That Feeling - 10. Snowballs

It’s late afternoon and I’m laying on the couch in the living room. My room became suffocating the longer I stayed there, which sucks because it used to feel safe. All I could think about in there was Jake and what happened and then I could only think about all the other shit, like Knox and his perfect smile and how Avery’s lips had touched his on that couch in the middle of everyone. My phone kept ringing, so I’d turned it off. I’m not in the mood to talk to anyone about anything, really. I don’t want to over-analyze things with Carson and I don’t want to hear how nothing happened from Jake and I don’t want dumb explanations from Avery or disingenuous how-you-doings from whoever feels the need to give them to me. I don’t want any of it. Only, I’m not sure what I do want. The more I think about last night, the more I think about that guy who randomly sat down and talked to me. Ethan, or whatever his name was, because he was funny and maybe for a minute I hated him, but for a lot more minutes he made me forget about everything else. I’d given him my number, so he has to call me and that’s shit, because maybe he could say something smart and I’d hate him for a second and then laugh. Maybe he’d make me forget, and all I really want right now is to forget, but I can’t do anything about it. So instead, I’m laying on the couch and staring at the ceiling.

I hear the doorbell ring, but there is no way I’m answering the door. I think my dad is home and he’ll get it. Because it probably isn’t for me and if it is, I don’t want to face it head on, not yet. I hear my dad open the door and say something, but I can’t hear what. He’s talking to whoever it is and has invited them in. I hear the door close. They’re walking this direction because the sound of his voice is getting louder. He calls out my name, I guess up the stairs. I don’t answer. He calls out again. I take a deep breath and without getting up I answer.

“I’m in here, Dad.”

“Okay, well. You have a visitor.” He says it in that goofy voice of his and I want to sink into the couch and disappear, because I already know who it is. I already know who will be standing there when I sit up and look over the couch and I dread that all together more than anything right now.

I heave myself up and look at the threshold. My dad is standing there with a polo shirt and jeans on, smiling. Next to him is Avery. She’s wearing a long-sleeved Georgia Bulldogs t-shirt and skinny jeans. Her hair is tied up on her head in a messy bun, it doesn’t look like it’s been washed. Her arms are crossed and she’s looking toward me, but not at me. I take a deep breath.

“Hey.”

When she replies, her voice is low and scratchy. She isn’t wearing any make-up. “Hey.”

My dad makes a face, like he’s just realized something terrible. “I’ll be in my office if you guys need anything.” He steps back and disappears into the hallway.

It’s silent for a few minutes before she unfolds her arms and rubs her eyes. “Caleb, look-“

“No, Avery. I don’t want to hear any excuses or apologies or anything, okay?”

She moves toward the couch and sits down next to me, but not too close. Her shoulders shrug. “Good, because I don’t have any excuses. I’d like to apologize, but I don’t even know how.”

I look away, then back at her. “Why’d you do it?”

She sighs. “I don’t know, Caleb. I wanted to. I was so…mad- at you, at Carson, at- everything.”

“Helluva way to show it.”

“I know. I was wrong. I was so wrong. But things between us, Caleb…they’ve been falling apart for…months.”

This is the truth, and I know it, but I don’t want to believe it. I want to hate her. I want everything to be perfect. “What do you mean?”

She’s crying and I don’t know how to take it. “I’m not stupid, Caleb. It hasn’t been working. You haven’t been interested in me in months, and don’t deny it! Because when is the last time you kissed me? Or even touched me without me making you?” She’s crying harder and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to handle it. “And then Knox came and he was cute and funny and he looked at me like you never did. Like he wanted me.”

“How long have you two been seeing each other?” It came out harsher than I wanted, but I couldn’t help it now. Because everything was sinking or rising or moving toward an inextricable conclusion that I wanted to avoid.

“We’re not seeing each other. We kissed. At a party. We’d been drinking.”

“Don’t lie to me, Avery.”

“I’m not lying! But if you want to talk about lying, let’s do it, okay? Because I think you have lies of your own.”

My heart beats faster because I don’t want to go here. I want to back up and turn around and say different words that don’t lead here and never will. I want things to be nice and calm and safe, but they’re not and I want to run away. “Just tell me the truth! How long?”

“I’ll tell you the truth if you tell it to me.”

