Dan's Conundrum - 22. Chapter 22

Couldn’t wait to see David at lunch! It was like meeting him for the first time again, with that same magic in the air, feeling that everything was going to be good. Since break I found myself imagining what he would say to me next with that dreamy voice. I wanted the lesson to end so I could rush outside and be with him. Just thinking about him sent my blood racing. I want him now – I want him to hold me, stare into my eyes and tell me how special I am. I want him to keep me safe. Nothing would make me feel safer than to be loved by him.

Wait – what am I saying?

Wow. I sounded like a babbling little kid. Still going on about what happened at break. Hopeless. I was reliving those ten minutes in the room and recalling intimately the taste of him when I should be evaluating what had happened. But I felt no shame. I didn’t need to understand what I did in that room. It was a thrill, actually, to lose all self-consciousness and reasoning, and allow natural instincts (or some unspeakable desires) to take control. Moreover, I hadn’t exactly hurt anyone. Nobody else was in the room; nobody was deeply traumatised by the event – maybe except God. But that wasn’t possible because if God was traumatised by that He’d have died of a heart attack a long time ago. Guys had been kissing guys for thousands of years and will continue to until the end of time.

As much as I was in love, dreaming and drooling in the lesson, I also had no idea where David and I would go from here, or what it even meant. What if it were just a random kiss? Like something a friend would do for another, if only to make up for what he’d done. Now that’s a scary thought. It might be a one-off and he would have forgotten everything by lunchtime. He would be his same old self while that memory would torment me for years to come. He was just being kind. Or worse, he was just experimenting on you, really. Nothing seemed to suggest he wanted more from me. There was no concrete evidence of any sort. Come on, Dan. He didn’t really have feelings for you. This isn’t real…

When I charged out onto the fields at lunch I went straight to our usual place on the far side behind the tennis court. No one was there. The tree stood alone and the breeze rustled its leaves, taking with it the leaves of old. Now I was staring at the tree like an idiot. I closed my eyes, wishing it were all true –

From behind, two arms snaked their way sensuously around my waist, pulling me closer, holding me tight. There was the familiar presence, the familiar scent.

‘Do you know how much I’ve wanted to do this all morning?’ he cooed, his chin resting on my shoulder.

My heart skipped a beat at the next thing I did.

‘And do you know how much I wanted to do this?’ I turned to find his angelic smile meant only for me, our eyes connecting once more. All doubts and fears melted in his gaze. Without warning I kissed him lightly on the lips.

He looked surprised. Licking his lips, he said, ‘What was that? Do that again.’

I let him take the lead, given my near zero kissing experience. Near zero aside from that one time with Chris – let’s not go there. But this time we kissed with no sense of urgency. He had a gentle touch yet full of command, like he knew exactly what he wanted and all I had to do was follow. Before I knew it he slowed lovingly and neither of us was allowed to breathe. At first it felt like a breath-holding contest (which he would win) but this must be known to everyone else as ‘making out’. Still, as it went on I was amazed by his skill. He was subtle enough not to make me feel controlled and overwhelmed but firm at the same time, encouraging me, urging me to be freed and to want more of him.

‘Hey guys,’ came Chris’s voice. ‘Another practice session?’

I was thrown back into the real world, self-conscious once more. Did we just make out in front of somebody else? Why did I allow myself to do such a thing?

We pulled apart. I looked at Chris as though caught with my hand in the cookie jar.

‘You’re supposed to wipe your lips, Dan,’ Chris reminded, throwing a glance at David.

‘Don’t you dare!’ David warned, offended by the suggestion. He was horrified when I raised my hand and he watched me in shock. He was so adorable. At the last moment I smirked and let my hand drop.

‘Nah, I’ll never wipe that off. Never.’

‘Oooh!’ Chris made a noise of recognition, looking between David and me. God knew what he was thinking. Why was he looking at David? I turned to David and found him staring at me.

‘And what are you looking at, mister?’ I asked.

