Palouse - 16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Coming Out – May 1989

David at Age 14

“Mom and Dad, could I talk to you for a few moments?” David asked. “In the living room.”

“Sure, son,” his dad said, and he nodded for his wife to follow him. They sat together on the couch, with David in the armchair on the other side of the coffee table.

“I…I,” David said, wishing for the moment that he could hide forever. “Can I come sit between you?”

“Of course, honey,” Elizabeth said. She scooted sideways to leave space between her and her husband. As David sat down, Elizabeth looked over at David, Sr., with a look that bespoke questions and concern and a realization that whatever David had to say was extremely important to him. She put her arm around her son’s shoulders, and David’s father did the same.

David burst into tears. His shoulders shook with sobs as his parents tried to comfort him.

“I…I kissed a boy.”

“Son, that’s okay. In Europe, it’s normal to kiss a friend.”

“I kissed him on the lips.”

“Oh,” both parents said.

“I kissed Micah Kingman, and, well, I liked it. I felt something…well, down there. I…I think I’m gay. I think I could love Micah.” Both parents hugged him closer, and the feeling of relief in David was palpable.

“David,” his father said, “we love you. Remember that.”

David began to sob again. His mother pulled him toward her, and he became for a short time the small boy that she had always loved and protected.

“When I kissed him – it was in Seattle – he ran out of the hotel and didn’t come back for several hours. I was really worried about him. It was all my fault. When he came back, though, he told me he didn’t mind and that he had a brother who was gay. But I could tell it bothered him. I still feel bad.”

“Son, you’re just fourteen and your body and mind are going through changes that can overwhelm you. What you are feeling may be just a phase.”

“Dad, I think it’s more than that. I’m pretty sure I’m gay.” He reached for the Kleenex that his mother handed him and wiped his nose.

“Okay, son. But I want to ask for a favor.”

“Okay, Dad.”

“I want you to talk to Samuel Kemp. He’s the best psychiatrist for teens in Spokane.”

“What kind of psychiatrist is he? Dad, are you looking for someone to cure me? I don’t want someone who’s supposed to cure me of being gay.” David was talking straight ahead, across the room, not looking at either of his parents, his voice determined.

“Hold on, son. First, Dr. Kemp has a well-adjusted gay son.” He paused to let that sink in. “Second, his other two children are straight, and third, he understands what gay children and their families go through. I want him to help you decide what you are – gay, straight, whatever – and, more importantly, for you to be happy with what you decide. Your mother and I just want you to be happy.” Both parents leaned in and pulled David into a closer hug.

“Thanks, Dad. Thanks, Mom. I love you,” David said, his voice muffled by the hug.

“We love you, too, David,” his mother said.

A week later, David was sitting in a soft chair in the waiting room of Dr. Samuel Kemp for a 3 p.m. appointment. His mother had dropped him off, giving him a kiss on the cheek and wishing him well.

Promptly at 3 p.m., a receptionist ushered David into a large, comfortable room. One wall was taken up with a bookcase. Another was glass, looking out on the old World’s Fair Grounds and the Spokane River. The other two walls displayed colorful pictures painted by children. On the floor was a thick Persian rug in a deep-red-and-blue pattern. There were two comfortable chairs set near to each other at an angle, and at the far end of the room was the stereotypical couch. David smiled to himself as he spied the couch.

He was directed to one of the chairs, and Dr. Kemp took the other. “Hi, David. Call me Sam. You’re 14, I see,” he said, consulting his clipboard. “I understand that you are a freshman, and you are a cellist. I know the last bit because I know your dad and I follow the Youth Symphony.”

“That’s about right.” David sat quietly, waiting for what was next.

What was next was Dr. Kemp spending the next 45 minutes getting acquainted, gently probing David’s interests, talking about music and generally trying to make David comfortable talking about himself.

“Okay, David, we’re at the end of this session, so tell me why you are here.”

“I don’t think I’m normal.” He said that in an even tone – an announcement, not a confession.

There was a pause. Sam Kemp’s eyebrows rose, his face concealing the surprise at David’s candor. He then asked in a clear, strong voice. “Why would you want to be normal?”

The question was not what David expected. It threw him for a loop.

Before he could answer, Sam Kemp rose from his chair to indicate that the session was over. It took David a few moments to get up from his chair.

“Don’t answer now, David. I wanted to end this session with you having to think about something, and you gave me the perfect closing. I want you to tell me next time why you want to be normal.” David was ushered to the door.

“Thanks…Sam,” David said. Sam was pleased at the first breakthrough.

