Loving the Lost - 4. The Face of Despair

I dropped Jeremy off and drove straight home. I needed to distract myself with something, anything. What better to do than get the school work done? I checked through my notes and realized I had a pile of assignments to get done before the school week ended.

I quickly changed into more comfortable clothing and sat at the study table starting first with math. It was kind of difficult at first but once I got into it, the rest of the problems went smoothly. I kept myself totally occupied, trying to shun out any other thoughts that were disturbing. I’d have to deal with them later anyway.

I was so occupied, I didn’t realize that I had been sitting in the scrunched up position for three hours straight. The back muscles had gone stiff and that was reason enough for me to stop for the day. I was also reeking since in my sudden academic interest, I had forgotten to open my room windows to let in fresh air.

I knew mom must’ve been home by now, getting dinner ready or at least getting ready to order.

I went to my bathroom and got in the shower. The hot water seemed to wash me as also some of my worries momentarily. It felt wonderful. I didn’t want to stay in for long, just enough to rejuvenate my senses and give a little relief to my aching back muscles. After the shower, I looked in the mirror. I made some really weird faces at myself and strangely enough, got scared of my own image! Wow! I laughed at my own stupidity.

Sometimes it’s odd but refreshing to find peace in your own company. While I stared in the mirror, I felt connected to myself. Lately, things were so different that I had lost touch with who I was. I had forgotten the person that I was or used to be. Something had changed within myself which I needed to find. It felt like there was something missing with me! Whoa, philosophy much? I gave up on the deep stuff and focused on how I appeared externally.

I could be called good-looking by a few. I was all boy, average in physique, cropped brown hair, green eyes, ripped because of all the sports conditioning. The only thing that I considered to stand out were my dimples which gave me a ‘young-er’ look. I had a great smile too as was told to me by many. My mom always said that I had the certain something that makes me appear like a tough boy but someone that girls would readily take to their parents. Weird, huh? A few girls in school liked me but there’s always someone who likes someone, right? No biggie. I was nothing like Jeremy. Or Mark. They were classically good-looking. Where I could be termed ‘handsome’ by a few, depending on the person’s tastes, they were undeniably handsome in everyone’s books.

I dressed up and took to the task of cleaning up my room, organizing all the ‘bookish’ mess I had made, for once. Oh, was I proud. Mom would be so happy!

There was nothing interesting in any of my mails, so I just decided to listen to some songs till dad was home and mom called for dinner.

I realized I had been napping when I was awoken by some noise downstairs. The sounds are always so distorted when you sleep! I tried to rub off the sleep from my eyes and focus on the sounds.

Mom was talking in a shrill voice. “This has to stop! This will ruin his life. How did he even GET this? I really can’t do this anymore. I can’t act like nothing’s wrong. This is so wrong. Do you SEE this?”

I could hear dad talking in a hushed voice trying to make her stop yelling. He was making shushing sounds to mom.

What was going on there? My parents never really argued or fought.

“Aren’t you listening to me? I can’t take this anymore. We need to do something before it’s too late.”

“I know, hun. You know I’m worried too. But this is not the right time…”

“Right time? It’s been YEARS!” She shouted.

Okay, something was definitely wrong. I was still unsure whether I should be interfering. But they were talking about ‘someone’ and I had a sinking feeling that the one who upset mom so much was me.

I quietly descended the stairs, one step at a time, still listening to every word intently and at the same time making sure they didn’t hear me. They were now talking in a much softer tone.

Mom seemed to be calming down now. I could see her face. She had been crying. Dad was sitting close to her at the coffee table, rubbing her back while she had her face clutched between her hands. This didn’t look good at all.

“We’ll take him to some other expert.” Mom was saying , determination etched on her face.

“You know what happened the last time we tried doing that.” Dad interjected harshly.

She looked up baffled by his tone, her face going through a series of emotions and settling on one: despair.

I hated to see my mom distraught and decided that whatever it was they’re talking about, I needed to know. Maybe I could help.

