Dan's Conundrum - 9. Chapter 9

‘Stop staring at David!’ Chris told me the next day in P.E..

‘I wasn’t staring at him!’ I retorted. Though I did, for a second or two. David was taking off his shirt – impossible to resist. In an instant my eyes were onto his smooth, gorgeous body, lavishing the sight of his abs, his arms, his chest, and I could not pull away. But it was only for a second, not like I was ogling him for minutes on end. I mean, I could have but I chose not to because I didn’t want to be obvious. And how was that Chris’s business anyway? I could stare at David all I want.

If this guy keep outing me in public, I swear I’ll twist his arm…

‘Yeah, right.’ Chris snickered, nudging me on the side. I wanted nothing more than to strangle him on the spot.

‘See anything you like?’ David grinned, turning to me. He paused, shirtless, and flexed some muscles, presumably to give me a good look.

Anything and everything about you, I wanted to say. Can I touch you? But the words never got past my throat. Instead I said, ‘You two are meanies.’

‘This is called tough love, Dan. You need to stop being so damn obvious,’ Chris said, shaking his head in frustration. ‘Let me show you this.’

He sucked in a deep breath and stood, pretending to be serious. He demonstrated a comic, albeit exaggerated version of myself innocently throwing glances in all directions while his eyes inevitably return to David – not at all accurate. He lacked the finesse and discretion. David chuckled, completely entertained. I was less than impressed.

‘See? Anyone can tell. This is how I’d to it.’ He bent down a little, seeming to search for an unknown object in his bag which was never found. But I was certain he eyes were on me. He was using his peripheral vision! He did eventually find the object, but by then another had gone missing too. Then he started searching again. The diversion seemed to work: I certainly wouldn’t have noticed if he hadn’t told me. But…wasn’t he going through his kit like that in the last few weeks in exactly the same way?

‘This is good,’ I commented, nodding at him. ‘I approve.’

‘You approve?’ David asked, shocked.

‘Trick of the trade. Takes practice of course. Now you can stare at him all you want.’ Chris gave me a thumbs-up before happily slapping David in the butt.

Blood drained from my face. Did he just –? I would never have the courage for that sort of thing. Chris looked back at me. Touching David isn’t all that hard, you know, he seemed to say.

In a second, David’s eyes shifted from shock to recovery to vengeance. He did not hesitate as he put Chris in a headlock, trapping him under a strong arm, pushing his head against that sexy body.

‘Seriously – trick of the trade? Do you mind?’

Chris offered no resistance, happily being trapped. Did he realise that, since David was topless, those abs were within kissing distance? Only a little turn and he could have kissed them.

‘Well, do you mind?’ I challenged.

His eyes softened, before letting Chris go. He shrugged at me. ‘No,’ he said. ‘But others might.’

‘I don’t even like staring at them. Why should they mind?’

That was never meant to be said, but it came blurting out of my mouth. He didn’t know how monogamous my staring habits had been lately. All other guys paled in comparison, and I wanted him only. He opened his mouth, confused, as though about to say something or make a witty comeback. He was so stunning, standing there searching for words. Then he smiled, realising what I’d just unwittingly admitted.

He winked at me. ‘Just keep it all inside your head.’

Relieved and full of gratitude, I bit my lip and looked away, unwilling to meet his gaze. Did he just give me permission to lust after him, a straight guy, as long as I keep my hands to myself? And I get to keep the thoughts in my head? That sounded kind of cool. I like David.

‘Aww, thanks! Can you put me in a headlock?’

He rolled his eyes. ‘Don’t push it,’ he told me, finally putting on some clothes and removing that body from sight.

He loved me really. He just wouldn’t admit it. I smiled to myself and returned to changing. It felt better now that he knew. Another weight lifted from my chest. Yet, despite knowing better, I was still undeniably attracted to him. I couldn’t help it, but far from crying myself to bed about it or whatever, I was now more interested in how he could be so magnetic.

Surely to find love there had to be more than just being in the right place at the right time. Something still had to happen – they must be attracted to each other. About something. Not just looks. What was it? Maybe it was a trick I could learn. The last thing I needed was to screw up even in the right place and time because he simply wasn’t interested. This was the missing part of the jigsaw, one I still needed to figure out: how to be irresistible.

Hey, maybe David could teach me.

* * * * *

‘Imagine there is a fly in your room and it’s annoying you. A lot. Would you kill it?’ I asked David when we were walking home together that afternoon. Actually, this wasn’t by the furthest stretch of imagination a random question. It was carefully designed and I’d been wanting to ask him this for the entire afternoon. Yet another test I devised of course to unravel this mysterious guy, this enigma, who still intrigued me to no end.

