Dan's Conundrum - 19. Chapter 19

However fun my birthday turned out to be, I knew with a heavy heart that it would not happen again.

I might have another birthday, but there would no longer be the thrill, the delightful surprise when my friends emerged from my parents’ car and drowned me in hugs, presents and laughter. In two years we would finish our studies and part ways, probably never seeing each other again. And this birthday would just be a shining star in the corner of a forever expanding and cooling universe, always shining, always waving at me in the back of my mind. It would cease to matter when the horrors of adult life hit home, but that wasn’t to say I didn’t have fun. That didn’t mean I couldn’t enjoy my life while it lasted. Surely making the most of now is the key to existence?

With the exams in June looming like dark clouds on the horizon I had spent considerably less time hanging out with my friends on weekends and instead sat more at the computer. But that was okay though. I learned that Yi-Ting and Man-Hong had Facebook now and we could chat long-distance. Ka-Fie too, despite his father being a privacy freak, used his secret profile to let me know how my grandparents were doing. They were alive and well, he’d say, still waiting for our return.

On one Sunday morning I went to town to meet the elusive author from G.A., Second_Chance, and his boyfriend. They came all the way north from London to visit – well, not sure who they were visiting exactly but certainly not me. I was just a secondary objective. That’s fine though. I couldn’t resist a chance to meet a gay couple for real.

We chose to meet in Starbucks. I had no idea how to locate online identities – I was given a phone number in case something happened but little else. So how do we know we were approaching the right person? Maybe some psychic things would be at work and we’d just know when we laid eyes on the other? I searched the place. An old lady was sipping tea melancholically. A young woman, a journalist or writer perhaps, scribbled away at her notepad. University students were laughing at sex jokes on one end. Eventually my eyes arrived at the darkest corner where, without good reason, no one would look. I walked over, my eyes fixed on a young brunette man in his mid-twenties. He looked up at me curiously as I approached.

‘Hi!’ he said brightly.

‘Second_Chance.’

‘Yup, that’s me.’ He smiled. Then he turned to the man next to him, ‘This is my boyfriend, Nasser. Nasser, this is Byron from G.A..’

The Indian man looked at me and smiled. He had one of the most charming smiles I’d ever seen – he would even give David a run for his money! He had a well chiseled jaw and a pair of dark, seductive eyes – wow, what a hottie…

‘Hi,’ he greeted cutely. ‘I heard a lot about you.’

‘You can stare at him all you want, yeah?’ Second_Chance laughed at me.

‘I wasn’t really…’ I fumbled

Second_Chance chuckled. ‘He’s used to it, don’t worry.’

My cheeks flushed. ‘Yeah, but…’

‘You can sit down, you know?’

I sat down clumsily. Too embarrassed to speak. I took a minute to compose myself and trying very hard not to look at Nasser. Then I couldn’t help but feel the empty seat placed here for me was intentional, now that I’d trapped the two of them in the corner and blocking them from view. I was beginning to like their idea of privacy.

‘Loving Manchester?’ I felt like asking.

‘I love it. Nasser hates the weather, so,’ Second_Chance said, ‘probably somewhere between love and hate. What about you? How’s life? Not seen you on the site for a few days.’

‘Yeah, exams coming up. Anyway, what have I missed?’

Second_Chance’s eyes lit up. ‘Apparently, our resident critic Evanesce managed to find someone.’

I stared at him, gobsmacked. ‘Oh my God?’ Then I grinned. ‘Really?’

‘Yeah. He said he’s retiring from writing now. He’s found love and he doesn’t need to write about it anymore,’ Second_Chance smiled. ‘What does that mean? It’s never too late. Man, he’s waited long for him.’

‘Wow,’ I said, still in awe and unable to think clearly. ‘Maybe there’s hope for me after all then, huh?’ I chuckled.

‘Of course!’ Second_Chance said, ‘You’re still a baby. Of course you’ll find love.’

I wasn’t sure I liked being called a baby. I was seventeen!

I told him, ‘Well, for me, I learned that love isn’t the missing part of the jigsaw but a lick of paint to make the picture shine. It doesn’t make good a life, but it makes a good life better.’

