The Funny Thing Is - 19. …Some Things Are Out Of Your Control

The Funny Thing Is… Some Thing Are Out Of Your Control

Readers, I’ll admit it once and I’ll admit it a thousand times. As things continued to move forward, I felt like things were slipping more and more out of my control. I was used to getting things I wanted. My way was usually the most sensible, and therefore, the most often taken. But as I sat there and watched my kids slip out of my control, my friends, my lover… I couldn’t help but wonder when I’d regain my footing.

Kyle is not the kind of guy who does things he doesn’t want to do. Kyle is not the kind of guy who puts other people’s feelings in front of his own. From the first time I met him, I knew that anything Kyle ever did, ever, had a benefit for Kyle attached.

Kyle is not the kind of guy who would call Chase to come over for anyone other than Kyle.

“You’re lying,” I whispered. I heard Spencer whisper something to Sebastian, and although I couldn’t make out the words, I knew it was about the table’s newest arrival.

“I swear to you, gamin,” Chase replied just as a waiter slid over to ask what entrée he wanted. He ordered the fish and a double gin with a twist.

“Now we’re only one down,” one of the super bland Sigma’s said. “What’s your name, man?”

“I’m Chase, um, Pallendrino,” he replied, hesitating on the last name.

“The swimmer?” the second Sigma asked.

Chase nodded and I understood why he’d paused.

“Kyle has the who’s who of Dallas here,” Spencer chimed in with just a little bit of edge to his voice. Luckily, just at that moment, the waiter set down a full tall glass of gin next to Chase, and my boyfriend took a healthy sip.

“It seems like it,” the lady drawled slowly, eyeing Chase from across the centerpiece. The whole introduction made me uncomfortable and nervous. “I fully expect the governor to make a surprise entrance.”

“So, Chase,” Sebastian said, leaning in to cut the random four people out of the conversation the best he could. “What have you been up to since arriving back in Dallas?”

He looked at me and then back at the boys.

“Um, just this and that,” he said. “Getting settled. I’m starting a position at St. Mark’s. Arranging to move my charity headquarters here.”

“I’ve read about your charity,” the woman chimed in again. “It’s a wonderful thing that you’ve done in the valley with high risk youth and water therapy.”

“It’s a passion of mine,” he replied.

“So you’re settling in then?” Sebastian asked. “For good?”

“That’s what it looks like, Bass, didn’t you hear him?” I wanted to believe that Sebastian wasn’t stooping to Spencer’s breed of sarcasm and attitude, but the proof was right in front of me. He surely was stooping, and it was as annoying as it was flagrant.

“Yeah, I plan on staying for quite a while,” Chase replied with another sip.

“Well welcome to the big D,” the woman across the table added with a sincere smile.

“Oh, he’s no stranger,” Spencer replied with his glass tilted and his eyes wide.

Chase smiled politely, and was luckily interrupted from having to respond by Jason standing at the make shift podium and introducing Kyle.

I won’t bore you with the details of Kyle’s speech. Quite honestly, most of it was targeted towards the financial community and how it was time for Dallas to clean up its act. They all could agree that safer streets meant more investment and employment opportunities. Kyle made a laundry list of promises to clean up the District Attorney’s office, and they were met with a round of applause.

“I’ll let you get back to dinner by saying just one more thing. I wouldn’t be here in this position if it wasn’t for the help of some very important people. Most of you in the room know my older brother Jason, and if you don’t I question how you got through security. Being born a Wriggs was a lucky break, but since then I’ve done a few good things on my own, the most important being surrounding myself with some incredible friends.”

I felt Chase squeeze my hand just a little tighter.

“Spencer, Sebastian, and Cooper,” Kyle continued. He looked right down towards us, and as he spoke, the two of us made intense eye contact. “The three of you are the best, most supportive, and most incredible friends a guy could ask for. I love you more than anything else in this life, and I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you. There is nothing, no position or office that I would trade for you guys. Thank you.”

I felt a tear roll down my eye, and I quickly flicked it away. I wondered what Bass and Spencer thought of Kyle narrowing in his address at me, focusing on me like a laser.

