Ray of Hope - 2. Chapter 2

I could feel the shared hopes in the room like a presence, I could almost see the dreams, smell the fantasies and touch the expectations around me. I almost felt afraid. There were so many people here, could one of them be better than I thought I was?

There were the expected oddities; people who can't sing but have enough personality to get a number. There were the extremely hot chicks who'll both blow the judges out of the water with their voices, and the ones that will be told they have no talent, and the guys with guitars and harmonicas, etc etc. Everyone was rehearsing, lips never stopped moving, crumpled sheets of paper were clutched in everyone's hands, some warmed up their vocal chords with exercises they'd picked up from some voice coach somewhere, and earphones hung from 99.9% of the contestants' ears.

I sat in a corner by myself, the grey v-neck shirt I'd worn seemed to only get tighter and my jeans had gone from straight to skinny at some point. I fussed with my hair and chewed mints to freshen my breath, I drank tea and mentally followed along to my audition song which had been the only thing I'd been listening to or singing since yesterday evening, I was already tired of the score, the melody was grating and the lyrics had become utterly boring, but I knew every rise and fall, the very length of every note, and had picked up on every background cue and whisper, I could sing this song in exact tempo without missing so much as the chime of the triangle in the third verse. I was ready.

"Nervous?" The voice was so quickly recognizable that my heart came to a small stop. I looked up and there he was, in all his coifed perfection: Seacrest.

"Umm yea a bit. Wow I can't believe I'm talking to you!!"

"According to that number on your chest, you're next. I heard a bit about your story, the producers would like to do a video montage which will air during your audition once the show hits the network, would that be okay?"

"Yes of course."

I thought about Dr. Loren, about being her patient zero, and I realized one very true and simple fact: I didn't care one bit. I spoke truthfully to Ryan, letting him know the truth behind what others would call my tragic childhood, and my "disturbing" upbringing, leaving out names and places to protect the identities of those involved. He listened and took notes, then my number was called and my brief time with him was over.

"Best of luck Ray."

"Thank you Mr. Seacrest, it was a truly a pleasure talking to you."

"You too Ray."

I got up and headed to the door, stowing my iPod in my bag, and taking deep calming breaths as I went over my song once more in my head. This was it, the beginning of my life was right at this moment, all I had to do was make sure I didn't fuck up.

I walked into the audition room and my heart fell 5 stories, these were not the judges I was expecting. There was no Mariah, no Nicky. There sitting in the judges chairs were Liam Payne, from One Direction, Kelly Clarkson, and Carrie Underwood and last but not least Josh Groban.

I stepped up to the star on the floor, and after some witty banter I was given the go-ahead.

"I'll be singing 'Journey to the Past' from Anastasia as popularized by Aaliyah"

I took a deep breath, focused on myself and let the sound exit my mouth. I could feel the crisp, clear way each note sounded, I could hear the almost infallible tone of my voice, and I could hear the little bit of sharpness which suddenly left my mouth on a high note. The rest of the song was almost perfect, and when I finished the judges were clapping and giving me a standing ovation.

"Well Ray, I've to say that was astounding, a bit sharp yeah? Right 'round the middle, but wow, you've got a truly amazing voice!" Liam Payne was praising my voice, if only he knew the things I was thinking while his plump lips spoke. I thanked him for his praise as Kelly began to speak.

"Woah!!! You have an amazing range!! You definitely blew me outta the water, just completely surprising to hear that voice come out of someone, and my husband is gonna kill me for this, as attractive as you are, I mean you have something truly great going here."

"Ray, Ray, Ray, what can I add? I mean Kelly and Liam have said it all!! You have the ability to sing whatever you please genre wise, that's something that will come in handy in this competition."

"Carrie's absolutely right, your voice won't be out of place in any genre, which kind of worries me (Josh laughed and hearing him laugh was magic to me) but yes, great job on that."

I thanked them all, my hands were shaking and my mouth was dry. Kelly and Carrie, my favorite Idols had just praised me and Josh Groban and Liam Payne were in the same room, I was ready to die a happy, happy man.

"So I know I'm not first but I'm saying yes, Kelly?"

"Pfft duh!! Yes!! Yes!! Yes!! Carrie?"

"Yes. Definitely, irrefutably yes. C'mon Josh I'm sure he won't steal your career!!"

"Yes, of course!! Congratulations Ray, you're off to Hollywood!!"

I fell to my knees and let out a scream I didn't know I was capable of, my whole body felt renewed. I was out of here, I was on my way, I was ready to move on with my life, and tomorrow I would turn 18.