“Just tell me, Avery.” I feel like I might start crying. My eyes are full and I just want to hear it.

She sighs deeply. “I’ve liked him for a while. Since he came here. I knew things weren’t working between us. Everyone knew. Except you. We’d hang out, just the two of us and he made me feel…happy and sexy and good. We never kissed or anything, Caleb. You have to believe me. Not until last night. It’s just, everything got so- heavy. And I wanted to hurt you so bad. And when you walked in , at that moment, I hated you.” She’s quiet for a few minutes, looking at my mother’s rug. She sighs. “That’s the truth, Caleb. I promise. But you have to be honest with me too, okay?”

I take a deep breath. The truth seems to be a monster that keeps following me and pulling me in all sorts of directions and maybe it’s already eating me and I’m digesting in the stomach acids. But I nod my head anyways. “Okay.”

“When we first started dating, we were so young. We just jumped into it. And it was cute and innocent. But then we grew up and I knew it wasn’t right. You tried too hard or didn’t try enough. I don’t know, but it just never felt right. And I ignored it or didn’t think about it or whatever I had to do. But then I met Knox and he liked me and I liked him and it was different. Because then it was obvious how horribly we weren’t working. So all I want to know is: did you ever like me?”

The question takes me by surprise, because it’s an easy out. Because I don’t necessarily have to say anything but yes or no and it’ll all be over and she’ll leave and everything will be fine. But what do I even say? “Of course I liked you, Avery.”

She tucks some hair behind her ear. “Yeah, of course. It’s just, I heard Carson and Sara talking last night, at the party. And Carson has been saying weird stuff for months now. About you. Like, that it’s been, like, an act or something. And I didn’t understand, and I still don’t understand, because you liked me, right? And then Jake called today-” My stomach drops. Her voice drops to almost a whisper. “And it’s just- maybe you didn’t ever like me.”

“I don’t have to explain myself to you, Avery! You fucking cheated on me! Don’t you see? I’ve always been there for you! I’d have never done that to you! Never! I’ve always been there for you!” I’m shouting and I don’t know why. Everything is coming up, because I don’t want this anymore. I can’t be nice and pretend like everything is fine, because it’s not and she’s right, it hasn’t been for a while and I know it. Everything is over and different and I can’t hold on anymore.

She jumps up. “Don’t do this, Caleb! We’re obviously over, but I don’t want to do this! I just want to know the truth.”

My tears are falling now. “You want to know the fucking truth? Huh? I’ll tell you the truth, Avery. I never liked you! Never. But I wanted to. More than anything else, I wanted to, okay. When I met you, I wanted so much to feel normal. And you liked me and it was easy to just try. But it never worked no matter how hard I tried but I kept at it because I just wanted to be normal.”

She looks at me with a frown and is shaking her head. “Caleb, are you- are you gay?”

I close my eyes. Everything at once is running through my mind, but I can’t say it. I can’t bring myself to say those words that I’ve been so free with lately.

“You are, aren’t you? Jake said, but I didn’t...couldn’t… You’re gay! I- I can’t believe this. I… don’t know what to say.”

She’s turned her back to me, her hands are in her hair. I reach my hand out and touch her shoulder. “Avery, I-”

“Don’t touch me.”

“Avery-”

“No! You lied to me! You’ve been lying to me! Our whole relationship is one big- lie. I- I can’t believe this. It all makes sense now, though. Everything is so crystal clear.”

“Avery, please.”

“No! I can’t believe you never told me. You let me make a fool of myself, walking around like I was in love with you for years while you just stood there and smiled. What? So you could feel normal?”

“This isn’t about you, Avery! And it wasn’t like that. I tried. I tried over and over and over again, but I could never make it work. I wanted to love you so bad, but I just couldn’t.”

“You’re pathetic, Caleb.”

“Avery, please, don’t.”

“What? Don’t you want to hear the truth? You. Are. Pathetic. You really thought you could change something like that? I can’t believe you would even think that.” Her voice trails off and she’s got her hands over her face. I feel like I want to explode. Tears are already coming out of my eyes, but I don’t want her to see me like this. I want her to go, but I want to fix everything too and I don’t know what to say. “Bye, Caleb.” She walks out of the room and I hear the door slam.

