Loving the Lost - 2. Your Breath, My Life

“Son, I want you to have a vehicle that’s heavier than that.” Dad had the weird idea that heavier cars were safer. Maybe it was true, but what’s gonna happen , happens anyway.

He pointed at the sedan I was staring emptily at. Dad was very animated when he looked around at all the second-hand cars Nelly was currently showing us. I’m sure I got my passion for cars from him.

Only, my mind wasn’t in it today. Not at all. Funny, considering, that for an entire year, there wasn’t a thing I thought about more than getting my hands on my own car.

I looked around and spotted Jeremy gliding his way from one car to the other. Yes, he was gliding. His grace was truly unmatched!

I couldn’t get what he’d said earlier out of mind. It was like a tape got stuck mid-tune. ‘Find new friends, you’ll need them’. I didn’t need anyone. Only him.

I stared at him with longing. All I could think of was the way it felt when he stood close to me and whispered those words. Our chests almost touching, the thin fabrics of our shirts being the only barriers between us. His breath, icy cold soothing my face, urging me to mingle my own with his; his soft blond hair, caressing the side of my face; those eyes, blues flooding with warmth and yet seemingly piercing my greens. His presence engulfed me and I had to focus all my attention to stop myself from reaching out and pulling his slender frame to me and embracing him. It wasn’t easy then and it wasn’t easy now to merely stare at him from a distance.

“Look at that beauty!” My dad whistled loudly and pulled me out of my trance. Both Jeremy and I turned to look at the Volvo he was pointing at.

It was a good car but that wasn’t my taste. I really could do with an out-dated model. It just had to be more elegant than that.

“That’s not something I’d call ‘beautiful’.” Jeremy chuckled.

“Dad, Jer says it’s boring.” I saw Nelly giving dad a strange look. He was always poking his old wrinkled nose in all matters.

“Well, what do you think about it?” My dad ignored Nelly.

“Umm, I think it’s okay, but…”

“Just tell your dad what you feel. He wouldn’t force it on you. You know him better than that.” Jer mumbled.

“You think? There’s the economy factor. Then there’s insurance and safety. At least he’s not making me buy a Volvo SUV.”

“What about that one?” Jer pointed at a Volkswagen Passat. “Those cars are safe.”

I liked the car much better than the one dad was showing me. But, I also didn’t want to burden my parents and make them indulge into new ways of ‘cost cutting’ at my expense. We weren’t poor by any means, but I was only 16! I didn’t need a very expensive car.

“I dunno, Jer. It looks expensive than the one dad’s urging me to buy.” I looked at him. He was looking at the sedan with a pondering expression. “Pop would buy his little princess any car he wanted. Mark drives a freakin’ Camaro. I’m sure you’ll get a better deal as you were always the favorite son.” I winked.

“Marky is royalty. The first’s the king. The rest are just that, rest!”

“They’re still princes.” I quipped.

“We’ll see. Right now, let’s get your shopping done. And trust me, you wouldn’t be imposing if you want to buy the Passat. Just ask him.”

“Okay, if you say so. But if he says no, it ends there. I’ll go with the Volvo.”

“You’ve always been a good son. That’s why I let you hang around.” He grinned.

“Oh, yeah?” I was going to do some Jeremy tackling when I heard my dad’s irritated grunt. Both the men were watching us.

“Did you decide yet?”

“Umm, dad, what about the Passat there?” It was a black car that seemed to be in a good condition. The exteriors are often deceiving though.

Dad seemed to be considering my suggestion. He moved around the car, dusted its shield and checked the interiors.

“That’s a good choice, Zach.” Nelly said. “It’ll hardly cost you half a grand more than the one you were looking at earlier. The previous owner didn’t want to part with it. He just had a bigger family than the car could hold. Also, this car is safer. It’s got airbags.”

That seemed to get my dad’s attention. “So, say what, can we get a test drive?”

“Of course.” Nelly threw the car keys at me and I caught them with a grin.

I quickly got in the car, with dad sitting in the seat beside me and Jer in the back. I buckled up and started the car. The ABCs of the car were easy to manage. The gear shift was smooth. All in all, it was a car made for me. I loved it. I know better than to question Jer’s suggestions. He’s always looking out for me.

Dad got convinced that it was a good car for me. The formalities were taken care of. The payments were to be made in installments.

I had my own set of wheels finally and I was happier than I had been in a long time. I wanted to hug Jeremy so bad. I think I’ll never be completely happy until I confess to Jeremy or get over him, both of which were not likely to happen anytime soon.

I drove my new car home, dropped dad off , showed the car to mom. She seemed pleased enough when dad explained just ‘how’ safe it was.

