Oh My! - 1. Chapter 1

This all started when I was pledging one of the more popular fraternities, Phi Alpha Gamma. My name is Donovan Estes and I'd decided to do this because I wanted to take part in the total college experience. The pledge period culminated with what they called Greek Week. It was a period during which a bunch of different activities were held and all of the sororities and fraternities were expected to participate. Along with various social functions, it also included both the Greek Olympics and Greek Talent Show.

"Estes, I'm signing you up for the talent show," the frat's pledge master announced. He'd obviously noted my athletic prowess and realized I didn't possess any.

"Who am I doing it with?" I asked, since I wanted to know who I was being paired with.

"No one," he responded. "The guys in the band will perform too, since each Greek chapter can enter two acts, but you'll be on your own. We need everyone else for the other activities or they're involved in setting up one of the other functions held during the week."

Damn! I certainly didn't want to hear that. Besides being athletically inept, I didn't have any other talent that would be appropriate for the talent show either. I couldn't sing very well, at least not good enough to perform in front of others, and I'd never learned to play a musical instrument. I wasn't good at telling jokes either and didn't know any magic tricks. What the hell was I going to do for this?

I was in a panic, because I had no idea how I was going to pull off something the others would find acceptable. My success, or lack thereof, might also determine if I was accepted into the fraternity. All of the Greek chapters were competing against one another in the various events being held, so I wanted to do well. Concerned, I began researching on the internet, to see if I could find something I might be able to do. I only had a couple of weeks to pull an act together and then practice, so I wouldn't make a complete fool of myself.

This was probably the scariest thing I'd ever been asked to pull off, for several reasons. First, I didn't like the idea of performing in front of others, especially a large crowd, and this was going to take place in front of nearly everyone on campus. On top of that, I also had the reputation and honor of the fraternity to uphold. If I did poorly, it would reflect not only on me, but it would cast an embarrassing shadow over Phi Alpha Gamma as well. Finally, I didn't want to create a whole new list of enemies, meaning my potential fraternity brothers, because I'd screwed up.

I quickly decided I'd probably only be able to pull this off as a humorous performance, because I lacked any real talent. If I disguised what I was doing in a fun manner, then I might be able to get away with it, but what, exactly, was I going to do? Not only that, but why didn't they give me someone to work with who might have had some talent, instead of sticking me with this task alone?

Near the end of the first week, I came across an idea that might just work. It was a song, but I could do it Johnny Cash style. This means I would do it the same way Richard Harris pulled off the songs he sang in 'Camelot' or Rex Harrison did in 'My Fair Lady' where they talked more than sang. I would do it acapella, in sort of a talking, sing-song fashion and maybe even add a couple lyrics of my own, to tie it in with the Greek theme. I had fairly good writing skills and could definitely rhyme, so why not give it a try?

I worked on it every chance I got, because I didn't want to look like a fool or have the guys in the fraternity out for my blood. Once I had the general idea written down, I spent many hours practicing, until I felt I was ready. I did this totally alone, of course, because I didn't want anyone to see what I was up to until it was time to pull it off.

"Estes, have you come up with something and are you ready for the talent show?" my pledge master asked many times during the final few days before the talent show.

"I've got it all planned out and I'm ready to go," I assured him, as confidently as I could.

"What are you going to do?" he pressed, while looking at me suspiciously.

"I want it to be a surprise," I responded, since I was afraid he'd tell me it wasn't good enough and demand I start over. "You'll see it when everyone else does."

"You'd better not screw this up if you want to live," he warned, as he released an evil laugh and walked away.

The big night was Friday and it was the last activity before the Olympics on Saturday. This event was being held at the field house where many of the sporting events were held, so there would be plenty of room for everyone. There was a temporary stage set up at one end, with curtains fanning out on both sides to conceal those waiting to perform from the general audience.

As each act arrived, they were asked to pull a number out of a box, to determine the order we'd go on. Wouldn't you know it, I selected the highest number, so I'd be going last. Damn! Well at least this way I'd be able to take off quickly and disappear, if it didn't go well. I'd also know exactly what I was up against before I went on, since I would have seen everyone else perform by that point.

Some of the other acts were quite good, but there were a few that I hoped would be judged worse than what I was going to do. There were groups that sung popular songs, while others played in a band or performed instrumental solos. A couple of the sororities did a dance routine, while other groups put on a skit instead. I hadn't thought about doing anything like that, but it would have been hard to pull off a one-man skit. Three others told jokes, while one guy did a magic act. Finally, the last of the acts in front of me finished and it was my turn to go out on stage.

