Alex and Zach - 9. Chapter 9

Alex was in a foul mood as he walked across campus toward his apartment. He had been thinking about his relationship with Zach. Or more properly, his lack of relationship. Things had been deteriorating ever since they had come back to school and Alex wasn’t sure why.

Alex had had some real hope that Zach was finally going to let him into his life. The night they had got back to college after Christmas Break, Zach had started to pour his heart out. Alex had finally felt that Zach was beginning to trust him.

What a difference a single night could make! The very next morning Zach had started to pull back again. Zach had almost appeared cold. Alex had initially put it down to embarrassment over revealing so much of his family history. But that night when they had gone to bed Zach had crawled into his own bed instead of joining Alex in his. Alex’s heart had nearly broken at that. Worse, here it was a month later and they were still in separate beds. Zach had seemed to revert back to before they had told each other how they felt about each other.

Alex was nearly scowling as he thought about everything between Zach and him when he heard someone calling his name. Shaking himself out of his gloomy pondering, Alex looked up to see Cindy coming towards him. Alex nearly growled in frustration. He just didn’t think he was up to handling Cindy today.

"Hey Alex," Cindy said as she walked up next to him. "I haven’t seen you and Zach for a while. How have you guys been doing?"

Alex glanced over at Cindy as they continued walking, wishing she would just go away. Why couldn’t she take a hint? Alex didn’t bother replying to Cindy’s questions, instead he just grunted with a sound of pure disgust.

Cindy reached over and grabbed Alex’s arm making him stop. "Alex, stop and talk with me." Cindy stared into Alex’s eyes for a few seconds, seeing the frustration pictured there. "I take it you and Zach are still having problems with your relationship."

"What relationship?" Alex demanded exasperated. "Zach doesn’t trust me enough to have a relationship. He won’t talk to me at all."

Cindy frowned a little, concern on her face. "I thought he started telling you about some of his experiences growing up."

Alex sighed, his shoulders slumping slightly. "He did. I thought he was finally going to start opening up. I thought things were going to start getting better, that he would finally start telling me what he was thinking. But he hasn’t." Alex sighed again, the tension and anger slowly started to fade as he talked with Cindy. "Zach told me about the time his step mom dumped all the stuff out of his desk and how his dad didn’t stand up for him. I really thought he was beginning to trust me. But the next day, he was so cold. Zach would barely even talk with me. He’s pulled back so much. We don’t even sleep in the same bed anymore."

As Alex finished that last statement, a couple of undergraduate females walked by and stared at them curiously. "Shit!" Alex exclaimed as soon as they were out of earshot. "Great! That’s all I need now. A bunch of rumors running around about me."

"Oh chill out Alex," Cindy tried to comfort. "They don’t know who you were talking about. For that matter, they don’t even know who you are. They’re just a couple of freshman girls. Who the hell are they gonna tell?"

Alex was still annoyed but was realistic enough to realize that Cindy was right and there wasn’t anything he could do about it now anyway. "Why won’t Zach trust me?" Alex asked. "How can we build a relationship if he won’t even talk to me?"

Cindy stared off into space for a few moments before answering. "Alex, you have to be patient with Zach. You have to understand, he’s really scared right now. Zach told you something personal about himself. Now he’s pulling back to see what you do with it." Cindy looked right into Alex’s eyes smiling wistfully. "Zach is waiting to see if you hurt him with what he told you Alex. In the past, anytime he’s opened up to somebody he’s always been burned. After he realizes you aren’t going to hurt him, he’ll start to tell you more."

"But what if he doesn’t?" Alex asked no longer bothering to hide the pain in his voice. "What if he never trusts me? Zach’s barely speaking to me. What if he never opens up to me?"

Cindy patted Alex on the arm comfortingly. "He will Alex. Trust me. He’s getting himself ready to open up to you. Zach is just about ready to start telling you more. He’s just working himself up to it."

Alex sighed again. "I hope so Cindy. This is driving me crazy and I don’t know how much more I can take."

Cindy started frowning and her eyes got a distant look to them. "Alex," she finally said, "what are you doing tomorrow after classes? And when do your classes end?"