I fall down onto the couch. The tears won’t stay back anymore and I start to cry uncontrollably. Last night I cried and now I am crying and how do so many tears even exist in my head. I want to disappear because this is what I didn’t want. Because Cassie hugged me and Jake kissed me and Sara teased me and Carson didn’t say anything, but Avery is gone. She wouldn’t let me even touch her and my heart is sinking lower into my chest as I think about how nothing is lining up. Avery is right. I’m pathetic because I did think if I tried I could change and I listened to her say I love you and held her hand and kissed her, all the while knowing in the back of my mind it would never happen, even if I didn’t want to believe it. If I ever thought I could hold it all together, right now it all feels completely hopeless.

I sit sobbing for a while before I feel someone sit next to me. An arm squeezes around my shoulder and pulls me in. The distinct smell of my father’s Drakkar Noir mixed with the smell of garlic from his lunch hits my nose and it makes me cry harder. I can’t look at him. Looking at him will mean everything is out. It’ll make everything true and I can’t handle it. He’s trying to soothe me, saying “Everything will be okay” and rubbing my shoulder, but it just makes things worse, because I realize he must have heard everything: because that isn’t how I wanted it to happen: because I’m not sure if I wanted it to happen at all. I try to pull myself together, but I can’t. I try to talk, but it comes out in between deep breaths.

“You...heard?”

He sighs deeply. “Yeah, I heard.”

We’ve leaned back onto the couch and I feel like I’m burrowing deeper into him. I’ve yet to look up, but his smell and his warmth and his voice no longer feel like a burden, they feel like a comfort. Everything feels safer now and I don’t know what to do. All these feelings are new and my father hasn’t held me like this since I was five and my grandmother died.

“I’m sorry.” It slips out and I don’t know why, but in my head it makes sense because if he heard her, he knows and if he knows, then I’m a disappointment. And even though I hate everything, I don’t want to be a disappointment.

I feel my body being pushed away from his. His hands are grasped around my shoulders, away from his body. “For what?” His tone let’s me know he knows, he just wants me to say it.

“For being this way.”

“Never be sorry for who you are, Caleb. Never. Okay?” He hugs me close again and it feels surreal, because I didn’t expect this. I thought it’d all be different. I’d say it quietly and they’d yell or they’d find out through some horrible circumstances and confront me and I’d lose it. I didn’t expect him to embrace me and tell me to never be sorry and a big part of me inflates in all the right ways and I smile. I stop crying and pull away, wiping the tears on my arm. I’m worn out from crying and I want to go to bed.

“Caleb.”

I turn around and finally look him in the eyes. “Yeah?”

He sighs. “I heard what she said, but I haven’t heard anything from you yet. You don’t have to say anything, but I’d like you to, when you’re ready.”

In that moment I realize he’s right. I haven’t said anything to him that is substantial at all. I also realize how great my dad is and figure now is good as time as any to say what’s been bottled up inside me for so long.

I breathe in deeply and look at him steadily. “Dad, I’m gay.”

He hugs me tightly. “I love you son. Just know, I’ll always love you.”

We part and he’s smiling at me. “Are you gonna tell Mom?”

“No. That’s for you to do. I’ll be there for you and support you, but I won’t tell her.”

We sit there next to each other on the couch for a few minutes, in silence. His closeness feels good. It feels good to sit here in honesty and know that he knows and that he’s still here.

“So, do you have a boyfriend?”

“No.”

“Do you want a boyfriend?”

“I don’t know anymore.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

He nods his head. “Just know I’m here, okay.”

“Yeah, okay... So you’re really okay with this?”

“I’m not jumping up and down with joy, but I love you, all of you. I care about you and your health and your safety. I want you to be happy. That’s all I want for any of my children.”

“I want to quit football.”

He sighs. “The season’s almost over.”

“I know.”

“Can’t you make it the rest of this season?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I could. Except...Avery didn’t take the news well. She’ll probably tell everyone.”

He puts his arm around my shoulder. “I’d really like for you to finish out the season, but if you can’t, then don’t.”

“Okay.” Suddenly I do want to ask my dad something. “Dad, I do want to talk about something.”

“Okay, shoot. I’ll try my best to advise you. But remember, this is all new to me.”

