Alex and Zach - 7. Chapter 7

The room seemed full of people Zach knew. His father, mother and brother were sitting together talking and laughing. Cindy and James were there, standing close to his family, listening with interest and occasionally adding comments of their own. Dr. Edwards, Jason and Mark stood to one side, but crossed the room to join the conversation. Not one of them seemed to notice Zach’s presence in the room, no one acknowledged him at all. He seemed to be an invisible bystander, powerless to interact with anyone and the situation was making him very nervous. Very nervous!

Alex entered the room, smiling. Immediately, Zach felt better, the knots in his stomach loosening with relief. Zach knew Alex would understand what was happening, would acknowledge him, and bring him into the circle of the conversation taking place. Zach felt he could face anything, deal with any problem as long as Alex was by his side.

Alex looked right past Zach, ignoring his presence, walking right by him towards the circle of people. Zach’s mind was reeling. If Alex had stopped and repeatedly punched him in the stomach it would have felt better than the cold indifference with which he passed. Zach could feel the knots returning to his stomach, the bile churning in his belly and burning at his throat, and the hated tears forming in his eyes.

"Alex! Stop. Please talk to me!" Zach pleaded, begging to be acknowledged. Why was Alex doing this? Why was he acting so cold?

Alex turned and looked at Zach, scorn across his face, his eyes cruel and impatient. "Oh get over yourself. Why the fuck would I want to talk to you? You didn’t think I really loved you did you? You’re pathetic!"

Zach was crushed. He felt betrayed again, like so many times in the past. It felt like the entire world collapsed around him. The betrayal, the pain, the hurt overwhelmed him and he started screaming, "NOOOO!"

"Zach! Come on buddy! Wake up! Zach. Wake Up! It’s a bad dream! Wake up!"

Zach dimly heard the voice calling for him to wake up, but the voice barely registered on his brain. The voice was familiar, but seemed out of place, not quite right. He thrashed in his sleep, trying to escape, violently tossing his head back and forth. He could feel someone next to him, shaking him gently and he latched onto them, holding onto them tightly and pressing his entire body into them hoping to escape or hide. He could feel himself sobbing uncontrollably, weeping at the pain.

"Zachie, come on buddy. Wake up! It’s just a bad dream. Zachie! Buddy come on."

Zach finally managed to drag himself back to consciousness, opened his eyes and stared straight into the face of the person who had been trying to wake him, whose voice he had been hearing and who he was currently clinging to. Zach pulled away quickly, confused and alarmed. He had been clinging to Jason, sobbing into his chest, practically laying on him as he had pressed himself so close.

Zach felt another hand on his shoulder from the other side of the bed and flinched violently away, his confusion and alarm growing. He quickly snapped his head around to see who had touched him and finally saw Alex. Alex’s expression was grave, concerned with even a little hint of fear in his eyes. Zach quickly buried his head into Alex’s chest, sobbing with fear and relief at the same time, ashamed at his own weakness, but unable to hide it.

"Shhh. Zach it’s ok. It was just a bad dream. It’s ok. It’s ok," Alex murmured repeatedly into Zach’s ear, hugging him tightly. Slowly, Zach quieted, his sobbing lessened and finally ceased altogether. After a few more minutes, he peeked up at Alex, a weak sad little smile across his face. Alex smiled back at him and gently kissed his forehead.

After a few more minutes, Zach lay back into the pillows, more than a little embarrassed by his display. "I’m sorry I was being so stupid," he mumbled in a very quiet voice to both Alex and Jason. His eyes were downcast, but he peeked up at Jason. "I didn’t mean to cling to you like that Jason. I didn’t realize it was you I was snuggling up to. I’m sorry."

Jason smiled back at Zach encouragingly, and briefly tousled his hair. "Hey, it’s no big deal. It didn’t bother me." Jason started grinning mischievously. "You didn’t even slobber on me much. Not like Alex, he drools all over when he’s sleeping."

Alex took on a mock indignant expression that was ruined by his laughing. "Yeah, screw you asshole!" he finally managed to reply to his brother. Zach started grinning a little as the brothers insulted each other.

Jason grinning evilly continued to taunt his brother. "Now Zach, you should know Alex was big time jealous when he realized you were snuggling up to me instead of him, especially when you started playing with my dick."

