Moving On - 4. Chapter 4 - Accepting Assistance

CHAPTER FOUR

ACCEPTING ASSISTANCE

As the next several weeks went by, Sarah came by less and less – largely because Will was usually there. It's not like the two didn't get along; I guess Sarah just figured I didn't need her around as much.

Will had practically moved in with me. He came over every night after he got off work and, more often than not, spent the night. By this point, we both slept in our boxers with him holding me. We were not 'together' or anything, and of course, we still slept in the guestroom. I thought of Will as a brother and good friend, but nothing more.

The nights Will didn't stay, I slept on Steve's side in our bed. I almost always had nightmares on those nights. I never told Will about them, because I didn't want him to try to stop me from being close to Steve. Even I knew the memories conjured up while sleeping on Steve's side of the bed could be exacerbating my nightmares. Fortunately, the nights Will stayed, I rarely had them. When it happened, he just held me tighter and repeatedly told me everything was going to be okay. I hate to admit it, but it did help, even if I didn't fully believe him.

Every so often, Will would try to play psychologist, and get me to say "Steve died". I still couldn't. Will's probing generally made me feel a bit better. He was regularly able to make me smile, and he even got me to chuckle on occasion.

On a personal note, by this point I realized I had only gotten an erection a few times since that fateful day back in July. Even though I was nearly a decade out of my teens, going two months without so much as a wet dream seemed unnatural. I had tried to masturbate a few times, but I just felt too guilty. The idea of submitting myself to something so carnal and pleasurable didn't seem right when I wasn't sharing it with the love of my life.

One night in late September, Will had decided to stay at his place. I crawled into bed late, hoping exhaustion would allow me to sleep through the night without another nightmare. Finally, my eyes grew heavy, and I fell asleep.

–  –  –  *  *  *  –  –  –

I woke up in a white room. It was so bright I couldn't see anything. The odd part was the brightness didn't hurt my eyes. I stood up to try to get my bearings, but all I could see was white. I looked down and realized the clothes I was wearing, like the room, were pure white.

I was getting more than a little concerned. I certainly hadn't been wearing these clothes when I went to bed, and I had never even been near a room like this before. I heard the sounds of footsteps approaching. I quickly looked around for somewhere to hide. Before I could even try to move, I saw someone standing next to me.

Everything was so bright I couldn't make out who it was. The only thing I was certain of was the person was a man. I was about to cower and back away as quickly as I could. The man let out an all-too-familiar chuckle.

"Relax, baby."

"What the fuck?" was all I could think to say.

"Well, not exactly what I was hoping your first words to me would be, but understandable, given the circumstances. I'm sorry if this is freaking you out," the person said with a laugh.

"Steve? Is that really you?"

"Who were you expecting? A little girl? Maybe a black panther? I can talk to The Powers That Be and see if they can work something out."

"Okay, smartass. But you're dead!"

"Unfortunately. You have no idea how much I've missed you, but I didn't really have any say in the matter."

"So is this just a dream?"

"Yes and no."

"What the hell does that mean? Can't you tell me what the fuck is going on?"

"I'm under very strict restrictions on what I can and can't answer. Believe me, I want nothing more than to explain everything. That's the upside of being dead – the omniscience, I mean. Now I literally am a know it all. The downside is I've been ripped away from all the people I ever loved."

"If you can just show up in my dreams – or whatever the fuck this is – whenever you want, why have you waited over two months? I miss you with every fiber of my being. It hurts to even breathe with you gone. If you really loved me, you'd be there for me every night."

The shock of standing next to Steve had worn off a little. I really needed to feel him in my arms again. I tried to move, but my entire body was completely paralyzed.

"One day, you'll realize that the true measurement of how much I love you shows in how restrained I've been. The fact I've allowed you your pain and suffering is a testament to that. The only other thing I can add is I want you to think what your state of mind would be like if I showed up every night when you went to bed, what your life would be like."

