Losing the Best of Us - 1. The Price: Prologue

As I stood by the slightly open door with the familiar hand-painted mural around it, a sudden feeling of unease swept through my body. My heart throbbed irregularly and my whole body was unresponsive. A few minutes passed until I let out a silent but deep breath.

So, in the end, it all had turned like this. I told myself.

It really wasn't my intention to eavesdrop their conversation. Was it fate or just bad luck? Either way, I realized I wouldn’t be able to forget in a while. I felt my heart shrinking, grasping for air every second. Damn! Couldn’t it hurt more?

After all, I had felt all along that there was something off between us. I never got past the point to befriend the ones I liked, except for this time. And maybe that's why it hurt more than the other times. And it wasn't his fault. But hearing those words coming out from his mouth made realize the little hope I had left, was now gone. And on top of all, I had troubled him. I indirectly made him do things he didn’t need to.

I looked down at the paper bag I held and thought about tossing it to the closest trashcan. I shook off the idea right away.Throwing it wouldn't make me feel better anyway.

I turned around and headed back to my room trying not to make a noise. I couldn’t let myself hear more of their conversation. Even so, I decided to leave my door wide open. They would probably notice that I had arrived if I had closed it. I just had to watch my moves until they left.

I leaned on the wall with my eyes closed. I could feel the warm sunlight on my face coming through my window like every afternoon. I stood there for a while looking for a calming effect. It never came.

After taking the contents out of the bag and placing them on my desk, I carefully pulled a chair and sat in front of them. Staring at them without apparent reason I began to reminisce. I found trivial the reason that drove me to buy two lemon pie slices that now rested inside those delicate pastry boxes.

It was laughable now.

I stood up and went straight to my bed. I dug my head into my pillow, which seemed to be the best place I could stop the overflowing thoughts threatening to crush my head. I felt like crying, but tears wouldn’t come out no matter what.

How convenient.

After a few minutes, I finally dozed off.

***

I woke up half past eleven. Looking at the date in the alarm clock, I realized the day hadn't ended yet. I tried to clear my throat, but I ended up coughing. Hell! I'm thirsty. I waited for my eyes to get accustomed to the darkness before getting something to drink.

Looking around, I noticed that my door was now closed. I suppose Sean was the one who closed it. Hopefully, he would have thought I was just tired and had gone to sleep without eating dinner, as it wasn't the first time it had happened.

Craving for some orange juice, I stood up walking toward the door. My hand rested on the handle as I hesitated opening the door. I didn't want to see anyone at the moment. Particularly not him.

After a few seconds, I gave up and opened the door. Fortunately, as I expected no one was there. His door was now closed and there was no light on. The whole place now looked distant, as if I wasn't meant to be there in the first place. I walked absent-mindedly into the kitchen and filled a glass of orange juice. I took a few sips before taking a little spoon with me, heading back to my room.

Once inside, I turned on the lights and locked the door without thinking. I decided to ignore Sean's made-up warning in my mind. It was a silly rule anyway. My back rested on the door while I stared at nothing in particular, deep in my thoughts. I finally decided to sit down by the desk to open one pastry box. After all, weren’t desserts supposed to cheer you up?

Somehow it had no effect on me. I wasn't sure anymore if it would from now on. I couldn’t even eat half of it. With a defeated look, I crawled back to my bed thinking about how painful and amusing the simple question was.

"What's your favorite dessert?”

I recalled every second of that moment. His innocent tone of voice. His mesmerizing eyes. His warm smile. How could I know that it would turn out like this?

What had I done wrong? Was it my naivety for not letting go? Did I misunderstand everything?

I felt empty as tears ran down my face.

A sudden knock on my door stopped me from crying. I stood up immediately wiping off my tears.

"Hey Zach, Can I come in?” Sean’s familiar voice asked at the other side of the door. “Have you eaten yet? I brought something.”

He had probably seen my lights on. And I knew he wouldn’t leave until I had answered him, so avoiding him wasn’t an option. It never was.

I smiled weakly.

Wasn’t he a worrywart? He had classes early in the morning, but here he was, standing outside my door wondering whether I was hungry or not. But, would we still be this close if he knew the truth?

I abandoned that depressing thought and decided to come up with an excuse, even if it was a rushed one. I put on my best smile, ready to answer him on the other side of the door. I didn’t want to make him worry about my problems. At least not this one. I would have to deal with it without Sean.

My friend Sean.

The clueless Sean.