Zach’s small grin immediately vanished and his eyes went wide with horror. "Oh shit! I…I didn’t did I? Oh God, I’m sorry if I did! Oh shit!"

Jason’s grin also vanished as he realized he had gone too far. "Oh shit Zach. I’m sorry. I was trying to make fun of Alex, not you. Shit man! I didn’t mean it, I’ve just got a big mouth!"

Alex was still laughing, shaking his head at his brother. "Smooth move Jason! You’re just so fucking brilliant some times." Alex reached over and started rubbing Zach’s shoulders comfortingly. "Don’t worry Zach, you didn’t do anything to Jason. He probably wanted you to, but you didn’t do anything but cuddle up to him."

Jason’s eyes were hugely apologetic as he shook his head in agreement with Alex. "I’m really sorry Zach. You really didn’t do anything."

Zach looked from Alex to Jason, his eyes uncertain. He was still not totally convinced of his innocence. It didn’t matter that both Alex and Jason said nothing happened, he still doubted. He could see the sincerity in both of their eyes, but they might just be trying to make him feel better. He just didn’t know for sure.

After a few moments of awkward silence, Jason cleared his throat to break the ice. "It’s almost lunch time. Are you guys hungry? I can go make us some sandwiches or something."

Alex looked up at Jason, grinning. "Yeah I’m hungry. Since you offered I’ll let you make Zach and me a couple of sandwiches." Zach opened his mouth to start to protest but Alex cut him off. "Don’t even say it Zach. I don’t care if you’re not hungry, you’re going to eat something." He turned and looked Zach in the eye, smiling but determined to win this argument.

Jason started laughing as he got up to head towards the kitchen. "You might as well give up Zach. Alex is going to mother you whether you want to be or not. Just give up gracefully and spare yourself a lot of grief."

"Shut up Jason and go make something to eat," Alex shot back at his brother, grinning at him. Jason, grinning, flipped Alex off and left for the kitchen.

After Jason left, Zach was quiet for a few minutes, still looking unhappy. Finally, he looked straight into Alex’s eyes. "Tell me the truth Alex. Did I…Did I, uh, touch Jason’s…." he trailed off, unable to even finish the sentence.

Alex smiled comfortingly back at Zach. "I AM telling you the truth Zach. You never touched Jason. He would never have joked about it if you had. Jason already knows how shy you are. It probably wouldn’t have bothered him if you had, he just would have moved your hands away and forgotten all about it. Besides, even if you had touched him, it wouldn’t have meant anything. You were asleep."

Zach was still frowning a little, still uncertain. "I never would have touched Jason knowingly. You have to believe me Alex. I swear I wouldn’t."

"Zach, relax. I know you wouldn’t. And I swear you didn’t this time either. You had just barely cuddled up against Jason before he woke you up from your dream." Alex was staring straight into Zach’s eyes as he said this. He was pouring all his love through his eyes, trying to reassure Zach.

Zach finally relaxed a little, still not totally certain of what had taken place, but finally convinced that it didn’t really matter, at least not to Alex. He finally managed to give Alex a shy, little smile as he settled more comfortably into the pillows. Then he grimaced a little as another thought crossed his mind. "Are you really going to make me eat a sandwich? Alex, I’m really not hungry. And my stomach kinda hurts."

Alex took on a determined expression. "Zach, you’ve barely eaten anything for the last several days besides a couple of Pop Tarts. Your stomach probably hurts cause it thinks you’ve abandoned it. Please try and eat a little. Ok?"

Zach slowly nodded, a little unhappy but wanting to please Alex. Then he started grinning. "Jason sure was right about you mothering me."

Alex grinned back at him. "If you call me mom I swear I’m going to tickle you till you wet yourself!" Then he started laughing. "Just be glad Mark’s gone shopping and not here. He’d really be mothering you. He’d probably be hand spooning you chicken soup right now."

Jason returned carrying a tray of sandwiches and three full glasses. "Hope grilled cheese is ok. I also brought us milk to drink. I figured you should probably have something healthy to drink Zach."

Alex started laughing really hard. "And you were making fun of me for mothering him. Jason, you’re worse than I am!" Jason flipped Alex off again, grinning at him. The guys started eating, laughing and swapping stories, generally enjoying each other’s company.