"Okay. I'm beginning to get sick of these fucking riddles, Steve. If your way of showing me how much you love me is by not coming to me, then why the hell are you here?"

"That's a fair question."

My heart dropped. My mind was racing as I tried to figure out if Steve had just told me he no longer loved me in a riddle. I knew I'd be a blubbering mess on the ground right now, if only I could just move.

"Ste—"

"Let me explain what I can. Since I can see everything that has happened or will ever happen to you, I have to be very careful in any answer I give you. I really want to tell you everything. You, know, all the things you need to avoid to save yourself from more heartache; how it's all going to end. I can't; all I can do is watch. Let me tell you, it fucking sucks!

"You know I always loved you with every fiber of my being. Don't question it for even a moment. You also know what I'd want more than anything else right now. I want you to find a way to move on."

"But I can't allow myself to forget anything about you! I don't want to move on."

"One day, you will learn the true relationship between forgetting and moving on. I wish I could explain it to you. It's really simple when you stop and rationally think about it, but I'm not allowed to explain. It might give away the ending… or the journey… or something. This whole 'omniscience' thing gets a little confusing sometimes."

"Please, Steve. I need to know. What did you mean by 'don't'? I have been wracked because I just know you died mad at me."

"I will explain my last word to you, one day. Just know I can't right now. That really would spoil everything. Also, you need to know I wasn't mad at you. I could never stay mad at you, no matter how much I wanted to at times."

I noticed the shape of Steve's body stiffen slightly. It was almost as if he'd just received an order from a superior.

"Scott, I have to leave now. There are concerns I've come close to telling you too much. Before I go, I need to say I want you to follow what your heart tells you. The path it leads you may seem to go astray, but everything will work out as it should in the end.

"Now you must go. Goodbye for now, love."

–  –  –  *  *  *  –  –  –

I suddenly jerked upright in my bed. If that had been a dream, it was the most wonderful dream and the most terrifying nightmare I'd ever had, all rolled into one. I had been with Steve. I had talked to Steve, but I hadn't been able to see his gorgeous face or find comfort in his arms. I couldn't even find solace in his words, since I was pretty sure he had told me a whole lot of nothing.

I'm sure if I tried really hard, I could have convinced myself it was all a dream. I tried rationalizing it was probably just my subconscious trying to make me think more rationally and work to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart, but I needed it to actually be him. I had to believe he was still out there looking out for me.

That thought caused me to realize the truth he'd confided in me. If he appeared to me every night, I would go crazy. Being with Steve – or whatever just happened – provided no solace. The pain wasn't gone. If anything it was worse.

I tried to fall back to sleep, but the events that had just transpired were too much for my fragile psyche. I still felt Steve's closeness, but I had to get out of bed. I got up, dressed, and went out to the living room. I noticed the sun was coming up as I curled up on the Spot. Steve's presence seemed much stronger there. I lay there all day in a trance until Will came in after he got off work.

–  –  –  *  *  *  –  –  –

"Hi, honey, I'm home!" Will called out as he came in.

I lifted my head and glared at him. A part of me knew he was just joking around, but I refused to acknowledge it. The events of the night before were too fresh. Will immediately noticed.

"I'm sorry, I really didn't mean anything. I hope you know that."

I managed a nod. I suddenly became aware that my face was covered in tears. I don't think I was crying when he came in, but it was entirely possible I had been crying the entire day.

"Are you okay? What happened? Recently when I get here you're doing some work."

"It's nothing; I just had a particularly…painful…um…dream"

If he caught onto the strange wording I struggled with, he didn't let on.

"Hey, don't worry. Everything will be alright; I just get worried when you have days like this."

If I had been anywhere but on the Spot, he would have tried to put his arm around me to comfort me. By now, he had learned I wouldn't tolerate being touched while on Steve's spot.

"Also, and I hate to sound like a nag or say something I know will upset you, but you need to make sure you're spending extra time on your work. You managed to hang on to most of your clients, but you know your business relationships have been severely strained. I'd hate for you to lose more."