I made my entry as slow as possible, dreading to know the reason behind mom’s outburst.

“Mom, dad, what’s wrong? Were you talking about me?”

Both of them looked at me at the same time. Mom looked like she’d burst into tears while dad quickly put distance between them and came over to me.

“No, son.” he looked at mom, pleading with his eyes to just drop whatever was going on before I showed up. “Should we eat?”

Mom was putting up a great act too. She quickly recovered and started to get up, trying to muster up a smile.

“Y-yeah, let’s eat. I’m starving. Didn’t find time to eat while at work. Zach, would you set the table for me, honey?” she said , rubbing at her eyes futilely to hide any signs of crying. I thought my parents and I were very close. What were they trying to hide from me?

“Wait, I heard you guys talking about something.” They exchanged worried looks. “Don’t even try to deny that something isn’t wrong. So, what is it?”

A few seconds passed with nothing being said. “Nothing important. How was your day? Anything happened today?” dad said smoothly and sat at the table.

I remembered the basketball match and then my strange run-in with Mark. That’s when I noticed it! The shiny object on the table. It was the chain Jeremy gave me. It was lying there, right where my mom had been sitting.

Did the whole episode with my parents happen over the chain? Were they upset I accepted such an expensive gift? Were they suspicious about mine and Jer’s relationship? There could be multiple possibilities but nothing that warranted such an explosive reaction from my mom. Or at least I hoped so.

They were great parents and even greater human beings. I had never heard them be judgmental about anything or anyone. I was sure they would have talked to me if they suspected anything. I hoped for that so bad. I hoped that once they realized I liked boys more than girls, they would come to me and ask me directly. I was hoping I would drop subtle hints at them and they’d just pick on them and we’d get it over with. Guess I was wrong. So totally wrong.

My stomach sank and my guts twisted in a knot. I could feel the energy leave my body. A sudden wave of hopelessness washed over me. I pointed at the chain weakly, unknowingly. I was in a daze.

“What is the chain doing there?” My parents looked to where I was pointing.

Mom looked away and tried to busy herself with getting out plates. “I found it in your bathroom while I was replacing the towels. You must’ve left it there.” She said evenly.

Oh, yes. How could I have been so careless? I had taken it off for while I took a shower. I didn’t want it to get wet even though I knew that nothing could happen to it. Jeremy and Mark wore their chains everywhere, even in the pools. I couldn’t believe I left it there!

“Uh-huh.” I didn’t know how else to respond. My tongue was stuck.

“Why is it with you? You shouldn’t have accepted something so expensive.” she continued in the same tone.

“Jer gave it to me on my birthday.” I quickly blurted and stopped to gauge their expressions.

“He gave it to you?” I had a feeling of déjà vu when she asked me the question. Mark had seemed skeptical too.

“Yeah.” I said a bit too forcefully.

Dad looked at me pointedly while mom just continued to busy herself.

“When did he give it you?”

“When he came over on my birthday.”

“ A-are you sure?” She suddenly stopped working and looked at me.

“Of-course I am! He visited me and gave me the present. He said he wanted to give me something special on my 16^th. Is it so difficult to believe? You don’t think I stole it, do you? Even Mark seemed to get in my face about it. He sai…”

“What did he say?” Dad cut me off in between.

What did Mark say? His words rang in my ears. ‘I’m worried because I believe you.’

“He umm…never mind. But why are you interrogating me about the chain? Jer and I have been friends since I can remember. We trust each other with important things that matter to each other. He gave it to me willingly and I didn’t want to say no.”

“Why did you keep this from us? Why didn’t you tell us about it when he gave it to you? You should’ve just refused. Why did you lie?” Mom asked me in the same stoic tone. I didn’t like the way she was behaving. It got me mad for some reason. I was going crazy mulling over their extreme behavior and I knew that they didn’t appreciate the intensity of my closeness to Jeremy.