Hesitantly, I emerged from behind the curtain, where I had been waiting in the wings. Once I was out in the open, I noticed there was a huge crowd. I was actually trembling when I reached the microphone, but fortunately the spot lights were so bright that it blurred my vision and kept me from seeing most of those in the audience. Nervously, I cleared my throat and began to speak.

"I have a little song to perform and I hope you like it. The person who wrote and originally sang it was Chuck Berry, but I know I won't do it as well as he did. I only pray you will enjoy my version just the same."

After swallowing hard a few times and licking my lips, I began my routine.

'When I was a little bitty boy
My grandmother bought me a cute little toy
Silver bells hanging on a string
She said it was my ding-a-ling-a-ling'

There was some giggling and tittering from the audience and I suddenly began to feel better about what I was doing. They seemed to find it amusing, so I might be able to pull this off yet.

"And now the chorus. Everyone join in," I announced.

'Oh my ding-a-ling, my ding-a-ling
She said it was my ding-a-ling-a-ling'
Oh my ding-a-ling, my ding-a-ling
She said it was my ding-a-ling-a-ling'

I actually heard a few other voices join in singing, once they got the gist of what I was doing. This helped to encourage me even more, so I continued.

'When I started Grammar School
I used to stop off in the vestibule
Every time that bell would ring
I'd take out my ding-a-ling-a-ling

"Pay attention now," I added, to let them know something was going to be different.

Oh my ding-a-ling, my ding-a-ling
I'd take out my ding-a-ling-a-ling
Oh my ding-a-ling, my ding-a-ling
I'd take out my ding-a-ling-a-ling

This time I heard a few more voices join in.

"Now you're all supposed to be singing the chorus with me, so I hope you caught the little change I made to it that time. Each time the second and fourth lines of the chorus will change slightly, but they will be the same as the last line of the previous verse, so pay attention."

After saying this, there were more shouts of support and confirmation that they would do as I asked. This was working out fantastically.

'I remember the girl next door
We used to play house on the kitchen floor
I'd be king and she'd be queen
Together we'd play with my ding-a-ling.'

"Oh I think I forgot to tell you that it doesn't work unless you give it a little jerk, especially when sharing it with a friend." I added, to more laughter and shouts of encouragement, which showed the audience agreed with my assessment. This was amazing! "Can't get much enjoyment from it, if you don't give it a little jerk every now and then," I added, confidently to more laughter.

'Oh my ding-a-ling, my ding-a-ling
Together we'd play with my ding-a-ling.'
Oh my ding-a-ling, my ding-a-ling
Together we'd play with my ding-a-ling.'

This time there were whoops, whistles and cat-calls from the audience. They were really getting into this.

'Once while climbing the garden wall,
Slipped and fell had a very bad fall
I fell so hard I heard bells ring
Still I held on to my ding-a-ling-a-ling

Oh my ding-a-ling, my ding-a-ling
Still I held on to my ding-a-ling-a-ling
Oh my ding-a-ling, my ding-a-ling
Still I held on to my ding-a-ling-a-ling

I think nearly everyone joined in the chorus that time and I was really feeling good about doing this.

Once while swimming cross turtle creek
Man them snappers right at my feet
Sure was hard swimming cross that thing
With both hands protecting my ding-a-ling'

'Oh my ding-a-ling, my ding-a-ling
With both hands protecting my ding-a-ling'
Oh my ding-a-ling, my ding-a-ling
With both hands protecting my ding-a-ling'

More cat-calls, whistles and laughter followed, as I headed toward the finale.

'Pledging for a frat ain't so bad
It's much more fun than I've ever had
I was just told I should do one thing
That was to play with my ding-a-ling-a-ling

Oh my ding-a-ling, my ding-a-ling
That was to play with my ding-a-ling-a-ling
Oh my ding-a-ling, my ding-a-ling
That was to play with my ding-a-ling-a-ling

That verse got so much laughter and cheers that I decided to add one more verse before I finished.

'I'd asked you all to sing this song
But very few are singing along
It's a chain reaction sort of thing
Y'all are playing with your own ding-a-ling

Oh your ding-a-ling, your ding-a-ling
Y'all are playing with your own ding-a-ling
Oh your ding-a-ling, your ding-a-ling
Y'all are playing with your own ding-a-ling

The crowd erupted when I finished, so I knew I hadn't let the fraternity down. Now, I just had to wait, as the judges made their decision about what place each of us finished. It was based on their own set of criteria, along with the crowd's reaction to the act.

When they made the announcement, I was surprised to learn that my routine had been judged the best. Not only hadn't I embarrassed the frat, but I'd brought it a great deal of attention. This helped to get me voted as the top pledge in my class and gave me my fifteen-minutes of fame, at least on campus. Well it actually lasted longer than just fifteen-minutes and sure as hell felt great too.

THE END.