Again, I just nodded. I knew what he said was correct. As a web designer, I had the fortune of working from home and – for the most part – on my own schedule. But it was a long time after his death before I was able to even begin to think about work again. I missed several deadlines, and wound up with some very unsatisfied customers. Most were very understanding of the circumstances, but even some of the understanding ones terminated their contracts with me.

The past few weeks, I had been good at getting back into the swing of things. Granted, I was working from the Spot, but a laptop and a good wireless network meant I could do my work anywhere in the house. The only thing I hadn't been able to do recently was bring in new clients. I wasn't feeling extroverted enough yet to whore my services out.

–  –  –  *  *  *  –  –  –

As the next few weeks went past, everything continued as it had been. The biggest difference was now I was working almost the entire day, every day. Most of the time, I was working from the Spot, but some days I sat on the couch as I worked. I tried putting a chair on the Spot early on, but I wasn't feeling the connection, so I opted for comfort.

I had gotten a few new clients. All they were offering me were small, easy tasks, and I was sure they had been sent to me by some of my more loyal clients, but I didn't really care. In fact, it felt good being sought out. I still hadn't been able to put myself out there and actually seek out new contracts for myself.

I also hadn't left the house. Sarah regularly did grocery shopping for me. Whenever I offered her money, she turned me down. She always said it was the least Chris could do with a wink. In this day and age, it's remarkably easy to become a shut-in. I hadn't needed to buy anything other than food, but virtually anything I could conceive of wanting could be ordered on the internet to be delivered to my door.

Getting me out of the house had become one of Will's new projects. Finally, two weeks before Halloween, he insisted he was taking me out.

"I'm not taking 'no' for an answer," he explained to me as I tried to talk my way out of it. "You've been cooped up in the house for more than three months now. I know you don't need to leave the house for anything, but you're driving yourself crazy. Please, you need this; you just don't realize it yet."

"Fine, I'll go."

Truthfully, I had resigned myself to going as soon as he first asked. It wasn't that I necessarily wanted to, but I knew from the beginning he was dead-set on making me go out and there was no way he'd drop the subject until I agreed.

"Great! Saturday night, then; it’s a date."

Will looked a little too happy about that, and his reaction made me somewhat uncomfortable. In fact, the word 'date' made me cringe a bit inside before I even saw his face. I wanted nothing to do with any feelings he used to have – or possibly still had, for that matter. I needed to make sure he didn't get the wrong impression. Any issues relating to his feelings towards me hadn't been brought up in a long time.

"Will, I…"

"Relax, I didn't mean it like that. I just want you to be able to get out and have a good time. Hopefully you'll forget everything for a little while, but even if you don't, at least it'll give you the opportunity to have a change of scenery. It'll be good for you."

I couldn't shake the thought that maybe Steve had been trying to tell me I should be with Will, but it didn't make any sense to me; He had also told me to follow my heart. Will was a great guy, and if I hadn't been so depressed, I might have realized how attractive he was. But I really didn't think of him in that way. I hate repeating myself, but he really was like another brother to me.

–  –  –  *  *  *  –  –  –

Saturday, I dressed nicely. It was the first time I'd paid any attention to my looks since he died. I had to admit, I looked pretty good. It was the first time I had worn nice clothes since the funeral, and even then, I hadn't picked out my clothes – when I had gotten out of the shower that fateful morning, Ethan had laid my clothes out on the bed for me. It felt nice to pay attention to myself, and I had a certain amount of pride knowing I still remembered how to make myself look presentable.

Will took me to a nicer restaurant in Midtown. It wasn't a fancy, super-romantic dinner or anything, and I appreciated that. The entire time, we just chatted idly. Actually, Will did most of the talking, but he kept the conversation light, and I had to admit I was really beginning to enjoy the time away from the house.

