Loving the Lost - 3. Normal?

The sound of my crying had merged with the sound of the rain that fell consistently through the night. When I woke up, I felt surprisingly fresher than when I had gone to bed.

I wanted to surprise Jeremy by picking him up for school. I drove my car to the Wilson place earlier than necessary. The excitement of seeing Jer after the realization of my true feelings was hard to contain.

There was a grinding sound from the tires as the car came to a halt. I still couldn’t make myself press the brakes gently. Gah, one more thing to learn.

Just when I was about to get out of the car, Jeremy got in beside me and threw his little book-bag in the back seat.

“Dude, you gotta stop being so noiseless. It isn’t normal.”

“All the more reason for me to do it. Who wants to be normal? Normal is the new boring.”

“If that’s the case, I think I’m in love with boring.” We grinned at each other.

School was a different affair altogether. There wasn’t much place for parking. Seems like a lot of kids turned 16 over the weekend. I managed to find a place at the very back of the parking lot.

I tried to seek out my friends. The place was buzzing with the banter of the kids. The rain-coats were rustling as they walked. There was a sea of kids and I felt like a mere pebble being tossed around. Jeremy walked zig-zag, watching his feet to avoid bumping into the kids. He looked very cute dodging people like that. Even though watching him was funny, I hated when people seemed to act so careless while they walked and didn’t mind bumping into someone. What’s the big hurry? It’s just school, for God’s sake!

We were a bit earlier than usual and I assumed the others wouldn’t be here yet. As we navigated our way through the hall, I could finally see that my friends had arrived.

“Dean!” I called.

“Hey Zach!” The guys joined me. They were three of them. Dean, Cole and Adam. We all went to the same school for years and there wasn’t a thing that we didn’t know about each other. Well, except for my sudden inner-revelation.

We rambled on about mundane stuff like the latest video games, the hottest girl in school and such other things. Yep, totally mundane! It’s funny how you pick up things to talk with friends like you’ve been talking to them all the time. The three boys paused and looked at each in mid-conversation. They seemed to be signaling with their eyes. They did that gesture often and I felt like an outsider. I didn’t want to be the ‘tag along’ with my closest friends even if I was sure they weren’t keen on letting me in on something.

“What is it?”

“Nothing.” Dean was too quick to answer. He was a tall guy, around 6 feet 1 inch with a happy, slightly freckled face and reddish-brown hair. He had warm, crinkling eyes which made him look very approachable and open. Even if he was huge, he wasn’t a wee bit intimidating. Cole and Adam were slightly smaller at around 5’10 but still broad and athletic. We were all used to conditioning our bodies to play sports. Cole had dark hair and a great physique. So did Adam. They’d have looked like twins if it weren’t for Adam’s blond hair. That was the stark contrast between the two.

“Where’s Jeremy?”

Of course Jeremy wasn’t around. As soon as we reached school, we always parted ways. He would make his way to Layla Cooper, one of the blinds students in our school. She was the only person he would talk to at school, well, other than me.

“I picked him up this morning. I think he disappeared back to the courtyard to sit with Layla.” Looks were exchanged again much to my chagrin.

“Guys, could you stop making eyes at each other?” They looked at me like I had grown another head or like I was talking Hebrew.

“Never mind.” I pulled at the strap of my bag and turned to leave.

Adam threw his arm around my shoulder. “Hey man, don’t get your boxers in a bunch.” I glared at him. He threw his hands up innocently. “We…we saw Rachael Collins pass. She was giving you the eye. Dean here wants to hook you two up. He thinks you need some action to spice up your life.” He winked at me slyly. I knew it wasn’t the entire truth but it was enough to distract me.

I glared at Dean next.

“You mean you wouldn’t thank me for it?” He looked genuinely surprised. “I’d kiss my friend’s feet if he ever got successful in hooking me up with someone like the Collins girl. I mean, it’s Rachael freakin’ Collins we’re talking about.” He said reverently.

I shrugged. “She’s not my type.” I saw three jaws dropping to the ground simultaneously.

“Dude, go get yourself checked. You seem to have developed serious hormonal…deficiencies?” Cole said after thinking some for the right word.

“Seriously? Hormonal ‘deficiencies’? I couldn’t believe my friends sometimes. “Dumbass.” I snorted and shook my head when I saw him still searching his brain.

“By the way, Robinson, where is that cell phone of yours?” Dean asked seriously.

‘Oops’ I had forgotten about my cell phone altogether. ‘Where is it? Where is it?’ I rummaged through my backpack and found my dead cell phone. I smiled sheepishly.