‘Someone I thought I’d never meet.’

Lines, from one of my stories. Which one was it? I smiled and shook my head. He used one of my own lines on me! Chris would not have missed that, and perhaps seeing something brewing between us, he asked,

‘Was I interrupting something?’

‘Nope. It’s okay.’ David shrugged, looking for my approval. I however, chose to remain silent.

‘It’s no biggie,’ Chris raised a hand and said. ‘I’ll leave you guys to it then. I’ll see you later, cool?’

He left, despite how much David told him we wanted his company.

‘What’s up with him?’ I heard David asking.

‘I don’t know,’ I said.

I thought for a moment.

We were silent for a while, watching Chris as he hurried himself out of sight.

‘Hey.’ I felt David taking hold of my hand, pulling me towards him. He said, smiling, ‘Now what should I do with you…’

I grinned. God, I love this boy.

* * * * *

There were things I thought my shy and calculated self would never do. Kissing was one thing, but as the days went by I started doing things without thinking so much. Life was suddenly so much more fun. When David asked me to be his boyfriend that week, I pounced on him. The proper kind of pouncing you know? Not just the rugby-tackle-onto-ground-and-pile-on-in-a-frenzy type, but I did it with lots of love. He was so unguarded and surprised to find himself pinned down on grass in seconds.

‘Geez, Dan,’ he giggled. ‘Is that a yes?’

Mesmerised by his adorable blue eyes looking up at me, I could hardly respond. I felt my breath taken away by his beautiful face, his hair still so perfect. But all this charm he was giving off was part of his plan to lower my defences. Before I knew it he unbalanced me, rolled me over and it was my turn to be pinned down. He licked his lips as a delicious idea of revenge must have crossed his mind.

‘It’s a yes.’ I grinned.

He let himself drop. For a moment I thought I’d be crushed to human paste but somehow, I survived. His entire bodyweight now rested on me. I was even beginning to enjoy this feeling of how close his body was to mine. It made me feel giggly. I closed my eyes and I could almost feel his heart beating against mine. I felt his minty breath on my face and his lips brushing against mine. We never made out in this position before, one crushing the other, but I kind of liked it. Maybe we should do this all the time. And then maybe try the Spiderman position. Putting an arm around his neck, drawing him even closer, I barely noticed a figure approaching purposefully.

‘You two seriously need to get a room,’ Chris said.

We broke away, startled and embarrassed. We stood up hastily, patting the grass and dirt from our clothes. The scent of a kiss still lingered in the air. I turned and found David blushing heavily. Chris was right – there was nothing on my mind now except to pounce on my boyfriend again, this time making sure that he stayed down.

‘It wasn’t much,’ David said, grinning.

‘Well, he started it,’ I protested, pointing a finger at David. ‘He couldn’t control himself. You know me…’

David stared back. ‘No, you started it, Dan. Don’t lie.’

‘Chris I swear – he’s a brute. Trust me, he totally forced himself on me.’

David smirked. ‘Didn’t hear you complaining before.’

‘Whatever,’ Chris sighed, shaking his head. That wasn’t like him. Maybe he wasn’t in the mood today. He was cold and distant. Whatever was affecting him, it was recent.

I asked Chris, ‘Is something wrong?’

‘Not really,’ he replied, trying to close the subject. I knew this trick all too well. After all, I used it all the time. I looked at David, who stared back at me.

‘Something’s upsetting you. Or someone,’ I went on. ‘I can tell.’

‘Can you?’ he retorted.

‘You have that same look when I ‘outed’ you in P.E. way back in the first week.’

He seemed slightly surprised that I recalled the event. ‘And why do you care?’

‘Because that’s what friends are for, right? You’ve given me so much and I’ve never done much in return. It’s my turn to do something.’

He was quiet for a while. ‘You don’t have to. I didn’t ask for anything.’

‘How else do I show that I care? Talk to me, please?’

Chris sighed. ‘Still so stubborn. Fine, I can tell you.’ Then to David, ‘But I can’t tell you.’