It was later in the afternoon and the three of them were still spinning stories for each other when they heard Mark calling out to them. "Hey, I could use some help unloading the car. Do you think you can get your lazy asses out here to give me a hand?" Jason immediately got up and wandered out to help his brother, but Alex turned and looked at Zach, frowning a little, hesitating to leave.

"Go give Mark a hand. I’ll be ok by myself for a bit," Zach reassured Alex, smiling at him. Alex’s frown deepened a little, but he nodded his head and got up to leave. Before getting off the bed completely, he paused, grinned at Zach and kissed him tenderly on the lips. Absently he pushed the ever-present hair out of Zach’s eyes then hurried out the door to catch up with Jason.

Zach closed his eyes, not really thinking about anything in particular, but instead just allowing his mind to wander aimlessly. With his eyes closed, his mind was able to conjure up that stillness and aloneness that was so familiar to him, that allowed him to think through problems and analyze the events in his life. Several long minutes later he heard the three brothers returning to the room, but for whatever reason he kept his eyes closed.

Zach could feel the three of them stopping in the doorway of the room refraining from entering. "It looks like he’s fallen asleep," Mark whispered. "Lets go back to the living room and leave him alone."

"I don’t want to leave Zach by himself," Zach heard Alex protest, also whispering.

"Oh come on Alex," Mark whispered back, a little exasperated. "You’re going to smother him if you keep hovering over him. How did you feel when you were dating some girl who wanted to monopolize every second of your life? Give him some space."

"What if he wakes up confused?" Alex asked sounding a little desperate. "Or has another bad dream?"

"Mark’s right Alex and you know it," Jason whispered. "If Zach needs you, he’ll call out for you."

"Alex," Mark whispered, "Zach isn’t a little kid who needs to hold onto you like a teddy bear to keep the boogie man away. Now come on, let him sleep."

"All right," Alex agreed reluctantly. "But if you guys are wrong we’re going to have one fucking monumental fight!"

"We wouldn’t have it any other way bro," Zach heard Jason say as the three of them left.

Zach didn’t really know why he had kept his eyes closed during the brother’s conversation, why he hadn’t let them know he was awake. In one sense, it might have been a perverse pleasure of the familiarity of being alone. He had been alone all his life even when surrounded by people. He took comfort in that loneliness, the familiar feeling of isolation. He knew he had never developed the skill of interacting with people very well. His family had never lived for much longer than a year in the various homes his parents bought. He had never had the chance to develop buddies and friends from the neighborhood. He had learned early on not to develop too much of an attachment to anyone or anything, not when it could be taken away so quickly, so easily.

Zach knew that his early school life had only reinforced his feelings of isolation. He had always been the outsider looking in. He had been the kid on the playground who stayed by himself because he was never invited to play with the other guys. Academically, he had excelled far beyond the others in his class, but that only singled him out even more. Made him just that much more of a freak to be avoided. The forced isolation had forced him to develop a strong independence, but also made him socially backwards and horribly shy. Approaching people, interacting with them one on one frightened him. He had learned to deal with it to a degree, but in the back of his mind the panic was always looming ready to devour him. A dark little voice in his mind always told him to avoid trusting people, opening up to them. If you opened up to someone, you gave him the power to hurt you. In the past it had always been those he had trusted who had hurt him the worst.

That inner voice practically shouted at Zach now. He had been pushing it back into the corners of his mind since the accident, but had never totally banished it. Now that he was alone the voice would no longer be denied. "You’re letting him in too close! It’s only going to hurt you in the end. Do you really want to go through that? Is it really worth it? Really?" Zach reflected on that thought, wishing he had an answer that would satisfy the voice.

Zach thought about Mark’s comments too and just how wrong he had been. Mark said that he wasn’t a little kid needing a teddy bear to cling to. But wasn’t that what he had been doing? He had been clinging to Alex, drawing strength from him. Was that an act of someone in love? Should he really need someone that badly? Was he really that dependent on someone else to chase his demons away?

For that matter, was Alex really in love with him? Zach knew that he loved Alex, had known it for a very long time, but did Alex really love him? Or was it just guilt over the accident? Or maybe even a need to take care of someone? Was Alex going to wake up hating him someday, regretting that he wasted so much time with him?