Alex expressions became very confused. "My last class ends at 11 and then I’m suppose to meet my study group at the library. Why?"

Cindy didn’t answer for a couple of seconds, obviously debating with herself. "Can you skip your study group tomorrow and just go straight home?"

Alex was really confused now. "Well, yeah I guess I could, but why?"

"Just trust me on this one," Cindy answered. "Just go straight home after class. Don’t ask me any questions, but if you go straight home, you’ll get a chance to learn more about Zach’s past. He’ll try and pick a fight with you when he sees you home early, but don’t let him run you off."

"What are you talking about Cindy?" Alex asked exasperated. "Zach would never pick a fight with me. And why do I need to be at home?"

"I promised I wouldn’t say anything, so don’t ask," Cindy replied. "I’m already bending my promise, but I think it’s important that you be there. And believe me, he will try and pick a fight with you tomorrow. And stop staring at me like that. I’m not going to tell you anything else so just stop it."

Alex glared at Cindy for several minutes wanting to yell at her but knowing it would be pointless. "Fine!" he practically yelled. "You’re not making any sense, but fine, I’ll be there."

"Good!" Cindy smiled at Alex. "I promise you’ll understand later even if I have to break my promise and explain it to you. I’ve got to go now. I’ll see ya tomorrow."

Alex shook his head even more confused as he watched Cindy leave. He couldn’t help wondering what was going to happen tomorrow. What could possibly be going to happen that would help explain everything?

***

The next day Zach was sitting in the living room waiting for Cindy to arrive and pick him up. He wasn’t looking forward to this trip. It was something he didn’t want to do, but it was something he thought that he should. Zach just wished that he didn’t have to rely on Cindy to drive him. He would have much preferred to make this visit on his own. Zach never willingly let anyone make this trip with him and if it weren’t for his broken leg there wouldn’t have been anyone with him on this trip either.

Zach just wished the day were over already. The enforced idleness of waiting on Cindy was giving him way too much time to think and he didn’t want that right now. Mainly because all he could think of was that he had hurt Alex again and just last night too.

The evening had been very uncomfortable. Zach knew that that was his fault. Ever since he had told Alex the story of his father’s betrayal, things had been tense between them. Zach knew he was to blame for that too. He just couldn’t help it. After revealing so much, he had had to distance himself from Alex for a while. It wasn’t a question of wanting to, Zach had to draw back to protect himself. It was much too intense and he had to have time to process his emotions.

But that evening seemed even more tense than normal. Alex had seemed distracted and at the same time overly attentive. It had almost seemed to Zach that Alex wanted to talk about something but didn’t know how to say it. And that confused Zach. Even when he didn’t know what to say, Alex had always been able to express himself. But Alex had seemed at a loss for words.

Finally Zach couldn’t stand it anymore and went to bed early saying he was tired. He wasn’t sure how long he had been laying in the dark just staring at the ceiling when Alex quietly entered the room. Zach could clearly see Alex staring straight at him, but in the dark he knew Alex couldn’t really see him. Zach knew Alex thought he was asleep and although it made him feel guilty, he decided not to correct that.

Zach watched as Alex stared at him for several minutes. Then he heard Alex sigh. "I wish you would trust me," Alex said so softly Zach could barely hear him. Zach knew Alex was talking to himself and he felt even guiltier at listening in to his private thoughts. "I love you Zach. And it hurts that you won’t trust me enough to talk to me." Alex sighed again and then turned and got into his own bed.

Tears were running down Zach’s cheeks after hearing what Alex said. Finally he had to roll over and bury his head into his pillow to muffle the sounds of his sobbing. Zach had spent the rest of the night awake, more miserable than he could remember ever being in his life.

Zach was starting to stress himself out again thinking about Alex and the events of last night. He had to mentally push those thoughts to the side for now. Zach knew he was going to have a hard enough time just making the visit, he didn’t need to have an anxiety attack on top of it too. Still, he couldn’t stop fidgeting as he impatiently waited for Cindy to show up.

After what seemed an eternity, Zach heard someone walking up onto the porch. Finally! He thought to himself. Zach started to go let Cindy in when the front door opened and Alex walked in. Zach was immediately confused since he knew Alex normally went to the library for his study group after class on Fridays. Alex showing up now was the worst possible timing.

