The Funny Thing Is - 20. ...The Right Decisions Are Often the Hardest to Make

• Full
• 3/4
• 1/2

The Funny Thing Is… The Right Decisions Are Often the Hardest to Make

Sometimes in life we are forced to make important decisions. We weigh the options. We pro and con the choices. At the end of the day, we can only take one path, make one decision, follow one choice. When I had to choose between two paths that were both nearly impossible, I realized one thing: sometimes the most difficult choice is the right one.

“Draw up the papers, Kyle,” I said to my best friend from across his dark wooden desk. We weren’t in the casual portion of his office, with two couches separated by a low glass table and a decanter of brandy in the middle. We were at the portion of his office where tough decisions were made. Where he lawyered, and I gave my children away.

“Cooper, there are other ways,” he replied, trying his best to remain professional while still empathizing with what I was going through.

“Kyle, I can’t right now. Just do it, have me sign them, and have them whisked over to Franklin and Judge Sizemore.”

He nodded, turned to his computer and began typing at a million words per second.

“Why?” he asked, slipping his reading glasses on and glancing over at me.

I was glad he asked me. It was the first time since I’d made the decision the previous evening that I had been able to articulate the words. Chase hadn’t come home from Granbury, and I had spent the entire night tossing, turning, and deciding.

And then I decided. I had to let them go.

“Look, it’s complicated.”

“Cooper, I get you. I really do. You may not realize it all the time, but I get you better than anyone besides maybe Spencer. And this, right here, I don’t get. Just tell me why.”

“When I was talking to Lizzy last night, Kyle, there was a spark in her eyes about Chicago and the move and everything that it represented. We’ve all been through a lot in the last couple months, and I’m getting to start over, Devon is starting over. Fuck, look at you Mr. Public Office. It’s unfair to assume that because they’re kids, my kids don’t need something new to excite them again.”

Kyle nodded, and I knew he was starting to get it.

“She wants to go, and she will resent me every single day she’s here until she gets to.”

“What about CJ? I mean, it isn’t too late to kick back the deal, and we all know he’ll pick you.”

“I don’t want him to,” I replied. A pool welled up in my right eye and I felt like I was ripping my own heart out and handing it over to the judge myself. “I don’t want them to grow up apart. I want them to have each other in all of this, if nothing else.”

“He’ll be crushed.”

“He’ll get it,” I said. Kyle raised an eyebrow. “He’ll get it.”

What I didn’t tell Kyle was that I really didn’t think that he would. I had a deep seeded fear that he would hate me in a way that wouldn’t be forgiven. But my mind was made up. I could live with him hating me. I couldn’t live with him alienating himself from his sister and his mother because of me. It was the price I had to pay, and I was ready to deal with that.

The other thing I didn’t tell Kyle was that I had spent a good portion of the night thinking about what I stood to gain from what I was giving up.

Chase.

I could be okay. I could survive this because I had someone besides me to help me through it. My kids needed each other, and that was the bottom line.

I watched Kyle type away, preparing a brief I wouldn’t understand word for word, but I’d know exactly what it meant. I was giving my kids away to their mother. I was dropping the fight. I was ending the suspense.

I needed to be somewhere safe and warm when I left Wriggs and Streck an hour and seven signatures later. I got into my car and called Chase, shaking from the thought that the devil himself might answer the phone.

“Hey gamin,” Chase said from the other end of the line. I sighed out in relief.

“Hey,” I said, trying not to sound like I could lose it at any moment. “What are you doing?”

“I’m at work, filling out HR paperwork. What’s up? You sound on edge.”

“I um… nothing. It can wait until you get home tonight. You’re coming home, right?”

“Of course.”

“And Morgan?”

“Morgan is committed. He’s in a treatment program and his doctors are adamant that I don’t see him until the last phase. He’s on his way out of my life, gamin.”

Which leaves more room for me, I thought.

The update was a small boost in the right direction. It made me feel good that Chase would be home, undistracted, and ready to be what I needed.

There.

“Okay,” I said, my voice tempering with my mood. “I’ll see you when you get home.”

