Black Sheep Part 2 - 5. Chapter 5

"If you like hurting yourself that much, I think I'm going to have to punish you myself, don't you think?" His voice was cold and creepy. He held my hands above my head and kept me in place with his hip, the raw wall scratched my face as he pushed against me harder and I could feel his hot breath in my neck. Sudden pain scorched my back and I cried out.

"It hurts me so much to see how you hurt yourself. I asked you to stop, I begged you to stop. But maybe this is the only way to make you stop."

I knew he was telling the truth, I was the one at fault, I was the one giving him pain. He was good by helping me deal with everything, he knew how to deal with things. He knew what was going on in my head. He gave me a way out, out of my own suffering. I deserved every correction he gave me, I never listened to what he said.

"Are you awake?" A voice reaches me from the door. "Victor?"

I close my eyes again and pretend to be asleep. Three days, three days I have been ignoring the staff, doctors and nurses alike. When were they going to give up. They could not safe me. No-one could safe me, maybe, no not even him. He was not the cause of this all. He was not the problem. I was the one at fault anyway.

I suddenly realize they were not in my room. Everything is quiet. Very quiet. I am alone with my brain once again. Just like I like it. They had been trying to talk to me for two days. I've been quiet for the same length. I close my eyes, remembering him, remembering how life was easy back then.

"Where are you?" Daves text woke me from my slumber. I looked at the clock, half past eight. Everybody was out of the house by now, I was free to go anywhere I liked.

"I'm on my way." I texted him back and quickly got dressed. I looked around the house, no-one here, no stupid questions. I walked out of the door as Dave pulled up in front of the house. Right on time. I ran to the car, eager to get away from the house. He leaned over and gave me a kiss, he put his foot down and we drove off.

"No problems when you came back in last night?" He sought out my hand and softly rubbed his thumb over my fingers.

"Anne was still awake but she kept quiet. I think she'll finally leave me alone." I brought his hand up to my lips and kissed the top.

"Good." His smile made my heart flutter. I turned my head as I looked out the window, hiding my face. Anne had been standing on the top of the stairs when I came in. Waiting for me to arrive, waiting for me and scanning my every move, looking for clues of some crazy idea she had.

"Don't think of others when you're with me." His voice woke me from my thoughts.

"I wasn't, I was thinking of all the fun we will be having when we arrive at your place." The lie came easier, he didn't need to know Anne was saying bad things about him. I think he knew anyway.

"We can't give him medication if he doesn't eat." The nurse is standing in the doorway talking to someone just out of sight. I look at her from the side of the bed. Good, if they don't pump me full of medication I can have my mind to myself. I can have my own thoughts and feelings. I like my mind when it's not drugged, it is more clear, more clean. I keep staring at the nurse and she quickly gets out of sight.

I look around the room for the hundredth time since I got here, everything has rounded edges, nothing breakable, nothing to destroy. They apparently read my file, damn. I get back into my bed. There is only one way now, only one way to quiet the voice in the back of my head.

I open my mouth and bite down on the inside of my wrist. I feel the skin slip as the pain rushes through my body. I lay back reveling in the pain. I push the mark with my other hand, extending the pain as long as I can. But nothing is as good as the feeling of a knife. I bring my arm to my mouth and bite on the same spot, the urge to pull away fighting with my will to keep my arm in place.

I look for the next place, a more painful place to bite down, I move my hand and bite down on the mouse of it. I groan in pleasure and pain at the same time. This is right, this is me. He was right, they don't know how to take care of me, they don't know how to help me. They try to push the real me back, to push away this love I have for myself.

Jack is too clean, he doesn't know the thrill, the kick. He doesn't know what it is to feel this buzz. I feel sorry for him, life is so much easier with this. So much less complicated, so much more exciting.

I look at my hands, the shaking starts slowly, I am no longer able to keep my hands into fists. I feel the muscles stretch under the damaged skin. A burning, a good burning, a burning telling me I'm alive. I know I can do this, I'll be out of here soon. They don't know how good I can be at pretending, how good I can be at pretending everything is fine. As long as I stay in control I can make it out here for good.

I feel the shaking taking over the rest of my body and suddenly realize; they will come in here and see the marks. The fight is over even before it begins.