It was at that moment that I was 100 percent sure. Kyle was a great friend, and I knew that he would always be. I can’t honestly say he was a better friend than he would have been a lover or partner, but in that moment, seeing all that was around him and all the support he needed, I knew that I was a better equipped friend for him than I was a lover or a partner. In a different world, one in which we weren’t already so close, we might have worked. But hearing Kyle attribute portions of his success to the three of us, his best friends, I knew that the right decision had been made.

And that decision was holding my hand while Kyle spoke on.

If I thought Kyle’s nod of approval would soften the blow delivered by Spencer and Sebastian, I was mistaken. As soon as the speech portion of the evening was over and pear tarte tatin was brought out for dessert, the quips resumed.

Even as the champagne and cocktails continued to flow, Chase kept his composure. I’m sure he anticipated being grilled by my friends, and so he answered all of their questions simply and straight forwardly.

“So now that you’re here for the long haul, do you know which neighborhood you’ll decide to live in? Probably up north a little closer to St. Mark’s.”

“I really like Cooper’s neighborhood,” he said. “But I haven’t really looked for a place.”

Sebastian nodded. “Probably because you’ll be travelling a lot. With your family and your ex still in California.”

“There’s nothing left in California for me,” he replied, giving me a look and soft kiss on the neck.

“But being a former world athlete, that’s a busy job, right?” Spencer added. “Appearances, speeches, that sort of thing. How much time do you actually plan to spend in Dallas?”

“Oh, all of it. I’m done with that circuit.”

“Convenient,” Spencer said.

“I think it’s high time I establish roots,” Chase said. I wondered briefly how the other people at our table were keeping up, but they’d ventured off into their own conversation.

“I couldn’t agree more, babe,” I whispered.

“I’m sorry, but aren’t you still married?” I couldn’t tell if the question was directed towards me or Chase, but Spencer’s tone indicated he had finally reached his breaking point. I knew seeing Chase would be tough on him, especially considering how their relationship had started. But I had never pegged Spencer for the guy who would blurt out an inappropriate comment just to get a rise.

I was brought back to reality just as Bass brought his hand up to his head and shook it.

“Um, no actually,” Chase replied, taking the bullet for that one. His voice and his face were steely, and I could tell he was ready to defend our relationship at any cost. “I took care of all of that.”

“You took care of it?” Spencer charged forward. “How? By bringing your ex husband to Dallas and dropping him off at a detox clinic?”

“Spencer, you’re out of line,” Sebastian said. He pulled Spencer’s drink away from him.

“Gamin,” Chase said, looking at me sideways. There was a look of betrayal on his face, like he’d actually expected me not to tell my friends about Morgan.

“I just want to be sure what the arrangement is before we all get invested again,” Spencer added. “Is it some sort of Three Is Company thing going on?”

“Okay, Spencer, honestly. Shut your mouth,” I said, avoiding Chase’s face. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kyle look at our table and make brief eye contact with Spencer. Spencer looked from Kyle to me and then back at Kyle.

“I’m fucking out of here,” he said. He stood up abruptly and slammed his napkin down on his full dessert plate. It was a small scene, but the folks at our table and at least a couple at the tables surrounding us knew there had been some sort of skirmish at Kyle’s VIP support hub.

I got up to follow Spencer just as Kyle leapt from the head table to ours.

“What is going on?” Kyle gritted behind clenched teeth. I didn’t turn back. I let go of Chase’s hand and strode out of the ballroom. I walked quickly to keep up with Spencer, but not quickly enough to cause a scene. By the time I caught him and his long but sloppy strides, he was outside waiting at the valet stand.

“Is there something wrong?” I asked. A gust of wind chilled me as my best friend turned around and looked at me like he had no clue who I was.

“Are you fucking kidding me? The guy in there that you’re all over is a piece of shit, Cooper. Am I the only one that’s forgotten that he left you… twice?!?”

I licked my lips and put my hands up to Spencer.

“He left me, Spencer, you’re right about that. He left me. He did not leave you.”

“Oh my god.”