I drove back to my apartment in Uptown, and immediately slipped into bed. I had gotten no sleep the night before, and I knew it would be a very long time before I could sleep through a full night. There would be the obvious anxiety of losing my children. In a few weeks, when they were gone and tucked away, there would be the worry of what they were doing. I didn’t completely trust Devon on her own, but I knew she’d spare no expense to make sure they were safe.

But still, I’d worry. And I did.

I worried in bed until Chase came home just after six. He saw me lying face down in bed, holding a pillow and looking just as miserable as I felt.

“Hey,” he whispered, coming into the room and sitting down next to me. “Is everything okay?”

I shook my head. I turned my body so I was facing him.

“What’s the matter?”

He slipped his shoes off and crawled into bed next to me, wrapping an arm around me.

“I um… I dropped custody of CJ and Liz this morning.”

“Gamin,” he said. He pulled me into a big hug and kissed my neck. The warmth of his embrace was nice, but nothing could be nice enough to lift me even a little at that point. “Oh, babe.”

Instead of responding, I put my face into his nook and began shaking as I tried my hardest not to cry. It was the most difficult thing I’d ever had to do, and I’d managed to keep it together until that precise moment when the one person in the world I cared about was there to hold me.

“What happened? Did something happen while I was gone?”

I shook my head, blinked and looked him in the eye.

“Can we not talk about it, please?” I asked quietly. I had already made the decision. I knew that Devon would get it soon, and I’d have to go over there and talk to CJ. I knew that everything was about to crash and burn around me, and instead of talking about it, I just wanted to sit and enjoy the warmth.

I felt Chase shift slightly, almost as if he was trying to prop me up against him.

“No,” he said simply. “I want to talk about it.”

I turned my head and glared at him. I knew my eyes were on the brink, and I wondered just how scary I looked.

“I want to talk about it, gamin. I want to talk about why you’re miserable right now. I want to talk about Morgan and how you feel about that situation. I don’t want you to bury anything from me. I’m the last person you need to bury anything from.”

I knew what he was saying, and I knew exactly how he meant it. For whatever reason, however, I felt as though I was being attacked. How dare he force me to open up about something that was tearing me apart when he wasn’t even there last night to help me reason through the decision. If he was really there to support me, he would have been there.

I sat up and blazed my eyes into him.

“I signed my kids away this morning. I dropped custody with seven signatures and a dozen initials; so I basically gave them away to my ex-wife like a goddamn Christmas present with a pretty little bow.”

“Gamin,” Chase replied. I bulldozed on.

“I made this decision last night when you were in Granbury with some crack whore who keeps threatening me, when you should have been here helping me decide. But I can’t tell you that because I’ve messed this up so many times before, I don’t want to say or do anything that will drive you away.”

“Gamin,” Chase tried to interrupt.

“And I am trying to be positive. I’m trying to tell myself that I’m not in this alone. That I didn’t just throw my family away for nothing. I’m trying to tell myself that when Morgan gets on his little plane and goes back to California, you and I can start building a family. But the more nights I lay here alone making decisions, the more I think that day is never going to come.”

I’m sure my face was etched with attitude from temple to chin. I could feel heat radiating from my eyes, and I knew that I had let him have it. I was pissed off, and all I wanted was to lay there and be miserable. I didn’t want to talk, because I knew I had nothing good to say.

“Gamin, everything is going to work out,” Chase said. As soon as I heard his voice, I made a motion to get out of bed.

“You want to know the last time I heard that, Chase? About three days before you disappeared for twenty years. Forgive me for taking that with a tiny grain of salt.”

I stopped at the doorway, turned around and faced him head on.

“You don’t want to talk to me, Chase, not right now. You know why? Because I’m not sure what I’ll say. Deal with Morgan so that you can be around the next time I have to make a decision like this. Please.”

I stormed out of the bedroom and went straight for the bar in my kitchen. Within seconds, I had a bottle of vodka open and was pouring myself a glass. As I turned to fish tonic water out of the fridge, I heard Chase ease into the living room.

“Cooper, I know this is complicated.”

“No, Chase. Trigonometry is complicated. This is simple math and the equation isn’t exactly equal right now.”

“Okay, I get it. But I have to deal with this. I can’t just let him go.”