Even if Alex was in love with him, was it fair to Alex to start a relationship with him? Was it fair to Alex when he was so unsure himself? Zach just didn’t know if he could ever develop the trust that was so necessary for a relationship to last. He didn’t even know where to begin, how to even start. Opening himself up to others, trusting them with his feelings and thoughts had only caused him pain in the past. Why would this time be any different? Could it be any different?

Wouldn’t it be better just to push Alex away? Keep him at arm’s length? Then he could be alone again. Zach knew he was comfortable with isolation. It was familiar. It was a friend. It was lonely, but you didn’t get hurt that way. When you were alone, you didn’t have to …feel….

"NO! It’s NOT better!" Zach actually said aloud. He still didn’t have any answers, maybe never would. The feelings he felt for Alex still scared the piss out of him, but he was so tired of not allowing himself to feel, well, anything. He was determined to at least try, take one more chance. Alex would never deliberately hurt him. Zach knew that.

The dark, little voice retreated to the corners of his mind. "We’ll see," was all it said, abiding its time, leaving Zach wrestling with his doubts once again.

***

"Alex! Stop. Please talk to me!" Zach pleaded, begging to be acknowledged. Why was Alex doing this? Why was he acting so cold?

Alex turned and looked at Zach, scorn across his face, his eyes cruel and impatient. "Oh get over yourself. Why the fuck would I want to talk to you? You didn’t think I really loved you did you? You’re pathetic!"

Zach jerked himself awake, his breathing ragged and his body covered with a cold sweat. Panic gripped him. Raw, unadulterated terror coursed through his body in waves. Feelings of utter aloneness swept through him, leaving him nearly gasping for breath.

For a moment he had no idea where he was. The disorientation confused him, increasing his panic, but then Zach saw Alex lying next to him asleep. Zach realized he had been having his nightmare and his momentary confusion began to pass. But not his uncertainty or loneliness. Those demons weren’t chased away so easily.

Slowly Zach calmed his breathing, stilled his mind and regained a little composure. He stared at Alex, tracing his body with his eyes, wanting to wake him and have Alex enfold him in his arms. He always felt so safe in Alex’s arms. So calm. So peaceful. So loved. But he was reluctant to seek that comfort. Their relationship was only days old and he had already hurt Alex, the one person he loved more than life itself.

Zach reflected on the pain he had caused, recalled it with bitter regret. He had sat alone in Alex’s bedroom, struggling with his doubts for over an hour before Alex had checked on him. When Alex had seen that Zach was awake, he had come and hugged him. Zach remembered that he had immediately stiffened at the touch, pulling away slightly. He saw the questioning look Alex had given him, the brief flash of pain that crossed Alex’s eyes and it tore at his heart. Worse when Alex had asked him what was wrong, he had replied he was just thinking and Zach knew that Alex had detected his lie. But Alex hadn’t said a word, just smiled at him a little sadly.

Zach had felt physically ill at the pain he had caused by shutting Alex out. But he couldn’t explain his thinking to himself, how could he possibly explain it to Alex? He couldn’t even begin to verbalize what he was thinking, what he was feeling, and the struggle he was having. Worse, Alex had continued to treat him with the same gentle love as before. Alex had stayed with him for the rest of the evening, talking with him quietly but refraining from mentioning the incident at all. Alex had said he would let him set the pace in their relationship, and even though it was causing him pain, Zach could see that Alex had no intention of pushing him. And that probably hurt more than anything, that Alex was willing to hide his own hurt, to sacrifice his own feelings for him.

Zach continued to stare at Alex even as he wrestled with his inner demons. Why did it have to be so hard?

He so desperately wanted to open up to Alex, to trust him and share his inner most feelings with him. At the same time, the thought of letting someone get that close to him, to willingly give someone so much of himself, scared him. What if he opened himself up, let himself trust and Alex ended up hating him and walking away, leaving him alone again? The thought that his nightmare might become reality terrified him.

Alex was beginning to stir, coming awake in the early morning light. He opened his sleep filled eyes and smiled as he saw Zach watching him, his eyes lighting up with pleasure. "Hey, Merry Christmas Zach."

Zach smiled back at Alex, trying to hide his dark thoughts, pushing them into the corner of his mind to struggle with them later. "Merry Christmas Alex," he said kissing Alex lightly.

