Ray of Hope - 6. Chapter 6

Frank often said this to me. He tried to instill in me, I think, a sense of
righteousness. He wanted me to eventually be a better man than some of the men
I'd met. Lacking, as I did then, a grandfather figure, Frank had taken it upon
himself to give me advice on how to be a better human.

Strength however, is not always measured in actions. Sometimes its the things we
do not do which so often truly measure our strengths. Frank learned this when he
neglected to tell anyone around him about the chest pains he'd been having,
about the bouts of dizziness which had been plaguing him for over a month. He
hid it from Brenda, from his staff, from his friends, and from his doctor.

"He's had a small attack of angina, we're keeping him here for three days, we
want to monitor his vitals, and we'd like to ascertain if any damage was done to
any of his internal organs, and we'd like to also monitor his concussion."

The doctor had been adamant in assuring Brenda her husband was fine, but Brenda
had not been so easily appeased. She'd argued, pleaded, cried, and even tried
to bribe her way in to see her husband; however the doctor was firm that he was
to rest for at least 2 hour before visitors were allowed in.

"Brenda let's get a bite and then we'll come back okay? He needs his rest right
now honey."

Cam placed her arm around Brenda's shoulder and slowly steered her away from
Frank's room. I followed behind them, my mind not truly resting on any one
subject for any substantial amount of time, until Hollywood popped up.

Technically I hadn't yet told Cam and Andrew that I'd be leaving in a week for
another state, for an undetermined amount of time. I looked ahead and I could
see Cam and Brenda whispering with each other, Cam clearly trying to talk Brenda
down. I hadn't meant to omit the trip, but at the time things had been very
different, and it simply hadn't come up.

I took my phone out and cleared my throat, Cam looked back and I pointed at my
phone, she nodded and kept moving with Brenda.

"Hey, how's everything?"
"Ry, I need your advice."
"Huh?"
"I need you to help me!"
"Straaange...what can I do you for?"
"I am now technically part of the Collins family and I haven't gotten around to
tell Andrew and Cam that I'm leaving for Hollywood come Sunday evening...how do
I break the news?"

There was dead silence on the line, just empty space. I pulled my phone away and
checked the connection, I had three bars and the little clock was ticking away
the seconds, but still I could hear nothing.

"Ry? You there? Ryan? Hello?"
"You got adopted at 18?!?!?!?!?!?"

The shrill scream that erupted from the speaker made me almost drop my phone. I
pulled the set away and tried to get Ryan to stop spouting a million words a
second, but no matter how hard I tried I simply couldn't get him to stop.

About a minute in he finally quieted down, his breath was hitched and his voice
trembled. Somewhere in Tulsa my best friend was crying. I felt the hot liquid
rush up, I felt the knot catch in my throat and I cleared it, trying hard to
blink away the unbidden tears. Crying was for the weak and the mournful, it
wasn't for people like me.

"Ry, stop it. Take a breath, compose yourself and call me right back. I need
your input on this."

I clicked off the call and took a deep breath, Ryan could always bring out parts
of me that I kept hidden deep beneath my facade. I turned for the cafeteria and
lowered the mask of calmness over my face. Cam may be my "mom" now but I
wouldn't let her see me damaged, I wouldn't let anyone see that. Ever.

I stopped as a gurney rushed into the ER door, I could almost make out the face,
but it was blurred by the speed and blocked by the paramedics and doctors
surrounding the gurney. I double checked that no else was rushing through and
kept walking.

There was something so sterile and unpleasant about hospital cafeterias, they
never truly made me feel like it was okay to eat there, it felt like they wanted
you to be there long enough to order, but not to eat.

"Cam, could I speak to--"

My phone began to blast out "Cherry Bomb" and I excused myself.

"Ry! Are you all calm now?"
"Yes. Congratulations. Tell then straight. They'll support you, I'm sure.
Kisses." The line went dead.

I looked at my phone and sighed, he hadn't actually calmed down yet, but he'd
managed enough sanity to let me know what he thought I should do. That was Ryan,
my friend.

"Hey Cam, can I steal you for a sec?"

She looked at Brenda, the blonde looked up and smiled, she waved Cam away and I
dialed out Andrew's number. I waited for Cam and she scrunched her nose at me in
a "who's that?" manner, I mouthed Andrew and her face became instantly puzzled.
Andrew picked up and I put him on speaker.