I was a little irritated when Will insisted he pay. I know he said it wasn't a date, but I couldn't shake the nagging feeling maybe part of him wanted it to be. Since Will had never told me our plans, I figured the night was over after he paid, but he made no effort to move from the table.

"If we're done, why don't we head out?" I asked. Part of me didn't want the night to be over yet – I was enjoying myself much more than I had expected. On the other hand, I was very uncomfortable about the fact I wasn't feeling any closeness to Steve while we were out.

"It's not time yet," Will responded, noncommittally.

I knew I had given him carte blanche when I hadn't made him verify any plans through me, so I just resigned myself to my fate. After about fifteen minutes, I began to think about the area surrounding the restaurant, considering he seemed to be waiting for something. That's when I remembered; we were only about two blocks from the Fox, whose Moorish spires and minarets stood in stark contrast to the glass and concrete skyscrapers that surrounded it. I even knew what show was in town.

"Will, we're going to see Wicked aren't we?"

"You got it on the first guess. See, your brain can still work when you decide to use it. I noticed you had the soundtrack, so I thought it'd be something you would enjoy."

Up until that point, I had completely forgotten it was coming to town. I had always wanted to see it and loved the soundtrack, but Steve was the one who bought it for me. I remembered back to the day in June when he had seen a billboard advertising that Wicked was coming to town. He had been so excited about it, if only because he knew how much I wanted to see it. Tickets didn't go on sale until August, though. He never got the chance to buy them.

Knowing how much Steve had wanted to take me to the show, I really didn't want to go. If I couldn't go see it with him, I didn’t want to see it at all.

"Is everything okay?" Will asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"I don't know. It's just that he was going to take me to see it. I don't think I want go without him."

"Sorry. I didn't know. Tell you what, though, I bet once the play begins, you'll be too engrossed in the story to dwell. Please give it a shot. If you are miserable at intermission, then we'll leave, no questions asked. Don't answer me immediately, because I know what your gut is trying to tell you. I want you to think for a few minutes and then make a decision."

I did think about it, and Will made perfect sense. Besides, I had wanted to see this for years but hadn't had the chance to do so. I knew Steve wouldn't begrudge me this opportunity. It would be hard, but I owed it myself – and possibly Steve – to try.

I agreed to give it until intermission. We sat in the restaurant and talked until the last minute. I think Will was trying to ensure I didn't start second-guessing myself while sitting in the theater. We timed it perfectly; the lights flashed almost as soon as we sat down, and the orchestra started the overture.

I quickly forgot about reality and was drawn into the musical interpretation of Gregory Macguire's retelling of L. Frank Baum's magical world of Oz. I was deeply moved during the final number of the act, 'Defying Gravity', one of my favorite songs from the soundtrack. As Elphaba, the wicked witch and protagonist of the story, sang about living a life with no limits and not letting anyone bring her down, I was moved to tears.

Wiping my eyes as the house lights came up for intermission, I realized it was the first time in months I had cried tears of anything other than pain and sorrow. It didn't take any convincing on Will's part to get me to stay to watch the rest of the show.

My happiness didn't last long. I only knew the songs and could barely remember the book; I didn't know the story. During the second act, Elphaba thinks she was responsible for the death of Fiyero, her lover. I grabbed Will's hand and leaned into him, crying. The tears were relatively fleeting, but I stayed close to him for the rest of the play. Once again, I found comfort in Will's arms.

After the play ended, I didn't let go of Will's hand. I was still shaken; the aspects of lost love hit a little too close to home for me, and the contact between us helped to relax me. I didn't let go until we got back to the house and it came time to get out of the car. If I had been thinking more clearly, I might have considered how Will would interpret our closeness on our 'date', but clear rational thinking hadn't been something I'd done much of for a while.

We stripped to our boxers, and climbed into the bed in the guest room, like usual. Suddenly, I felt his lips pressed up against mine. I froze for a second, unsure what was going on. His tongue brushed against my lips, and my body reacted before my mind could even process it. It was as if my body began to act of its own volition.