Alex’s expression became serious as he caught the note of sadness and confusion that Zach tried to conceal in his voice. Alex stared into Zach’s eyes for a few minutes, hesitating while he tried to decide what to say. "Zach, I’m probably not going to say this very well," Alex started, choosing his words carefully. "I know something is bothering you. I know you are having a hard time dealing with starting a relationship with me. I know you have a hard time opening up to people, that you’re scared that the people you care about won’t like you. But I love you Zach. I really do. I’m willing to go as slow as you need to. I’m willing to wait for you to let me in, for you to let me help you with your struggles."

Zach felt like he was drowning. He couldn’t suck the air in fast enough to fill his lungs. The intensity, the fierce love of Alex’s words tore at his inner being. He opened his mouth to try and respond, but Alex simply covered his mouth with his fingers.

"No," Alex said simply, quietly. "I don’t want you to say anything Zach. Just let me finish. I’m willing to wait for you Zach. I won’t be very good at it, I know, but I’m willing to wait. I’m impatient. I’m stubborn as hell. I won’t always understand. I’ll probably get mad or get my feelings hurt. I’ll get frustrated. But I think it’s all worth it. I want to be there for you. I want to always be by your side. And I hope one day you’ll believe that I love you as much as I do."

Zach squeezed his eyes closed trying to escape. His body shook with the intensity of his emotions. He desperately tried to quiet his mind but he couldn’t achieve the stillness necessary to calm his emotions. Then he felt Alex pull him close, felt Alex force him to lay his head against his chest. He felt Alex’s arms encircle him in their embrace, holding him tightly, keeping him safe, enfolding him with peace. Slowly, Zach’s mind stilled and he regained a measure of calm.

Zach lay in Alex’s arms for some time before Mark knocked and entered the room. "Hey Merry Christmas you two! You ever going to get up?"

Alex smiled at his brother. "Merry Christmas to you too. We’ll get up eventually but it’s still early. What are you doing up already? Not trying to catch Santa are you?"

Mark took on a mock serious expression. "Alex, buddy, dad really should have told you years ago, but Santa’s not real. Don’t cry now!" Mark grinned as Alex flipped him off. "I really stopped by to give Zach a little Christmas gift. Here ya go," Mark said as he threw a bag to Zach. "It’s nothing big, but I figured you might like to have something to wear. I know Alex wants to keep you naked, but you might like to put something on and join us for breakfast. Maybe get out of this room for awhile."

Zach blushed a little at Mark’s reference to his nudity, but his eyes were shining with pleasure at receiving the gift. "Thanks Mark!" he said gratefully. "I have been going a little crazy cooped up in here."

"You’re welcome. Really it’s no big deal. I would have given them to you last night but I figured I’d wash them so you could wear them immediately." Mark turned to leave. "Dad’s almost got breakfast ready so you guys should get up. I’m gonna go get Jason up."

Zach had opened the bag Mark had given him and had pulled out a couple of pairs of flannel boxers. He sat looking at them for a couple of seconds, frowning before Alex noticed his expression. "Hey, did Mark get the wrong size or something?"

Zach looked up at Alex, still frowning a little. "No, they’re fine. It’s just, uh, well, the only thing that’s in here is boxers. I can’t just walk around your house in my underwear."

Alex tried to keep from laughing. "Why not? They’re boxers Zach. Practically shorts. Besides, everyone has already seen you naked you know. Didn’t you just ever laze around your home in your boxers?"

Zach’s eyes went a little wide. "Oh God No! That would never had been tolerated at my house." He looked back down at the boxers, hesitating for a couple of seconds. "I guess I’m being a little stupid. I’m just going to feel really weird sitting around half naked."

"Well, I’d loan you a sweat shirt or something but you’re bigger than Jason and me. That’ll learn ya to get all muscular!" Alex joked. "Seriously, you’d probably strangle in one of our shirts. Mark’s might fit you, but he doesn’t keep his clothes here anymore so I don’t know what he has. I can go check."

Zach hesitated again before replying. "No. That’s ok. I don’t want Mark thinking I don’t appreciate his gift. It really was pretty nice of him. I, uh, I’m just going to feel weird is all, but I’ll get over it."