"What are you doing home?" Zach asked frowning, his confusion evident in his voice. "Aren’t you suppose to be with your study group today?"

"Yeah," Alex answered in as neutral a tone as he could muster. Alex tossed his books onto the couch and plopped down next to them. "I just didn’t feel like it today. Besides, the homework assignments are pretty light this time."

Zach scowled at Alex’s comments. What the hell was he going to do now? Cindy was going to be here any minutes and Zach knew Alex would insist on going too when he found out that they were going to take a trip. Why couldn’t Cindy have gotten there a little earlier? How was he going to get Alex to stay behind?

"I wish you would have told me," Zach nearly snarled, frustrated that his plans were going awry. "I really wanted some time by myself today."

Zach thought that maybe he could irritate Alex into leaving for a while. Unfortunately, Alex didn’t even look up at his comments. "I’ll be quiet. You won’t even notice I’m here," was the only response Alex made.

Zach glared at Alex for a few seconds. "When have you ever been quiet?" he growled. "You’ve never learned to shut the fuck up!"

Alex looked up at Zach, his face expressionless. "I’m not going to fight with you Zach," he said in an absolutely level tone.

Zach’s eyes flashed fire. He was absolutely pissed now and Alex’s refusal to fight was just irritating him that much more. Zach opened his mouth to start an angry retort when Cindy walked in the door. Zach immediately turned on her. "Why the hell are you so late!" he yelled.

"Calm down Zach," Cindy said in a level tone. "Class was a little long today. I got here as soon as I could. Are you ready to go? Is Alex coming too?" Cindy carefully avoided looking at Alex and Zach didn’t miss noticing that, which pissed him off even more.

"Fine!" Zach yelled. "Why don’t you invite the entire fucking campus to go? Maybe we can turn it into a beer bash." Zach turned to grab his coat but not before he noticed Alex glancing worriedly at Cindy. "Oh come on Alex. I already know Cindy told you to be here so that you would end up going too." Without waiting for an answer, Zach grabbed his crutches and made his way out the door and towards Cindy’s car.

"Oh this is going REAL well Cindy," Alex said sarcastically as soon as Zach had walked out. "What exactly were you planning for an encore?" Alex grabbed his coat and started out the door.

"I told you he’d try to pick a fight with you Alex," Cindy replied starting towards the door herself. "Just be patient and it’ll work out. Trust me."

Alex rolled his eyes in disgust as the two of them got into Cindy’s car. Zach had already taken the front passenger seat and was moodily staring out the window refusing to acknowledge either of them. Cindy began driving and Alex was a little surprised when she immediately headed towards the highway out of town. They drove for about an hour and a half in complete silence, the tension so thick it was nearly tangible.

Alex had no idea what their final destination was going to be and became very confused when Cindy pulled off the highway into a little town about fifteen miles north of where he knew Zach lived. Cindy drove for a few minutes through town, making occasional turns at Zach’s curt instructions. And then Zach indicated a turn that led straight to a cemetery. Cindy turned into the cemetery and drove around the winding path for a few minutes before Zach indicated for her to pull over.

Zach stared out the car window for a few minutes. Finally without saying a word, he got out of the car, grabbed his crutches and slowly made his way through the rows of graves. Eventually he stopped in front of a granite tombstone bearing the name Patricia Anderson. Zach looked at the stone for several minutes, standing in silent contemplation.

"Hi Mom," Zach finally said quietly, his voice barely audible even to his own ears. But nobody really had to hear him. Speaking aloud had become a habit when talking with his mom, one he didn’t even think about anymore.

"I’m sorry I didn’t come alone like I usually do. You know Cindy already. She’s been here once before with me. The time when dad wouldn’t let me drive for a month. The other one is Alex. He’s my roommate at college." Zach paused for a few moments. "I love him Mom."

"That’s why I’m here Mom. I’m sorry I never told you I was gay before. But I am. I never wanted to admit that to anyone before, not even you. I never thought I would need to. I didn’t think I would ever find anyone to love. Or find anyone who loves me. But I love him Mom."

