Dan's Conundrum - 16. Chapter 16

For my friend, without whom this would never have been written.

He had always thought it would be a day to remember.

All these years of waiting and yearning in the dark, this was the result.

He must have been dreaming.

This was unreal.

He saw the once dark and beaten church he dreaded coming as a child lit up and came alive with white ribbons and flowers. Candles flickered, hinting at the new life that was to come. He saw himself and the man he loved in black tux and trousers, standing proud before the altar. He saw his family and friends, in their legions, waving and grinning in the congregation. He saw wailing babies hushed and taken hastily outside. Among echoes of excited chatter and jokes and laughter, warm smiles and glowed cheeks, there was an anticipation that something momentous was waiting to happen on the horizon.

Shawn never thought this day would come. Never. But he was standing here right now and it was all real. Despite all the preparation, all these months painstakingly planning every last detail, right here and now he wasn’t sure how to behave or, what to make of himself. Should he wave back and grin or should he for once not conceal the tears in his eyes? Right now he felt like crying, against his better judgment. He felt like he wanted to cry on this day more than any other day. It was nerve-wracking that he could break down any moment now. A single tear would spoil the day – he knew that much.

But then the man he loved turned and gave him that encouraging, reassuring smile, sharing a sympathetic look. Ah, Connor. Where would he be without Connor in his life? Nowhere, no doubt. Had he lived at all before Connor so miraculously appeared in his class and into his life, years ago? Before he realised Connor became his friend and changed everything. As Shawn remembered it was love at first sight. Connor taught him everything, the meaning of life, to be at peace and to be himself and moreover, to love like Shawn never thought he could. Every time when he was in need, Connor was there for him. Now, today of all days, Shawn must do the very same for the man to whom he owed so much.

The bride was late.

Being late on today of all days was unacceptable. Were he marrying Connor today he would not be late. He would be bang on time, if not fifteen minutes early. No, half an hour at least. Shawn took a minute to silence his thoughts. Nervous whispers in the congregation and an impatient-looking pastor in turn dampened the mood on Connor’s lovely face, replacing an expression of joy to one of uncertainty. The air stank of doubt and concern. Even Shawn could feel this sinking sensation and he felt vaguely responsible. The big day must not be ruined.

‘I’ll give them another call,’ Shawn said.

Connor gave the nod, patting him on the shoulder.

The phone rang and no response came. Shawn didn’t know whether he should be glad or angry. But that was when they all burst in from the main entrance. Five young girls, no more than twenty years of age, preceded the bride in silk and diamonds, arm in arm with her father. She was beautiful.

For a split second he saw the lights in Connor’s eyes restored in her presence. He saw her in Connor’s eyes – the most amazing woman in the world. He saw her giving Connor his meaning of life, teaching him to be himself, and to love more than even Connor thought was possible. He saw Connor’s family and friends gathered from thousands of miles apart to celebrate Connor and Sharon’s union.

Shawn watched in silence. The vows were made, the rings exchanged, the prayers were said, the papers were signed and the world he knew was ending. Yet in the face of calamity Shawn was not depressed. His love for Connor was irrelevant and inconsequential, that was all. It was not his day. They were not meant to be together. Perhaps he never deserved him and he only saw it now.

For a moment it seemed even thinking about his affection for Connor would be ruining the day – it should be a happy day, a day of acceptance and selflessness. It should be a day of celebration and Shawn merely had to find something to celebrate about. What Connor had given him now he must give in return – his ability to love. Perhaps because he could love, he could put Connor before his own self. He could put Connor’s needs above his own. It was what Connor would have done.

What else would Connor have done? Did he even know that Shawn was in love with him all this time? Did it even matter? But if Shawn hereby in the church this day learned the final lesson of what it meant to love, then there was one thing he was certain of, lingering in the back of Connor’s mind. If anything, he would hope that one day Shawn too would find someone willing to love him just as much as he’d loved Connor. For, what else is there in life, apart from finding the one who would love you and put your love before their own?

Second_Chance: That was so…Evanesce!

Call me strange, but I found that vaguely complimentary.

Byron: Nope, it’s my own work.

I smiled to myself behind the screen. I didn’t write the story in the spirit of emulating another but if I had, I must have been pretty good.

Second_Chance: You need to go out more, mate. You’ve read too much Evanesce. This is proof. It’s bad for you.

Byron: Well you’re raging about it, so I must be doing something right!

Second_Chance: But you made me cry :(

He cried? Oh dear. I certainly didn’t cry when I wrote it.

Johnny3: Byron, don’t know what you’re going through, but I hope you’re okay.

Byron: Thanks Johnny.

Except…I’m not going through anything. If I were going through something, I did not feel it. I had no idea why people kept telling me these things.

I was anxious to hear what Evanesce made of it. He went online five minutes later.

Evanesce: Much better. Descriptions feel much more in context now and the melancholic tone was most appealing. The ending feels rather weak and isn’t as structurally sound as the beginning. Several ideas seem to repeat itself, more than my liking. What you did manage though is to convey the emotions of Shawn in a somewhat convincing manner. That’s quite something in itself.

Johnny3: Wow, high praise from high places.

Byron: Thanks Evanesce. Your words mean a lot to me.

Second_Chance: Well it should. It’s the nicest thing he’d said to any story here in a while.