“Did it strike you that you decided to go hermit on us on your birthday?” Three set of eyes looked at me wearing a similar expression. I didn’t want to name it but I knew it. ‘Hurt’. “We tried to call you so many times but it was switched off all along. Where the hell were you?” Dean looked a bit angry and I blinked.

“I…umm, I was shopping for my car.”

“Yes, Einstein, that would have been the morning, what about the rest of the day?” I seriously didn’t have an answer for that. Jeremy was right about friends and these three were my closest friends after Jeremy. I should’ve been more considerate about their feelings. They never made me feel unwelcome and if there was something they kept hidden from me, it was my fault entirely. I wasn’t a great friend to them so I practically begged for some indifference in their attitudes towards me.

“Yeah, man, where were you? We thought of dropping by your place but decided against it going by how much you hate surprises.” Adam spoke. “We didn’t want you to call the cops on us for ‘intruding in your personal space’. I could visualize Mr. Green spanking my butt for breaking into your house.” He shuddered.

That was exaggeration. I wouldn’t do that to them now, would I? I realized I had spoken out loud. The three were staring at me and said “Yes you would!” in unison like it was blatant.

I sighed. “I don’t know what to say guys. I just thought it wasn’t such a big deal. It was just another birthday. You know I’m not the most social person around and stuff like throwing parties doesn’t even cross my mind. I hope you know it wasn’t anything personal.” I looked at them hopefully. I knew I was in the wrong.

Cole laughed an audible sarcastic laugh and shook his head. Dean glared at him.

“How many years have we been friends, Robinson?” He liked to call his friends by their last names when he was serious.

“Feels like forever.” I said quietly with shame building in my chest.

“Exactly. We..” He pointed at himself and the other two “should not be just ‘names’ on your party invite list. I thought we counted for more than that. You know we wouldn’t pressurize you into calling people that don’t mean anything to you. We could’ve just been there to hang out with you. Just like every other freakin’ day. Just, you know…been there with you on your birthday. It hurt us that you didn’t care to even remember us or that we would want to call you ‘cause we do care.” He spoke the last sentence softly looking directly in my eyes. His tone was a bit accusatory. Was he accusing me of not caring for my friends? The muscles of Dean’s face were a bit contorted like he was trying to control his anger or sadness from showing on his face. I guess my ‘no-show’ really hurt my friends. They were totally right but I was getting a bit nervous with the three ganging up on me like that.

“Stop cornering me, okay?” I lifted my eyes to meet theirs. They backed away a little. “I’m truly very sorry about yesterday. I didn’t mean to shun you out like that. It wasn’t purposeful. But I guess that’s not how you treat your friends.” They seemed to soften at my tone of apology and the true guilty look I gave them.

They began dismissing my apologies. These guys were so special. They always stood by me no matter what. It was always ‘us’ against everyone else.

I suddenly got excited and moved to stand in front of them. “Look, I want to make up for this. We can go out for a bite after school. Any place you want. My treat. You can call whomever you want to join us. That sound good?”

“Not necessary, Zach.” Cole said.

“But it is. And it’ll be fun too.” I pleaded.

“I have to baby-sit my little sister after school.” Adam interjected.

“Okay. What about tomorrow then? I really want to spend time with you. I just realized how much I miss hanging with you guys.” And it was true. I felt it from the bottom of my heart. They all exchanged fond smiles and ruffled my hair. I was always the baby of the group and I can’t say I didn’t like it. It was good to know someone watched your back. That reminded me of my conversation with Jeremy about Mark. I looked for Jer in the crowd. He was nowhere to be seen.

I was looking around when someone bumped my shoulder. Hard. The force made me go ‘oomph’ and I saw Dean tense beside me. I whirled around to take down whoever was looking for a fight when I heard a sickeningly friendly voice.

“Oops, Sorry. I didn’t mean to push you. But, I should say you’re losing grip. Are you looking for someone, Zach?” ‘Great, just what I needed.’ It was Kevin McGuire. He was short and skinny, with a densely freckled face and always wore jeans that hung so low I was in a constant worry to be exposed to something I didn’t wanna see.

“Not in the mood for you this morning, McGuire.” Dean barked. I rarely saw this side of him but there was something about Kevin he couldn’t stand.

“Oh. No troubles, Dean.” Kevin threw his hands up innocently. “Just thought of helping out a buddy. Zach seemed to be looking for something…” He looked at me and smiled. “Or… was it someone?”

I saw Dean trying to get between both of us. Adam and Cole were also trying to scare the little shit off by giving him hard looks. But Kevin was not the one to be intimidated easily. They seem to hate him right from the day he shifted to our school in his sophomore year. He was a junior like rest of us now. I couldn’t see what the big deal was.

“Yeah, I was looking for Jeremy. Did you see him?”