“I know,” I said, lifting my glass and taking a sip. “I know that. And I understand it. And that’s why I haven’t said anything.”

“Well, I don’t want you to not say anything until you resent me and blow up again like you just did.”

“Look, I’m not pissed off that you’re taking care of a friend. I’m pissed off that you weren’t here to help me through this. You’re the reason I made this decision in the first place.”

I watched his face change when I said it. It wasn’t entirely true. I had decided to break up with Devon. I had decided to jeopardize everything for the slim chance that I could be in love one day. I had made that choice apart from Chase. Parallel to him, yes. But not entirely for him.

“I just… I just wish you were here last night. That’s all.”

“I’m here now, gamin,” he said from across the bar. His eyes were sincere and he meant it. I knew that much. “Talk to me.”

And so I did. I told him everything I was feeling, starting with CJ and Liz and ending with his pseudo-affair with his past. I told him that it felt like I was sharing him, and that I didn’t want that. I wanted us to start fresh, to return to the easy, fun days. By the time I was done dogging Morgan, I reminded Chase how great we had been twenty years ago.

“We’re never going to be twenty again,” he whispered in my ear as he pushed the third full glass of vodka and tonic from my hand. “We need to figure out how to be forty and have just as much fun.”

I could see where it was headed. I could tell by the look in his eyes that in any second, he would lean across the counter and try to make everything okay with a kiss. I knew that I would melt as soon as his lips touched mine. I could already feel my dick respond to the kiss that hadn’t come yet.

And so before he had the chance to do his little oral magic trick and render me helpless against what I was really feeling, I stood up and sighed.

“Deal with Morgan, please. I don’t care how or what you do, but I am not giving my family away for a part-time lover.”

He saw the seriousness in my gaze, and I almost felt bad putting such a burden on him. But I had a lot on my plate too, and I needed to know that it would be worth it.

I woke up early the next morning, and took a long run. I returned to the condo to find it empty. I assumed Chase had another Morgan shaped fire to put out, and I resigned myself to the fact that this would be the new normal until further notice.

I meandered around the apartment avoiding the inevitable. I knew Devon would have received my package by then, and I knew that as soon as she did, there’d be fireworks.

“Hey guy, Kyle told me what was going on,” Spencer called halfway through my second cup of coffee. I wondered what he was doing awake so early, and then I remembered he was dating a newscaster.

“Yeah,” I replied, aware that I was barely holding it all together.

“Look, I don’t know what to say here,” he said honestly. “I mean, you’ve got to be a wreck.”

“I’m, uh… I’m doing okay, I guess. All things considered.”

“Do you want company?”

“Spence, there’s nothing to do at this point.” My voice was slightly on edge and I could feel it infuse attitude where it would normally falter.

“I know. I know. I just… I wouldn’t want to be alone right now. I could come over.”

“No,” I said. “Chase is here. So… there’s that.”

“And how is our human submarine?”

Part of me wanted to unload on Spencer. Tell him exactly what I’d told Chase the night before. I wanted a friend to agree with what I’d done the night before, force his hand, and practically make him get rid of Morgan.

But I couldn’t tell Spencer. I wasn’t ready for the judgment and the ‘told you so’ that would come along with telling him the truth. I just wanted to be alone, and I was well on my way.

“He’s good,” I said noncommittally. “Listen, I am expecting a call from Devon and her people, so I will let you go and get dressed.”

“Yeah, okay. Um. Brunch on Sunday. It’s nonnegotiable.”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Coop, seriously. If you want to talk, you can call me anytime.”

It went without saying, and I knew that. Spencer couldn’t begin to relate to what I was going through, but if history was any indication, he’d do his best to try. I told him I was fine, that I was hanging in there, and then I hung up.

I took a long hot shower, the entire time trying not to think about how I’d gone into this with the thought that I could have everything. I thought that with my career finally on track, I could focus more time on supporting my kids grow, while finally being happy. I thought, at the beginning of it all, that I could have it all.

But as I washed away the notion that I could have everything I set out to get, I realized that was leaving this whole thing with less than I’d started out with. When I made the decision to leave Devon and try to make this work with Chase, I wasn’t delusional in thinking this would be perfect. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. But I never imagined it would be this hard.