The ride on the bus home was surreal. All these people were just going on about their day like nothing exceptional had just happened, they were commuting home, tired from a long day's work. They were headed to the warmth of loved ones, to home cooked meals, to kisses and hugs, to love; I on the other hand was headed home to pack, to say my goodbyes, inform my case worker, and share my news with Ryan.

I looked out the window and stared at the buildings rushing by, perhaps for the last time. I wanted so badly to be somewhere other than here, to find some calm place where I could lay myself down and look for the peace that was always within my grasp but never actually mine. I needed to find myself, I needed to process and deal with my past so I could move forward.

The Collins were getting ready to leave as I walked in. I could tell by Camilla's attire that she and Andrew were headed somewhere upscale. I smiled politely and nodded as I went past them.

"Hey Ray!! Would you like to come with us? We're going to go listen to the New York Philharmonic Orchestra, they're playing Beethoven's 7th and 9th!!"

Andrew's smile was so genuine, and Camilla's voice was so full of hope. I wondered for a second if they would let me stay with them if things didn't work out, but I knew better than to get my hopes up. I smiled at both of them and nodded in agreement, not trusting my voice. Andrew motioned for the house and I ran inside to get ready.

I jumped in the shower and picked out my dress slacks and a blue button down. I got my shoes on and ran downstairs, Andrew and Camilla were having drinks on the sofa, Mozart's "Madame Butterfly" was playing softly in the background. I realized that they'd never heard me sing, I had never even mentioned to them how much I loved music, but still they'd invited me along. Hopes began to rise, unbidden.

"I'm ready."

"Great! Lets all be on our way then?"

I waited for Camilla to get her wrap and bag and Andrew to put his jacket back on, next to them I was utterly under dressed, but I was 17, I could still get away with it.

The seats they'd gotten were amazing, right down the center, where the acoustics of the concert hall would settle last, giving each note that perfect ring.

"Andrew, thanks, in case I forget to say so later, this is awesome"

He patted my shoulder and smiled, Camilla was seated between us.

The orchestra began to play and instantly the hall was silent. I could feel the melody make its way through me, filling me with that joy which only music could bring me. There were tears rising along with the music, I knew I wouldn't be able to hide them, after all Beethoven was the greatest composer to ever set foot on this planet, his symphonies were beyond just music, they were beauty expressed.

As the 7th came to its close, my breath caught, the orchestra looked ethereal surrounded by the sound, and suddenly the last note rang, the lights flickered then came on, and applause roared throughout the theater, it had been an exquisite performance, and the crowd rose to its feet, thanking the orchestra for their work.

We all filed out for intermission, I tried to wipe my eyes before the Collins could see my tear-stained face.

"Ray, you were really caught up in it weren't you?"

"I'm sorry Camilla?"

"The music really took you, you didn't even notice you were on the edge of your seat, at one point you held my hand, you were really enjoying yourself."

"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, music is just...I don't know, it's always touched a very deep part of me."

"You didn't make me uncomfortable, it's nice to see the tough guy act dropped. You're so much more than you think of yourself, I just wish you could see it."

She stroked my cheek, there was a sense of familiarity there which I had never felt before. I liked her, she had been a nice person since the first day.

"Thank you, that means a lot."

We smiled and returned to our drinks, hers was a bubbly champagne and mine a cola with lime. Andrew had stepped outside for a cigarette, and I could tell this was Camilla's pet peeve.

"You really hate that he smokes don't you?"

"I could kill him, but he smoked when I met him, hell I smoked when I met him, he was like James Dean back then, all rough edges and danger, but with this heart that just wanted everyone to fit inside it. He's always been the caring one, if only he cared about himself enough to quit..."

She looked towards the door, clearly searching for him; I grabbed hold of we hand.

"Give him a choice, one he won't refuse. He loves you, that much is crystal clear just from looking at the two of you, you're both very in love, use it to help him."

Andrew walked in and Camilla got up, she absent-mindedly patted the back of my hand and made her way toward Andrew, she was clearly miffed and I hoped this wouldn't become some big thing that could only be blamed on me.

I took a sip of my cola and looked around me. The society was out tonight, all glittering necks and wrists, tuxedos and suits, dresses and gowns, and then there was me. I should be nowhere near this theater, but it was nice. I was thankful, content.

"Ray..." Andrew's voice startled me out of my reverie.

"Yes sir?"

"Thank you." He extended his hand and I shook it, grateful that things had not fallen apart. "I want to speak with you when we get home, if that's alright?"

He would be asking me to leave, I was sure of it. But at least I'd gotten to hear an amazing set of musicians perform two of the greatest musical pieces ever written, I nodded my assent and Camilla joined us, all smiles and giggles.

The lights flashed, signaling us to find our seats and await the second part of the concert, the 9th. My favorite.