‘No?’ He shook his head, having no clue why we were having this conversation.

‘What would you do then? Just ignore it?’

He stared at me strangely. ‘I’d probably capture it and release it outside. Why? What would you have done?’

‘Well,’ I said, glancing around uncomfortably, ‘I would kill it, of course.’

‘Why?’ he asked, complaint filling his eyes. ‘It’s not doing you any harm.’

‘Actually, it is,’ I said. ‘They carry pathogens and they’re spreading bacterial colonies wherever they land. And if that isn’t enough, they reproduce, so if you don’t kill them, they’ll just multiply. Then there’ll be more of them flying around, spreading even more bacteria.’

‘I don’t care. Killing’s just horrible.’

‘Think of it this way: letting it live isn’t ATP-efficient.’

He frowned at me, completely baffled by the logic.

I explained, ‘Kill it now, fewer flies to capture later.’

‘Okay?’ he said, raising an eyebrow. He must have thought me a lunatic, though he probably realised that a long time ago. Perhaps since the first day.

Nevertheless, he passed the test. It was as they say – he wouldn’t hurt a fly. He was nice, too nice. He might not have everything worked out, but how would that matter overall in the nicest guy you could possibly meet?

Am I the only one who would kill flies?

I contemplated a little. ‘Can you put me in a headlock?’

‘No!’ He looked at me incredulously. ‘Why would you want that?’

‘Uh… No reason.’

We were silent for a while as I reflected on my findings. The results from both questions were consistent. No wonder he had a girlfriend. Had he no dark side to him at all? Either that, or he hid it really well. That was why he was so attractive. That was why everyone loved him. Because he was nice. He was a good person. There was a lesson to be learned here.

David said to me, ‘Jenna and I were talking about you earlier, actually. She thinks you seem different.’

‘Oh? Good different or bad different?’

He thought for a moment. ‘Um…good. She never thought you’d be such a fun guy to hang out with, you know?’

‘Fun?’ I was anything but fun. To her, at least.

‘Actually, I said that.’ He shrugged. ‘But she was glad you were talking and chilling with the rest of us, instead of…sulking somewhere.’

I objected, ‘I don’t sulk.’

He winked. ‘According to her, you did.’

‘She’s wrong then,’ I said. ‘I haven’t changed at all. I’m still the same old me.’

‘I think you seem different as well,’ he admitted, smiling.

Really? He thought so too? I asked, ‘In what way?’

‘Dunno,’ he said. ‘You seem happier, more at peace. Less angry.’

The word just never occurred to me, when I described myself. ‘Angry?’ I looked at him, surprised.

‘Yup, that’s what you were. You’re chilling and having fun like everyone else now.’

I smiled dryly. ‘Maybe that’s just an impression I want to give. Maybe I have no feelings.’

He squinted his eyes, obviously thinking. ‘I think you do seem happier though.’

‘I suppose…’ I said, looking away. ‘I’m less angry if you put it that way. Don’t even know what I’m angry about.’

’Maybe it just takes you a while to warm up to people.’

Pause. It was time to break the news.

‘I want to change,’ I told him simply. ‘But how do I know I’m going the right way?’

He seemed confused. ‘Wait. What? Why do you need to change?’

‘So other guys will like me. I want to be a nice guy. How do you become one?’

‘Dan, you are a nice guy.’

‘No I’m not.’

‘Well, I think so!’

‘I’m not a nice guy like you are.’

He cringed. ‘But shouldn’t people like you for who you are, and not someone you’re trying to be?’

I challenged. ‘And if no one likes the person you are?’

‘Well, I do,’ he interrupted. ‘Dan, I’ll find you a guy and prove you wrong.’

‘You will what?’

‘Yeah, Jenna and I were talking about that too.’

They were planning to set me up? They were scheming and plotting behind me. And how would finding me a boyfriend benefit their own genes’ survival? It wouldn’t. No explanation seemed possible, other than they were simply nice people wanting to do nice things for me. I could not even begin to compare myself. I was worthless. All this time I was dying for them to break up. Nice people like them deserve each other, not with someone like me.

‘You can try,’ I said, ‘though right now, I doubt anyone would want me.’

‘Dan, if no one else does then it’s their problem.’

‘And mine too. That’s why I need to be a better person.’

He allowed a moment for my words to sink through. He bit his lip, frowning at a thought.

I stared at him, puzzled. ‘What?’

He smiled sadly. ‘Just…don’t change too much, Dan… Don’t lose sight of who you are.’

What bollocks. I knew very well the person I was, and I did not like what I see. I knew all the things I did and all the thoughts that ever crossed my mind. They were not pleasant. I was the opposite of everything I needed to be.

That’s why I don’t deserve love.

Not yet.