“For obvious reasons. I thought you’d be mad. I thought you’d not want me to have it. I thought you’d react like you are reacting right now. And moreover, I knew you wouldn’t understand.” I so wanted them to understand that I couldn’t say ‘no’ to Jeremy. Ever. I wanted them to understand that I was latching onto this gift with the hope that Jeremy had the same kind of feelings that I had for him. I wanted them to see that I didn’t look at the chain as an expensive gift alone. It was the token of our friendship and love that we shared. I wanted them to see how much Jeremy meant to me. I desperately wanted them to know that I was in love with Jeremy.

“What is it that we don’t understand, son?” it was dad. He spoke to me very softly. Maybe it was my sudden outburst or maybe it was the tears that were flowing freely down my face. The emotions caught me off guard. I was overwhelmed to say the least.

I looked at them hesitantly. This was it. This was the moment where I expose my feelings to them. After today, I was wary of the outcome though. I knew that mom was not happy with something and that had to do with the chain. But I had to take my chances. Either they’ll accept me for who I am and things will continue to remain the same or they’ll reject me and my life will go for a toss. It was now or never.

Maybe I had immense faith in my parents and their love for me. I took the former step of coming out to them.

“Mom, dad, I-uh, I” tears were flowing down my face. I kept looking at the main door, ready to bolt out. My heart was beating nineteen to twelve!

Dad had a very concerned yet warm and accepting look on his face. I decided to focus on him right now.

“I think I love… I’m in love with a boy.” I was looking down at the floor. I gazed up momentarily to see mom and Dad exchanging looks between them. Dad moved a little closer to me but I stopped him.

“Are you not going to say anything?” I asked timidly through the sobs.

“Zach…I-we, who is it son?” dad asked cautiously.

Dad still called me ‘son’ and there wasn’t any hate in his tone. This was looking better. Even if he didn’t say it was alright, he hadn’t even said anything hateful or unaccepting. Maybe they were just shocked. I decided to be completely honest. They had to have an idea anyway.

“It’s Jeremy I’m in love with. I just can’t be dishonest with you anymore. I have been wanting to tell you for a long time. I was scared” I said softly.

For a moment everything went silent. It was like I went deaf for a minute. No one said anything. This was killing me. The tears were coming back.

“Say something please.” I begged.

“Let’s finish dinner.” Mom said emotionlessly. I looked between them. Was this happening for real? They were behaving like strangers. My mom was one of the coolest parents in school. We always had a great relationship. Why was she being this way?

“No! I revealed the biggest secret to you and you’re not even going to react? Talk to me.” I was livid.

“There’s nothing to talk about. Eat your dinner. It’s getting cold.” She said quietly.

I looked at dad for help and support. His eyes were pained and glazed over. He looked like someone had died. Why was this happening to me? I never would have imagined that I had the power to disappoint my parents and they had the power to disappoint me.

I stood frozen at the place when my mom spoke again.

“Don’t forget to return the chain to the Wilsons tomorrow.”

“Mom, please…” I tried once again.

“This discussion is over. Eat your dinner.” My life was over. It would be okay if they yelled or disapproved. This was worse. Not acknowledging was like my feelings for Jer didn’t exist. The biggest truth of my life didn’t exist. I was not going to accept that.

“I’m not hungry anymore.” I said in the same calm tone that matched hers and left the table.

I wanted to cry inside but tears wouldn’t come anymore. My parents’ reactions had stunned me, paralyzed my senses.

I lay on the bed and stared at the ceiling. The chain was clutched tightly in my hands. I was hoping it’d give me strength but it didn’t. It made me sacred of the reality. I was hoping my parents would give me their support when the time came to come clean to Jeremy. I was hoping they’d stand by me. But our conversation never came to that. Hell, there was no conversation at all!

The two people that I counted on most had let me down.

I checked the time on the digital watch on my bed stand. It read 7:30. Jeremy would be calling me in half an hour. I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to feel loved by someone.