Alex got up, yawning and stretching. "Well, you wont be the only one out there in boxers. That’s all I intended to wear too. And I don’t think I’ve ever seen Jason eat breakfast in more than his boxers so you’ll have company. Come on, let’s go." Alex grinned. "I’m hungry!"

Zach started laughing as he pulled on a pair of the boxers and wobbled up to his feet. "There’s nothing new about that. You’re always hungry!" The two slowly made their way to the kitchen where Zach pulled up short, a little shocked. The entire table was loaded with food. Dr. Edwards had prepared French Toast and pancakes, sausage, bacon and several varieties of eggs. There were fresh fruit, pastries and biscuits and there were pitchers of milk and juice. Zach simply stood there open mouthed.

Dr. Edwards had turned at hearing the two enter. "Merry Christmas guys," he said hugging them both. "I guess we should have warned you Zach. We have a tradition in this family started by the boys’ mother of having a huge Christmas Breakfast. My cooking isn’t as good as hers, but we continued the tradition even after she passed away. I think it help us remember her and I think she’s pleased about that."

Alex was smiling, but still looked a little sad. "I miss her," he said quietly. "I know it’s been ten years since mom passed away, but I still miss her. I think about her everyday, and, well…" Alex trailed off, just smiling sadly without finishing.

Mark and Jason had come up behind them and Mark encircled Alex with his arms, hugging him from behind. "It’s ok little brother," he said. "We all miss mom, but we have each other." Alex smiled gratefully back at his brother.

"You’re mother would have been so proud of all you boys," Dr. Edwards said, his voice thick with emotion. "You’ve grown up to be such fine, outstanding men. She loved all of you so much and she would have been so very proud of all your accomplishments. And Zach, she would have probably tried to adopt you within five minutes of meeting you."

Zach turned a little pink at the compliment and ducked his head for a few seconds. When he looked back up he was smiling a little bashfully and yet his eyes were twinkling with mirth. "I think I would have liked that, but it certainly would have put a whole new spin on my relationship with Alex."

At Zach’s comment, Alex turned a little red himself. Mark, Jason and Dr. Edwards just started laughing. After a few moments, Alex started laughing too. "I’ll get you for that," he said to Zach.

Zach grinned back, his eyes sparkling. "Promise?" was all he said.

The rest of breakfast was spent laughing and joking. The three brothers shared favorite memories of Christmas past and Dr. Edwards shared a few embarrassing stories about all three of them much to the brothers’ chagrin. Zach simply drank it all in, feeling a very warm, special feeling about being included and allowed to share these private, loving family memories.

Finally, after even Alex was full, Dr. Edwards got up and started clearing the table. "Boys, why don’t you go take your showers for the morning. I’ll clean up in here and Zach can keep me company. It will give me a chance to check that cut on his forehead." The three brothers got up and wandered off to get cleaned up leaving Zach and Dr. Edwards alone.

Dr. Edwards quickly finished cleaning off the table and took a seat next to Zach. He sat looking at Zach for a few seconds making no move to check his forehead, but instead looking thoughtful. Zach was beginning to get a little nervous when finally Dr. Edwards cleared his throat. "I don’t really need to look at your cut Zach. I just wanted to talk to you privately for a few minutes."

Zach braced himself, wondering what was coming next. He couldn’t help wondering if Dr. Edwards was really as accepting of his relationship with his son as he professed to be. Was he going to ask him to end it? Was he going to tell him never to see Alex again? Did he hate him for ‘turning’ his son gay? Maybe Dr. Edwards blamed him. God! How did he get himself into these things?

"I can tell you’re nervous Zach," Dr. Edwards began. "I’m not going to bite you. I don’t want to hurt you at all, although some of what we talk about might. I hope not though. First of all, let me tell you that I’m very glad you came into Alex’s life. I think the two of you are good for each other. Alex has been very confused for a very long time. He tried to hide from not only his family, but also from himself. He’s not doing that anymore and I think it’s because of you. He loves you enough to stop hiding."

Dr. Edwards paused for a second, choosing his words carefully. "Secondly, Zach, I want you to know that you can tell me anything." Dr. Edwards smiled a little. "I’d appreciate it if you kept the fine details out if you want to discuss the bedroom. I’m not sure any father is really prepared to hear that kind of thing about his son’s personal life." Zach laughed a little nervously and blushed at that comment.