I didn’t think that I would be facing my kids going across the country, thousands of miles away. I didn’t think I’d be reducing the amount of time I’d see them from every single day down to three weeks in the summer and two over the holidays.

I didn’t think that I would be treaded down a troubled track with my friends, unable to confide in them like I’d become accustomed to simply because they hated the guy I was with. I knew they’d come around eventually, but I didn’t expect eventually to take this long.

Finally, the last thing I expected was to go through this much trouble with Chase. When I made the decision to turn everything upside down, I was certain I would have one thing, no matter how everything else played out. Chase.

But then that disappeared. I found myself swimming upstream, and now I found myself alone. Standing in a steaming shower, not sure where the guy I’d given it all up for even was, I had to face the fact that things hadn’t gone how I had planned.

And that it was my fault. I was the one that put all of my eggs in a basket that had too little space and too much baggage.

When I finally pulled myself out of the shower, the steam filling the entire bathroom and following me into my living room, I had come to terms with the fact that I had made my bed and I would lie in it, alone, until Chase was free to come lie in it with me.

I checked my phone as I toweled off and read two messages back to back.

To Cooper: Hey babe. You were gone when I woke up this morning. I’m meeting with Morgan’s treatment doctor first thing and seeing how soon we can get him back to Cali. Let’s definitely do dinner tonight. I love you. Chase.

I sighed, pushed my dripping hair away from my face and responded with a simple message confirming dinner and expressing my support.

The second message was much shorter.

To Cooper: You should come over now.

I checked the time stamp and realized Devon had sent it just as I had hung up on Spencer and hopped into the shower. A lump the size of the Reunion Tower formed in my throat and I knew she’d received the updated custody agreement.

I moved as quickly as I could, pulling on a pair of dark jeans, a plain black t-shirt and an old SMU zip up hoodie. I hauled ass to my car, wondering exactly what was so urgent.

Had Devon told the kids the news? Had she told CJ that I was basically throwing him away? Had he flown off the handle like I suspected he would? Or had the news shocked her enough to warrant the SOS call?

I swerved up Preston towards the Highland house, unprepared for the Pandora’s box I had opened the morning before when I agreed to do what I knew was right, but what I felt was totally wrong.

“Hey,” Devon greeted me at the door. Her demeanor was neutral, almost calculated, as she led me through the formal living room and into the breakfast nook, where pages upon pages of legal documents were laid out.

I recognized my initials and signatures immediately because Franklin had gone through and highlighted my portions with a pink highlighter. Next to them, where Devon was meant to sign, were small green arrows.

“I just called you over to make sure we were on the same page here.”

“What page are you on?”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m finished with all of those, Dev. So what page are you on?”

I didn’t intend to sound bitter, but I couldn’t help it. As soon as I read her message, I thought that the emergency had to do with the kids. I didn’t think I would be coming back to deal with her.

“I’m just having a little trouble wrapping my mind around this.”

“Okay,” I said, tilting my head and having a seat. “What can I help you understand?”

She bit her lip, clearly trying to suppress her own anger with me, something I couldn’t understand. She’d won. I had tossed in the towel and she was getting everything she wanted.

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because it’s the right thing to do.”

“Well, Carpenter, forgive me for being a little surprised. I’m not exactly used to you doing the right thing.”

I shrugged. I had no clue how she meant for me to respond to that.

“This isn’t a ploy for anything, is it?”

“What could it possibly be a ploy for, Devon?”

“I don’t know. The house, something.”

“No,” I said firmly. I pushed the pen she had rested in the middle of the table towards her. “I’m dropping custody. That’s it. You win.”

She gave me a look that could have cut through a brick wall.

“I didn’t win anything, Cooper,” she mumbled grabbing the pen. She signed the first two pages with ease before stopping suddenly. “Did you consider what this will do to your son?”

“I considered, Devon.”

“Okay, because I can’t picture him being okay with the fact that you signed him away like last year’s car lease.”