“You have no right to accost him and make him feel unwelcome,” I said, my voice nearing a shout. “If you don’t approve of our relationship, keep that shit to—“

“I’m not going to sit quietly and let him build you up just to hurt you again.”

“If that happens, I will get hurt, Spencer. It is not your job to protect me from that,” I said, punching every word. His car sped around the corner.

“But it’s my job to pick up the pieces when you fall apart? Because, let’s be honest, Cooper, you will fall apart, and we will have to pick up the pieces. All of us. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t ask us to fall in love with the guy when he’s here and then hate him when he’s gone.”

“I’m not asking you to do anything except forgive him, because I have. I don’t know if this will last forever…”

“Oh my god,” Spencer said, circling his car and opening the door. “You really are a hopeless romantic with your head so far up your own ass you can’t see what he’s done to you. You know what, I’m glad Kyle is moving on from you. Loving you only brings trouble to those unfortunate enough to do it.”

His eyes bore into me with a feeling I had never felt from Spencer before. Contempt. He was really angry at me, and for the life of me, I didn’t know why. It was my mistake to make if indeed it was a mistake. I had faith in Chase’s return, and I couldn’t understand why he didn’t see that.

“I can’t believe you would say that to me,” I said, my voice tempering. I could see my breath release in front of me, and I questioned if it was from the weather or Spencer’s being so cold.

“Cooper, I’m done watching you fuck up your life in the name of love. If he’s going to be around, then I’m not.”

Spencer got in the car. I took a step forward and punched at his passenger window.

“Spencer!” I shouted. He revved the car. “We are not done!”

I hit the window again, and the car sped off with a screech and a trail of smoke. I turned around and was met by the strong arms of Chase, pulling me in. I put my head in his chest, ignoring the fact that both Sebastian and Kyle were standing next to us, waiting for me to say something.

“I won’t be offended if you guys go,” Kyle said after a minute. I heard Sebastian tell the valet what my name was. I sniffed in, probably leaving trace amounts of snot on Chase’s suit.

I lifted my head and through red puffy eyes apologized to Kyle for ruining his night.

“Are you kidding? That was tame,” he replied, overdoing the breeziness. I could tell he was embarrassed, disappointed, and probably upset.

“I’m sorry,” Chase echoed. “I guess I shouldn’t have come tonight.”

“I invited you. If it was anyone’s mistake, it was mine,” Kyle said. He shrugged, folded his arms and with Sebastian behind him, they went back inside just as my car rounded the corner.

I didn’t vent until we were inside the vehicle, Chase behind the wheel, adjusting the heat settings.

“I can’t believe he would say that to me,” I hissed. “Who the fuck does he think he is? Coming here on his high horse.”

“Cooper, he has every right to be concerned for you. I wasn’t exactly the ideal partner after I left.”

“I get that, but that’s the past, Chase. I’ve gotten over it, why can’t he?”

“Because he loves you. And he worries about you. And he’s always bore that burden for all of you guys. Especially you.”

Especially me.

As Chase took off, turning right towards the junction of highway 35 and Highway 75, I thought about just how much Spencer did hold on to that burden.

“When did he get back?” he asked. I sat on the floor of his room in the swimming house which was identical in proportion to the room Chase had not too long ago. I sipped on vodka mixed with trace amounts of Gatorade, determined not to cry again.

“Tuesday.”

“How do you know?”

“I saw his Facebook.” I was numb from thinking about it. My voice was soft, held together by a single thin layer, like an egg, ready to crack.

“Cooper, maybe he’s back, but he’s with his family or something. Who knows? He could be really busy.”

“He would have called. If he was coming back to school, he would have called me and told me he was back.”

That’s when I lost it. That’s when the egg shell cracked open and I lost it again. Spencer sat down next to me, took my cup and hugged me tight. He was the only one that could have done it. Sebastian didn’t have enough compassion when it came to relationships. He could listen and offer advice, but he’d been with one girl his entire life. He didn’t know what I was going through.

Kyle physically cringed at the name Chase. They kept it civil on the surface, but there was barely any love lost between them when Chase left for London.