"Seriously though," Dr. Edwards continued, "I want you to know that you can tell me anything Zach. I know you are having some difficulties accepting your situation yourself. I know you are confused and scared. I gather from what Alex has told me that your family may not always be supportive. But I want you to know, that I am here for you. And I’ll try and help you in any way that I can."

Zach looked down at his lap, trying to keep from crying. He looked back up, his eyes watery. "Thank you Dr. Edwards. That really means a lot to me."

Dr. Edwards reached over and lightly squeezed Zach’s shoulder in support. "Well, I meant every word. But I can tell something is bothering you. Do you want to talk about it? It might be easier talking with me about what’s bothering you than talking with Alex."

Zach looked questioningly into Dr. Edwards’ eyes, debating with himself. Finally he couldn’t take it anymore. "Dr. Edwards, I don’t know what to do. I love Alex, but I don’t even know how to be in a relationship with someone. I’m going to hurt him horribly because I don’t know how to open up and trust him. I’ve never had a relationship with anybody before. I don’t know anything about what to do, or how to do it, or when or why. I don’t even know that much about sex or what to do to make Alex…" Zach suddenly realized what he was saying and to whom and his eyes widened in horror. "Oh Shit!"

Dr. Edwards grinned at Zach, his eyes sparkling. "It’s ok Zach. You didn’t upset me talking about sex with Alex. I imagine you are much more embarrassed than I am. Seriously, the two of you will figure it out, not just the sex, but the whole relationship. Alex already loves you for who you are. Just be yourself, he already loves you for that. In time, you’ll just naturally open up more, you’ll let him get close to you. There aren’t any rules to relationships, the two of you have to make that up on your own. It will be hard for you, but in time you will learn to trust Alex and share with him your thoughts and feelings. And don’t worry about being inexperienced in sex. The two of you will figure that out too. I imagine you’ll probably have a lot of fun figuring it out."

Zach’s ears were flaming he was so embarrassed, but he smiled in gratitude at Dr. Edwards. He was still confused, still nervous and unsure, but it helped just talking about it with someone. The discussion may not have fixed any of the problems or relieved any of his fears, but just being able to vocalize his doubts helped enormously.

The rest of day passed quietly. Christmas at the Edwards’ house was peaceful, calm and relaxed, which was in sharp contrast to Christmas with Zach’s family. The hustle and bustle, the constant level of irritation and aggravation, the ever-present family arguments that Zach was use to were non-existent. Instead, quiet memories were shared and expressions of love exchanged. The level of comfortable peace in the house was nearly a tangible object. Zach wasn’t even bothered about spending the entire day in his boxers, something that surprised him greatly when he reflected on it later.

That night, when they finally went to bed, Zach lay in Alex’s arms, happy and content even though he was naked once again. When he had originally crawled into bed with his boxers on, Alex had started pouting and finally Zach gave in and took them off to make Alex happy. He did find it ironic that Alex insisted he sleep naked but found nothing wrong with wearing boxers himself. Still, it made Alex happy so Zach complied and found himself nude once more.

As they lay in bed, Alex was absently rubbing his chest in small lazy circles, cuddling him close and occasionally kissing him tenderly. Alex’s fingers were feather light against his skin sending tingling waves of pleasure coursing through his body. Zach could feel his dick start to stiffen at the stimulation he was receiving and if he wasn’t mistaken, something in Alex’s boxers was also getting pretty hard and pressing against him.

Zach rolled slightly in Alex’s arms, facing him more so that he too could run his hands over Alex’s body. Zach could feel their dicks sliding against each other through Alex’s boxers. He could feel the heat radiating from Alex’s body, washing over him in gentle waves. Zach started running his hands over Alex’s chest and shoulders all the while Alex was kissing him tenderly, exploring his mouth with his tongue.

Zach’s hands traced Alex’s body, trying to feel every inch, wandering towards Alex’s boxers. He ran his hands lightly over the fabric covered flesh for a few moments and then slipped his hands inside the waistband running his fingers over Alex’s skin directly. Alex had continued kissing him deeply, darting his tongue into his mouth, but when Zach lightly cupped his balls Alex drew back slightly and groaned in pleasure. Emboldened, Zach began pushing Alex’s boxers down, attempting to remove them completely. Alex paused in rubbing Zach’s body with his hands only long enough to assist in the removal of his boxers and throwing them to floor before quickly resuming his exploring touch of Zach’s body.