"Okay. I have something to say that fell through the cracks yesterday. I don't
remember if I've told you guys or not but I auditioned for American Idol. I got
a gold pass, I'm going to Hollywood next week, and I'd like to say I'm not
coming back until I win, that's the plan."

Cam hugged me, and I could hear Andrew laughing in the background. I smiled and
hugged Cam back, an awkward hug from a young man who'd received few in his life,
and found them somewhat strange.

"We'll book our tickets, I have enough autonomy that I can work from a laptop.
I'm excited to see you perform!!"

"I have everything under control at work, and my boss owes me a couple of
favors, we'll be there Ray!"

I smiled and thanked them, blushing at having not just one but both of them so
thoroughly support a dream that meant so much to me. I had never been privy to
what it felt like, being supported and cared for, only Ryan had ever been there
for me and he's been enough, but now I had a family and it was feeling pretty
awesome.

Cam hugged me once more and signaled to Brenda, I nodded and she walked away. I
took Andrew off speaker and brought the set to my ear.

"Andrew, are you sure there's no problem with you guys just taking off? With the
baby coming and all I mean"

"Don't you worry about that, just pick the right songs, sing well, and keep
yourself in the competition, we'll worry about the rest okay bud?"

"Thank you. For everything. It all means a lot, it really does."

"That's what families are for Ray, we support and help each other. Speaking of,
how's Frank?"

I updated him on Frank's current state and we spoke about inane things for a
minute, I could still hear the thunder booming outside, but in the fluorescent
lights of the hospital hallways, the brilliant flashes of lightning were lost.
Andrew needed to get started on something and we ended the call, I'd walked
myself back to Frank's room, the drawn curtain over the window made me feel like
I felt when I was a kid, afraid of hospitals.

I sat in the small waiting room and shot Cam a text, letting her know where I
was, and asking her for coffee. I didn't want to go back to the cafeteria, but
the chill of the AC was beginning to seep through my hoodie.

The world seemed askew. Things were happening around me but I seemed to not be
able to comprehend or affect them. I felt like a tiny boat in a violent ocean,
being tossed around, helpless.

I heard Cam's voice and looked up, only then did I realize I'd been asleep.

"Ray; Brenda's with Frank now, he's awake, alert, and complaining. He wants to
see you."

I nodded my assent and tried getting up from the chair but my body was not
responding to my brain. I yawned and stretched to awaken myself. I got up from
the chair and realized how tired I was, it had been a long day.

When I walked into Frank's room his honey eyes met my ice blue ones. He smiled,
and I tried to but I still wasn't fully awake.

"Girls, could I have a minute with lil' Ray please?"

Brenda smiled and pat his hand. She looked so tired, but at the same time there
was an undeniable strength shining through. She was a force of nature, but right
now she looked like she'd fought a hard battle and needed some rest. She got up
and kissed my cheek.

"I don't think I've said thank you yet. But know that I am eternally grateful to
you lil' Ray, you're an angel in my eyes."

I squeezed her hand and she left the room with Cam. I was starting to feel like
I would break. Had I somehow managed to ignore all these people who seemed so
attached to me? Had I really overlooked their care and concern without a
thought? Had my facade of independence and detachment become more than just a
mask?

I had striven so hard to keep my emotions under control, to protect myself from
the hurt and pain that so often came when I cared for someone. Perhaps I had
done too good a job at shutting things and people out. Perhaps I had closed
myself up so far inside me that i could no longer recognize others' concern.

"Andrew gave me something for you. It's in my jacket's inside pocket. Get it."

I went over to his jacket and pulled the small object from the inside pocket. It
was cold and heavy in my hand, not because it weighed a lot, but because it was
something with meaning.

Glinting under the fluorescent lights of the hospital room, in a silver frame,
three smiling faces glared at me, all dressed up. Camilla looked like a model,
Andrew looked like he'd been ripped from an Armani add, I looked like a kid
playing dress up. The smiles were so genuine, so warm. The top of the frame had
the words /Our Family/ etched across it in spiraling writing dusted in a darker
shade of silver.

I looked up and Frank smiled.

"You've found your home lil' Ray. Can you see that?"

I nodded. I suddenly understood exactly what family meant.