And I had perfected the art of keeping it together in front of Devon. She knew what I was going through, but there was something icy about her that made me feel weak showing emotions in front of her.

And that left Spencer. He’d been there from the beginning. Ground zero. He’d seen the ups and the downs and he knew how much I’d fallen for Chase and how quickly. I was a different guy when Chase was around, and he got that.

And that night, when I came to the realization that if he was coming back, he would have called, the only person who could make me feel any better, even just a little bit, was Spencer. And he did.

“Are you going to call him?” Chase asked. We were in bed, and he had his arm around me. It was only after we drove home, carried CJ up to his room and made sure everything was off and locked in the house did Chase finally lay next to me and wrap his arms around me.

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. I was still pretty pissed off about what he’d said and the way that he’d said it. I could almost understand where he was coming from, but it didn’t condone what he had done.

“I have to go out to Granbury in the morning,” Chase said. I scooted over and slid into his nook, facing away from him, and not wanting to hear anything about his trip to Morgan and the rehab facility.

“When are you coming back?”

“Hopefully tomorrow.” His voice was hollow, leading me to believe he had no clue when he’d be back. I nodded, glad that he couldn’t see my face.

On top of everything—my kids having to choose between me and Devon, Kyle flip-flopping on his feelings, Spencer making his feelings perfectly known, and my relationship causing a strain between Bass and Britney—I still couldn’t be with the guy I’d chosen. There was a Morgan shaped elephant in the room.

Maybe Spencer is right, I thought, as I willed myself to sleep. I wasn’t sure if Chase was craving intimacy, but hugging me was all he was going to get. I thought about the things Spencer had said as I felt Chase’s breathing grow slower and heavier.

I was hopeless when it came to love. I had been back and forth a million times about Kyle. At some points, it was I who wanted the steady relationship, and sometimes I was the one who sabotaged the very thought of it. I was done with Riley before it even started. Anyone who saw my relationship with Devon knew we were doomed from the start. And the saga I’d been with, with the one who could be chased but couldn’t be caught, was so long, it could have filled a book of its own.

What in the world made me think now was the time? Why were things different? Nothing had changed. I was still Cooper, save the fact I was a little older and my waist had grown to a 32 instead of a 28. Other than that, I was the same guy who couldn’t commit to Kyle, wouldn’t commit to Riley, and only partially committed to Devon.

“Babe, are you asleep?” I asked after God knows how long. I didn’t look at the clock, but instead turned around and faced Chase.

“Huh?”

“Are you sleeping? I need to ask you something.”

“Go ahead,” he mumbled with his eyes closed. I shook his body until they opened. “Go ahead.”

“What happens if I screw this up? If we screw this up?”

“What?”

“What happens if we screw this up? My track record isn’t perfect,” I began.

“Cooper.”

“Let me finish. I’ve never had a successful forever relationship. What happens if Spencer is right and I fuck this up? If we don’t work, then what?”

Chase looked at me and I felt crazy. I had woken him up to ramble about how inadequate I was at relationships, and instead of responding, he just looked at me like I should have been at the hospital instead of Morgan.

“You wanna know what’s great about forever relationships, gamin?” he said softly, smiling at me. “You only need one to get a perfect track record.”

He kissed me on the forehead, turned his body around so he was sleeping on his side, and a moment later, yawned and fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning to an empty bed and a full inbox.

There were half a dozen messages from Mason asking where the manuscript was in the process. I told him my progress so far and promised a rough draft by week’s end. I returned Sebastian’s phone call with an email. I skipped Kyle’s message, figuring I needed to see him on Monday or Tuesday anyway.

Then I got to the last message. It had been sent Sunday morning at about four a.m. It read one simple sentence with four words.

To Cooper: We need to talk.

I climbed out of bed, brushed my teeth, turned on my phone and called him.

“What do you want to talk about?” I asked, my voice stone cold and still slightly angry. I didn’t even say hello.

“I can think of a couple of things,” Spencer replied. I heard someone with a groggy voice whisper ‘Who is that?’ in the background.

“What do you want to do?”

“Want to go to Sambuca?”