“Ahh, Jeremy.” He said looking thoughtful. “Sorry to say, Zachy, but I don’t see him much or rather, much of him.” His eyes shifted to Dean and I swear I saw fire in Dean’s eyes. Kevin visibly cringed.

I thought about ending the sign language that was taking place right in front of my eyes. I hated to be so oblivious all the time.

“Okay, Kevin. Thanks for trying to help.”

I tried to persuade Dean to stop glaring by patting Kevin’s arm in a friendly manner. Was Dean protecting me from this guy? I’m sure he knew he couldn’t weigh half as much as me. But it was still flattering to know that he cared enough to do that.

“My pleasure, Zach. See you around.” He mumbled a ‘you too’ to the other three, smiled a fake sweet smile and went to stand by his other similarly dressed friend who seemed to be observing our exchange intently.

“I swear if I meet McGuire in another place, I’ll strangle his skinny neck and kick his scrawny ass into oblivion.” Dean spoke through clenched teeth.

I had to laugh at that. Sure, the guy was a bit cocky and a pain in the ass overall, but he couldn’t be that bad.

The bell rang indicating the end of our free time and the beginning of the school day. We said our goodbyes and I asked if Dean and Cole wanted to do something after school since Adam was busy at home. They said it depended on the amount of homework and left me. My class was in the other direction from my friends since we didn’t share the same schedule. I had to hurry if I wanted to be in time.

I put my book bag in the locker taking only the books required before lunch and slammed it to get it shut properly when I found Kevin and his friend standing by Kevin’s locker looking at me strangely. They were whispering about something and giggling like little schoolgirls.

From the way they were acting, I got a strange image of two teenaged girls gossiping about some strange nerdy kid who was the current laughing stock. Only, two pairs of skinny and hairy legs stuck out from their short skirts. Gross!

I passed them, ignoring the strange looks they were directing at me. I couldn’t help listening to some of their conversation.

“…looks normal to me.” The other kid spoke.

“Exactly. You can’t tell that most of the screws in that head are loose.” They laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world.

I pitied the guy they were talking about. How could you call another kid crazy? That was just too harsh. At my age, it’s such a struggle to try and fit in, to be and appear mostly normal to others. If one wrong word got out, it doesn’t take much for other kids to make fun of them and try to make their life miserable. Thankfully, most of the kids in my school were friendly and we had a healthy sense of companionship between ourselves compared to a lot of other schools. There were also some strict rules against ragging and bullying in our school which were mostly implemented by the students. But there were kids like Kevin who tried to create trouble by spreading rumors about someone and targeting them just to have some sick fun at their expense. Maybe Dean was right, kids like Kevin should be shown their place.

I gave both of them as deadly a look I could muster to make them know that I heard them and did not approve.

That made Kevin snicker loudly even if the other kid looked like he would pee his pants.

I shook my head disgustedly and walked to my class. There was a mild throbbing near the bump in my forehead. I ignored it.

The rest of the day seemed to drag on forever. I had begun to hate school lately. None of my friends shared my schedule. Not even lunch! Even if I had friends in school allover, it just wasn’t the same without my close friends. The tip of the iceberg today was Rachael Collins being my lab partner and giving me a first-hand lesson on female anatomy by showing me some rarely visible parts of a female body. That was supposed to be a Chemistry class not Biology! She just made me realize how much I didn’t want what she was offering me. I hoped she would get the hint, but she took my disinterest for shyness and kept trying harder. I think it made her that much more motivated to bag me.

I craved to see Jeremy. I would be reminded of him every time a blond head appeared in my class. One smile from Jeremy could help me get through the day.

When the last bell for the day rang, I was a very happy man. I practically ran out from the classroom. I needed my breath of fresh air. I needed to see Jer.

His pretty head appeared in the hallway and I all but ran to him.

“How was your day?” I asked, ruffling his hair.

“Like all days go. Slow.”

“Tell me about it.” I snorted.

“Aww, it couldn’t have been that bad with Rachael wagging her butt in you lap in Chemistry.” He teased.

“Please don’t remind me of that.” I shook my head trying to get the memory out. “Wait, how did you know about that? You don’t share Chem with me.”

“Oh, I have my ways.” He said dismissively.

I wanted to question him further about his ‘ways’ but was interrupted by Gary. Gary was in my basketball team and one of those guys who were always around.

“Zach, I was looking for you.”

“What’s up, Gary?” We bumped fists.

“Listen, Mr. Grissom had an urgent business somewhere and couldn’t come to school to coach the senior class basketball team. Since it was ‘play on your own or go home’, some of the seniors decided that it would be great to have a match with the juniors. Dean accepted it and he told me to look for you. All the guys are waiting. You in?”