Evanesce: Those who get my praise deserve it.

Second_Chance: …:(

Rodolfo has signed in.

Johnny3: Hey Rodolfo, long time no see.

Rodolfo: Hey guys. Yeah, been busy lately.

Not that I knew Rodolfo, so I reckoned it was better for me not to interrupt their catching up. Then I checked on my friends on Facebook, returned a few pokes from David and Chris before a little beep noise drew me back to G.A. again.

A private message from Rodolfo.

Rodolfo: Hey.

Overcoming my initial surprise, I replied,

Byron: Hi. Do I know you?

Rodolfo: Nope. Just wanted to say how much I loved both of your stories.

A fan? I was flattered.

Byron: Thank you so much. Are there any stories by you you’d like me to read?

Rodolfo: Nah. I’m not as good as you :P

Pause.

How to inspire Rodolfo to reach for his dreams?

Byron: Well, we all had to start somewhere. As long as you keep trying, there’s no reason why anyone can’t write better than me.

Rodolfo: Yeah right.

Pause. I was suddenly curious so I looked up his profile. He was seventeen, from Manchester – what? Really? Are you serious? Could there be…?

Then I dismissed that thought. He was probably not single anyway. Best not to let my hopes up. Heartbeats however, were more difficult to control.

Rodolfo: When can I expect another story?

Wow. Someone is really eager.

Byron: I’ll see about writing another one soon :)

Rodolfo: Get to it then. Why are you still here? :P

Byron: I’m ill. Writers don’t get sick leave, do they?

Rodolfo: Nope.

That much is true. Cheeky sod. I suppose I’d better write more.

* * * * *

The mere thought of going back used to give me a terrible nausea. Another term, and God knew what the other kids would do to me this time round. Time again I thought I’d been through it all, when the worst was still to come. But this year it felt different. I was looking forward to seeing my friends again. That was not something I ever felt before.

When I stepped into form period that day I saw David sitting on the side looking really tired and lost. He was never any of those things. Where was that energy and drive that made me feel we were going to have fun together? Today, I saw a sad puppy for the first time. Instinct told me to give him a hug but then, I’m a boy, so I guess I won’t. I took the seat next to him without asking.

‘What’s up with you?’ I asked in a typical, boyish manner.

I sounded like a chav but oh well. He didn’t answer me. He was happier watching Mr Woods and figuring out what he was doing underneath that desk. In the corner of my eyes I saw Jenna on the other side of the room, pretending not to see us. I tried to wave her over to begin investigation but to no avail. Suddenly I felt really unloved.

He must have noticed, for he finally spoke without looking at me.

‘We, er, broke up.’

I regarded him in silence. Was he serious? They loved each other. They broke my heart for months. Despite that, I was not elated. My dream boy was single. Poor him! God knew what happened but I wanted him to be happy. It sucked that I would never be the one to make him happy, but I still wanted him to have the happiness he deserved.

If I were a good friend I should start acting like one and be there when he needed me most.

‘What happened?’ I carried on. ‘You two were good for each other.’

Did I even mean that? I couldn’t say the right things these days. He shook his head. He didn’t want to talk about that either. Or maybe I was talking too loudly and he didn’t want others to hear? I leaned closer.

Then a thought occurred to me. I felt sick. I squinted my eyes. ‘You didn’t er…get her pregnant or anything nasty did you?’

He was shocked. ‘God no!’ he whispered. ‘Surely you’ve heard of contraception?’

Then they have done the dirties! I could well imagine myself strangling him on the spot right now with both hands. Intolerable.

I absorbed the news, trying to find something useful to say. ‘Yeah I’ve heard of it. Such a funny word. Not something I need to worry about though, with any luck. You know what I mean?’

It took a second for him to react. He choked back a laugh. ‘With any luck? Dan, seriously?’

I explained. ‘Yeah. You know, providing I wasn’t raped by an old lady or something like that.’

He sighed, a hint of warmth returning to his eyes. ‘You won’t. Don’t flatter yourself.’

‘Oh come on, don’t be mean,’ I said, pleased with my distraction so far. ‘You and I both know that only old ladies would dig me.’

He turned, staring into my eyes meaningfully and paused. ‘Love comes to you when you’re not looking for it,’ he told me.

Don’t worry, his eyes were saying, you’ll find your guy.

I wished that guy could be him. But only in stories (that I write) do straight guys turn gay. Would I only stop having feelings for him when he had a wife and kid? Would only standing in that church as his best man waiting for the bride, kill my feelings for him once and for all? That would have been too late. Sometimes, you just have to cut yourself.

‘Oh, I’m not looking for it,’ I sighed. ‘I’m destined to be single either way.’

He looked at me confused.

‘Nothing wrong with being single,’ he said finally, lightening up. ‘I kinda like it. You’re free to do lots of things.’

‘Yeah right.’ I turned away. ‘Says someone who can have a relationship anytime they wanted.’

‘Not anytime.’ He smiled at me, giving me a thumbs-up. ‘Don’t worry. You’ll find someone real soon…’

That wasn’t the point at all. I didn’t even care if it were real soon or next year or never. The point was I managed to make him smile again.

I gave him his smile back.

Because I love him to bits.

Just returning the favour, man.