Zach looked away from the tombstone and towards the woods that were behind the cemetery. "He loves me too Mom. But I keep hurting him. I keep pushing him away and I can’t do that anymore. I have to tell him the truth Mom. I know I promised I would never talk about it, but I have to tell him Mom."

Zach looked back down at the face of the tombstone with tears rolling down his cheeks. "That’s why I’m here Mom. I had to tell you in person that I was breaking my promise. Please forgive me."

Overcome with emotion, Zach dropped to his knees next to the grave beginning to sob. "I’m so sorry Mom! I wish the past had never happened! I’m so very sorry!" Zach clenched his eyes closed, sobbing so hard his body was trembling.

***

Back at the car, Alex and Cindy got out of the car and had watched Zach slowly make his way towards a particular grave. Alex had started to follow Zach but Cindy had grabbed his arm holding him back. Alex glanced over at Cindy and saw her shake her head no.

"He wants to do this alone Alex," Cindy whispered. "He never lets anyone go with him to his mom’s grave. If we hadn’t forced him he wouldn’t have let us come this far. If he could have driven himself, we wouldn’t even be here at all."

Alex looked at Cindy for a few seconds, confusion evident on his face. "What’s going on Cindy? What is it that I’m not seeing here?"

Cindy stared off into space for a while before answering. Finally, without even looking at Alex, she answered. "Zach is getting ready to tell you himself Alex. If he doesn’t tell you tonight, I’ll break my promise to him and tell you myself." Cindy turned and stared right into Alex’s eyes. "It’s better if he tells you, and when he does, just listen to him without interrupting. You won’t be able to totally understand why he feels the way he does, but you have to accept it. That will make more sense after he tells you."

Cindy’s expression became slightly fierce as she continued staring into Alex’s eyes, forcing him to maintain eye contact. "Alex, do you remember how much it hurt when I kneed you in the balls a few weeks ago? Well, if you hurt him over this, I swear to you I’ll rip your balls off and feed them to you!"

Alex stared at Cindy in astonishment for a moment, surprised at the intensity in her voice. "I would never willingly hurt Zach, Cindy. You have to know that. I know I probably have hurt him, but I would never deliberately hurt him."

Cindy smiled slightly. "I know Alex. But I wanted you to know how I feel. Be patient with him. He needs you more than you could possibly know."

Alex felt a lump form in his throat as he finally realized something that should have been obvious. "You love him don’t you Cindy? And I don’t mean just as a friend. You are in love with him aren’t you?"

Cindy smiled wistfully at Alex. "Yes," she answered simply. "I have been for as long as I can remember."

"Does Zach know?" Alex asked. "Have you ever told him how you felt?"

"No, he probably doesn’t know," Cindy answered with a small laugh. "You know how incredibly dense he can be about people. Obviously, I’ve never told him how I felt about him. What would be the point? I’ve known he was gay for a very long time. Telling him how I feel about him would only scare him and confuse him even more."

Alex had no idea how to respond to that. He knew Cindy was right. Zach would be confused and scared if he found out how Cindy really felt about him. And Alex knew that Zach would feel incredibly guilty too since Zach and Cindy were so close.

Shaking his head, wishing he knew what to do to make things better, Alex went back to watching Zach. When Alex saw Zach drop to his knees and begin sobbing, he instinctively started to go towards him again. Cindy however had grabbed his arm, restraining him once again.

"Let me go Cindy," Alex said a little angry at being held back. "Zach’s crying! I have to go to him!"

"No you don’t," Cindy answered gently. "I know he’s crying Alex. He always breaks down when he visits his mom’s grave. You can’t intrude right now. Zach will get control of himself in a few minutes. He’ll come back and we’ll go home. But you have to let him grieve alone right now."

Alex glanced over at Cindy, truly angry now. But then he saw the gentle determination in Cindy’s face and that she understood what Zach felt and needed better than he did. Alex also saw that Cindy was silently crying herself. The angry retorts died on his lips and he went back to watching Zach more confused than ever.

