Black Sheep Part 2 - 9. Chapter 9

“So, here we are again.” Dr West sits down next to the bed. “Not talking again I've been told.”

I stare away from him, silently confirming his statement. Memories of the last time I was here have started haunting me and even though I have only been here for a week it seems like the time between then and now has never happened.

“They called me as soon as my holiday ended. They figured I knew how to deal with you. But I'm not so sure about it, Victor. You need to start talking. Everybody is getting really worried. Don't start hiding inside your head again.”

I know he is staring at me, he is good at that, sitting still as a rock and just analyse my every move. My every blink and breath will be analysed and he will write about it and talk to me about it and he will analyse my reaction to his first conclusions and everything will start over again. All until I start talking of course.

“Victor. Victor, look at me. Come on.” Dr West moves his chair so he is sitting at the foot of the bed.

I shake my head, trying to hide my face in my hair, but without my hands there is not much I can do when it comes to hiding. I sigh and close my eyes, not looking at him, not working with him. It's not like it worked that well last time, I'm back for the same damn reason aren't I?

“Your sis told me that your boyfriend moved into your house. How is that, living with him?”

I still. What? When did that happen? How come Jack moved? Was it because of me?

“You didn't know?”

See, there, he did it. Reading my moves, analysing what I do. Being all psych with me even if I don't talk, but this time he won't be able to get me to break. They won't keep me here forever, they have to let me go at some point.

“So him moving in happened after you got into the hospital then? Do you know why he might have moved in?”

I keep myself calm and composed. No talking, not even body language, nothing.

“Okay, maybe this is enough for today. I just wanted to see how you were and if we might be able to just skip a couple of steps. I'll send in a doctor to check out your wounds. See you tomorrow. If you need me you can call for me.” He starts to move out of the room but I hear him turning around at the last moment. “Also, Anne said something about you being right about Adam. Might not be too important but I thought I should tell you.”

I open my eyes and stare at him. My heart starts racing and my head rushes. No way, Adam could not be that foolish. I pull the straps on my arms, I want to hide my face before he can see the tears that I feel forming. A set of hand make quick work of the restraints and I fold into myself, making myself as small as possible. Trying to keep all the pain and emotions on the inside.

“Do you want to talk about Adam?”

Could I? Could I talk about Adam and not talk about me? Could I trust myself to only talk about Adam? I nod, then I shake my head. I don't know yet.

“Do you want some time? Shall I come back in a couple of hours?”

I nod. Yes, in a couple of hours I will know how to talk about this, hopefully.

I hear Dr West walk out of the room and close the door behind him. They'll leave me alone for a bit now, I'll finally have some real time to myself. I slightly relax and roll onto my side, the cold feeding tube pushing into my cheek, as I try to decide how to deal with all this.

“Adam is the guy with the lung problems, right?” Dr West sits in front of me, his writing block on his lap as he holds the pen to his lips.

I look at my dangling feet for a couple of seconds before I nod.

“What were you right about?”

“He is killing himself.” My voice croaks when I whisper the words. I squeeze my eyes shut and only open them when Dr West starts talking again.

“So were you.”

“No, I want to die. He is killing himself.”

“What is the difference? Both ways end the same.”

“I want to be dead, right at this moment, no way out. He-” I shut up, not trusting my voice.

“He wants the in between? Not quite gone but not really alive either?”

“No. He wants to die, but not right now. He is helping nature run it's course just a little faster.”

“Victor...”

“I'm not gonna talk about me. I can't.” I pull up my legs, wrapping my arms around them, hiding myself behind them.

“Okay. I'll step back.” Dr West moves his chair back a bit and keeps quiet for a couple of minutes. I can hear him scribble on his block, probably analysing some important detail. “It seems that you're not surprised by this. Has he done this before?”

I think for a couple of seconds. Has he? “No. Not like this.”

“What do you mean not like this? Has he tried something else?”

“When... Back when we were together he was addicted to them.”

“To what?”

“Weight loss pills.”

“I remember you said he has always been skinny.” Dr West writes something down on his writing block.

“He has. Skinny and skinnier. He... I don't even know why. I only know when it is happening.”

“Does it have something to do with you? Are you the reason he does this, even if he doesn't realise it?”

I shake my head vigorously and turn my back to him. How could he think it had anything to do with me if it started before Adam and I even dated?

“Do you still want to talk?” I can hear Dr West stand up.

I shake my head as I start to move under the covers.

“Won't you hurt yourself or do I need to put you back in restraints?”

I shake my head again. I will be fine, I won't be doing anything stupid. I need to talk to Adam and the only way I can is if I start following their plan.