Nasser nodded appreciatively.

‘And I don’t care if The One doesn’t come now. Love happens in due course. If it doesn’t happen then it doesn’t. You can’t make someone love you – unless in a story – and you surely can’t predict when he does, if he does. But hey, I can still live a good life regardless of what happens, you know? What’s not so say you can’t have peace, somewhere you belong and have friends who love you?’

Second_Chance thought for a moment. ‘But if everyone’s waiting for something to happen then…nothing does. Love doesn’t do home visits like rent boys do. One of you has to take the first step.’

I was unconvinced. Second_Chance continued, ‘Take Nasser for example. I made the first move. He’s a reticent, shy cutie pie that would never have talked to me by himself in a million years.’

Nasser blushed heavily.

‘I asked you out, remember?’

Nasser nodded. He told me, ‘Some balls he’s got, chatting up strangers in a bar.’

‘Yes I have balls. Thank you, Nasser.’

‘Uh…’ I interrupted. ‘Should I be listening to this…?’

‘Sorry, hehe,’ Second_Chance giggled when Nasser blushed again. ‘So many guys just never imagined an Indian man like Nasser could be the biggest find of their life. I’m so proud of myself (He chuckled). Anyway, the point is, sometimes love is there and you just need to reach it.’

‘Okay,’ I said, failing to see how this is relevant to me. Second_Chance seemed to sense that too.

‘So, take Rodolfo for example. Why not ask him out?’

My eyes widened. ‘Whoa whoa wh…what?’

‘Oh Byron, it’s not hard to tell. He clearly has something for you.’ Second_Chance winked. ‘Besides, Johnny is all-knowing when it comes to romantic secrets.’

‘How did he –?’ I asked, astonished.

‘Johnny pried it from him. He told me and now I tell you.’

I rolled my eyes. ‘Such matchmakers.’

‘Always. You boys would be perfect for each other. Both from Manchester, both pretty shy,’ Second_Chance chuckled. ‘You have to make the first move, mate. He thinks you’ll reject him.’

‘Yeah well, I don’t know. Don’t think I’m ready for that sort of stuff. What if he wants sex?’

‘Go somewhere public. Grab a coffee or lunch. He wants you to like him too, you know.’

‘Alright,’ I sighed. ‘I guess it can’t hurt to meet up once, right?’

‘More than once, come on!’ Second_Chance said. ‘If you make the move, he’ll be overjoyed. You two are going to be so cute! Are your parents okay with it though?’

‘Okay with what?’

‘With you, being gay.’

‘Not sure. I’m not out yet,’ I said in a carefree manner. ‘But then I was just thinking: being gay could be a biological fact, a belief, or both. People can believe they are gay when they’re not, and vice versa. How do we know which is which? Besides, you know how my parents are.’

‘Religious?’

I nodded. ‘It doesn’t bother me so much now, once I knew where they were coming from. The religious want our ways contained because of fear, not hate. Well, fear leads to hate too and other things, but that aside,’ I continued, ‘they want us contained because gays just aren’t useful to them. Their religion is dying. They need an edge in the reproductive race against time and other religions. They need babies and the next generation of believers.’

‘You don’t sound like you blame them at all.’ Second_Chance managed a smile.

‘No, I pity them. I forgive them too. They are humans as well.’

At that point I saw Nasser placing his hand on Second_Chance’s, squeezing it lightly. Second_Chance turned, his eyes softened once again when he melted at his boyfriend’s heart-warming smile. They paused for a second and looked on in silence. Second_Chance bit his bottom lip, unsure about a thought.

Nasser told him, ‘Maybe it’s time you forgive them too.’

‘I don’t know…’ Second_Chance trailed off. ‘They kicked me out when they found out about you. I can’t forgive them. I need time.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ I condoled, wondering if it would happen to me one day.

‘You’re right. They’re humans too.’

‘But you always seem so happy. I never would have guessed.’

‘Do I really?’ He shrugged, looking at Nasser briefly before turning back to me. ‘Everyone had their share of suffering. Me too. I just see no point in being sad.’