I looked at Jeremy. He seemed nonchalant about the conversation and just shrugged. I didn’t want to leave Jer and go. I was practically squirming all day long in my seat to see him. But I also knew that Dean and Cole would want me in the game. I was after all, the best player in our year.

“Okay Gary, I’m in. But only if we’re playing two 20 minute halves.”

“Great! That can be taken care of.”

“I’ll see ya later, Jer. Meet me by the car in an hour.” I knew he wouldn’t leave without me. He’d find something to do while I played.

I sprinted to the court with Gary. Dean, Cole and Justin had already changed and were discussing rules with some of the senior team players. Our school didn’t have an official Basketball team as it wasn’t the main sport we played.

I could see many students in the bleachers having come to watch this un-official match.

Our team captain was going to be Dean and theirs would be Mark.

As I reached them, my eyes met Mark’s briefly. He looked at me for some time and smiled. It was a totally genuine smile that caught me off guard and before I could respond he bumped fists with Dean and trotted away to join his team mates.

I quickly changed into my gym clothes and the game began.

I was playing Small forward with Dean as the Centre since he was the tallest player in our team and Cole as the Shooting guard.

It was a great game with both the teams playing their best and the students cheering us on. In the second half, both the teams were evenly matched

I was best at dribbling. I could dribble the ball with great ease. I could dribble it behind my back, between my legs and switch positions easily which would make it very difficult for the defensive players to get the ball.

While I dribbled, I would watch the defensive players with a peripheral vision. I watched Mark as he tried to get the ball from me. More often than not, he would get really close and stick his entire body to mine from behind. I tried crossover but he was too quick for that. He smelled strangely like Jeremy. It drove me crazy. As there wasn’t anyone watching our play closely, he would touch my back gently or exhale softly on my neck. The warm breath would make me catch my breath. It was all a little…intimate.

The closeness was making me very uncomfortable and distracted me from the game. I lost the ball to him when it was crucial for us to score. I could see a smug smile on his face as he scored. I realized I was sweating and very excited from the proximity of Mark’s body. I had never felt this way about him or anyone else except Jeremy.

We lost and I shook my head ruefully. We had lost because of me. I high-fived the winning team players as we began to disperse. I was sad but also a bit scared. Did Mark use the device because he knew about me? Did he know I liked boys or specifically, his brother? Did he think I’d fall for the scheme easily? I had just proven I would. It ashamed me that I would get excited by a boy merely touching me.

“Hey, are you okay?” Dean asked as he jogged towards me.

“Yeah. Just feeling sorry that we lost because of me.”

“Don’t worry about it. It was just a game and no one’s judging you.”

“I know.” I smiled.

We took a quick shower and I looked at all the male bodies in plain sight of me. Sure, I found them attractive, but none of them excited me. Not like Mark had during the game. He was probably the best looking of all, but that still didn’t make it all right to have such an intense reaction. I was in love with Jeremy and I was only confusing my feelings for him with feelings for Mark since they looked so similar. I had never thought of him that way before even though I found him breathtakingly handsome.

As I dressed and got out, my eyes fell on Mark leaning against a wall, fully dressed and in the arms of his current girlfriend. I was totally mad at him but at the moment, I was madder at his girlfriend and I didn’t know why and that made me even madder at myself.

I frowned at both of them and turned to leave. He smoothly disentangled himself from the embrace of the girl and walked towards me.

“Nice game, Zach.”

“Yeah, that was a great game you played there Wilson.” I said sarcastically.

“Thanks. I’m sure you enjoyed it. I know I did.” He said simply.

Was he mocking me?

“Great. I gotta go. Jer’s waiting for me.”

His expressions changed slightly. The smug smile faded.

“What are you wearing around your neck?” he asked in a strange voice.

I realized I had been wearing the chain Jeremy gave me to school.

“That’s Jer’s chain. He gave it to me on my birthday.” I said hesitantly.

His eyes snapped to mine and I saw a shiver go through him.

“H-he gave it to you?” he probed. His whole demeanor changed in front of my eyes. Gone was the cocky smile. In front of me, stood the same vulnerable Mark that I was used to seeing outside of school.

“Yes. Last night when he came to my house.”

He shook his head slowly, not taking his eyes from the chain.

“Wait, are you being suspicious about it? Are you worried I stole it or something or bullied him to give it to me? The way you’re acting, I’m guessing you don’t believe that he gave it to me willingly.”

His eyes remained fixated on the chain. He lifted them slowly to meet mine.

“No. I’m worried because I believe you.” He said softly and gazed into my eyes to make me see the truth in those words.

I stood there watching Mark walk towards his girlfriend, throwing his arms on her shoulders and leaving, still thinking about our strange conversation.