Suddenly, Will was lying on top of me, kissing me passionately, our tongues dueling in each other's mouths. My arms were wrapped around him, rubbing up and down his firm, muscled back. His were wandering over any part of exposed flesh they could find.

Will's hands were playing with my defined chest and every time he brushed my nipples, I let out an audible gasp. His hands wandered down and he began to erotically stroke my flat stomach. One hand ventured back up to my nipples and began to play with them as I writhed in pleasure. The other hand continued its journey south.

He started to rub his hand all over my 8.5 inch rock-hard member, before grabbing it. Only the thin material of boxers separated his hand, and I could feel the heat on my cock.

Will broke the kiss and growled in my ear, "Damn, that monster's fucking huge."

He aggressively pulled my boxers off, and suddenly I was completely exposed to him. He began kissing me again while stroking my cock with one hand and was tugging and rolling my large balls with his other. I was thrashing on the bed and moaning into his mouth.

He broke the kiss again and moved to my neck, before starting to kiss and lick his way down my chest. As he began to suck and bite my nipples, my moans became louder. No longer stifled by his mouth, I'm sure my neighbors could hear every noise I made.

He continued to kiss, lick, and bite my taught skin as he continued to make his way down my body. He darted his tongue into my belly button and my eyes shot open as I gasped loudly. Despite all the kinky things we had done over the years, for whatever reason, Steve had never done that.

'Fuck!' I thought to myself, and I suddenly became fully aware of what I was doing and who I was doing it with. I wanted nothing more than to find a way to stop, but my body was in control and refused to listen to my mind. I couldn't even find my voice to tell Will to stop.

My eyes clamped shut again as I felt Will's lips wrap around my throbbing cock. Unable to protest, I resigned myself to what was happening and tried to enjoy the carnal pleasure as he bobbed up and down, sucking hard on me. I felt his tongue frantically playing with the sensitive underside of the head of my cock and poking at my slit.

Within moments, I felt my body tense up and before I knew it, I was shooting a massive load down Will's throat as he eagerly swallowed every drop I had been holding for the past three months. My eyes were still closed as he came back up to kiss me. I could taste myself on his tongue, and felt his hard cock pressing firmly against me through his boxers.

"Oh Steve! That was…" I moaned before I suddenly realized what I said.

"Shit! I'm sorry, Will… I didn't mean to…" I tried to apologize as he cut me off.

"No, It's fine. I understand. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did."

His eyes betrayed his words, and I knew he wasn't fine with what I just said. Any magic he'd felt in that moment had died.

"Will, I really am sorry. It's just that… I don't think I can… I don't know if I'm ready to…"

He just looked at me for a moment before responding. "No, really, I understand. I may have pushed a little too hard tonight. It's just that you're so damn incredible. Anyway, we should get some sleep. Goodnight."

Before I could say anything, he pecked me lightly on the cheek and then rolled onto his side. It seemed like only moments before his body relaxed and his breathing slowed. I wasn't sure if he had actually fallen asleep or was just pretending to make me feel better, not that it would've mattered either way.

I lay in bed beside Will for what felt like hours. My mind was racing and I couldn't comprehend what I had just done. I felt dirty. I felt nauseous. I felt… I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before I threw up, ridding my stomach of dinner.

I sat with my head in the toilet for a while, trying to wrap my brain around what happened; what I had done. I felt like I had just cheated on Steve. I finally got up and brushed my teeth again. Instead of returning to the bed I had been sharing with Will, I went back to our bed. I quickly climbed in on Steve's side and eventually drifted to sleep.

–  –  –  *  *  *  –  –  –

I was back in the white room. I stood up and called out for Steve, tears streaming down my face.

"I'm right here babe. Why are you crying?"

If I could have moved, I would have jumped. I hadn't even heard footsteps approaching. His voice was coming from behind me, so I couldn't even see the fuzzy shadow of him I had witnessed the last time I had this dream, or came to this place, or whatever. I had no idea how this worked.

