Loving the Lost - 6. Seeking Clarity

Lights, too many lights. Someone was screaming, perhaps shouting for help. I felt a weight on me. My hands felt sticky. There was pain too, excruciating. My back was on fire and I couldn’t feel my right arm.

“NO!” Someone shouted. I couldn’t place the voice or person. It was difficult to focus on anything. My head was dizzy. I wanted to feel the safety of my dad’s arms and I needed my mom’s loving touch. I felt like a little kid. A little hurt kid who had lost something huge.

“Mom…” I croaked.

Someone held my hand. It wasn’t mom but it was reassuring. I clutched it with all the strength I had. Someone was crying and at the same time desperately trying to keep me awake. I wanted to sleep. Go away.

“Everything will be okay, Zachy.” The voice said between sobs. This was no stranger’s voice.

“Mark…” I tried opening my eyes against the bright lights but a sudden jolt of pain passed through my body and everything went blank. Pitch black.

I woke up with my hands trembling. I hadn’t had this dream for a long time. Assumingly, the current stress in my life had triggered this. I thought I had long outgrown such nightmares. Guess I was wrong.

The dream always left me in huge wracking sobs after I woke up. My mom usually rocked me to calm me down. The events in the dream were strangely real and oddly disturbing. It made me want to see Jer badly.

This time the dream left me wondering. I wasn’t consumed by grief like I normally did. My heart still ached and the emotions were potent but there was also some clarity. I wondered if some of the things that I saw in the dream actually took place. It was like watching a movie I had watched a long time ago and vaguely remembering things as I went along.

I scooted my ass off the bed and to the window. I needed to think and I couldn’t do it if I couldn’t breathe.

The room felt stuffy on the cold winter night even though the windows were wide open.

A coyote’s howl in the distance pulsed through the still air. Shivers ran through my body as I felt someone watch me. Looking around, I only saw faint shadows dancing in the moonless night as some neighbor forgot to turn off their porch light.

I kept glancing at the street below as if somebody would magically appear. In my heart I knew I wanted it to be Jer. I wanted him to finally come around, even if not as a lover but as a friend who cared for me and wouldn’t abandon me

.

A blink of a light broke through my thoughts. It was my laptop indicating a new mail or a notification. I shook my head at the idea of kids from my school being awake and online at this ungodly hour.

Kia Falkner had posted something funny on our school wall page and I wasn’t surprised to see it get acknowledged and commented on by at least fifteen kids in two minutes.

One of those kids was Mark. My eyebrows rose involuntarily and my lips tightened. Why was he up so late? I saw he had commented a mere ‘lol’ but that got to me. How did he respond to other kids? How did the other kids respond to him? Was the exchange always as awkward as the one I had with him? What had transpired between us that brought us to this stage?

For some reason, after seeing Mark with Susan in school, I couldn’t get him out of my mind. Call me an ass but I couldn’t stomach Mark being cold to me and showing affection to someone else. It was like he rubbed it in my face. Which wasn’t true. I cared about it even if he didn’t give a damn.

No, that wasn’t true either.

Mark was my hero when I grew up. He was outgoing, smart and a genuinely nice person. You can say, as a younger kid, I sort of had a crush on him. According to my young mind, there wasn’t anyone more amazing than Mark. I usually woke up early to watch him mow the lawns in the mornings when I stayed over at Jer’s. Jeremy slept in late while I sat at the window and stared at Mark as his muscles flexed and his young body glistened under the sun. He was marvelous.

I knew he liked me as much as I liked him. Every time I visited, his eyes would brighten and we would dance around each other, gently eyeing and smiling, extremely aware of the other’s presence. He was just a year older than me and we got along well and behaved like any other 12 year olds would but underlying that was a growing affection that I felt for Mark. We didn’t want to name it but it always made its presence known in the other’s company.

Had I eventually grown out of the phase? When had I stopped feeling that way? Why had I forgotten all of that? Why was I remembering it now?

While Jeremy was my confidante, my accomplice and a shoulder to cry on, Mark was the stone, the protector and someone I looked up to.

I could see glimpses of the old times when Mark, Jeremy and I enjoyed nothing more than to be with each other. Hanging out at the arcades and watching animated flicks while we stuffed our mouths with popcorn were all we were good at.

A sudden memory surfaced. I had just started 6th grade when I contracted a viral fever which I also passed on to Jeremy. We were both too sick and Mark brought our school work everyday without having to ask. He would make me understand stuff that was difficult to grasp. He would take care of me like an older brother would and more. I would desperately wait for him to show up so that I got some alone time with him.

I remember being down with high fever and a little out of my senses. My mom had gone out for some grocery shopping as she thought I would be sleeping. I had woken up to find the empty house and panicked. The fever was getting worse. I decided to call mom but couldn’t muster the energy to move around. I suddenly felt dizzy and collapsed on the floor. The last thing I remembered was the sight of two sneaker-clad feet entering the room. then I was out like a light!

