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- 10/14/2013
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An Anniversary Gift - 1. Chapter 1 An Anniversary Gift
Everybody’s “coming out” story is special, at least to them. It is a quintessential part of being gay. Other minorities don’t have to tell their families they are different from society writ large. We do. Because of that, I want to share my “coming out” story from 19 years ago. It goes something like this.
I had known I loved other males since I was a teenager. Perhaps I knew even longer that I was different from others. But I didn’t want to accept it until I fell in love. I accepted falling in love, living with a partner, and being part of the community but I still didn’t tell my family. I didn’t think that mattered. I thought it would only cause heartache to them and pain for me.
I found out I was wrong.
I moved to Florida and the relationship eventually fizzled. I lived in Jacksonville Florida and drifted from job to job. I had no central purpose. I didn’t even like myself much. So when my brother came to visit and asked why I stayed there, I didn’t have an answer. I wanted to go home. So, I packed my things, rode a bus back to Minnesota, and started a fresh new life.
It was great. I got a job I liked. I met wonderful friends. I began trying to reconnect with my family. But, there was a problem. I found myself afraid to talk to my parents about my life. I didn’t want to talk about my female friends because my family thought they were girlfriends. I was afraid to talk about my male friends because I was paranoid I’d say the wrong thing. Instead of getting closer to them, I found myself telling elaborate stories or even simply telling them nothing about me. I was shutting them out and it felt like a cage was closing in on me.
The winter of 1994, I was reading the Armistead Maupin series, ‘Tales of the City.’ It was interesting to read about how things were in San Francisco in the 1970’s but it seemed so far away. At least it did until I read Michael Mouse’s “coming out” letter to his parents in More Tales of the City.
It changed the way I thought about things. Here is the portion that affected me most powerfully.
“Dear Mama,
I'm sorry it's taken me so long to write. Every time I try to write to you and Papa I realize I'm not saying the things that are in my heart. That would be O.K., if I loved you any less than I do, but you are still my parents and I am still your child.
I have friends who think I'm foolish to write this letter. I hope they're wrong. I hope their doubts are based on parents who loved and trusted them less than mine do. I hope especially that you'll see this as an act of love on my part, a sign of my continuing need to share my life with you.”
The words Maupin put on the page were the sentiments I was feeling. I had returned to Minnesota to become closer with the family I love. Instead we were growing apart. The constant censoring and editing I felt I had to do with my life was squeezing them out. I couldn’t let that control me any longer.
So, I wrote my parents a letter. I used my own words but I explained to them I believed in their love and trusted them with my heart. I told them I wanted us to have an open, honest relationship and that could only happen if they knew I was gay. I couldn’t hide that part any longer.
I wrote the letter up, put it in an envelope and sent it. I had a heavy heart over the next couple of days. I thought for sure my conservative, religious parents would reject me. This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have done it.
I looked at the calendar and saw a notation. I’d mailed that letter a day before my parents’ thirty year wedding anniversary. I couldn’t believe my thoughtlessness. I felt even worse than before.
I received a phone call the next day. My dad called and said that he and mom wanted to come up and talk to me. That made me feel a little better but I was still petrified. What would they say? Would they ask me to hide it? Could they really accept me as I am?
When the day came, it went better than I’d hoped for. Obviously my dad had done some research. He even knew that “gay” was an acronym for “green and yellow” from the days of Oscar Wilde. They asked me questions about it. They had been worried I was a drug addict or something far more tragic. In the end, they love me and want the best for me.
I have since realized that I did give them a gift that year. I gave them the gift of my “coming out” and my honesty with them. I’m not sure they would characterize it as that, but my relationship with my family has only gotten closer. I’m able to talk to them about things I was otherwise afraid to. I met my partner Randy and they accepted him and love him more and more as the years pass. Sometimes “coming out” can be the best gift you can give to a loved one. At least, that’s how it worked for me.
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Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
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