Ugly Davey - 7. Chapter 07 – Queen of Bitchiness

Chapter 07 – Queen of Bitchiness

“Wait, wait, wait! Tell me again what happened!” I could hear Rick laughing his ass off on the other end of the phone.

I groaned as I collapsed onto my couch while toeing off my shoes and chucking the ugly glasses I had been wearing all day onto the coffee table. I laid down on the couch with my head on the armrest as I loosened my horrendous pink tie that was covered in a vomit of neon colored splats.

It was Friday, which meant that I had two days off of work and at this moment there was nothing more that I was dreading than returning back there on Monday. Things had started off well on my first few days at the job. In fact, I was proud of the developing friendship between what had now come to be my normal lunch crew. Janet, Megan, and Dolores were great and I even liked Jared regardless of his numerous cracks at my choice of wardrobe. But the constant bitching of Rachel every time I came in sight of her and her increasingly aggravating behavior was starting to take a toll. No matter how much I wanted to yell at her or bang her head into the wall, I had held off and taken her insidious comments stoically. I didn’t want to cause any trouble for Tyler when he returned from his trip and I really didn’t want to take the risk of getting fired from the firm before I even got to do some real work instead of playing Minesweeper all day.

I had thought that the whole week would pass by with me playing countless computer games, listening to Rachel’s incessant bitching, and spending the surprisingly enjoyable lunchtime hangouts with my lunch crew. But things with Rachel had escalated today. So much so that I was actually fearful of going back to work on Monday.

I groaned again which only caused Rick to laugh harder.

“C’mon Davey! Spill out all of the details!”

“God Rick this isn’t funny! I’m actually scared for my life. I don’t even know how I’ll be able to show my face at the office on Monday,” I said covering my eyes with my arm.

“Nah Davey, you know what happened was hilarious. Now tell me everything from the start,” Rick insisted.

“Ugh! Ok so during a lull in my extremely busy schedule, I decided to take a break.”

Rick snorted, “Yeah 'extremely busy schedule' my ass! Don’t you mean when you got bored of playing Minesweeper again?”

“Hey! Who’s the one telling the story here?” I huffed.

“Oh sorry for interrupting Master Davey, please continue,” Rick laughed.

I gave an annoyed grunt before continuing. “OK so I decided to go into the break room and grab some coffee.”

“Were you using your Transformers mug?”

“Shut up and stop cutting in!”

Rick just laughed some more.

“Where was I…Oh yeah so when I entered the lounge, who else happens to be in there other than the Queen of Bitchiness herself and her royal posse. Rachel was in there loitering around the coffee machine, hanging out with her fellow vultures”

“And these are the people that have been talking behind your back about you, right?”

“Right! All because of your stupid ass plan to make me dress like an idiot!”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Continue the story please,” Rick said like he had no care in the world even when it was his stupid plan that was causing his best friend so much trouble.

I shook my head in disgust and continued. “So I was about to turn around and walk right out, when Rachel says in this sickly sweet tone, 'no need to go David, we were just leaving',” I said trying to mock her voice. “And then she leaves with her posse following behind her. I knew something was up the moment she left without making a snarky comment but I really needed a coffee boost to get through the day. So I let it go and thought nothing of it.”

“That was your mistake,” commented Rick as he stated the obvious.

“No shit Sherlock! Anyway, I continued on to the coffee machine and made myself some coffee in my Transformers mug,” I said for Rick’s amusement.

Rick snickered.

“So there I was mixing the sugar into my coffee when I hear some people entering behind me.”

Rick’s snickers grew louder in volume since he knew what was coming next.

“I turn around and find myself face to face with none other than Dean Smith.”

“The guy that made you pop a woody in the middle of the cafeteria?” Rick was laughing so hard that he was gasping for breath.

“Rick!” I yelled in exasperation, “You’re supposed to be on my side, not making fun of me!”

“S…so…sorry!” Rick barley managed to get out.

I rolled my eyes even though he couldn’t see. “Dean was there with a few of the senior associates that work at our firm and as you mentioned, due to my embarrassing situation in the cafeteria last Monday, I tried to play it cool. So I just leaned back against the counter and greeted him.”

“Go on…Did he greet you back?”

This time it was I who snorted. “Yeah right! He just gave me one of those patented Dean Smith icy cool stares. And then he started moving towards the coffee machine that was right next to me.” I closed my eyes, remembering the panic I had felt that my body would once again react to seeing him. “To try and act normal and not like I wanted to see him all sweaty and naked, I casually took a sip of my coffee.”

“Here it comes,” Rick cackled evilly.

“He was probably not even a foot away from me at this point. But right when the first sip of coffee hit my tongue, I realized why Rachel had left without saying anything to me. The stupid bitch had replaced the sugar with salt! And all that coffee came spraying out of my mouth and directly onto Dean’s crisp white shirt!”

Rick laughed so hard that I heard a loud thump from his end. “I fell off my chair laughing,” Rick barely managed to get out.

Rick might have found this situation hilarious, but I was the one who had seen the look of horror on Dean’s face. How his eyes had gone colder than the Arctic as he wiped the few drops of coffee off his face and looked down at his shirt.

“Oh my god! He’s going to kill me,” I whined to Rick.

It took a few moments for Rick to finally control his laughter. “But you said he didn’t do anything after that. That he just turned and left.”

“Yeah but you should have seen the look on his face and the senior associates that had come in with him. They were barely managing to hold in their laughter. He’s probably going to want to take revenge for embarrassing him in front of our co-workers on Monday.”

“Everything will be fine Davey. It might be scary now, but you’ll have your boss to back you up on Monday right? Have you talked to him about when he’s coming back?” asked Rick.

“Yeah, I spoke to him last on Wednesday. He said he should be all done there by Saturday and that he booked a flight out for Sunday. So he’ll definitely be back by then,” I replied.

“Well there you go, problem solved.”

“Easy enough for you to say, you're not the one whose head will be on a pike come Monday,” I grumbled at him.

“OK I got it! I know how to make you feel better and get you out of the gloom you’ve got yourself stuck in.”

“And how is that Mr. Jones?” I asked him sarcastically.

“You just be ready by nine, Amy and I’ll come over to pick you up. We'll take you out to that new gay club you've been wanting to check out,” said Rick, already in his full planning mode. “Josh already wanted to stay over at our neighbors’ house since their grandchildren are visiting again. So all you need to do is be decked out in one of your tight gay-men attracting outfits and we’ll hit the town.”

“Wait, what? Why? How’s that supposed to make me feel better about everything?” I asked baffled.

“Easy Davey! We’re going out on a mission to get you laid!” With that Rick hung up the phone, leaving me staring at my ceiling and listening to the dial tone.

To be continued…