Alone in the Night - 6. Alone 6

There were strange noises around me. Voices I could hear, but not understand anything that was said. It passed into darkness again. I slowly became aware of a soft, rhythmic sound, not overly loud, but there in my mind or was it something I was hearing nearby. Slowly my eyes opened as I tried to register where I was. The last thing I remembered was fall asleep at the river. Now I was in a dimly lit room.

I turned my head I saw Andrew was in a chair next to my bed reading. He looked up from his book and smiled, patted my hand then went back to reading while I rested. He didn’t yell at me. He didn’t lecture me. He just sat watching over me and reading his book. My eyes closed as sleep took me once more.

Sometime later a nurse came in to check a few things and put up a new IV bag. “Well Sleeping Beauty, it’s about time you woke up. We’ve had just about every nurse, doctor, and orderly come by to give you a kiss to break your sleeping spell. Had us all worried we’d never find the right Prince Charming.” Her laugh was pleasant, but I couldn’t bring myself to smile. “The doctor should be around in a few minutes.”

When the doctor came in, it was Dan. I knew he was a doctor, but didn’t know where. He checked me over, but I wouldn’t meet his or Andrew’s gaze. When he finished his exam he ruffled my hair and said. “It’s good to see you finally awake kiddo. You gave us a scare when they brought you in.” He sat down on the edge of the bed and held my hand for a while. Andrew had put his book down and was watching me with concern in his eyes. Dan brushed a few hairs out of my eyes. “Some of the people found you and when they saw you were in bad shape, they brought you here. It just happened to be while I was on duty in the ER. We weren’t sure if we were going to lose you or not. I don’t think you’ll have any long term effects from frostbite. You’re body will probably feel numb for a while though.” I could tell he was watching me. “As far as anyone knows, you’re our nephew.”

Andrew finally got up and sat on the other side of the bed, leaning down he kissed my forehead and give me a hug. Dan gave me a hug and said he needed to get back to his rounds. I didn’t know what to say or do, so I just stayed quiet. I felt horrible, both physically and mentally. I didn’t say it out loud, but I wished they would have let me die in peace by the river. Andrew held my hand and didn’t say anything. I’m not sure if that was worse than if he had yelled at me.

I was kept in the hospital for a few days after I woke up just to make sure I was okay and to treat me for pneumonia. When I was released it was Christmas morning. Andrew and Dan took me home with them. I hadn’t said much since I woke in the hospital. Dan dropped my backpack to the guest room while Andrew sat on the couch next to me pulling me into him, hugging me. They had a beautiful Christmas tree in the room. All I did was sit there letting Andrew hold me as I kept my eyes on the lights and ornaments. I started crying. I think I had cried more in the last few months than in the rest of my life combined. Dan sat down on the other side of me and wrapped his arms around the two of us. It felt so good. I allowed a small part of myself to be happy I hadn’t died. When I had cried to the point no more tears would fall, Andrew noticed I was asleep.

I woke up about an hour later. Andrew was still holding me and Dan was walking out of the kitchen. He sat back down next to me. “Morning sleepy head. Do you want anything to eat or drink?”

I spoke for the first time since waking in the hospital. “I guess I am a little hungry.” I still couldn’t bring myself to look them in the eye. “I’m sorry for causing so much trouble.”

I got in stereo from both of them. “Enough of that. You’re safe, you’re home and you’re going to be fine.” That started yet another round of crying for me.

We all went into the kitchen and Andrew made lunch for us. They didn’t ask me anything and just let me be.

“I kind of expected you guys to yell at me for being stupid.”

Andrew put his sandwich down. “The thought had crossed our minds, but all we care about was that you’re okay.”

I couldn’t keep the tears off today, especially with them saying things like that. I told them how the closer it got to Christmas the worse I felt. It was always an important holiday when my dad was at home and I just wanted it over with. I failed to clarify if I meant Christmas or my life. Truth be told, I don’t think they wanted to know the real answer.

Dan rested his hand atop mine. “We can’t undo anything your parents did to you and we can’t force you to be a part of our family. We just want you to be happy and will try to do what we can to help with that. Andrew and I would like it if you’d let us help you. You can be our friend, nephew, or son. We don’t want anything to happen to you.”

This caused my tears to start up again. I felt ashamed that I still doubted them, but I couldn’t bring myself to believe what they said was true. Maybe they felt responsible since I was originally picked up for sex. It was too much to give anyone my trust yet. Even these two men that had helped me time and again. I kept waiting for other shoe to drop and have my trust destroyed once more.