“I’d rather not do this in public,” I said. “He’s not here if you want to come over.”

“Then I’ll be over in forty-five,” he said awkwardly. We hardly ever gave warning. We were the sort of friends that just showed up. I hung up, hopped in the shower, and when I was done, went upstairs to see if my son hadn’t died in the middle of the night. It was barely ten, and I knew the kid could easily sleep until two. With Spencer on his way, I decided to let him.

I brewed a cup of coffee and waited around until my friend came over for our make up appointment.

“Hey,” he said, following me in after knocking on the front door, another uncharacteristic thing.

“Come in,” I said, trying not to sound as annoyed as I felt. “Want something to drink?”

“If you have bottled water, that’d be great. Preferably something flat and French,” he croaked. He sounded like Spencer always sounded after a night of heavy drinking. I pulled a bottle of water out of the fridge, handed it to him, and sat across from him at my bar.

“So what’s up?” I asked, trying my best not to be confrontational.

“Look, I know I said some pretty hurtful things last night,” he began.

“A couple,” I replied. “What got into you?”

“I don’t really know,” he answered. “Just… seeing him again. It brought back a lot that resentment, I guess. And seeing how beside yourself you were. It’s like you forgot what this guy did to you.”

“I didn’t forget what he did,” I defended. “I’m working passed it, Spence.”

“Yeah, I’m getting that.” He pursed his lips and took a long sip. As I watched him gulp down the water, I wondered if that was all that was bothering him. Part of me knew it couldn’t be that simple. “Look, I’m sorry I blew up on you last night. It wasn’t my place.”

He took a pause, and then did a classic Spencer move.

“I did mean what I said. I feel like he’s bad news, and I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

He drained his water and set it down. I thought about what Chase had said last night about Spencer putting all of our feelings on his own shoulders to bare. It was his place to worry, because he’d made it his place.

“I get why you’re concerned, and you have every right to be,” I replied. “But if this is indeed a mistake, which I am more positive every day that it’s not, I need you to let me make it.” He nodded. “For some reason, I thought showing you Chase and how great we are would ease some of that concern, but I guess not.”

“Yeah, well,” he said noncommittally. It wasn’t something that was going to change overnight. It wasn’t something that might change ever. Spencer would always distrust Chase, he would always want me to be with Kyle, and that was a pill I’d probably have to swallow. To him, I hadn’t only picked Chase. I had picked Chase over his best friend.

“Spencer, he’s not going anywhere this time. And neither are you.”

My old friend tilted his head at me and grinned weakly.

“Evidently not. Let’s try keeping some of the group dinners to a minimum, yeah?”

I shrugged. We shot the shit awkwardly for a few more minutes. Spencer went on and explained that he drunkenly showed up at Troy’s apartment after he sped off last night. The spontaneity was apparently a huge turn on and they ended up fucking for four hours.

“I’m surprised you’re awake right now,” I said as I held the door open for Spencer.

“I’m surprised I can walk right now,” he replied. “I’m about to go take an Epsom bath to try to relax my muscles.”

“Okay, over-share, but thank you for that little update.”

I let Spencer out, took in a deep breath, and went upstairs to wake up CJ. As I made breakfast, waiting for my son to wake up and get himself together, I decided that I was right and that Spencer was wrong. The past was the past. Things were different. Chase was back, and our relationship was better than ever.

As if he knew that I was thinking about him, just as I was scrambling a batch of eggs, my phone rang.

“Hello, sexy,” Chase said, his voice low and gravely.

“Hi,” I smiled.

“I was going to wake you up this morning, but you looked so peaceful.”

“I’m sure the company had something to do with that,” I replied. I shut off the stove and spooned the eggs onto a plate.

“What do you and CJ have planned today?”

“I don’t know. He’s just barely getting up. Maybe some shopping. Hanging out.”

“He’s a good kid.”

“Yeah, that’s why you lasted exactly thirty minutes as a baby sitter.”

“He’s grown; he doesn’t need a sitter,” Chase laughed. “I, um. I’m about to go in and see him. So… hopefully everything is okay.”