I then drove to Jer’s house. Jeremy went inside to get some work done.

Pop came out and congratulated me on my car.

“This suits your personality, Zachy boy.”

“Hardly, pop. I’m not dark and sleek. This would suit Jer. I’m just glad it fell into my budget. Well, my dad’s.” I laughed.

“H-he’s dark?”

“What?”

“Jeremy. Why would you think he’s dark?” That was an odd question.

“Relax. I didn’t mean anything by it. He just seems so mysterious sometimes. Always deep in thought. Also, you can’t ignore the fact that he wears black all the time. That is, if he’s not wearing white. You should be glad he didn't go 'emo' on you.” I laughed.

“Y-yeah.” He mumbled something unintelligible and quickly excused himself and went inside. See, what did I say about adults? Always acting funny. My parents were no exception.

“What did you say to pop?” Jeremy asked as he came out. I was resting on the car door looking away and I didn’t hear him coming. I jumped.

“Ahh, Jer. Don’t sneak on me like that. You’ve made a habit of that.”

“Sorry, I forget you’re such a girl sometimes.” He smiled. “So, what did you say to pop? He looked troubled.” It was strange how fast Jeremy shifted expressions. Right now, he was staring at me with a look devoid of any emotion. It made me edgy.

“N-nothing. He must be thinking about something else. What’s the fuss about? Why does it feel like a confrontation?”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I just thought…forget it. Let’s take your car to the river.” He quickly got in the passenger seat. I was going to get in the car when I felt a hand on my arm.

I turned to find Mark standing there, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, shielding the face from the sunlight. I didn’t want to dwell on the fact that he looked stunning with the sun rays hitting his dirty blond hair. God had definitely not pulled back from giving the Wilson kids a fair share of beauty.

He looked very much like Jeremy. The only difference was the way they carried themselves. Mark was lively, competitive, more…there! Jeremy seemed to fade in the background. Mark looked older since there was a year difference in our ages.

He looked more ‘human’ while Jeremy had an almost ethereal look to him.

“Happy Birthday, Zach.” He said softly. His eyes seemed to be shifting like he was afraid of something.

I can’t explain it, but I could never figure out the dynamics of our relationship. We weren’t exactly friends. That is, if you don’t count the days we were younger. Our families always planned trips together and we had so much fun. We would gang up on Jeremy while we played in the pool. It always ended with Jeremy dunking both of us! He was just so good in water.

But as we grew up, Mark became a different person. He seemed to ignore me most of the times. Sometimes occasionally, we would nod at each other in the hallways when we passed. Other times, he would act like he hated being around me. And there were days like these when he would make small talk or stare at me like in the morning.

“Thanks, Mark.” There was nothing much to say. He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times but didn’t say anything. His cheeks seemed to flush at our current lack of exchange and the awkwardness that came along with it. He really was a very good looking boy. The girls didn’t dig him for nothing!

I saw Jeremy watching us. “Umm, see you around, Mark.” I threw across my back as I opened the car door and got inside.

“Y-yeah see you.” He said nervously. I could never figure that boy out. He was the most popular guy in our school, walked like he didn’t have a care in the world around his friends. The way he was acting right now, bordered on shy and vulnerable.

When I started the car, Mark walked around and peeped from the passenger window which brought Jeremy between both of us.

“I-I really would like to talk to you sometime, Zach. That’s if you don’t mind.” He bit on his lower lip. “We used to be friends once. I don’t want that to change. I’d really like it if we hang out.

From where did that sudden realization hit Mark after all these years? I looked at him to gauge his expressions. He looked genuine to me. Then why couldn’t I believe him? Right! ‘Cause he stopped talking to me and not the other way around. Also because he completely ignored his little brother. Even right now. He acted like Jer wasn’t worth his time and that annoyed me.

“I don’t know why you’d want to hang around me when you treat your own brother the way you do.” I spat. “You should’ve known that if you want to be friends and hang out, he’ll always be there. I don’t go anywhere without my best friend.”

“That’s fine. He can come.” He mumbled.

“No, not if you’re gonna treat him like shit or worse yet; treat him like he isn’t there. What happened between you two? What’s he done to you that you can’t stand looking at him? Why do you hate him?”

My last words seemed like a blow to Mark. He blanched and took a step back.

“That’s enough, Zach!” Jeremy spoke. His eyes were glazed over. “Marky is trying. Give him a chance.”

“What? I can’t believe you. Even after he treats you the way he does, you’re siding with him?”