It took me a while to get my emotions back under control. I’d lost my appetite, but I managed to finish my lunch. It did make me feel a little better. Dan made sure I took the medication I needed.

They dragged me back to the living room to sit in front of Christmas tree. Andrew wrapped his arms around me. “We got what we wanted for Christmas now that you’re here.”

Damn it, why did they have to keep making me cry. I buried my face in Andrew’s shoulder.

Dan went to the tree picking up a couple of packages sitting under it. I looked up when he sat back down and placed the presents on my lap. I must have looked shocked. He brushed his fingers through my hair. “Go on. Open them.” It was a pair of pants, a shirt, and sweater along with shoes and socks. I hugged them both as tight as I could. Dan’s smile made me feel warm inside. “Go go try them on.” When I returned, they both told me I looked great.

I sat between them again and Dan pulled me back against his chest. “We’re having some friends over for dinner tonight and since you’re family we would like you to join us. If you get overwhelmed, aren’t feeling good, or just want some time to yourself you can always go to your room and relax.” It caught my attention when he emphasized your room. “You’ve been through a lot and just got out of the hospital this morning, so don’t try to overdo it. Doctor’s orders.”

Other than when one of them went to the kitchen to check on something, they sat there holding me. They had never tried anything, even when they spent the night in bed holding me. Part of me didn’t want to let the walls down and trust that they wouldn’t hurt me. I think they knew it was going to take a lot of work to get through to me and it didn’t seem to scare them off. I figured for now I’d let myself have my wish of being with them and a part of their family.

Around 3:00 p.m. their friends started trickling in. I tried to stay in the background, not overly comfortable with meeting so many people. I was introduced to everyone who showed up, but thankfully there wasn’t a test as I couldn’t remember most of their names after a few minutes. I did go to the bedroom for a few minutes and sat down just trying to calm my nerves. Dan knocked on the door, and then came in to check on me. He was concerned that all this was too much too soon. I said I had just needed a minute to clear my head. He held me for a short time then said to come out when I was ready, otherwise he’d let me know when it was dinner time.

I didn’t want to look rude, so I pulled myself together as best I could and went back out with everyone. Several of their friends came over to me attempting to strike up a conversation. I tried to be as polite as I could, but was having a hard time talking. Both Dan and Andrew took turns rescuing me by coming over and putting their arm around me giving me the support I needed for getting through it. Dinner was finally served and as always, the guys did a wonderful job on it. It put to shame anything my mother had ever done and she was a pretty good cook. It was stressful as hell for me, but it was a nice day. I helped Dan clean up while Andrew visited with their friends. Dan gave me a reassuring look and told me I was doing great. I’m not sure if he knew how close I was to running for the door, but if he did he didn’t let on.

With dinner cleaned up and the guests had all gone home, they pulled me into the family room. I took a chair as they curled up together on the couch. After a few minutes Dan pulled me onto the couch with them. He was leaning into Andrew and pulled me down so I was cuddling up against him. It felt so good and warm that I fell asleep like that. They woke me later to say it was time for bed. I made my way to the guest room and stripped down to my underwear as Dan stuck his head in asking if I had everything I needed. I felt a little embarrassed but said yes and got into bed. The hospital bed was a huge improvement over how I’d been sleeping, but this was a warm, comfortable bed. I had missed it. I slept through the night without much problem.

At breakfast, they sat across from me. “The agreement before Thanksgiving was that you were staying through New Years. So just realize you’re here and you are going to have to suffer through it.” They broke out laughing and despite my mood I felt myself smile too. “We both really want you to think of this as your home. You belong here and we want you here.”

My emotions went into a tailspin once more and tears streaming down my face. I rested my head on my arms to try and hide my face. They were quickly on each side of me holding me tight.

Dan’s voice was soft and reassuring. “No one is going to judge you for anything. No one is going to hurt you here. And you will never be told you have to leave. It’s up to you if you decide to stay. But remember this will always be your home.”

I was a sobbing mess. All I could think about was I really wanted to get better control over my crying.

Late in the morning Dan handed me my coat. “Come on. We have a surprise for you.” When we went to the car, they could tell I was suspicious. “Don’t worry. We’re not taking you to CPS. We hope you’ll enjoy this.”

We drove to a horse stable in the countryside beyond the suburbs of the city.

“What are we doing here?”

They simply smiled. I could see my breath when we got out and zipped up my jacket. The guys spoke to a few people they obviously knew and headed towards someone who looked like she was in charge. They chatted for a few minutes while I was just looking around. There was a large corral about ten yards away and I wandered over to it, leaning on the rails to watch the dozen or so horses in it.