“Yeah,” I replied. “When are you coming back?”

“I have work tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

“If everything is okay, I’ll stop by later tonight. If not, I’ll probably spend the night at the hotel. Is that okay?”

“Yeah,” I feigned support. “It’s fine. Just… making sure Morgan is okay is important right now.”

“Gamin, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you being supportive of this. Believe me, I can’t wait for him to be out of our lives so that we can finally move forward.”

The words were sincere. I could tell that from a hundred miles away. He wanted to be with me, the timing just wasn’t the most ideal. And to think, for me, that something like this would have sent me running in the other direction at a million miles an hour. Chase challenged me to fight for us, and that’s exactly what I was doing.

“Good morning, killer,” I said as CJ slinked down the stairs.

“Good morning, dad. How was Uncle Kyle’s party?”

“It was fun. It was a whole lot of fun,”

“Cool,” he replied as I handed over a plate and my son filled it with eggs and pan roasted potatoes. “I’m glad Chase got to go.”

“Yeah, how’d that go down, anyway?”

“Mm, he got a phone call. He jumped up, changed in like three minutes, told me that Mike was going to stop by at some point, and then he peaced out.”

“Do you know who called him?”

“He didn’t say.” CJ’s mouth was full, and I could tell that this line of conversation wasn’t the most stimulating. “He just left.”

“Cool,” I said, filling my own plate with food. I sat down next to CJ and we ate in silence for a couple of minutes. Nothing specific went through my mind, until a thought I couldn’t let escape without voicing it. “So what do you think about him?”

“Chase?”

“Yeah. Do you like him?”

“He’s a good guy,” CJ replied. He looked at me briefly. “He’s freaking crazy about you, you can tell.”

“You can?”

“Yeah, dad. You can totally tell. He like, I dunno. It’s pretty obvious, I guess.”

“Hmm,” I replied. I focused back on my plate with an answer I appreciated but didn’t totally expect.

I asked CJ what he wanted to do for the rest of the day, and he didn’t have any specific ideas. We got dressed and I drove us over to the North Park Mall. We walked around for hours, buying this, that, and the other. It was great spending time with CJ, listening to the things that trouble a thirteen year old, and helping walk him through those problems.

Four hours and several Gap Kids bags later, we returned home. CJ hadn’t done an ounce of homework all weekend, so I set up some classical music in the surround sound and we both locked ourselves in our rooms. I went to work truly dissecting my choices throughout my life and asking myself how I had come to the ultimate one.

When it all came down to it, the decision was simple. Kyle or Chase. Each had their pros and each had their cons. In the end, or what I thought was the end, I picked Chase.

But why?

Spencer knew me better than anyone on this planet. He knew me better than my own brother, for crying out loud. And for whatever reasons he had to distrust him, he saw something in Chase that made him the wrong choice. Did I just not see it? Was I blinding myself to whatever it was?

And then there was the inverse question. I had chosen Chase. That much was clear by the book’s end. But why not Kyle? If I spent so much time wondering why Chase, shouldn’t I have spent at least some time dissecting why it wasn’t the other guy?

And so I did. I put it all on paper.

Kyle and I would never work because we never worked. When we did date, we were on two separate pages of two different books. Sure, the passion and fire were all there. The elements of a perfect couple. But when I was ready to speed up, he wanted to put on the brakes. When I was ready to slow things down, it was now or never for him. And twenty years later, we were still writing each other into two different stories.

Kyle and I didn’t work simply because if we did, we would have worked by then. As I poured it all out on the line, I realized that what I had done was find the things in Chase that I never got in Kyle. Kyle loved me; that was for sure. But he had a constant need to change me. He brought me in to his space as opposed to building a space for us to share. I remember one and only Christmas as a couple. He bought me a suit, as if to say my clothes weren’t good enough for a Wriggs.

Chase, on the other hand, pursued me for who I was. It was as simple as that. I never felt like I needed to be anyone different in front of him. I never felt dominant or submissive. I felt balanced. And that was what was lacking with Kyle Wriggs.

Four hours, two cups of coffee, and another hundred rough pages later, I came to a profound conclusion.