As the morning went by the mood on the table seemed to have lightened up. We joked and laughed at the silliest things we did back in kindergarten. And I got what I wanted to know: Second_Chance painted every detail of living with the man he loved for six years.

‘He snores,’ Second_Chance told me.

‘Hey!’ Nasser protested, hitting him on the arm.

‘It’s cute though.’

‘Yes, so is your broken rib when I pulled you off the couch.’

Perhaps because I wanted that too someday (not the broken rib – the relationship I mean), when I hugged them farewell that afternoon, my heart ached again, this time because I saw what my future could be. I wished that were sooner rather than later. Perhaps Second_Chance does have a point about reaching for my dreams. Surely they had been through a lot and they’d climbed their share of obstacles to be where they were. Now I need to climb mine. I was sure that somewhere, beyond those hills, he would be there too, waiting for me. All I need to do was climb and reach for him. I just knew. He had to be there.

That’s why we live on, right? Because there is hope that it gets better.

* * * * *

It was weird. You knew someone was interested in you when they didn’t know that you knew. Maybe it was the ‘I knew something you didn’t’ feeling, but it was exciting. I knew I was being liked, at least on cyberspace. I could make a move, or I could prompt him to make a move. Either seemed okay. I just wasn’t sure if I was ready for this sort of thing. What if we ended up getting hurt? What if we couldn’t get on? What if he had ulterior motives…?

The more I thought about it, the more cynical I became. Hell, just because someone said Rodolfo was interested didn’t mean that he was. In fact, I shouldn’t just believe what other people tell me. I was smarter than that. I need to find out for myself, and now I just needed a way to do that: a way that wouldn’t expose my own agenda.

Byron: Hey, are you single?

Well, okay, not the most subtle of methods. At least it was to-the-point.

Rodolfo: Why? Lol

He was testing me but I mustn’t let on.

Byron: Dunno. Felt like asking. Second_Chance, Evanesce and Johnny all have their other halves now. What about you?

Rodolfo: Nah, I haven’t found mine yet =]

But then he changed topic.

Rodolfo: Working on any stories lately?

Byron: Nope. But I have an idea for one…

Rodolfo: Tell =]

Byron: It’s about two idiots. They’re attracted to each other, yet they walk past every morning without saying a single word. This went on for three years.

Rodolfo: Then what happened?

Byron: Nothing. Some days they bumped into each other. On other days they ran as soon as the other appeared. The point of the story is that nothing really happened.

Rodolfo: Interesting concept

That would make a terrible story and I thought he would know. It was not a viable project. He didn’t get the hint. Perhaps I should try something more…invitational?

Byron: Mmm, Saturday tomorrow. I have the afternoon free. Any suggestions?

Rodolfo: Swimming? Jogging? Writing that story?

Byron: Nah, I don’t wanna do those.

Rodolfo: Haha. No idea then.

Byron:

No response. It was another minute before he started typing again.

Rodolfo: Wanna meet up? Lol. Kidding haha.

God, how long have I waited for this.

Byron: Damn, thought that was serious

Rodolfo: Hehe, thought it will scare you if this is serious

Byron: Okay. So suppose I say yes…?

Rodolfo: Then you should say no and let me meet my favourite author

Byron: No lol.

Rodolfo: Now I feel sad

Wait… what have I done now? Grrr. He asked me to say no so I said no… I did what he said! This was not supposed to happen.

Rodolfo: Going to bed now. Goodnight and sweet dreams =]

Byron: Hey, but you said I should say no lol.

I hoped he’d get my message before going off. I wasn’t sure what happened but I didn’t want to start this all over again some other day.

Rodolfo: Hehe. Say yes to meet up and no if it will scare you

Then I reread the previous exchange. Yup, it could have been read both ways. Not uncommon on the internet. I sighed with relief that I hadn’t screwed up big time.

Byron: I said yes to meet up hehe.

Rodolfo: Great =] How about Piccadilly Gardens tomorrow?

Byron: Wellington statue, 2pm?

Rodolfo: Okay, see you then! Night!

Rodolfo logged off.

Somehow, I think I just made Rodolfo a really happy guy.