I felt Dan next to me. “I take it you like horses?”

I shrugged, not taking my chin off my hands as they rested on the rail.

His hand settled on my shoulder causing me to flinch. “Have you ever ridden?”

I looked at him this time. “I’ve never been this close to a horse, except maybe one passing by in a parade.”

He pulled me against his side. “Let’s go.”

We walked back over to Andrew and the woman he was speaking with. Andrew introduced us. “Margaret, this is Matt, who we’re hoping will decide to become out son. Matt, this is Margaret. She owns the stable.”

I stood there in stunned silence at how he introduced me. I was on the verge of crying again and I didn’t want to.

Dan held me. Partly for support and partly I think so I wouldn’t run off. “He’s never ridden. Do you have something calm he could try?”

Two beautiful horses were lead out with saddles already on and tied up.

Dan took me over to them as he stroked the face of one. “We love horses and board ours here. This is Gabriel and that’s Titus.”

He took my hand and brushed it over Gabriel’s face. I fought the urge to pull away from something so much bigger than me. I did actually smile when the horse nuzzled my hand, and even more when Titus pushed in to get some attention for himself. Shortly a third horse was brought out.

Dan faced me to he could see my reaction. “You feel up for giving it a try? Otherwise you can ride with me.”

“I guess I can try. Hope it doesn’t throw me.”

Dan had his arm around my shoulder as we returned to Andrew and Margaret. “You’ll be fine.”

Margaret turned her attention to me. “Since he’s new he needs to wear a helmet for safety.” Dan helped me find one that fit and he picked up a few carrots as we walked back over to the horses. He handed me one, but I was too afraid to put my hand anywhere near a mouth that had teeth that large. He broke one in half and held it in his palm as Gabriel took it. He rubbed its face earning a whinny from the beast. He indicated for me to do what he had with my horse. I did and ended with a hand covered in horse slobber. Dan laughed and then showed me how to mount the horse. I tried, but wasn’t having any success at getting my leg over it. I figured I was just too short.

He got down off his horse and helped me up on mine, while Andrew was getting on Titus. He handed me the reins and gave basic instruction for how to use them. Once he remounted Gabriel we slowly started to walk towards the trails around the stable. A few times we got up to a slow canter, but they could see I was having a hard time, and likely the fear in my eyes. They slowed us back down and kept us to a walk or trot. The horse I was on always stayed beside or in between them. Dan moved up to my side. “You doing okay?”

“Yeah. I think so. It’s not like I have to do much. Seems like it follows whatever you guys do.”

“She knows the trails around here better than any of us, but she also is use to following. That’s why you’re on her.”

We rode for a couple hours and I started to get the hang of it. I was enjoying myself and having a great time. While riding, I felt like I didn’t have a care in the world. I was a little disappointed when we made our way back to the stable. Dan helped me down.

My legs hurt from the ride and stiff from holding a position I’d never done before. I walked away my horse to try and work out the discomfort I felt when I noticed she was following. I stopped and turned, looking at it. I waved to one of the workers. “Should she be tied up?”

The worker laughed. “No, she knows her way around. That one never wanders off.”

I headed back to look at the horses in the corral again and the one I rode still followed me. I stopped again and before I could turn around she was nuzzling her nose against my back. I jumped a little bit and when I turned my back on her again she did it again. After the third time I realized that when Dan helped me down he had slipped a carrot into my back pocket. Dan and Andrew watched with an innocent smile. I gave the horse the carrot and she wandered back towards the barn.

We stopped at a café near the stable for late lunch before heading back to the house.

Dan gave me a light medical exam once we were in the room to make sure I didn’t over do. He listened to my lungs and was satisfied with what he heard.

Back in the family room Andrew watched me carefully. “Did you have fun today?”

I couldn’t help but smile. “I had a great time. Thank you.” For the first time since meeting them, I initiated a hug.

“We hoped you’d enjoy it.” He pulled me down on the couch with him as Dan sat across from us. “It’s something we try to do often, so we needed to see how you felt about it.”

“Why did you introduce me the way you did to the stable owner?”

I saw Dan nod so I turned to look at Andrew. “Because we’ve always wanted kids and just hadn’t gotten around to adopting yet. We hope someday you will be able to think of yourself as our son and know this will always be your home.”