It was our routine to talk on phone every night for an hour before bed. He would call me and we’d engage into discussions that covered the most intimate truths of our lives. This was the time in the day that I loved and looked forward to the most. Even though we met during the day, we connected most when we talked on phone. It was like we left all our inhibitions behind and got transported to a world where only the two of us lived. I knew Jeremy’s deepest feelings and his craziest views. He knew mine. It was crazy, it was beautiful.

I was dreading the call today. Sometime during my reflection, I had decided that today was the day I’d tell Jeremy about my secret. I didn’t want it to happen on the phone but I couldn’t wait anymore. I never thought I’d actually go through with it.

My phone rang playing the special tone I had set for Jer. It was funny how he always called from the house phone. Jeremy didn’t have a cell phone and hated to accept calls. Weird.

“Hey.” I answered.

“Hi soccer boy. Wassup?” He replied cheerily. He knew I hated when he called me that. When we were kids, I insisted to be soccer boy when we decided to keep pet names. I thought it was cool then. Marky was skater boy and Jeremy thought it was too dumb to be using such pet names that didn’t mean anything. He was always smart. But the name stuck.

“Nothing much.” I couldn’t bring myself to match his excitement. I had a cold sweat and my hands were clammy thinking about what was going to come next.

“Hey, is there something wrong, Zach? You don’t sound too well.” He sounded concerned.

“Umm…no. Nothing’s wrong. I-uh…” I trailed off not knowing how to broach the subject.

“I can tell something’s wrong. Did something happen?”

“Yeah, about the chain you gave me…” I trailed off again.

“What about that? Did someone say anything to you?” I’m not sure how Jeremy figured out my exact problem every time.

“They just had a hard time believing that you gave it to me.” I was trying to buy some time.

“Forget about what Marky said.” Jeremy said suddenly.

I sat up straight abruptly ignoring the pain that shot through my back.

“How do you know what he said?” Mark and Jeremy never really talked to each other. Unless I told Jeremy about what happened, there was no way he’d know. I hoped Mark didn’t confront Jeremy about giving me the chain. I’d be so pissed if that was true.

“H-he told me about it. So, are you upset because of that?” He asked me worriedly. I decided to let it drop.

“Not really. I wasn’t talking about Mark.”

“Oh, who then?”

“My parents.” Now was the time again.

“What did they say?”

“They didn’t understand why I accepted it.”

“What do you mean?”

“They didn’t understand why I didn’t just refuse. They don’t understand why it should matter to me so much. Jer-I” there was a lump in my throat the size of a golf ball.

“What Zach?” Jer asked me softly. “You know I’m here. I’m listening.”

I cleared my throat a little before continuing. “Jer, I’m not sure how you’d react but I’m hoping it would be okay. I care for you so much. I care for you more than anything in this world. I am always thinking about you when you aren’t with me. There’s no one else whose well-being matters to me more than yours. I’d give anything to make you smile. I don’t know how I kept this from you for so long but now I can’t do it anymore. I love you so much. I’m sure you must’ve picked it by now. It’s so obvious from the way I look at you, the way I always want to be near you. I can’t get enough of you. These little chats that we have are the best part of my day, they keep me alive.” I was sobbing by now. “I really love you Jer.”

There was silence on the other end. I heard a few gasps for air and some sobbing.

“Zach. I gotta go.”

“Wait, don’t go before telling me how you feel about this. I don’t want you to feel the same way. No pressure. I just want to know where we stand. Where I stand. Please, Jer…” I practically begged.

“I really gotta go, Zach.” He said through sobs and hung up.

The sound of the dial tone rang in my ear. I sat there transfixed, unsure of anything anymore. This was the second time someone I loved dearly had rejected me without even an answer. I had never felt so hopeless before.

I walked to the bathroom in a trance. I splashed some cold water to try and clear my head a little. I looked at my reflection. I wore an emotion that was totally alien on me. It reminded me of how my mother looked today. It was despair!