"Steve, I really fucked up. I slept with someone else."

"I know; I saw. Honestly, it was pretty hot." I could hear the smile in his voice even if I couldn't see it.

"You don't hate me for it?"

I couldn't believe my ears. I had slept with another man, and Steve enjoyed watching? This was not the Steve I knew.

"I could never hate you. I can't be there for you anymore, and you need someone who will be. A better question would be 'do you hate you?'"

"I don't know. I'm so confused. I never even thought about Will that way, but for some reason, I couldn't stop. It just felt so good."

"Sex usually does. Unfortunately, the pleasure is only fleeting if the right emotions aren't there. I'm sure you remember your freshman year."

"Maybe you're right…"

He was always able to calm me down. It would make sense he would be able to do so even after his death. I knew I wouldn't feel calm when I woke up, but for now I just took what comfort I could in his logic.

"Can you explain to me what you meant by 'don't' yet? Because right now I feel like whatever you meant I went against it."

"Not yet, babe. Don't worry, I won't leave you hanging forever. This is not the right moment.

"Now tell me, how do you feel about Will? I mean deep down, not what happened tonight, but overall."

"I'm not really sure. He's been so kind and understanding these past months. I think he's more like a brother to me. I almost think of him as the non-surfer Ethan."

"Dude, bro," Steve responded with his rich laugh I missed so badly. Even I cracked a smile, but any laugh was caught in my throat.

After he finished laughing, he continued. "If that's how you feel, make sure you tell him. Your happiness is the most important thing. Remember what I said about following your heart. I promise, everything will work out as it should in the end. Last night was wonderful, baby."

"Wait, what? That doesn't make any sense Steve."

"Last night was wonderful, baby." This time, the voice didn't quite sound like Steve's.

The lights dimmed quickly.

–  –  –  *  *  *  –  –  –

"Last night was wonderful, baby." Will repeated, pulling my body tighter against his. I was still naked from the night before, and from the feel of his engorged member pressing against my ass, I could tell he was as well.

My eyes shot open as he kissed the back of my neck. I was still on Steve's side of our bed. I jumped out of the bed, knocking him to the floor in the process.

"What's wrong, babe?" Will asked, concerned and a little frightened, his erection quickly deflating.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I practically screamed at him.

Will just stammered, unable to form words.

"What gives you the right to think you can get into Steve's bed?"

"I just… I thought… last night…" Will sputtered, trying to find the proper words that might satiate my rage.

"No. Last night was a… mistake is the closest word I can think of at the moment. Don't get me wrong, it was nice. But I'm not ready for that. I'm definitely not ready for a relationship. Besides, I can't even think of you that way. You're like my brother; it's just wrong."

Will was crying at this point, and I felt a little bad. Steve had told me to tell him how I felt, though. Besides, he violated a boundary I had clearly laid out by climbing into the bed with me.

"I'm sorry, Will, you need to leave. Hell, I think I need to leave. You've been so kind to me, and I've treated you like shit. I think I'm going to leave town for a while."

As Will ran to get dressed, I grabbed my suitcases and started packing. I heard Will call out from the hallway to tell me again that he was sorry and he hoped I'd be okay before he went out the door.

After I finished packing, I called my parents to ask if I could visit for a while. That was followed by a call to an airline, where I booked a ticket to my parents' that left in a few hours. One of the greatest things about Atlanta is there's no shortage of flights out of town.

I then called Sarah. I didn't let her get a single word in as I told her I was leaving town for a while and didn't know when I was getting back. I asked her to talk to Will and explain that I really didn't blame him for what happened, but I just had to get out of town and try to clear my head. I felt more confused than ever and completely overwhelmed.

I called for a taxi and waited for it to arrive. Just before I climbed in, I ran back into the house quickly. I pulled my wedding ring off and left it on Steve's night stand. After what happened, I couldn't wear it anymore.