That’s all it took to once again get the floodgates wide open. Dan moved to my side and held me as I cried myself to sleep in his arms. I so wanted it to be true, but I was holding onto my mistrust. If parents could treat me the way mine had, what could happen if I let my guard down now? I knew I couldn’t handle it if they hurt me. It was easier and safer to convince myself it wouldn’t really come true. They both had the week off and took me out riding a couple more times before New Years. I was quickly becoming the little horseman.

******

New Years Eve day arrived and I was starting to allow myself the thinnest sliver of hope that maybe I could let this be my home. Andrew and Dan truly seemed to care about me. They kept checking on me to make sure I was okay and happy. I was helping them get ready for their New Years Eve party. I didn’t know how many people were going to be coming over, but they had enough food to feed an army. I kept telling myself that a new year was starting and maybe because of these two men it might just be a good year. I don’t know what expectations I had for a gay relationship before I met them, but seeing them together it was cool to see that it was just like any relationship. It was a loving home and they wanted me to be a part of it. Maybe, just maybe I finally found my place in life and won’t need to live on the streets anymore.

The party started up around 8:00 p.m. as guests began to arrive. There were gay couples, straight couples, and singles. Everyone was very nice and it was so different from anything I had ever seen or imagined before. It seemed normal in a way I hadn’t thought possible. The guys loved their friends and enjoyed having a good time with everyone. By about 10:00 p.m. there were between thirty and forty people at the house. I stayed somewhat close to the guys since I had only met a few of the people at Christmas dinner. The closer it got to midnight a couple of the guests were a little drunk. At the stroke of midnight Andrew and Dan kissed, then each pulled me into a friendly kiss followed by them making the rounds to all their friends.

While they were being the perfect hosts, one of their friends followed me towards the bathroom. He started to push in. “I’ll be out in a minute.” When he still pushed his way in I tried to move out of the small space. “Fine, you can go first.” He blocked my exit and locked the door.

Pinned me against the sink he started undoing my pants while I tried to fight him off. Unfortunately, between him being much larger than me, the confined space of the bathroom, and me not having regained all my strength from being sick, the way he held me it didn’t matter what martial arts training I had, I couldn’t do anything. He wrenched one of my arms up behind my back as he shoved a washcloth in my mouth as I called out for help. His weight pressed down on my back as he moved close to my ear. “I knew I remembered you. You did a good job when I paid you to suck me off. I wanted your ass then and this time I’m taking it. I didn’t know they were getting us a whore for the night.” His alcohol breath was nauseating. When I tried to scream again, he put more pressure on my pinned arm. “I like it rough and that’s how you’re going to take it” He had worked my pants down enough and managed to pull his own dick out. With a little spit forced it into me. Searing pain ran through my body. Tears streamed down my face as he used me. “You’re a good little whore. Knew you’d be tight when I had you on your knees in that alley. That’s where you really belong. A worthless street whore.” He shoved in hard several more time. “Gonna have to thank the guys and let them know you did a good job.” I slipped back into the detached mental state like when I was working. When he finished, he zipped up and left with an evil laugh. I cleaned myself up as best I could and went to the bedroom. Lying on the bed I curled up in a ball and cried.

I heard the guys come in to check on me. I didn’t open my eyes, but a blanket was placed over me. I guess they figured I either got tired out or overwhelmed by all the people. I felt them kiss me on the head before they left. After I knew they were asleep I grabbed my backpack and put my clothes back in it. I left the new ones Andrew and Dan had bought me for Christmas since they were too nice for the streets. I felt so bad about what their friend had done to me and everything he’d called me, but it was all true. I looked in the mirror and I could no longer see someone that could ever be their son. All I could see was a hustler, a whore, a common street prostitute that didn’t belong here. I just knew that when they found out, they would look at me with the same disgust I felt in myself or more. If they ever have a son it should be someone who deserves their love and that person wasn’t me.

I took one last look around and slipped out into the night. I left a note on the bed. “I’m sorry.” I figured they’d be happy I was gone after their friend thanked them for bringing a whore in for the party. I just wanted to get as far from there as I could. I realized that the dream of having a home and family was something that I would never be able to have. The dream ended with my parents. Even though these two guys said they wanted me, it would never change who or what I was. I didn’t want to cause any trouble and I didn’t think I could not tell them what their friend had done to me in their house especially since he had been one of my clients before. They loved all their friends and had spent many years with them. They hadn’t known me all that long, so it was just better this way. The one consolation was that they weren’t the ones who hurt me. I made my way back into town and found a doorway to huddle in for some rest while I contemplated the best way to end my life once and for all.