Jeremy looked like he was going to cry. That didn’t happen a lot and I wondered if I had crossed the lines by interfering in their family matters. After all, I didn’t know the reasons behind the animosity.

“All I want is for you to talk to him.” His voice was steady. “There might be something he wants to tell you. Ignore what’s between us. There are reasons, Zach. He could maybe explain them to you. Do it for me.”

‘I’d do anything for you, Jer. If only you knew.’ I sighed. I shifted my eyes to Mark. He had the haunted expression back on his face. The one that gave me chills.

“I’m sorry for going off on you like that. I’ll talk to you if you want.”

He shook his head slowly.

“I think you should ask Jeremy about what happened.” He spoke in a cold voice. He didn’t wait for my reply before turning and heading off. I sat there staring at his receding form.

“You should go home. I think I’ll go home and lie down for a bit. I’m not feeling well.” Jer’s voice was low and tired.

“Wait. Are you mad at me? I’m sorry for what I said, okay? It’s just, your brother, I don’t know what happens when he’s around. He seems to get to me.”

“I know.” He smiled and patted me knee. He knew? “Don’t worry about it. I’ll see you later in the day.” With that he got out and went inside the gate and disappeared from my view. The Wilsons were a real piece of work. I didn’t know how to behave around them. It frustrated me. I rubbed the small bump on my forehead, looked at the Wilson house one last time and drove off.

I got home and checked my mail. There were a lot of cards, gift vouchers and cash from my relatives. I was gonna buy so much music!

Mom had prepared my favorite style of chicken roast which I absolutely enjoyed. After that, I took a quick trip to the mall to buy some music. Music always cleared my head and right now, I needed it. A lot.

There were a lot of things that struck me as ‘odd’ lately. My parents didn’t exactly act normal like they used to around me. There was this feeling there were hiding behind happy masks.The Wilsons were different. Jeremy’s mom was good to me but sometimes she looked at me in a way that made me feel very uneasy.

They hadn’t figured out what I felt for their son, had they? That couldn’t be it. They weren’t small minded people. They wouldn’t treat me differently just because I cared for their son more than I should.

After getting home, I napped for a while.

When I woke up, the sun was almost down. Shit! I had slept for two hours. The room had gotten eerily quiet and I hated feeling lonely. It felt...depressing. I put on my ear phones and played a song by Foster the People. Okay, I had really random taste in music. I jumped around a bit, played air guitar, hit on the imaginary cymbal, nodded my head to the tune and just moved. I have to admit I wasn’t a good dancer. Hell, I was outright awkward. But, who cares? We can’t be good at everything. I was so lost in the music, I just didn’t care if anyone saw.

“Those are your new moves?”

I jumped! I mean it, I literally flew in the air, bumped my leg on the bed and landed on my butt. Thank God, the mattress was as soft as it was.

Jeremy was leaning on the door frame and grinning from ear to ear.

“Stop. Sneaking. On. Me.” I yelled. “You’re gonna kill me one day.” I said as I removed the plugs from my ear.

“Good for me.”

“That’s harsh, man. Me dying is good for you? How?”

“Umm, that way I can bottle up your soul and keep with me forever. You could grant me some wishes once in a while.”

“I didn’t know ghosts could grant wishes. I always thought that the department was reserved for the genies.”

“Not ghosts, Zach. Souls! There are some good souls that guide you. Souls of the people that love you.” He said smiling at me.

“Ookayy. Enough of creepy information for one day old man.”

“That’s not it. There’s another reason.” He said seriously.

“What?”

“You will stop getting older and uglier.” He laughed.

“You think I’m ugly, huh?”

“No. But you’re getting there.” He dodged me easily when I jumped at him. He quickly moved away laughing and got to the stereo. He checked the CD and hit ‘play’. It was the Latin American music he sometimes left at my place. Jeremy was always such a great dancer. He had won so many prizes in dance competitions. I loved to watch him dress up for those events.

Jeremy seemed to get lost in the music, forgetting my presence in the room. He swayed his slender hips to the beats. He took my breath away! He was so gorgeous. The first two buttons of his shirt were undone and my gaze shifted from there to his collar bones which made such a beautiful curve. The clothes fit his body loosely and lightly, the fabric of his shirt thin and crisp. It made him look all the more appealing to my eyes. His soft hair fell on his closed eyes with each move and turn. I could paint him if I were an artist. He was that beautiful!

He wasn’t really doing any steps, just moving his long lean legs gracefully to the music. His form was that of a dancer. Breath taking, unreal!

I thought I was trespassing on a scared land when I felt myself watching him lustfully. I sighed loudly and fell on my back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. This had to stop!