* * * * *

“I think I’m gay,” David announced a week later as their session started. “I don’t think that’s normal.”

“I am going to ask you to answer my question of last week later,” Sam Kemp said, “but I’m going to ask you first why you think you are gay.”

“I kissed a boy.”

“You know, one kiss doesn’t make you gay.”

“I kissed him on the lips, and I felt something…down there.”

“So, you were sexually attracted to this boy.” David nodded. “Have you felt attracted to other boys?”

“Not as much, but yes.”

“How about girls? Have you kissed a girl?”

“Yes, but I didn’t feel the same,” David replied

“Are you aware of the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid?”

“No.”

“Are you aware of the Kinsey Scale?”

“Uh-uh.”

“It’s not as thorough as the Klein grid, but it is easier to communicate. It’s a scale that goes from zero to six, from heterosexual to homosexual. If you’re a zero you’re heterosexual, and if you’re a six, you’re completely homosexual. What Kinsey found is that very few people are at the ends of the scale. Most people are somewhere in the middle. So, it’s not unusual for someone to have homosexual feelings, even if they’re mostly heterosexual. And vice versa. There’s nothing wrong with either type of feelings. And, these feelings or the intensity of them might change over a lifetime.”

“So, I’m supposed to be on this scale somehow?”

“What did you feel when you kissed this boy.”

“Scared and wonderful. And, er, excited.”

The older man nodded his understanding. “Why did you feel scared?”

“Because I didn’t know how Micah would react. He might have hit me, or he might never have spoken to me again.”

“What did he do, this Micah?”

“He ran out, and he didn’t come back for a long time.”

“Did you feel bad about that?”

“Yes, I was scared. It was all my fault. I drove him away.”

“What did…Micah say about this?”

“He said it was okay and that he had a brother who was gay.”

“Did that make you feel better when he said that?”

“I still felt guilty. I forced myself on Micah and made him flee. I did say I wasn’t sure whether I was gay or not. It was unfair to him to impose myself like that, and I may have lost him as a friend.”

“And if it had been a girl that you kissed, do you think it could have happened the same way?”

David pondered this question for a while. “I suppose, yes. But I don’t think a friendship would end if I tried to kiss a girl.”

“For whatever reasons, there are differences between how a boy will react to another boy’s advances and how a girl will react. Maybe the differences will go away some day, but not now. In the next week, I want you to think about how you would like to deal with the differences.

“You felt guilty about kissing Micah. You felt rejected when he left. Do you think you would have felt guilty if it had been a girl who had rejected you?”

“I suppose, but I don’t think I would have felt so wonderful at the same time. I wouldn’t have been so conflicted.”

“Okay, time to call it a day. I’ll see you next week, David. Remember my question: why do you want to be normal?”

Over the next few weeks, David and Sam Kemp explored issues of sexuality and feelings by a man for another man and for a woman, about his longings, about what turned him on sexually. Sam’s probing opened up the anxieties and hidden feelings that David had been carrying around since the start of puberty – and before. The result of the sessions was that David became more and more assured and comfortable with who he was, and he decided that his place on the Kinsey scale was definitely on the gay end.

* * * * *

It was the end of their final session, by mutual agreement. Sam sat in his chair and looked closely at David sitting across from him. He felt pleased at the self-assurance shown in the young man. “Do you feel normal now, David?"

"No.”

Sam raised his eyebrows.

“No. And I'm really happy about that."

Sam smiled and then stood, signaling the end of the session. David followed suit, and David headed for the door. He looked around at the comfortable office and at the chair where he had come to understand himself better. “Thanks, Sam.”

“You’re very welcome.”

At home that evening at the dinner table, David could see the curiosity in his parents’ eyes. He had told his parents nothing about his sessions with Sam except that the one just completed was the last one. Now, with the sessions ended, he would have to say something. He smiled to himself, mischievously letting the tension build, knowing that his parents would wait until their son was ready to speak.

“I’m gay,” David said, finally.

“I’m glad you understand who and what you are,” his father said. “You know, you are going to have some rough patches from time to time. We will always be there to back you. Remember that, son.”

“We love you, no matter what” Katherine said.

School actually became easier for David after his realization that he liked boys more than girls. The pressure to woo girls simply to prove something was gone, and he could talk to them as friends and not as potential sexual mates to brag to his male friends about. With boys, he knew he couldn’t reveal that he was gay – at least, not until he was really ready – but he didn’t feel guilty anymore about taking the occasional surreptitious peek at the other boys in the locker room or in the halls.