I sat up and took a deep breath. This was what I hadn’t wanted. This was what I had dreaded moving forward with this. I knew what CJ would do. I just wanted him to do it and get it over with. I didn’t need the constant reminder that I wouldn’t be winning father of the year any time soon.

“Look, CJ will understand why I did it when he gets older,” I replied as she went back to signing.

“Considering I don’t understand it, I don’t know if that’s a good safety net to fall back on.”

“Liz is going, okay? I talked to her the other night. She is dead set on Chicago and nothing I will ever do will keep her here in Dallas. In three years, she’s out of here anyway, probably going to Northwestern or some such shit. I can part with her on good terms now or I can keep her here for three years and then lose her forever.”

“What does that have to do with CJ?”

“CJ… CJ is going to need his sister. He’s going to go through this wondering where you and I went wrong, and instead of forcing him to go through high school defending ‘my two dads’ over here, I’m giving him something he can lean on. They’ll take care of each other better than you and I ever could. We’ve fucked them up, Devon… I’ve fucked them up. And I’m hoping that keeping them together will repair at least some of that damage.”

I could tell by the way she looked at me that she got it. It wasn’t such a reach. I had watched Chase talk about his family and anytime he did so, he meant his Dad. That was it. The way those chips fell, he made his choice to stay with his father, and that meant all but severing ties with his sister and mother. I wasn’t going to let that happen to my kids.

Devon swallowed and returned to signing the documents.

“I, um… I had my lawyer amend some of the visitation clauses. I put four weeks in the summer. That’s the busiest time for me anyway, so I think they’d be better off spending more time with you. And then, um… there’s two weeks at winter holiday instead of one. I’ll do Easter and Thanksgiving and you can do Christmas and New Years. We can alternate birthdays, I was thinking.”

“Whatever you want, sweetie.”

She returned to signing in silence. When she got to the last page, she looked at me and chuckled.

“Is that guy really this worth it?”

I tilted my head and narrowed my eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“You are a lot of things, Cooper Carpenter, and chief among those is a father. I wouldn’t peg you for doing this. So I’m asking, just the once, if he’s worth it.”

“I’m not answering that.”

“Please. For my sanity. So that I don’t feel like I just ‘won’ something.”

“To be honest, I don’t know yet.”

Devon put her pen down and stared deeply into me. I would have given a million bucks to know what was going through her head at that moment. She was probably wondering if I’d fallen and hit my little head on the pavement. Maybe she was digging for another angle. Whatever it was, the look made me uncomfortable and I squirmed.

“Are we done here?” I asked with a deep breath.

“When are you going to tell them?” she asked, gathering the documents and double checking them.

“I don’t know. Whenever you want me to.”

“And you’re sure about this?”

“Yes, God Jesus,” I snapped. I stood up and walked to the Brevia machine in the corner. “I am one hundred percent positive. I’m moving on. I’m done with this; please stop asking me if I’m sure.”

“Cooper, I just…”

“I get it. I’m not going to come roaring back, changing my mind, and raising hell again. This is what you want, so take it. They are officially your kids to do with whatever the fuck you want.”

“Wait, what?”

I heard the voice just as the Brevia began trickling hot coffee into my K-cup. I turned towards the entryway to see CJ standing there in his brand new Gap pajama bottoms, rubbing his eye. He stood there, more than a spitting image of what I had looked like waking up every day at the age of fourteen, and my heart suddenly sank.

“What happened?”

“CJ, your father and I were just discussing some custody issues.”

“I heard that part. What happened?”

Devon turned to me with wide ‘go ahead’ eyes. I had a split second to decide how I was going to tell my son that I was no longer his guardian. There were no words. I suddenly had a pounding headache.

“I um… made the decision the other day, after your sister got back from Chicago, that I think it would be a good idea for the two of you to move up there with your mom.”

The pause that followed made me want to jump off a building so high, my body would be dust before it hit the ground.

“That’s bullshit,” CJ said, breaking the silence.

“CJ…”

“I’m not going.” His voice was almost too calm. He said the words as if he was talking about tagging along to the mall.

I’m not going.

“Well son, legally, you have no choice.”

He looked me dead in the eye, his face barely registering that he was awake.

“You’re not the only one here allowed to make choices, Dad. No one was going to talk to me? No one was going to ask me what I wanted?”