David frowned. ‘Seriously?’

‘Yeah,’ he insisted. Then to me, ‘And you can’t tell him either.’

‘Fine, I promise.’ I shrugged, wondering if that was the only way he could feel safe talking about his problem.

‘Alright, I’ll be back in ten,’ David said. I was tempted to sneak in a kiss there on his cheek, but he left before I could make a move so down went that idea.

Once David was out of earshot, Chris invited me to sit with him. It was almost like an interview, but I was good with that kind of thing. He asked, ‘Are you two going out?’

‘Yes.’ Couldn’t resist the blush.

He nodded understandingly. ‘Good for you.’

That was the first time he’d acknowledged our relationship in a positive light. But that hardness in his tone did not go away.

‘How did you go from mortal enemies, to being so loved up all of a sudden? What happened?’

‘Not sure myself. Probably a misunderstanding.’

He shook his head. ‘What kind of a misunderstanding?’

What kind? Was it because he needed time, or was it because he didn’t like me in the first place? What were David’s motivation to do everything he did? Why did he leave…

‘Well… You know, honestly I have no idea.’

He turned away. He’d discovered that I didn’t know much about my own situation either. He stared into space, before asking,

‘Is he a bi, or is he a confused straight guy wanting to experiment?’

‘I…haven’t asked.’

‘Ah.’

I paused. He had a point. I didn’t really know the answer. I was too busy in love to evaluate and ask those questions, fearing I would lose him if I poked too deeply into what really was his own business. Yet it was in my interest to know these answers, and sometimes, knowing that he loved me just wasn’t enough.

I prompted, ‘But that’s not what’s bothering you, is it?’

He regarded me as though in search for the right words. ‘I’m so sorry, Dan.’

‘What? Why?’

Please don’t tell me you slept with him.

‘I…I don’t think I can be happy for you.’ He looked away. ‘I feel I should, but…I guess…’ He smiled bitterly at a thought. ‘Maybe I’m a jealous bastard. Yes I know, the fabled green-eyed monster.’

‘That’s it?’ I asked. ‘You’re jealous of me?’

‘I never thought I could like him so much, Dan. Ever since I met him I thought maybe he could be more than just a friend, you know? I know you’ll be happy for me if it were the other way round, but I can’t for you.’

‘Actually,’ I said, ‘if it were the other way round. I don’t think I would. If he were holding your hand instead of mine, my heart would break and I’d go somewhere and cry, sulking for hours on end. You’re braver than I am.’

‘Dan, I have been doing that for days now…’

‘Aww.’ I wrapped my arms around him. He didn’t resist. Trying to comfort him, I said, ‘But you’ve had your share of experiences with other guys too, right? You have memories to look back to and cherish when I have none. It’s my first time, you know? And you’ve even done the dirties. I haven’t done anything so don’t you be jealous about me.’

He winced as though something bit his stomach and he wanted to throw up. I realised perhaps it wasn’t so comforting after all.

He told me, after regaining some composure, ‘He’s a friend that saw me going through some tough times. He was straight but…it didn’t stop him from trying to make me happy. Part of me loved him still. And the other “experiences” were just straight guys looking for experiments. It’s not glorious, Dan.’

‘I’m so sorry.’

He sighed, once more looking down. Before long he turned back to me again, smiling sadly. ‘Enjoy it while you can. Nothing lasts forever. Just know that.’

Enjoy it while I can, because someone couldn’t wait for this relationship to be over. He was waiting his turn, which, when I came to think of it, he was not all that different from me when David went out with Jenna. I too were disappointed, I too had waited like a green-eyed monster. It was the best thing he could have said, but not true, I thought. Stories last and endure. The dreams, the ideals, the people and the events, once written down on paper would never change – not unless the author changed them. In a story, one wouldn’t take turns in romance if longevity was the goal. I still owed him a ton as a friend, and it was sadly something Chris would never know.