Warmth! there was warmth in those arms that held me, love in the kiss planted on my forehead. That sweet kiss! I felt a lot better as I heard a youthful voice make a call to my mom telling her to hurry up and get home. I felt moisture on my cheeks and opened my eyes to the most beautiful face I had seen. It was the face of an angel. It was Mark’s face. He was crying and mumbling something really fast. I strained my ears to listen better. “You’ll be fine, please look at me.You can’t go. Come back!”

Come back! I remembered those words again. My head was bursting. I feared it would explode. There was just so much I didn’t understand anymore. My parents were not helping either. My eyes filled with unshed tears. I tried to remember the last time I was happy, truly happy and didn’t feel so oblivious, abandoned and lost.

Memories were trying to assault my mind-good and bad. I decided to consult Susan and get in touch with her mother. It was scary to want to see a shrink but I didn’t see any other option. I would talk to Susan tomorrow.

I checked my computer again when it pinged once more. Somebody had sent me a request to add them. It was Susan. I smiled at the thought that I had made a new friend. I accepted the request and decided to take a look at her profile page. There were a lot of posts about the upcoming party and many pictures from all the parties she had previously attended. There was Mark in many of them, looking great as usual. I frowned.

After a lot of hesitation, my curiosity got the better of me and I decided to take a quick look at his profile to know what he's been up to. He had strangely sent me a request a while ago and I had equally strangely accepted but we never got around communicating through it.

There were some pictures of his with his friends and Susan but nothing that gave away much about his life. All my eyes focused on was a little green dot near his name. He was online!

Something was definitely wrong with me when my hands typed something on auto pilot and I saw myself sending a little 'hi' to him. I knew he had seen it, he had to! While I waited for him to reply, I was trying hard not to pull out my hair wondering why I had buzzed him today of all days. I could almost picture the surprise on his face. After three excruciating minutes, there was a tentative 'hey' that I received. I didn't know if it was wise to continue this conversation but decided that if I wanted to find out the whereabouts of Jeremy, talking to Mark would really help. But that was not all the reason. Seeing him with Susan had sparked something.

'how are you?'

'good, you?'

'fine'

Silence.

'so, life is good?' That was really dumb but I couldn't think of anything better at the time.

Too much silence.

'there?'

'yes.'

'soo?'

'why this sudden interest in my life, Zach?'

Would telling him I was jealous of his girlfriend or that I wanted to get information about his missing brother be appropriate? I guess not.

'just making small talk. It was just you up at this ungodly hour and I couldn't sleep.'

'oh, so i'm your means for entertainment?'

'actually, no. You're no fun.' There was silence and I wondered if he was offended by me being a smartass. I was about to type something stupid again when I received a 'haha, guess it's true' I smiled. I thought about the smile that must have appeared on Mark's face. Those beautiful red lips curving into the gorgeous smile that stopped people in tracks. Just being able to have any sort of connection with him made me feel somewhat better. I still needed to find Jeremy though. Time to get to the point.

'so, how's jeremy doing? You guys talking?'

'not really.' That was quick.

'what do you mean by not really?'

'it means no.'

'if you say so. He knew about our conversation the other day. Any idea how?'

'sounds like a confrontation, zach.'

'sorry. Just wondering how he knew if you guys supposedly don't talk.'

'are we going to talk about jeremy now? Why don't you ask him how he knows?' Mark sounded annoyed. I didn't want that. But was that guy dense? I would ask Jeremy only if he was around!

'he's not in town, remember?'

'oh' Silence. 'you know now where'd he go?'

'you tell me. You're his brother.'

'i am. I always thought we were so close. But he chose you to talk to.'

'what do you mean 'chose'? I'm his best friend. I care for him.'

'i cared for him too, zach. Even if you won't believe me now. There's so much I would do for him if I could.'

I wanted to stop the discussion. It didn't seem right to talk about jeremy when he wasn't around but something told me that Mark needed to talk about this.

'you still can if you wish to.'

'i wish, zach.'

Pause. A big pause. I was mulling over what he was saying. He cared for Jer. Jer obviously still liked Mark. Then what was wrong here?

'zach? Is jeremy happy?' I was surprised by the question.

He was, until my confession, I thought.

'I don't know anymore, Mark.'

'ok.' he left it at that. Just like that. Silence. 'would you come to the party on saturday?'

'susan's not around. You can tell me if you don't want me there. I won't mind.' I lied. The truth was, I would feel really hurt if he didn't want me at his party. I didn't want to lie to myself anymore about not caring about what Mark thought.

'i'd like you to be there.' those words coming from him calmed my inner turmoil and I realised how much Mark still meant to me. My memories about him were just temporarily forgotten. I decided there and then that I would fix whatever was wrong between us. 'So, see you at 8 on saturday, then?'

'see you, Mark. Gn.'

'G'night, zach'

I slept a little better that night.