Hugh's Pain - 7. Chapter 7

The rich blackness of Hugh’s coffee pulled on him as he waited for Gary to share what he knew of Jason. He found his gaze trapped on the dark liquid, sinking into its cold heat. When he realized that he was not really looking at his coffee, but was drifting to a different dark place, Hugh forced his head up and considered the look of compassion his host had given him―both at the cemetery and again as Hugh had run his fingers along the table top.

Four years prior, Hugh had held his dying friend in his arms. He’d felt the life ebb from Jason’s body and known deep in his bones that it was because of him. At the funeral, he’d seen all kinds of looks directed his way. He’d even seen some that were close to compassion―more of a “sorry for your loss, but didn’t you turn your back on him a couple years ago?” kind of look. But this look, the look that Gary gave him, was deep rooted, full on, I hurt for you. And that confused Hugh.

“Do you have any idea what went down with Jason?”

Hugh looked at the expression on Gary’s face while keeping his expression as neutral as he could. Not hard considering his experience at keeping others at bay over the past four years.

Gary took a deep breath and closed his eyes. As he let the air out, his eyes opened, and Hugh found himself sitting up straighter in the chair.

“You turned your back on him when he needed you.”

Hugh’s breath caught in his throat at the words. Not because they weren’t true―they were―but because they came from someone else’s mouth.

“He told you something that had been eating away at his heart for years. He trusted in your friendship. He trusted in the love that he’d felt sure in. And you turned your back.”

Hugh sat rigid in his seat, waiting for the bomb that he knew would fall. Gary had been more than nice in the hour or so that they’d spent together. Now he would let loose―compassion or not. Now he would let out the anger that had to be there toward him. Hugh just knew it. And he would take whatever came his way. After all, he deserved it.

But looking into Gary’s face… it wasn’t there. No anger, no accusation. Only sorrow… and grief. Hugh felt the knife turn in his heart.

“Hugh,” Gary reached across the table and very gently touched Hugh’s hand. “Can you tell me what happened that night? I understand the fear you felt toward your father, well, at least from Jason’s perspective. But, why? What happened that caused him to go off the deep end?”

Hugh sighed and rubbed his eyes. He looked around the bright kitchen in which he’d spent so many happy days with his best friend. Could he make himself speak the words aloud? And to this man, a complete stranger. His eyes went to the open curtain. At least it was daylight. He wouldn’t have to speak in the dark.

“When Jason told me he was gay, I think my heart stopped beating. I had a chance right that second to do something I’d only dreamt of before. But at the same time, my mind started screaming.” Hugh turned his head toward Gary and saw him nod, telling him to continue. “See, my mom was sick, dying. I hadn’t said anything to Jason yet―he’d only been back home for a day―and I wasn’t sure how my father was going to be after she was gone. He worshiped the ground she walked on, but me and my brother, he just tolerated us to make her happy. And being gay?” Hugh shook his head and dropped his gaze. His voice croaked with raw emotion as he said, “He’d have killed me then if he’d known.”

“So Jason’s feelings were reciprocated.”

It was a statement more than a question and Hugh raised his head in wide eyed inquiry.

Gary shrugged. “I had a feeling. Go on.”

“Well,” Hugh sighed, “I just blanked out when Jason told me. I think that with everything else going on, I just couldn’t deal with his admission. So, I got up and went home.

“I sat in my room for I don’t know how long before I noticed that it was dark outside and my brother, Patrick, was about to break down my door. I hadn’t even realized that it was locked. I thought he was going to break me in half when I finally got up and let him in. At first, I thought he was pissed―well, I guess he was, at least a little―but then I heard the way he was breathing and knew something bad had happened.”

Hugh got up and walked around the kitchen. He stopped at the doorway leading into the living room and leaned against the jamb.

“It was your mother, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah.” Hugh sighed and turned back to the table. “I was so turned in on myself, I hadn’t even heard when they took her out of the house. What kind of son doesn’t notice something like that?”

“The kind that has retreated within himself rather than face outside dilemma.”

The matter of fact way that the sentence was delivered startled Hugh. He turned away for a moment, letting the words settle into his mind, before going back to his seat and picking up his coffee. Cold. He set the cup down and pushed it away. He thought about the man sitting across from him and decided that, no matter how sincere Gary was in his feelings of understanding Hugh’s grief, Gary was not the one he wished to open himself to. Jonathan―also Pat and Jesse, although to a lesser extent―was the one he wanted to let in.