That distracted Jeremy and he turned the music off. I didn’t want him to stop. I could watch him forever if I could.

“What brought your high-ass to my little abode after you threw me off your driveway this morning?” I didn’t want to sound rude but it came out bitter anyway.

“You are angry.” He sighed and plopped on my bed really close to me. “You can’t be possibly angry at me for asking you to give Marky a chance. I don’t want you to change your opinions. I want you to stop judging someone before you get to know them. And if I remember correctly, you always thought he was so cool when we were kids.”

“You said it yourself. We were kids.”

“Yeah, but he’s still the same person.”

“Not to me, he isn’t. And for that matter, not to you either.”

Jeremy sighed again. What’s with people being so dramatic?

“Okay, but just so you know, he watches out for us, for you. Just like old times. He cares, Zach.”

The way he said it and the way he was looking at me made me very uncomfortable. Something started ringing in my head, loudly! I wanted to stop that sound, make it go away. I rubbed the bump on my forehead. The one that magically appeared there one fine day.

“Did you come here to talk about Mark?” I asked irritably.

“No. I came here to give you something.”

“A lecture on how to be good to ‘assholes’?”

“Nah.” He said ignoring my rudeness. “This.” He unfastened the white-gold chain he was wearing from his neck and gave it to me.

“I want you to have it.” He whispered.

I wasn’t expecting it. My eyes went wide and I got a lump in my throat. The way he looked at me, I’d have given anything for him to look at me like that a little time longer.

“I can’t take that, Jer. I thought we had decided to not give each other gifts until we earned the money to buy them. And this, this is something I can’t accept anyway. It’s much too expensive for me to take.” I shook my head.

“I want you to have it.” He insisted. “This year is special. It’s your 16^th. I wanted to give you something special. Something that’ll always remind you of me.”

He didn’t need to give me anything for me to remember him. I couldn’t get him out of my head if I tried. But I knew what he meant.

“I still don’t th-”

“Shh. Just say yes.”

I looked at the chain and the little pendant that read ‘Jeremy’. Pop had given similar chains to Mark and Jeremy when they were kids.

I didn’t know what to do. I knew I’d have to hide it from my parents even if I accepted it. I hated to lie about anything to my parents but they wouldn’t let me have something so expensive and I didn’t want to hurt Jeremy by rejecting it.

“T-thanks.” I could feel myself float. I wanted this to be a gift he gave me because he felt something more for me than just his ‘best friend’. I wanted it so bad. I stared at Jeremy, willing him to love me the way I loved him. But this was enough too. This showed me he did care for me a lot. Maybe in a different way than I wanted but not less.

I tried to wear the chain around my neck but my hands shook with so much emotion, I just couldn’t get it fastened.

“Let me do it for you.” I felt him shift on the bed and come closer to me. I was mesmerized. Jeremy put his arms around my neck. I tried not to lean closer. I tried so hard but I couldn’t stop. I fell in his embrace. I took in his clean smell marveling at the feel of his skin on mine. He snapped the lock of the chain and pulled back a little to look in my eyes. We stared at each other, our noses practically touching, his cherry-red lips just inches away from mine. “Happy birthday, Zach.” His breath washed over me. Then he did something totally unexpected, he leaned closer and kissed me on the cheek. His lips stayed there for a moment too long and I felt them tremble at the touch. But the contact was too brief for my liking; I wanted to stay in his embrace forever, I wanted to keep drinking in this tender moment.

He pulled back and smiled. I smiled back at him. This was the most intimate moment I had shared with my best friend.

“I should go. It’s getting late.” I nodded at him. The whole atmosphere had changed around me. I thought I’d say a lot more if I said anything at all. I didn’t want to lose Jeremy. I’d take as much as he offered me willingly.

I found myself sitting in the same place clutching the chain tightly in my hands long after Jeremy left. I realized I was far too deep in love with him. It was like, if Jeremy breathed, I felt alive! This was going to hurt. I needed that boy. I had always loved Jeremy. Life without him was not acceptable. I had to tell him about my feelings soon but I couldn’t take it if he felt repelled by my confession. If loving Jeremy meant I was gay, then I was just it, very much so. Putting a 'title' to how I felt wasn't the biggest of my worries. I was in a haze of self-doubt and paranoia and I realized I was very tired. Emotional strain can tire you more easily than physical work.

Still clutching the chain tightly to my heart, I cried myself to sleep that night.

Next up: The boys go to school. Some of the kids are good, some not so much. Zach indulges in a game of ball with Mark and his friends. Will they become friends or will the rift grow? Find out in the next chapter.
Let me know what you feel. Awaiting some response.