“Yeah, me too. Anyways, there’s this guy. He’s my friend. He kind of figured everything out the other day. And one thing led to another and we, um, we kissed. I used to like this guy, but not so much anymore. But he told me he really liked me and has for a while. Except, he pretends like nothing happened or downplays it like it was a mistake and I just don’t know anymore. Only, I think he’s the one that told Avery about me. So, I really don’t know how to handle the situation anymore.”

He’s quiet for a few seconds. “I think this guy is scared of his feelings for you. Maybe he doesn’t fully understand them yet. Have you talked to him about it?”

“I’ve tried. But it’s impossible. He just denies everything.”

“Okay. Well, you need to call him and tell him that Avery was not okay with it. Explain that she didn’t take it well and that he could have possibly caused the whole school to find out.”

“So guilt-trip him?”

“Sure. You don’t need someone to drag you around. You need to nip this in the bud, fast.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Okay, you go do that. I’ll be in my office. Come talk to me if you need to.”

I stay on the couch a while longer, waiting for nothing. I play my part of the conversation with Jake in my head. I want it to go smoothly; I want to say what I need to say and that’s it, because for some reason everything suddenly feels like it might be okay. I feel like crap and maybe I’ll still feel like crap tomorrow, but for some reason the crap doesn’t feel like it has to be hopeless. We all feel like crap sometimes and maybe that’s important if we’re ever going to feel good at all. Maybe we have to feel the crap to feel the not-crap, which I’d never have understood two days ago, but somehow my life is snowballing down this huge gay hill and I don’t even know what to do but roll along with it. Yeah, it’s freezing and my back hurts when I hit a stone, but I’m not alone anymore, I can see all the other snowballs rolling with me and maybe at the bottom we’ll unfurl and melt in the sunlight and smile because we made it and it’s good.

I head to my room and locate my phone in the heap of blankets and sheets on my bed. I need to change them if only to get the smell of Jake off. I turn the phone on, and as it comes to life, I fall onto the bed and take a few deep breaths. This is the part I hate: The Confrontation. Because it never goes as well as you plan it in your head, because you sputter and the other person says something that makes you mad or makes you realize the whole thing was pointless to start with. So, yeah, I hate this part, which is why I’ve worn a mask for most of my teenage life, because confronting is always harder than concealing or ignoring or whatever it is we do to make ourselves know what our problems aren’t. Finding Jake’s name feels like a chore as I scroll through my contacts, but my dad is right. I have to start confronting all of this head on without reservation and maybe I’ve always known that. Maybe that’s what Cassie’s been wanting me to do, too, but my dad telling me somehow makes it true and necessary in ways that I think are somehow psychologically important, but not necessarily possible to explain right now. And so when I press the call button next to Jake’s name, it feels like maybe I’m finally taking back control of something.

It rings forever before his voice comes on low and tentative. “Hello?”

“Hey.”

“Hey, Caleb.”

I pause, because I don’t know how to say it. “Look, it’s been really weird between us or whatever, I know. But Avery just left and, um, she knows - not about us - but, uh, about me. And, um, it didn’t go well at all, but it’s whatever. So, um, probably everyone will know soon at school. But, um, she said something, about, uh, you saying something to her about this. And I just want to know, dude, if that’s true, because if it is, um, it wasn’t cool. At all.”

The line is mostly quiet, except for the sound of him breathing. When he speaks, it comes out whispery and growly at the same time. “I’m sorry.”

“That’s it?”

“I don’t know what else to say.”

“Did you tell Avery?”

“I didn’t tell her outright. I just...hinted.”

“Why?”

“I was mad and upset. At you, at myself, at everything.”

“You’re a dick.”

“I know.”

“When everyone knows, what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know.”

“You’re a piece of shit, Jake.”

“I know.”

I end the call. As I’m sitting there stewing in my own self-misery, my text alert rings. I pick up the phone, expecting it to be from Jake. But it’s not: ‘hey...well, i’ve txted you a few times today, but you must be away from the phone or totally don’t remember me or don’t want to talk to me or whatever...sorry, i’m ramblingggggg...this is ethan, btw. txt back if you want. :):)’

I stare at the message for a while, now smiling. I want to respond, but this is pursuit. This isn’t Jake’s kiss-you-because-I’m-confused or a drunken bro-job, it’s I’m-interested-and-want-to-talk-to-you and I’m scared. But I’m smiling anyways: ‘hey, its caleb...its been a ruff day…’