After a few more minutes, Zach slowly stopped sobbing. Alex saw him lay a hand on his mom’s tombstone for a few seconds in parting before he stood back up and slowly made his way back to the car. Without a word to either of them, Zach got back into the car. The look on Zach’s face was that of a broken hearted child and the tears were still running down his cheeks. Even though he didn’t understand everything that was going on, Alex had to fight to keep from crying himself.

The three of them drove home in total silence.

***

Later that night Zach was sitting on the couch just staring at the walls. To Alex it seemed like he had almost totally shut down. Zach had little reaction to anything happening around him, and when Alex tried to talk to him Zach’s only response was monosyllable replies. Alex was beginning to get scared and he had no idea what to do.

Finally, when Alex was getting ready to call his dad for help, Zach seemed to shake himself out of his dark musings. Zach turned slightly to stare into Alex’s eyes. Alex thought his heart would break at the expression on Zach’s face. The look Zach gave Alex was so haunted and there was so much pain in his eyes that Alex nearly started to cry himself.

"Alex," Zach began, his voice quiet but rock steady. "I need to tell you something. I want to tell you about my Mom and how she died. That’s where we were today. I had to tell Mom I was going to tell you about her before I could talk to you about it." Zach smiled a tired, wistful little smile. "I don’t imagine it meant all that much to her, but I still had to tell her."

Zach paused for a second to take a deep breath. "Mom died when I was two. I don’t really remember her at all. Except for pictures, I don’t even remember what she looked like. I’ve been told that she didn’t get to spend much time at home after I was born. She was in and out of hospitals all the time and she only got to come home for a couple of days at a time." Zach looked down at his lap, refusing to meet Alex’s eyes anymore. In a voice so quiet that Alex had to lean forward to hear Zach said, "And I’m the reason she died."

Tears were starting to roll down Zach’s cheeks again but still his voice was steady as he continued. "Dad wanted to have a large family. He comes from a large family so he wanted one of his own too. I’ve got nine aunts and uncles from his side of the family alone and that’s not counting their spouses. Mom had my sister Lisa fairly soon after they got married and two years later they had Mike. About a year later Mom was pregnant again but she miscarried in the fifth month. They waited for about a year and then tried again but Mom miscarried again, this time in the sixth month. I’ve learned that Mom didn’t handle those miscarriages very well."

Zach paused for a few moments gathering up his resolve to continue with the story. "Mom and Dad were getting ready to try again for another baby when she was diagnosed with cancer. The cancer had started in her lungs and spread to several other areas in her body. It was pretty serious, but the doctors considered it still treatable. Part of the treatment was a double mastectomy and a whole regiment of very powerful medications. The doctors were very optimistic and Mom actually had a very good chance of survival. After several months of treatment she was actually starting to improve but then they found out she was pregnant again."

Zach looked up briefly at Alex but just as quickly dropped his eyes back to his lap. "Mom was pregnant with me this time. She was never supposed to have me. The doctors advised Mom and Dad to terminate the pregnancy since she couldn’t continue her treatments without killing me and if she stopped taking her treatments she probably wouldn’t survive herself. There was even some question of whether I had already been affected or not by the medication she was taking. Becoming pregnant right then was a death sentence for one of us. Mom decided she would be the one to die and it was because of me. Mom never recovered from having me and she finally died from it. It’s my fault she died."

Alex was stunned at Zach’s revelation. He had no idea what to say or what to do to make Zach feel better. Alex was scared to intrude his thoughts into Zach’s thinking right then, but he felt he needed to say something to reassure him. Alex just wished he knew what it was.

"Zach," Alex began tentatively, choosing his words carefully. "Your mom’s death was not your fault. It’s terrible that it had to happen, but you can’t blame yourself. Nobody could possibly blame you for your mom’s death."

Zach looked up at Alex, his eyes still haunted. "Mike does," he nearly whispered. "And so does Dad."

Alex’s expression became incredulous. "What?" he protested. "Why would you think they blame you?"

Zach dropped his eyes back to his lap again. "I don’t just think it Alex. I know they blame me. Mike use to throw it in my face all the time. He use to love to try and upset me by saying Mom died because of me. We had several large fights over that. Dad asked me once why Mike and I were fighting and I told him what Mike said. Dad tried to explain that Mike was very young when Mom died and that it was hard for him to accept."