“You said Jason found out he wasn’t an only child right before his birthday. Is that what he wanted to tell me?”

Gary watched Hugh for a few minutes before sighing and getting up from his chair. He took the coffee cups over to the counter, dumped Hugh’s, and refilled his own.

“Do you want a hot cup?”

“Yeah, that would be good. I haven’t slept in a while.”

Once the cups were back on the table, Gary sat down and looked at his watch.

“Okay, we have some time before the boys get here,” he said and lifted his gaze to meet Hugh’s. “That was part of it. But the bigger side of what he wanted to talk to you about was moving in with his father.”

“But―”

“Hugh, just listen for a little bit, please. I don’t want to be discussing this when the boys get here.”

“You mean your son doesn’t know?”

“He knows that Jason was his uncle, but he doesn’t know all the nitty gritty issues of Jason’s background. He doesn’t need to know… and to be honest; it’s safer for him not to.”

Hugh nodded and the memory of their last baseball game came unbidden to his mind.

“Jason was jumpy that day. He kept looking over his shoulder, like he was expecting to see someone there.”

Gary nodded and sipped his coffee.

“What… who was he afraid of?”

Gary set his cup down and brushed a hand through his hair to the back of his neck. He sat quietly looking out the kitchen window for a couple minutes as though trying to sort through his thoughts. When he turned back to Hugh, his eyes had taken on a hard edge.

“Jason’s father―his biological father―has a lot of sway in the political world. While he doesn’t actively appear to the populace at large, his dealings in the background can make or break a politicians campaign.”

“You’re talking about money.”

“Yes… a lot of money actually. And with that money comes power that others ultimately want. Nathan, Jason’s father, was and still is a decent individual, but there are a few people he deals with that are rather unsavory. And, although they wouldn’t do the dirty work themselves, I have no doubt that they know others without the same compunctions.

“When Nathan made Jason aware of his true heritage, he also made him aware of the dangers inherent, though at the time, I don’t believe anyone outside of the family knew that Jason was his. I’m sure you were aware of the split in Jason’s home before his last visit out west?”

When Hugh nodded, Gary continued, “It was Nathan’s wish that Jason move out to be closer to his siblings, and that he would grow to love Nathan as his father rather than just his uncle.”

Gary stopped and, from the look in his eyes, Hugh was certain that he had shown something in his face. So, the uncle that Jason had gone to see every summer from the time he was a little boy was, in all actuality, his biological father.

Hugh’s thoughts went to a bruised and battered face. A face so swollen that only a single green eye could open to hold his gaze. A face that looked so much like Jason that it could belong to his twin.

Was he? Pat had said Jonathan was Jason’s cousin. Was Nathan also Jonathan’s father?

“Nathan had received some threats, to himself and to his family, and he was sure that Jason would be targeted as well. He hired body guards to watch his family members, as unobtrusively as possible, and Jason may have been looking around for them. I know he was nervous when he left that summer. It was a lot for him to take in. Finding out that his father wasn’t really his father.” Gary’s face took on a faraway look for a second. “You know, now that I think about it, he didn’t seem all that fazed by that bit of news.”

“He wouldn’t have been. Jason used to joke that if he hadn’t looked so much like his parents he would’ve put money on the chance that he was adopted.” Hugh shrugged. “It wasn’t that they didn’t show that they loved him, but his parents acted odd toward him sometimes. Like if they made the wrong move he’d be taken away.”

“I guess I can see that,” Gary said. “Nathan did keep a close eye on what happened with Jason. Until that summer, we all just assumed it was because he was Nathan’s only nephew.”

“Wait. You mean you guys all found out at the same time? What about Nathan’s wife? Did she know?”

Gary shook his head. “Nathan’s wife divorced him years ago. I don’t know if she knew or not. I guess she’d have to considering…”

Hugh watched Gary closely as Gary stopped talking. He could tell the other man was contemplating what he was going to say next. Hugh was considering it himself. Could he trust this man with the knowledge that he suspected Jonathan to be Jason’s brother? A lot, in Hugh’s mind, depended on what Gary said next.

Gary sighed and ran his hands across his eyes and down his face.

“I didn’t know the family back when Jason was little, but Ellen told me her mother left before her youngest brother was born. It had surprised Ellen when her father showed up with the baby in hand, considering the way her parents had fought in the end, but being twelve and very much the mommy type, Ellen didn’t question it. She just accepted and loved Jon the same as her sisters.”

That cinched it for Hugh. Jonathan was Jason’s twin.