I was lucky.

To have to choose between two of the best men I’d ever known made me the luckiest man on earth. How many people get to say that they’ve experienced two life-changing love affairs? How many people get to make the choice between two guys who could easily have their pick of the litter? Not a lot, I surmised. And with that, I wrote my closing remarks, acknowledging for my readers that I knew what how lucky I was to have the problem I had; and while I was too chicken to choose before, I wasn’t anymore. I’d made my choice.

I sent the draft to Mason, and sighed relief. One piece of my dismantled puzzle was back in place. I forced myself to enjoy the small victory with a glass of bourbon and a phone call.

“Hello?” Although the voice was familiar, it wasn’t the voice of the guy I had called.

“Um, is Chase in?” I asked, taking a sip of the warm cocktail.

“May I tell him who’s calling?”

“It’s Cooper,” I replied tartly.

“Cooper… who?”

“Give Chase the phone, please,” I demanded. My voice was clearly on edge, and if he couldn’t hear that I had the potential to lose it, he was dumber than I thought.

“I like your manners.”

“Thank you. Now put him on the phone.”

“Okay, okay. Don’t get feisty.” His voice was rough, like sand paper against the ear drums. And in some ways, the hisses that accompanied every ‘s’ sound were sexy to boot. “He’s not here right now.”

“Where is he, Morgan?”

“He’s out… getting food. And other stuff.”

The way he said other stuff sent a chill down my spine. I knew what he meant, and he knew that I got his implication without a shadow of a doubt.

“What other stuff?”

“Have you ever wondered why he comes running when I call? What do I possibly have that he can’t get enough of?”

“What are you talking about?” I asked over him, but he continued talking.

“There must be something… let’s see… what could it be?”

“You’re a goddamn liar.” My voice interrupted his, partly so that I wouldn’t have to hear what I knew he was about to say.

“Oh, that’s right. Chase could never get enough of my cock.”

I shook my head, as if that could be communicated over the phone.

“You heard it here first, gamin. He may be back in Texas with you, but he’s here in Granbury with me. And he’s getting stuff so that when I fill his ass up tonight, I don’t split him in two.”

The voice went from the taunting upper edge of his register down to a very serious whisper. I knew he was trying to bait me. He wanted me to flip out. He wanted me to call Chase and demand he come home. He wanted to test the limits of my trust for a man who had shown the capacity for abandonment.

“You tell yourself whatever you need to, Morgan. But you tell Chase, when he gets there, that I called. And then you let him come home.”

There was a long silence from the other end. I almost thought he’d hung up, but I fought the urge to say anything. I simply waited for him to respond.

“I’m not letting him go,” Morgan hissed, his voice returning to its higher pitch of mockery. “You should know that, I am not letting him go...”

I was a split second away from responding when Morgan finished his sentence with words that I will never forget as long as I live.

“I am not letting go… if it kills me.”

I took in a sharp breath, opened my mouth, and heard a click on the other end of the line. I sat there in my study as Rachmaninoff blared in the background. I played his words over and over in my mind, unable to drown them out.

If it kills me.

Just what was Morgan capable of? He’d proven that he could manipulate Chase like none other, bringing a guy to his knees with one phone call. What if he was telling the truth? What if Chase was physically addicted to him? What if there was something he was getting from Morgan that he couldn’t get from me?

What if I had chosen wrong?

I almost jumped out of my seat when I heard a knock on my door. I turned to see CJ creep into my bedroom.

“I thought you were asleep,” he said, opening the door and coming in. “I’ve been calling you.”

“Oh, sorry. I was sort of thinking,” I recovered.

“Where’s Chase?”

“He’s with a friend of his that needs his help.”

“Help how?”

“Help in a very adult like manner,” I said, circling the issue. I looked into CJ’s eyes and knew that he really wanted to know. He saw something in Chase and I that he’d probably never seen in his mother and me. “Chase’s friend is very sick. And he’s done a lot of terrible things to his body. And for whatever reason, Chase wants to help him get better.”

“That’s nice of him,” CJ answered.