Zach’s voice had become very quiet again and he had begun to fidget. "There was something in Dad’s voice when he said that to me. I couldn’t help it, I asked him if he blamed me for Mom’s death too. He never did answer me. He just turned and walked away. But he didn’t have to answer me, I could see it in his eyes and his walking away from me confirmed it. Dad blames me as much as Mike does."

Alex stared at Zach in disbelief for several seconds. Finally he walked over and sat down next to Zach. Alex pulled Zach into him, folding him up in his arms and held him tightly. Zach started to sob as soon as Alex wrapped his arms around him. Zach’s entire body was shaking as the years of grief and guilt overwhelmed him.

***

Zach slowly came awake, but didn’t bother opening his eyes yet. He was in a state halfway between slumber and waking and just drifting. Dimly, Zach could feel Alex lying next to him and he was half conscious that he was resting his head against Alex’s chest. The feelings of peace, love and warmth washed over him and Zach was reluctant to disturb those sensations.

After last nights storm of weeping had subsided somewhat, Alex had gently led Zach into their bedroom. Zach remembered he had stood docilely as Alex had gently removed his clothes for bed. Alex had pulled back the covers on his own bed and gently helped Zach into it. Zach had watched as Alex quickly removed his own clothes and got into bed next to him. Alex had then wrapped his arms around Zach, forcing his head down to rest on his chest and held him tightly till he drifted off to sleep.

Zach opened his sleep filled eyes almost reluctantly and was immediately confronted with Alex’s smiling face staring straight into his eyes. Zach stared into those love filled eyes in wonder. He simply could not understand how Alex could care so much for him

"Good morning sleepy," Alex said, kissing his forehead tenderly. "I didn’t mean to wake you up."

Zach smiled back at Alex. "You didn’t. Not that I would have minded." Zach was quiet for a few seconds before continuing. "Alex, I truly do love you. I’m sorry for pushing you away in the past. I don’t deserve you. Why do you put up with me?"

Alex absently brushed the hair out of Zach’s eyes and kissed him again. "Because I love you," Alex answered simply, the truth of that in his eyes. "You’re stuck with me now Zach. I’m not going anywhere."

Zach’s eyes turned watery and Alex became concerned. "Hey! What’s wrong?"

Zach smiled at Alex even as he wiped the tears from his eyes. "Nothing’s wrong. It’s just…I don’t think anyone but you has ever told me that they loved me before."

Alex leaned down and kissed Zach on the mouth so softly it was feather light. Alex continued kissing Zach with butterfly softness and Zach began to feel his pulse quicken. Alex began nibbling playfully at Zach’s lips and chin. Zach couldn’t help groaning lightly and Alex stopped briefly to smile at him and then resumed nibbling and nipping down Zach’s neck.

Zach could feel himself getting hard as the waves of pleasure washed over his body. He could also feel Alex was in the same state since Alex was grinding his crotch into him. Zach tried to grab a hold of Alex, to run his hands over Alex’s body, to try and return some of the pleasure he was receiving. But Alex grabbed hold of his hands and gently forced them back down to the bed behind Zach’s head. Then Alex resumed nibbling down his neck and chest while his fingers lightly stroked up and down Zach’s ribs and underarms, tickling him lightly, all the while still grinding their crotches together.

Zach began to squirm as the dual sensations of being tickled and sexual pleasure contended in his mind. The waves of sensation washing over his body left him light headed and his senses were reeling. Zach no longer was able to speak, he didn’t even seem to be able to form words. Dimly, Zach could hear himself whimpering as the waves of pleasure climaxed in his body. Thrusting involuntarily, Zach shot several long streams between their two bodies. The added sensation was enough to send Alex over the edge too and Alex added his own shots to the fluid collecting between them.

Alex continued kissing and nibbling long after they had calmed down slightly. Zach looked into Alex’s eyes to see a mischievous smile there as Alex continued his play and Zach felt his body beginning to respond again. Idly, Zach wondered how long Alex intended to stay in bed today. Smiling as he began kissing Alex back, Zach realized he didn’t want it to end anyway.

To Be Continued.