Zach’s body felt like it was on fire. Every nerve ending seemed to be transmitting waves of pleasure to his brain. His entire body seemed to resonate and tingle with Alex’s every touch. He could feel his breath becoming ragged and he noted absently that Alex too seemed to be gulping in air into his heaving chest. Zach could feel his dick sliding along Alex’s, both throbbing in time with their racing hearts, both slick with precum. He could feel Alex’s hips thrusting with ever greater urgency and he knew they were both close to shooting.

Alex suddenly rolled Zach onto his back. Slowly he started kissing and nibbling across Zach’s face and down his throat, pausing in the hollow to run his tongue in circles tickling him slightly. Alex continued nibbling and licking his way across his chest, teasing Zach’s nipples, sucking on them lightly. Zach groaned loudly, unable to control himself and Alex looked up briefly, his eyes sparkling. Alex continued nipping and kissing across Zach’s stomach, pausing once again to swirl his tongue around Zach’s belly button, driving Zach nearly wild.

Alex continued nibbling, heading further down Zach’s body and Zach began to panic as he realized what Alex was preparing to do. He could feel his dick throbbing in anticipation, his balls pulling up tightly in preparation, but he could also feel the knots of fear and worry forming in his stomach. He wasn’t ready for that yet! It was much too soon! Zach grabbed Alex’s head, stopping him before his mouth reached his dick and started gently pulling him back up. Alex allowed himself to be stopped and guided back up to face Zach. There was a questioning look on his face as he stared into Zach’s scared, confused eyes.

"I’m sorry Alex," Zach said quietly, his voice miserable. "I’m…I’m not ready for you, uh, to do, um, for us to…I’m sorry." Zach tried to look away, but Alex reached over turning him back to face him.

"Zach, it’s ok," Alex tried to reassure. "You don’t have to do anything you don’t want. I’m the one that should be sorry for moving so fast. I said I’d let you set the pace and then I just go rushing into things. It’s really ok if you want to slow down."

Zach’s expression was still sad, but he tried to smile at Alex. "You don’t need to be sorry. It felt really good. Really Good! I just, well, I just started to panic when you started heading down there. Even that felt good, but I don’t know. I’m not ready for that yet."

Alex had resumed rubbing Zach’s chest and stomach and he smiled at Zach. "Well, I’m glad it felt good. I wanted you to feel good." Alex hesitated for a couple of seconds. "Uhh…Do you want me to go on? I could just finish us off by stroking us if you want. Truthfully, it’s not going to take me too much longer to finish myself, but we don’t have too. We can just lay here in each other’s arms and fall asleep if you want."

Zach smiled shyly at Alex. "Oh God! Right now it would only take me about two strokes before I started shooting." Zach blushed at his own admission. "I was about ready to shoot before I stopped you anyway."

Alex grinned back at him, his eyes sparkling mischievously. He slowly ran his hand down Zach’s body and then wrapped it around both of their dicks, holding their slicked up members side by side. Zach’s body trembled at the touch. Alex began slowly stroking, running his hand from base to tip in a long, slow sensuous stroke. He covered Zach’s mouth with his own, swallowing Zach’s groans of pleasure as he kissed him deeply.

Zach could feel his climax building once more. The waves of pleasure emanated throughout his entire body. It felt like electricity coursed through his body causing every hair on him to stand and he briefly wondered if there were little sparks of static shooting between them before he lost the ability to think at all. His heart was racing and he couldn’t get his breath no matter how much air he gulped in. Then he felt Alex’s body stiffen and then shudder and he felt powerful spasms running through Alex’s dick. He dimly realized that Alex was shooting and that pushed him over the edge too. He would have cried out if Alex hadn’t still had his mouth covered, locked in that passionate kiss. Even muffled he still managed to make loud strangled noises as the ecstasy of release coursed through him.

Slowly, Zach regained a measure of his composure and his rational mind slowly returned. Alex continued kissing him, nibbling playfully at his lips and chin but the sweet urgency of desire had been satisfied. They both luxuriated in the afterglow of mutual release, content simply to remain in each other’s arms. The exquisite pleasure followed them both into sleep nestled together, cuddling even in slumber.

To Be Continued.