank you very much for your detailed review. I'll keep this in mind when next I write a flash story. Anyway to answer one of the points you raised, I felt like I didn't need the backstory you wanted. This is a flash story after all and not a full length story where you can expound on such things. Now I get what you say, but from my point of view, it's up to the readers to piece that together. At least that's how I see it. And how lucky am I, I wrote a 600+ flash story and I get a review that is longer than that, I think. Thank you :)
jian_sierra
On 07/09/2011 03:47 PM, Breeze said:
Sigh....I love your work. Wonderful story. I'd like it if you wrote more like this. I'd like anything you wrote.
Oh wow, thank you very much for what you said. It's good you can't see me right now because I'm grinning so big while I write this reply. Thanks for your support in my writing. I'll write more of this, I had fun doing this and the most amazing part is that it didn't take me that long to whip this up :)
AnytaSunday

It's emotional--I hated that blue eyed love had to die, but in the end it made it more powerful. Actually, in my mind I thought they'd see the oasis finally, have a surge of hope, then his lover would bring the water to his lips and only then realize it was all sand. All a mirage.

 

Flash fiction and short stories are a challenge, it's awesome that you're attempting this. :D

 

Thanks for the read!

jian_sierra
On 07/10/2011 08:20 PM, AnytaSunday said:
It's emotional--I hated that blue eyed love had to die, but in the end it made it more powerful. Actually, in my mind I thought they'd see the oasis finally, have a surge of hope, then his lover would bring the water to his lips and only then realize it was all sand. All a mirage.

 

Flash fiction and short stories are a challenge, it's awesome that you're attempting this. :D

 

Thanks for the read!

Hey thanks for reading. The mirage thing is a great idea hehe. I actually writing this flash story as it didn't take as long a time as writing a full chapter to finish this. Plus, I'm having more experience in writing on a third person point of view (I hope) :)
LJH

Writing flash is an excercise not to be taken lightly. In my view it requires the same elements as a fully blown short story. I love flash for the very simple reason that it challenges my word skills. It is true power writing for I must choose the exact words to complete the tale. Your flash fiction brings in all these elements I have mentioned. And more. The surreal. The unbelievable chaos that swims in a man's mind in open heat in the desert without water.

 

I could feel the heat of the sun, the dry mouths, the blistered lips. I could sense redemption, but I did not expect death. Now that's a tale I like to read. The unpredictable.

 

Yes, I think there are gremlins. Of-course there will be many edits. Editing is the chemical make-up of flash and flash requires a dedication to this craft that defies my senses. Thanks for making music.

 

LOL The above is flash, it's saying thank you in like 8 lines and the only criteria is to begin with the word Writing, and end with the word, music. Hehehe

 

 

 

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