I crossed my arms and returned his gaze.

“Just tell the judge or whatever that it’s bullshit and I’m not moving.”

“CJ, the judge didn’t order anything. I did this.”

“What?”

I saw Devon shift out of the corner of my eye. I knew I had one of two options. I could reason with a fourteen year old and try to get him to understand something that was far above his comprehension; or I could take the easy road and make him hate me.

“I just… listen, I’m going to be frank, okay? You’re a big kid and you can handle this. You’re going to live with your mother. I’m starting a new life here, and until that gets settled, I can’t have you hanging around.”

“Hanging around…” he mumbled in the same attitude-riddled tone I had perfected.

“Wow,” Devon breathed.

“I’m picking Chase. We’re starting a home and a family.”

“And there is no room for me and Liz?”

“You and Liz need your mother.”

“And I thought you needed us!” His voice rose, and it felt like I was being pelted by gallons of ice cold water. “You said you were divorcing mom, not us.”

“I still maintain that.”

“Then what the fuck are you doing giving us away?”

“CJ, watch your voice.”

“Son, it is complicated,” I started to say, reverting to my need to reason.

“No, Dad, it’s not complicated.” He was suddenly wide awake. “Are these the papers? Are these the papers you signed?”

He picked up half the stack and before I knew what he was doing, he’d circled the kitchen island and was pushing pieces of paper down the garbage disposal. I lunged towards him and pulled his arms back.

“Get the fuck away from me! Get away from me!”

He threw up an elbow and tried to pry me away. I could feel my face getting red and hot as cool tears streamed down my face. I didn’t realize just how strong my son was until I was wrestling him into the living room and pushing him down onto the couch.

“I’m sorry,” was all I could manage. “CJ, believe me.”

“I hope you’re fucking happy,” he said, pointing at Devon. “This is what you wanted right?”

“CJ, please…”

He didn’t give her any time to answer before he returned his anger towards me. It was at that moment that I went into a pain-induced blackout. They say that sometimes when something hurts too much, you block it out of your memory, and I’m sure that’s what my body did. I knew he was yelling. I could hear him screaming things at me about how I had lied and how I had planned this all along. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Elizabeth standing in the entryway, arms folded, letting her brother have his moment. I was paralyzed to respond, because the majority of what he was saying was true.

I had done it. I had created this impossible situation and I had lied. I had told myself it would all be okay. Everything, eventually, would work out. But this wasn’t working out, and there was nothing I could do to turn back time.

As my son continued to express his anger, I inched backwards, tears streaming down my face like rain in the middle of March.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “I’m… so sorry.”

I gathered my footing and stepped backwards towards the door.

“I’m sorry,” I repeated. “I know you’re going to hate me until you get older and understand why I did all of this.”

The words were as hollow as they sounded. I repeated that I was sorry one more time before I got the door and turned and left. As I pealed out the door, I turned to see Liz sitting next to her brother, holding his head and patting his hair down.

I almost turned back around to finish the job CJ had started. I could still burn the papers or stuff them down the drain.

But I couldn’t. Instead, I sat in my car, shaking and crying like a madman.

I stayed in the driveway until my hands regained control. I put my car in reverse and pulled out slowly, reaching for my phone as I did.

“Call Chase,” I said into the phone as I sniffed, my voice so weak I wondered if the voice activator would even recognize what I had said.

“Calling Chase Pallendrino.”

It took six rings for me to make out of my neighborhood and to the first light on Preston. After the sixth ring, as my car pulled to a stop, it went to voicemail.

“This is Chase, leave a message and I’ll get back to you when I can.”

I tossed the phone down into the driver’s seat cup holder and hung my head on the steering wheel. This is what I had created. This is what I had done, with no one’s help but my own. I sat there, driving away from a family that had once sufficed, and the guy I had anted up for couldn’t even answer his goddamn phone.

Is he really worth it?

The question wrung in my ear like a bell on a Sunday morning church. As I drove over the bridge from Highland Park into Oaklawn, ready to hurl my car off the side of the rail, I came face to face with the answer.

At that very moment, the answer was an unequivocal no.