I tried my best to cop my attitude, but there was no way I was masking how I really felt. What Chase was doing was nice, for sure. What Morgan was making him do was pure evil.

After CJ went to bed, I showered, made a cup of chamomile tea and tried to watch old Friends reruns in grainy 1080p until I fell asleep. Aggregated, I must have a slept a total of twelve minutes that night, and never more than a couple seconds in a row. Morgan’s voice kept swarming through my brain, filling me with thoughts that I couldn’t afford to think. At one point, I was convinced that Chase had already left me, and that he wasn’t coming back.

Finally, at about 2 a.m., I sat up and dialed his number.

“Gamin,” he croaked as if I’d woken him up from a deep trance. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” I replied. Why was I calling? How could I explain to him that I was paranoid to the point of exhaustion? “I just wanted to say good night.”

I tried my best to mask what was really bothering me.

“Is everything okay?” he repeated.

If I told him the truth, he’d think I was crazy. And so I lied, and told him everything was alright.

Luckily, I was able to distract myself the next day from Morgan’s taunting with a full day of office visits, lectures, and grading. As the semester wore on, students began to care more about their grades, and that meant I had to be more accessible to explain to them how to improve.

I spent most of the morning explaining what would be on the third midterm, the last one before the final after fall break. After that, I had a lecture, more office visits, and then a slew of email messages from Mason.

To Cooper: Love, love, love the whole thing. Read it this morning. I’m dying right now. It’s currently sitting in Regina’s inbox and once she gives the green, I’ll send it to your editing team. You never disappoint. Love Mase.

I sighed one sigh of relief. Something in my upside down world was working out. I didn’t have time to celebrate for too long, however. Right under Mason’s message, was a note from Devon saying that they had made it home safely and wondering if I could pick CJ up after school and drive him home.

The message from her smacked me in the face that in less than a week, my kids would be picking where they wanted to live, and everything around me could very well crumble once again.

I spent the rest of the afternoon on pins and needles, dreading the thought that Liz would say how much she adored Chicago. I knew she would. She was a big city kind of girl, and once she knew what was out there, Dallas wouldn’t be big enough. I tried to tell myself her decision wouldn’t be personal, but who the fuck was I kidding? I’d betrayed her and her mother. She had no reason to choose.

Part of me wished she wouldn’t be home when I picked CJ up from soccer league and drove him to Highland Park. Part of me wanted to get in, get out, and not have to face what I knew I’d face when the official decision came.

“Are you coming in? I told Lizzy you were dropping me off and she wants to see you,” CJ said when I pulled into my old driveway. I hesitated for just a second.

“Yeah, of course,” I replied. I followed my son through the side kitchen door and into the huge house.

“Hey Lizzy, Dad’s here!” I watched him bound up the stairs as I waited with a lump the size of a golf ball in my throat.

“Hey there, beautiful,” I said to my daughter when she came down wearing valor sweats and a tank top. “No school today?”

“We got home so late last night, and I was beat. Mom’s upstairs still asleep,” she added. “I think she might be in a trip induced coma.”

I smiled at her, trying my best not to let my paranoia seep through.

“So, how was the trip?”

“Dad, you won’t believe how amazing it was,” she said. Her eyes glowed as soon as she began talking about it, and I knew I’d lost her. “It was so beautiful.”

“Cold, though, no?”

“Yeah, sort of. But I bought all these sweaters and scarves. The buildings are just so high and everything is so fast paced.”

I nodded along as she described the view of the lake from the condo her mom signed on while they were there. She prattled on and on about the shopping, the museums, and the food. I didn’t know my daughter to eat much, but seeing how excited she got about a restaurant called Yolk confirmed my biggest fear.

“It sounds like you had a blast,” I said softly. I wanted out of there as quickly as possible, but I couldn’t show my daughter that I knew she was about to break my heart. I felt like a sitting duck, waiting for the announcement that was about to come.

“I did, Dad,” she said. Her face contorted just a little, and I knew she was getting ready to deliver the blow. I held her gaze, and waited.

And then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. The words etched so sharply into my heart, I felt like I might explode.

“I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry, Dad.”